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BigSis
writes:After reading several of the replies submitted by Agony Uncles here on Dear Cupid, I have come to realise, or should I say, believe, that the majority of them are really very sympathetic, kind, loving, caring ~ but most of all understanding.But why can't all men be like that? *she says snarling and showing her teeth*Why is it that some men have to behave like Neanderthals?I've suffered in the hands of some of those cavemen, I always seemed to attract that type of bloke. More fool me. I can't help it if I'm too nice.Is it that I was too accommodating at the start of my relationships? Spoilt them rotten? Smothered them with too much kindness? Showed them too much affection? Wanting to please them too much?Well, Lo and Behold!! Good morning BigSis!! I've finally woken up!! These guys saw my willingness to provide ... they used it for their own selfish benefit! They had it too good from the start, they got used to it and wanted more. They saw me as some pathetic weakling ~ then they took advantage.I know ~ and it's clearly too obvious now ~ that I am too wonderful to settle for man who cannot and will not give me what I need to feel loved and cherished. So, a word of advice girls, start as you mean to go on, don't let them take the 'p' out of you. You too are clearly too wonderful to settle for a man who cannot and will not give you what you need to feel loved and cherished. Someday, our wonderfulness will make someone very happy, who will, in turn, make us very happy.Take care girls.BigSisxXx Reply to this Article
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Hum...yeah I just think its being naturally deluded to those kind of things some of the time. I don't think its the persons fault at all most of the time.
By the way when did we start talking about trying to shape men I got lost?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): I think warning signs are there but due to people being so involved with their own problems, just with everything else, they're not in the straight mind to see the answers clearly.
For example, someone might be so infatuated with a guy, that they won't realize that hes using them.
If you get me.
This is becoming one hell of a debate...keep it friendly people and don't go overly personal.
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reader, heatherrrrrrr  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 Collaroy, "Pyschology!" That's a new one. I thought they had spell checker built into most browsers by now. One thing that is fairly predictable - people who talk down about psychology generally have little idea what it entails. Or even how to spell psychology.Bigsis, you're getting caught in the "nice girl" trap. In the beginning of a relationship, you give as much as you receive. It's okay, nay, HEALTHY, to hold back just a little until you see what kind of man you're truly dating. It's later(after many dates paid for by him) that you pull out the big guns like cooking meals for a man and feigning interest in his work life. ;)Let the man do a little giving first. If it never happens, well then you know what he's going to be like for the remainder of the relationship.
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reader, Collaroy  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 Hi everyone!!!
well I think anyone who thinks they can accurately predict human behaviour is at best kidding themselves , at worst delusional.
Seriously, the greatest thinkers and intellects throughout history have attempted and failed to predict human behaviour,I guess they should have all come on to DC and meet some of the Aunts who have apparently nailed it!
Give me a break guys, you can pick certain human traits but amateur pyschology really don't cut it in the real world.
I challenge anybody to figure me out: but here's a couple of clues for our budding Pyschologists: I am originally from New Zealand and I love little woolly sheep.
blaaahhh blaaah...
keep fighting Big Sis, you still got a big fan downunder ( even if he is a freaky Kiwi sheep shagger )
:)
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 July 2008):
 Perhaps I am just to much of a guy to understand. I like to think there is some sense in the world. That there is logic. If I do X and Y then Z happens.
As an outsider is just seems so often to be the case that the warning signs are clear. For instance a few years ago a guy I worked with was a classic case. Nothing was ever his fault, hatred of ethnic groups for no reason other then to blame them, temper flares but a real suckup to anyone he needed anything from. Divorced not seeing his kid. Of cours he had a young girlfriend, still in university while he was 39.
Didn't know her, but there were plenty of warning signs for her as well. Overbearing parents, bit of an outcast because of severe diabetes, clingy and a dreamer.
