A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It was a coworkers last day today and our boss took us all out to lunch. I had to make sure that I sat next to all women because my boyfriend would otherwise be angry. I was on gchat with my blackberry the whole time in case he needed to check on me, I become anxsious if I lose signal. I have developed a twitch. I have thrown up multiple times at work from the loads of anxiety I feel on my shoulders.I get home this evening and he barrages me with questions "did the n*ggers sit next to you?...did he speak with you?...why didn't he speak with you?..." I explained that no one speaks with me at my job because everyone knows that if they do speak to me that I will be in trouble with my boyfriend. He said that the fact that no one speaks to me is the way it should be and it was good like that.I am constantly called a wh*re, his favorite is to call me a b*tch, wh*re, prostitute. I want to be with only him. Tonight we were walking to the grocery store for dinner and walked by the gym in our building and he craned his neck after we had walked by to look inside and I looked to see who was inside and he immediately says "you wh*re, you were looking at those men" per habit I explain that I was seeing whatever he was craning his neck to see and am not a wh*re. He then says that he can not go anywhere with me and we had to return to our apartment and not eat dinner for the night. ...I mean, I can make myself a grilled cheese sandwich.I am in a point of self-loathing and I can not escape. All I want to do is sleep. The things I used to love and respect about myself all make me feel worthless nowadays. My confidence, I interpret as arrogance. My ability to make friends, I interpret as my giving signals that I want to 'f*ck anything that crosses my path'. My wonder for the world, I interpret as I am not good and grounded enough to be with him. If I am not wet enough during sex, it is because (according to him) I have been with someone else that day or am not attracted enough to him.It is a seemingly endless cycle. I have seen a therapist and received ridicule upon my return. I have been told that I am emotionally unstable and that it is my fault. For the past five or six months, I have gotten to the point of cutting myself, crying every day, I constantly think about suicide. The moment the words "you were looking at another man/you were with another man/etc" come out of his mouth it's like a chemical reaction occurs and I snap.I have spoken with him about this and am merely told that he is sorry and that I need to not be the "typical woman who can't forget anything" and to "stop making a show".Help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): Sweetheart, you are worth so much more than what he has convinced you that you are. Has he physically abused you? If he hasn't, he will. "Perfect love casts out fear." The fact that you are twitching and becoming physically ill, cutting yourself, and contemplating suicide as a result of your relationship with him means that he is not loving you. He may think he is, and he may have convinced you that he is, but he is not. He is controlling you, and it sounds like he is destroying the real you. My sister was in a relationship with a guy exactly like this, and it was horrible! She basically no longer existed--she did and said whatever he said, and went where ever he said. It was so sad. It is not arrogant to have self-confidence; men who wish to control (and who will eventually abuse) women try first to destroy a woman's confidence and sense of self-worth. Once you've lost sight of the fact that you are valuable and beautiful and have much to offer to the world, he can treat you however he wants to. If he was truly sorry for saying and doing these things that hurt you so deeply, he would stop doing them. He's not sorry, he just doesn't want you to leave because then he won't be in control of you. Please, please get out of this relationship. If you have to have someone (like the cops) present to make sure you get out safely when you end it, then do it. You'll probably have to change your cell phone number, etc., but it will be worth it to be YOU again. He'll try to get back with you, saying he's sorry and he'll never do it again, but people like this don't change. If you hear nothing else, hear this: no one deserves to be treated this way. It is not really love.
A
male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (12 July 2009):
You realize something is wrong. Change it now!! Change one thing, change everything. Do what you can to find the happiness you knew. Most importantly, get out of this relationship now!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): Good god girl, get away from this asshole as soon as possible, or there will be nothing left of you!
This is mental abuse, and he is in away rewriting all your subconscious beliefs about yourself, very, very, dangerous. You are fighting for your life here, in fact you may be so far gone that you can no longer even help yourself and need rescuing.
I wish we could tatoo *warning* on this man's forehead, he is that dangerous!!! Please see a hypnotherapist in your area....perhaps they can help erase some of these terrible messages that you believe, but you don't have much time. This man has done permanent damage!!!
