A
male
age
41-50,
*b129
writes:So I am having trouble approaching the lack of sex that my wife and I have been experiencing. I am in the mood almost every night (except if I masturbated 1-2 days before, in those cases I could take it or leave it. Or if she is wearing her big chunky flannel PJs ... ugh, I think of them as her "birth control" jammies) but every night something convinces me not to try to have sex that night. Now sometimes it's legitimate, such as, she has a chronic hip problem that she sees a chiro or physical therapist for, so if she is having hip problems then I don't ask. Or if she says she's really tired. Or if one of our kids is not feeling well and she is worried about that (she is a worrier). Or if this, or if that - I totally rationalize it away every night and there is always something that I can use to rationalize not bothering to ask. But part of me is wondering if she is dropping these hints precisely because she doesn't want to have sex and suspects I want it? She absolutely never initiates. Why is this so hard for me to talk about with her? You would think that days like today where I wake up at 4AM horny and unable to fall back asleep, would get me to take action. Usually in cases like this I just rub one off and then I'm OK for a day or two. But today I'm thinking I really want to say to her sometime in the middle of the day today, 'hey I could really go for some action tonight' and see what she says ... figure it will take the pressure off to mention during the day, and maybe even set the mood right so she goes to bed in the right frame thinking about potential fun between the sheets rather than whatever is worrying or ailing her. Yes, I know, there could be some deeper issues here, what I'm looking for today is some encouragement regarding whether this is a good approach. Yes, I know it may uncover some deeper issues but please don't get into that with your responses or I fear I will use that fear as an excuse to not say anything :*)
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female
reader, Esme7655 +, writes (12 February 2011):
Well, If it helps, I think your wife is being unreasonable. Sex is very very very important, in a marriage. Be honest and upfront, tell her you need sex/love.
Maybe she's unhappy with her life, find out what's missing in hers, to fix yours :)
Talk to her!!!!
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 February 2011):
 Well you can't exactly expect her to do all the worrying about kids/taking care of the kids, and then expect her to have the energy for sex. Among married couples the vast majority of housework falls onto women. The most recent numbers I saw were that married women (only among women with jobs) did over three times as much housework as men and almost all of the childcare. I'd imagine that's a main reason for a married woman to go off sex. Of course I don't know what your situation is, but most married men were unaware that their wife did most of the work/never even thought about it.
Try talking to her about dividing up the load more evenly, especially when it comes to childcare, and see if that doesn't get her back in the mood. Running after kids all day is absolutely exhausting. Sex is probably the last thing on her mind, definitely after putting on some comfortable clean PJs and crawling into bed.
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A
female
reader, Lisa206 +, writes (12 February 2011):
 I always wish my boyfriend would rub my back until I fall asleep and not ask for sex just when I am finally relaxed.If you want us ready to go all the time, invest in a nanny, and a housekeeper.Here is a fact:Women do not like to have sex unless they are relaxed (or unless they are rip-snorting drunk and don't give a sh-t)Its not how much effort you make, but the consistency of the effort that works. Being nice to her (on a regular basis) and bringing her wine (on a regular basis) and buying food to eat in bed (on a regular basis) and NOT having the talk is my advice.Having a big discussion about sex is giving her yet another thing to worry about. Letting her know how unsatisfied your penis is will only add you to the list of complainers and issues she has to already deal with.Be a man and earn her love. Go get a haircut. Be a big chunk of irrisistable affectionate meat.Otherwise, if you are going to be a baby, then go pour yourself some cereal and watch TV like a good boy.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 February 2011):
 I am not sure yours is a good idea, it may in fact backfire and turn her off even more.
We don't know exactly why your wife never takes the initiative and sort of went off sex, there might be many obscure, deep seated reasons. But let's keep it simple and stick to what we know : If she has often hip pains, and she is tired all the time, and she has young children, of course her libido is shot, that's very natural.
Now , telling her that you could really go for some action won't warm her up, because that's not what she wants to hear. She wants to hear that you could really go for HER.
She does not want to hear that you want sex badly, she wants to hear that you want HER badly.
Of course that's only believable if backed up by actions .
Do you court her any more, do you flirt with her ? Do you notice what she wear,if she has got a new haircut ? Do you pay her compliments often ? Do you call a babysitter every now and then and take your wife on a date ? Do you kiss her or hug her or hold hands outside of the bedroom ?...
I am not accusing you of mistreating your wife and I am very willing to believe that you love her to pieces, would never leave her etc.etc.
But, it's nearly fatal, married life and habit and work and kids and bills to pay... sensuality and romance take the back seat, and one start considering, and treating, the wife like a sort of roommate. But a weakened libido can't be cranked up by a roommate; only by a lover.
Start acting like a lover again, and probably then, there will not even be the need for so many official "talks"...
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 February 2011):
 Well, You have come to the point in life where you realize men need sex,women needs hugs. Congradulations, I know it's a weird point in life to reach and it is frustrating but it's reality so just hold her tight and be content in that you have someone that still loves you. You and your hands will become better friends for the rest of your life. Just hang in there and be supportive to her. Remember your earlier life together, 'cause it's passed away. Preseve your memories, they're all that's left you.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (12 February 2011):
Hi there. No matter what, you do need to talk to her about why she never wants to have sex.
Apart from her hip problem, perhaps she is just tired all the time. You say you have children, so if she is chasing them around the house all day, every day, well yes that would certainly exhaust her.
She might just be feeling a bit taken for granted, that's common. Maybe she doesn't feel appreciated. Maybe you don't also.
It might just be a case of you don't have enought fun in your relationship. I'm not talking about how you have sex, I mean that every day might be like the one before - with very little newness at all. There needs to be fun in a relationship - doing different things, going out sometimes - picnics, restaurants, cafes. Anything at all really. Just have fun.
When you start having more fun, life then becomes more interesting as well. Sex will follow.
Take an interest in her and her life, really listen to her when she speaks, then she will do the same for you also. when you take a genuine interest in each other, that starts to build a good rapport. It's possible that things have slightly changed since the kids came along. Again, a common problem. But it can be resolved.
Take care and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, DakotaFleming +, writes (12 February 2011):
Do you help around the house? Do you help with the kids?Do you kiss her and tell her how pretty she is? These are afrodisiacs for women.Usually when a womans not interested its cause she resents you for something.Youve got to get it outta her.Yall need a date nite!The sexual passion is in her you just gotta get it going again!
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