I don't think he beat her, just used her money to keep funding his business ventures, all failing, went on a trip payed by her parents right when several contracts were at crunch point. Just obvious that he was a loser. As an outsider I could see the warning signs and at once wanted to warn everyone (people employed by him besides his gf) to steer clear but at the same time realizing that they couldn't see past the nice facade he put up with people he thought he needed for now.
Part of the reason I read this site is to try to get some understanding why people behave like this. Am I just to paranoid, too untrusting or are other just to well... dumb?
What I am missing so far is a reason. Perhaps there simply isn't any, but that doesn't sit well with my image of the world. If there were no warning signs then aren't all men at risk from becoming like this?
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reader, BigSis +, writes (27 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well, I didn't know what I was walking into when this happened, otherwise I wouldn't have walked into it and gotten so involved. This happened well after I fell for him. To be perfectly honest Lazyguy, there were no warning signs. I think I was old enough to at least understand that much.
Quote"
"What makes your situation so unique from all the other abused wives?"
Did I say that?
On the contrary...
My previous quote:
"How many women are out there who are desperate to get out of a violent marriage, but are too frightened? Loads."
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reader, LazyGuy +, writes (27 July 2008):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-it-possible-to-make-yourself-like-someone.html
This story is hardly unusual for this site, people (men just don't post as much) just don't seem to be able to see straight when they are in heat. Oops sorry, love.
The above post is rather obvious, the girl is falling for the guy that is wrong and not falling for the nice guy. It happens and at least this one is bright enough to figure out the bad guy is bad (although not before she slept with him) BUT not smart enough to see the only possibly solution.
No, you can't make yourself love someone, so let the nice guy go BUT also DUMP the bad boy because he is a BAD boy. Stay single and see if you find someone who is both good for you and sets you on fire.
IF your ex took out his frustrations for what happened with his business on you then that was most likely always part of his personality. I am just an amateur with no education but let me take a wild stab, was he in his business dealings always quick to take credit for success and shift blame for failures?
My problem is that I always been an outsider, the stranger looking in. It is a 'hobby' of mine to watch other people, see how they behave. People in my experience really ain't all that complex, once they pass their twenties they are more or less stable barring major changes in their life. And with major I mean things like near death experience, disability, disease. Sure as we grow old we tend to mellow out as we accept that we are all mortal but the assholes remain assholes, the nice guys remain nice and I remained the same lazy bastard I was when I was twenty.
The way I read your post is that you went into a relationship with a guy who most likely exhibited warning signs that you ignored, either because you believed they didn't matter or were to young to notice. Then things changed slowly and the facade fell away and you got to see his true nature and for reasons for your own you stuck with it.
As dramatic as it may be to you, it is hardly a unique story. When so many women are in the exact same situation is there any reason to presume you were the only women who did not have warning signs? What makes you situation so unique from all the other abused wives?
Anyway, it is to late for you, you fell into trap, got out, good job BUT the real problem is getting other people to avoid the trap at all. And to that, you and women like you, need to be HONEST with yourself HOW you fell into this trap so you can warn others about it.
So forget my attempts at analsysis, do it yourself, you were there, you know what happened. Now what would YOU tell yourself all those years ago to stop yourself from walking into this?
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reader, BigSis +, writes (27 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Quote:
"....but the guy you were with gave several indications that he had some problems and we either deny what we see (because we want to believe this is true love) or we accept the behavior we see and get out. By staying, you must have had hope that he would change and this is what LazyGuy was trying to point out."
Do you think I fell for him when he had problems? They came after. The reason I stayed was because I was frightened to get out. He became violent, and then the threats came. Unless some one's actually been in that kind of a relationship, they think it's easy to 'just get up and go'. How many women are out there who are desperate to get out of a violent marriage, but are to frightened? Loads.
Quote:
"I don't think a person goes from being perfect to a monster unless they have a brain tumor. I know the signs are there from the beginning...."
He did and they weren't.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 July 2008):
 Sorry BigSis for highjacking your article.