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (10 July 2009):
One thing I wanted to add: when I said "there are no victims only volunteers" I didn't want to make you think I was saying that you WANT this sort of treatment. You may've heard the saying before and know what it means but just in case I wanted to clarify because I'm not blaming you for his behaivor. It is all his fault of how he is, totally and completely, you didnt know this at first or else you would've never got with him. But now you do know- and if you stay- that IS your fault. There are always ways out- it will be scary and hard, dont tell him your plan he will either get very angry and take it out on you, or be lovey dovey til you change your mind and THEN take his anger out on you. He's the enemy when you are trying to leave, you can't tell the enemy your strategy.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (10 July 2009):
 First of all, we all congratulate you for having the courage to even come here to write. If your boyfriend is anything like I imagine, then getting caught would have had some consequences.Like all the other aunts tell you, your boyfriend is destroying you. Slowly, but surely, he is eroding all your characteristics that he likes about you. I am sure that he loves you, but his love is obsessive. Thats right. He is obsessed, because he fears that you are too good for him, and that is something that he cannot bear to think about. So instead, he is grinding you down to nothing, so that no-one else will want you.The problems are all in his head. The fears are all his own creation. But you get the rough treatment. If he hasn't done so already, he will hit you, and physically beat you eventually. He will rape you. He will check your clothes, tell you what to wear, and what not to wear. He wants complete control of your mind, body, soul and world. If you leave him, he will stalk you. If you don't leave him, he might put you in a hospital, or even worse.I have known men like this for years. They are nice at first, great to be around, and you might think that you have a relationship worth saving. You might even think you can change him. You cannot. Only he can change.You need to leave. I mean like right now, this instant, if you want to survive with your mind and body in one piece. In some ways I hope I am scaring you, but that isn't why we're here for you. I have seen this behaviour thousands of times, I have lived my life looking after my abused sisters, and I have written many articles about this. I do not get tired of answering this type of question here on this site. There has to be somewhere you can go to. Your family, a friend (if you were allowed to have any), or the police. There are shelters, refuges, etc where you can escape and start to rebuild. I know that leaving is the hardest thing you will do, but it is the best thing. I truly fear for your safety if you do not. Send a message to me, or to one of the others. We want to help you.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (10 July 2009):
 Get out of this relationship now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): Oh no. Reading that gave me chills - I have been in the exact same situation and it never ever gets any better. We couldn't go out in public for 6 months because if I looked anywhere near any men, he'd go nuts at me like your boyfriend did tonight, and be angry for days with me pleading and trying to explain what happened when really I couldn't because nothing happened!! You can't possibly fix these problems you've described, and it's killing you to try. The problem is solely with him, and yet it's you who starts to dread doing anything because no matter what he will go off at you. He's the one that needs to see a therapist (though of course you do too to help get over the problems he's causing you - good for you for going!!). Of course, he never will see one. He cannot get over his issues while he is with you, because all you want to do is try and make things better for him, while he keeps creating more problems and blaming you. I know you love him, and that makes it hard, but my love died over a long period of time from this treatment by him. I had to break up with him and I suggest you do the same. In a way it's the only chance you have to be happy either with him or without. I'll explain - my boyfriend didn't realise I was truly unhappy and what he was doing was really hurting me. Despite me becoming withdrawn, easily upset, randomly crying all the time, he still didn't realise something was really wrong. Once my love had finally died, I started to rebel and became friends with a guy at work (it had to be secretly). He helped me be strong and to see that I deserved so much better and that there really were nice men out there (because my boyfriend had been telling me for years that no one else would ever want me etc). So at last I broke up with him, and that was the point when he realised it was serious. He learnt a lot in a short space of time because he finally realised I wouldn't take his crap and I was my own person. He understood that he had been wrong and felt awful at what he had done to me. Of course, in my case it was too late by this point. He had done too much to me and hurt me too much for it to be fixable. But you don't sound like you're that bad yet. I suggest breaking up with him (or at least saying you need a break), explaining why you feel this way, that you think you can't possibly convince him that you want only him, that you deserve to be treated like a person. It will give you some strength back to do this, trust me. And over time he may want to change, or if he doesn't accept what you say then you will know for sure that you are so much better off without him and someone else will come along. It will hurt you a lot, but in the long run you will be so much better off.
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (10 July 2009):
He's an abuser. But it's true what they say "there are no victims, only volunteers." You need to get out and you need to do it now. I don't know how long you 2 have been together but it will get worse as time goes on. I KNOW IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS NO WAY OUT. I have been there personally, but there is- if you want it bad enough. You are the same wonderful person that you were before- you are becoming dependent on his approval, your life wasn't given to you so you could impress him. It will be very hard to make this decision, but you know you need to. You are not a whore, you know that. You are not any of the things he calls you- when you start believing him completely your whole life will start a fast downward spiral. I have been there, I promise you I have- I was you, word for word. These men all have the same tricks, its so typical. He will threaten you if u leave him, or threaten his own life or etc- leave before you 2 have kids together and it gets even trickier. YOU MUST! It will NEVER get better.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (10 July 2009):
 Hi, You do realize that this man you feel you must be with is basically destroying you. You have to gather the strength to leave him and leave him fast, this is such an unhealthy relationship in so many ways. Whatever you have to do, go back to therapy, find a friend to lean on to help you get out of this, by giving you support, you have to move on. You are depressed, losing or have lost your self-respect all because of him. He does not care for you, controlling you is all that matters to him. He has a twisted psyche, and would not be good for any woman. Please remove yourself from his presence and never go back, you must run for your life, you deserve to be happy and this is not the way. Everyday, I am sure it is a struggle to get up in the morning, fight for your right to have a peaceful
life, don't allow him to keep beating you down emotionally.
You do have the strength inside to remove yourself from this madness. Take a stand for your inner child, this is your life, the only one you have, kick him out of it right now and don't look back. Your life will be so much better. Love yourself and be your own best friend. Stay in touch.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): Oh My God Woman Run for your life! Don't you realize this is an abosulte manipulative dysfuntional abusive relationship form hell you are into? "I only want to be wiht him"? The only thing wrong with you is this loser you are with. He is the one emotionally unstable and beyond crazy. You feel insane too because he is brainwashing you with all his demonic imagination and extreme control. LISTEN TO ME: NOBODY CAN BE HAPPY LIKE THAT. NOBODY! You have GOT to leave that bastard yesterday! He is the one who's imagining things. He is abusing you and you should seek for help and dissappear from his life.
You don't have to take that. Please look for help. There should be a hotline in your state that you could call to receive help. After that please go to a good christian Bible based church. They'll help you too.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (10 July 2009):
Well I think the biggest and most important step is one you have already taken which is to realize that this situation is crazy. I really like the fact that in that whole scenario you do not stand up for him. This is about you and you know that. You realize that you need help and that this is not a healthy situation. He is just your BF right? How long have you and him been together? You are not married to him in anyway except......and I can understand maybe you feel married to him emotionally. Simply get out. You are better than this and deserve more and to be treated decently. All I can say is get out and find some good friends or family that you can latch onto for a support system untill he is out of your system.
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