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female
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anonymous
writes: I've been with my fella for 9 months. Everything was great at first but recently things have changed. He doesn't seem to make the effort and with regards to sex, he won't unless I initiate it. I love him dearly, he's 38, I'm 26. He's a quiet person too and doesn't make the effort to talk to me when he's tired. He's been working a lot recently and also has had family problems, he says he's tired but doesn't show me any affection as much or offer to take me out. He thinks there's nothing wrong but I'm upset with it. When I ask him, he snaps that I'm thinking too much! I don't know what to do!
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male
reader, grasshopper +, writes (29 September 2005):
Like wishes, I'm not convinced that you have a can of worms to open there. Unless of course, he's spending time out of the home, or getting a more-than-usual flow of text messages. Something a bit more concrete than just being distant.
You may find, as FM pointed out that the pressures he's under has somewhat killed his drive. Try not to be too "needy" in any approach to talk to him, the typical "why don't you do X anymore." or "It's not like it used to be", will just antagonise him further. Be there for the guy, relax the environment as best as you can. Wait for him to come to you, though (and I'm sorry this will be vauge and may sound trite), at the same time don't distance yourself either.
Take care,
A
female
reader, wishes +, writes (28 September 2005):
 Hi Hun, I completely disagree with Delihas post. Why would you open this horrible untrustworth can of worms for no reason. You said he has been working a lot. Theres your problem! I am 22 and with a 40 year old. We love each other so much, but when he works too much, or he is having problems with his kids, he closes up and doesnt initiate much conversation, let alone sex. He was like this a while but for a few weeks and it really concerned me. I thought he had gone off me and it worried me even more that when i asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I would have preferred for him to give me a reason why he was acting so distant. Fact was, he was tired from working so much and had a few teenage problems with his kids. Just be there for him for the time being. Try not to take it personally and just wait for him to start relaxing again. I found that giving him all over body massages helped- Im not a professional or anything, but with a bottle of oil you can make anyone feel good and relaxed. And anytime I feel him slipping into one of these tired, distant zones, I will give him a massage- expecting nothing in return. Appreciate the days that he does feel happy and comment on it. Good Luck! Would be nice to know how you get on.
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (27 September 2005):
Hi,
First thing you need to do is ask him if he is having an affair. I'm sorry but from everything you said his behavior is showing all the classic signs of an affair. If he denies that he is, go by your gut feeling, watch his body language as he answers you. If you are not getting anything from this relationship now is the time to get out. Don't be played for a fool.
I know this all sounds rather harsh and I am sorry but I got a very strong feeling when I opened your post. I hope all goes well.
Delila
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A
female
reader, FM  +, writes (27 September 2005):
You mentioned that he has been working a lot recently and that he has family problems, so it could be stress that is affecting his libido. Offer to talk to him if he has a problem, but do it away from the bedroom so he doesn't feel he's being pressured for sex. Try to have a conversation about what kind of pressures he's having to deal with at work and if there is anything you can do to help. Try to get to the root of his problem, maybe he had to take on more responsabilities at work and doesnt feel he can cope, or perhaps that family problem of his could be getting him depressed... Whatever it is that is bothering him show him your support and listen to what he has to say to help him get through it.
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