Q, aren't your one two dangling from the rearview mirror of an ex's Chevrolet?
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reader, BigSis +, writes (25 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo LazyGuy, I didn't try to change him, he changed himself. Nothing and no one could 'fix him'. I was the same person ~ from when he met me ~ to when he started to turn nasty.
Pressures from work, financial stuff, etc. must have been the cause of his personality change. Who knows? He was bankrupt, twice, I might add, which made him take everything out on me and my children, the closest people to him.
He suddenly went from this kind caring loving guy with whom I fell hook line and sinker for.... to a controlling nasty piece of work who began to physically, mentally and on several occasions, sexually abuse me. I even had 2 miscarriages because of him. I've never gotten over it. In a way, I suppose it's a blessing, as I would have had 2 kids by that animal.
I fell in love with him because he spoilt me rotten and made me feel secure and loved, I had no doubts, not because I was 'in heat', as you put it, it's not all about sex.
I honestly thought that our relationship was going to be as perfect as my parents'. That's all I ever wanted.
How was I to know he was a Jekyll and Hyde?
The other thing he didn't like was that because there was an age gap, he was feeling extremely insecure, we were suffering terrible financial problems, {plus he was a heavy gambler} 'MY' house was on the line... so I had to go out and work. I was offered the job of a lifetime and earned bloody good money working for my cousin who was the Chairman of a football club.
The place had an adjoining banqueting suite and disco, I was front of house receptionist and more or less ran the place, but he was more worried about me being surrounded by the 'younger than him' guys, and constantly accused me of having affairs.
Well, after 13 years, I managed to break free from him, it wasn't easy, but in that time I suffered the loss of 'MY' house and much much more.
Soft touch...that was me, all over.
I'm 150% certain there are women out there who have experienced similar if not the same.
What more can I say to you, LazyGuy? I'm not looking at the world through rose~tinted spectacles and I certainly am not expecting the fairy tale ending, because those are extremely rare nowadays.
I've ranted enough now, just to prove my point, so if you want to carp on about how it was my entirely my fault why I got invloved with such a person, then it's up to you.
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reader, LazyGuy +, writes (25 July 2008):
Some women go into a relationship thinking love conquers all. I got a pet theory that while men know they have feelings of lust and of love and that there is no relation between them, women think that the moment their panties catch on fire think they are experiencing true love.
What else can explain women staying with a guy who is basically good because he only beats them once a week?
As they grow up, women like BigSis start to realize that just being in love, or more accurate in heat, isn't enough. Guys don't change except that once they got you, they drop the act and show their true colors. Anyone with a brain could spot these true colors but... well lets ask BigSis and all those women who agree with her.
What made you go for these guys that without fail didn't give what you desired?
I think it is simply that young women are raised with fairly tales where true love wins through no matter what.
If you were used by a guy, be honest, did you think you could change him? That your love would fix him?
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 July 2008):
Ah, the Steve Miller Band. Great song. But mind the double entendres, they can trip you up!!!
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reader, BigSis +, writes (24 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI believe us women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the the apples from the ground that aren't so good, but easy.
The apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along ... the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
xXx
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reader, iateadonut  +, writes (13 July 2008):
Sometimes I'll deliberately ignore someone who wants my attention; it's because you don't know whose real - my thoughts wander back to being a kid and having a girl flirt with me just to bolster her self-esteem.So, you might get a lot of the sensitive guys, who are very vulnerable, who really feel - they put up defenses so they don't get hurt.On the opposite end, you have the guys who feel nothing, no innate decency - every social interaction is just protocol and rules; they have to put up the opposite front so that people won't see what buttholes they are.... by the way, there was a comment (by Yos) on pickup books talking about finding vulnerable women. Where did you find this kind of book? Are those books published in the Netherlands like that? That kind of ruins my image of that country... Every pickup book I've read is all about improving yourself and making your personal goals the center of your life to make yourself more attractive, and then developing social skills because the good women are usually in crowds and have healthy relationships.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): I disagree with Phsyciatrist-to-be (by the way I think your name is spelt wrong). There is no way in hell that the whole proportion of men are as sensitive as women. There might be a small percentage, but there are a small percentage of women that are totally insensitive and things go straight over their heads.
Women tend to understand things more. Thats not our fault, its not your fault and its not their fault. Its human instinct and all animals have it including the Gecko. The men scurry off (hehe) and the women stay and have to remember where all their children are.
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reader, Phsyciatrist-to-be +, writes (11 July 2008):
 Men are just as sensative to things as women: we just tend to be very proud too, and smother any "mushy" feelings in macho behaviour. Not all of them, of course. But I think I'm speaking for the majority.
But then, if we didn't act all tough etc, we wouldn't be men, lol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Haha q1605 where do you get your inspiration from...
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reader, BigSis +, writes (8 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOUCH!!!
: ^ o
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Haha ermm I like to think so ;)
Are you flirting with me?! - shame on you =P
Ahh can you cook pie?! Pie is very good =]
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reader, BigSis +, writes (8 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy Gecko, thank you for that. Are you one of those fish?
: )
{just kidding}
Oh and I'm a great cook by the way!
BigSis
xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): We're sorry....Ahh but men are designed to be insensitive, reckless and arrogant. We can't multi-task, we can't think with our brain.But we are better at multi-choice questions than you women - so we can choose!The main reason I think you find very sensitive (thank you), smart (thank you), and mature people (stop it!) people on here is because they have been through similar pain and understand what your going through. I don't understand though why men treat some of the people I have spoken to on here the way they do?!My excuse is that this is a small minority and a lot of women do live very happy lives. There are still some good fish in the sea! Don't give up BigSis!By the way, I personally think with my stomach.
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reader, BigSis +, writes (7 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for that Tisha..{Blesha!!}
Being the ever optimist that I am, I know I'll find the right bloke......one day.
ps. The tan's still looking good, I'm keeping it topped up, naturally mind.
Sis xXx
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 July 2008):
Wow! BigSis, you sure know how to attract a crowd! And a fun party it is too, q1605, Diovan, Oldersister, Collaroy, etc... I like the new backbone, it looks great with that tan. So here's hoping that you find the guy that has the whole package; they are out there, and now that you know what to look for, you'll find it sooner rather than later.
xXx
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reader, BigSis +, writes (6 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLMFAO!! @ Q1605...sorry to hear that about your danglers, but you have made me smile this morning.
xXx
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reader, Collaroy +, writes (5 July 2008):
Were they happy with such a small payout??
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Fortunately he just happens to be one of the good guys that everyone adores...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): There you go again Askoldersis, picking on the weak and defenceless, q1605 can't help being a man suffering a lack of eyesight and good common sense.
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reader, BigSis +, writes (4 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, Sis, MY hat's off to you! Thank you for that.
Now, where did ToF go?
BS xXx
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reader, BigSis +, writes (3 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes ToF, the curly things are question marks .... but I posted this as an 'ARTICLE', not as a question. I wasn't asking for advice, or where I was going wrong in my past. I was answering my own questions there, just to show you all that I know where I went wrong and I know what to look for now, purely by learning from my mistakes.
Like Collaroy says I was merely stating and admitting my stupid judgements. Thanks for your understanding by the way Collaroy.
And as my profile states...
"My personal past experiences and mistakes have taught me well, and I've learnt a lot from them."
Thanks for all your 'interesting' replies.
BigSis
xXx
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reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (3 July 2008):
 Is that how you read my reply, Collaroy?
Read it again, because that's most certainly not what I was saying, and the differences between men and women were the last thing on my mind when I wrote it. My thoughts apply to both men and women equally, and are the basis on which I believe relationships can work - and why so many don't.
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reader, Collaroy +, writes (3 July 2008):
I must be reading a different article from everyone else.
The way I read it, Big Sis is merely stating that she has picked the wrong type of men in her past ( and she admits it ) and now she aint gonna take that shit no more. And everyones bagging her for being naive in not understanding that men and women are different.
We can go into the differences between men and women all we want , but her post was about simple respect and being valued for the person she is.
It was a simple heartfelt piece which has been blown out of all proportion by some inconsiderate a-holes if you ask me.
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reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (3 July 2008):
Actually, no. Far too many people, men and women, expect far too much from their relationship, which I believe is why so many relationships break down.
To be caring and considerate is, naturally, important from both sides. Would my wife say that I'm always caring and considerate? Of course not. I have my off days like anyone else, and she knows how to respond to them without causing a major argument just as I know how to respond when she's having a particular bad day (or bad week - as many women do!). A working relationship is getting to know your partner's bad points, and we all have them, and learning how to deal with them. First and foremost, we have to be able to be self-contained - by which I mean that we can cope on our own when our partner is unable or unwilling to give us what we want. More importantly, we are able to understand there are certain things at certain times that just aren't going to work, and at those times it's the essential ability to accept and to carry on that will bring the relationship through what otherwise could be an insurmountable difficulty.
It doesn't happen overnight. At the start of a relationship it doesn't have to happen, because the world is full of stars, pink fluffiness, and earth-moving sensuality with the sun shining brightly out of every possible orifice (and everywhere else). Once that begins to fade a little and reality sets in for at least three-quarters of every day, the real learning begins. Those who don't, won't or can't learn are those whose relationships rarely last, and I think it's fair to say that in a well-suited love match there is far less to learn than in one where the partners are less compatible - and the learning is easier too.
Contrary to popular opinion, I believe it's more about "self" than it is about your partner. Once "self" is content with "self", then care, sympathy, kindness and love for another are easy. While "self" is still trying to prove something, then "self" becomes "selfish" rather than self-contained.
It's difficult to appreciate, perhaps, that a partnership actually requires exactly the opposite of what it would seem to be all about. A good analogy might be two people living near the edge of a cliff. If and when one of them goes too close to the edge then it's not a problem to reach out to that person as long as the other is safely and securely anchored. The anchor in the relationship is the self-containment, and from within that little castle of strength it's so easy to reach out to give what your partner needs - and to know that when you need it your partner will be equally secure and able to return it.
So, do men have a problem doing this? In fact, I think that most men are better at doing it than most women, although many of us only go half way towards the ideal. The “self-containment” too often takes the form of backing off rather than reaching out. Men, usually, don’t, won’t or simply can’t talk about it, and women don’t, won’t or simply can’t understand that. To look at your partners needs and desires is difficult at the best of times when, inevitably, however content you are in yourself you still have needs and desires of your own. To understand them properly is even more difficult, and to react to them in a caring, considerate way when they don’t happen to coincide with yours would be something that only a truly remarkable person could do really well. Some people manage it. For most in a relationship, I think the best we can hope for is that our partner will make all the right noises and not try to push their own particular desires at that particular moment.
And the answer?
As I said at the beginning, I think the answer is not to expect too much. It can’t be stars, pink fluffiness and sunshine forever. Love, lasting love, is the comfort of knowing that there is someone who is not going to push you into directions you don’t want to go; who understands what makes you uncomfortable and avoids it; who makes the effort when you need them to make the effort; and, above all, takes the trouble to learn about you and to understand that you are a real person with real wants and desires, and that it’s not the end of the world when those wants and desires don’t happen to coincide. And, most importantly, someone who you can relate to in the same way without feeling that it’s all going wrong because you don’t happen to like the same thing at the same time.
Just one last thought: it’s not “understanding” that matters. Never would I claim to understand the innermost thoughts of any woman, and even those more superficial thoughts are often difficult to follow. It’s acceptance that really does matter; the ability to accept that your partner is not you, is different from you, and may often think in quite another direction from your own thoughts and ideas. I don’t have to understand why; I only have to understand that it happens. And then accept it.
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reader, Collaroy +, writes (3 July 2008):
Twist of fate, me old matey what can I say, you just keep providing further examples of primeval behaviour, prey tell does your long suffering wife have to shave your back regularly to keep people from throwing bananas at you?
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reader, Yos +, writes (3 July 2008):
 Of course we cause agony in real life, we're men! And after all, other people's problems are always much more easy to deal with than ones own.
As to your article BigSis, I think your sentiment is well meaning, but it you should always remain at least a little pragmatic. Whilst many men can make a woman feel 'loved and cherished', doing so on a 100% consistent basis is superhuman. We all have bad days.
My personal experience has been that the type of girls that 'bad guys' go for most readily are the insecure and needy ones. That's because they're the easiest targets since they're generally most likely to believe their insincere flattery and empty promises. Sad to say, the most reliable 'pulling strategy' a guy can follow is 'find the most insecure girl in the room / bar / party etc'. Your average 'pickup tips' book consists of tactics to help you spot this, and then ways to make her feel like you are really interested in her (not just her body).
This matters because, if a girl is needy and insecure, then when they end up with a nice guy, they can be too emotionally draining to hold the relationship together. The amount of emotional energy the guy needs to summon to keep her feeling 'loved and cherished' can just be too much.
In essence, she has to help herself become strong and 'not too needy' before she can have a relationship where a man can make her feel loved and cherished.
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reader, oldfool +, writes (3 July 2008):
 Lazyguy, never a truer word was spoken! All of these nice agony aunts are actually causing lots of agony in real life. Then they come on here and pretend to be sweet and sympathetic!
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reader, LazyGuy +, writes (3 July 2008):
There is a big difference between giving advice and how you behave in real life.
DearCupid: You should only attempt anal sex if you really want to and even then care must be taken to avoid injury.
Realife: Squeel piggy, squeel!
------
Why do men behave in X way? Because it works or at least they think it does.
Being 'nasty' gets you laid with more women then being nice.
This is NOT "nice guys" finish last. It is just that a nice guy will find a nice girl and that is it. Happily ever after, tralala. Nice guys finish.
The bad guy on the other hand will keep scoring over and over again. He never finishes catching women.
So bad guys have a far greater impact on the dating scene then the nice guys who are taken out early in the game by the smart women.
But don't blame men for being bad. Nobody has ever put a gun against your head and forced you to go out with them. You don't have to fall for lines and meaningless promises.
Apply this proverb "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me".
At your age you really should know better, so could it be that deep down you find these bad guys more fun to be with? They sure as hell tend to be more exciting. Is it not your own choice to pick these guys and not go for the nice ones that must surely have come by in the time you been alive?
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reader, Collaroy +, writes (2 July 2008):
Twist of fate... mate you are living proof of why ikind considerate women like Big Sis have to write these type of articles.
I just hope you're single mate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): It dosen't always go that way BigSis. I was wonderfull to my ex, I thought if I showed him kindness and attention I would get it back. I did, I got kindness, love and anything else I wanted for a very, long time. It's when I stopped being nice and kind that he got more sense. He dumped my sorry arse and found a woman who could treat him with the kindness he deserved..... LOL
Some men are pigs, but I got me a pig radar so they can't get in. Every other guy is nice and to be trusted untill he makes that one mistake and goes wrong.
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reader, BigSis +, writes (1 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know what nutshell you got that impression from Tof, but my reply to you is ~ No, I do not want men to be women. Far from it. I would like men to be understanding, that's all I'm asking, and that's not asking for too much is it?
Why would a man have to be a woman to fulfill our needs? Please explain.
BigSis
x
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reader, BigSis +, writes (1 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay okay, yes, you were one of them Uncles, I admit it, and thanks, I'm flattered. I just hope you're appreciated.
BS
x
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reader, Collaroy +, writes (1 July 2008):
All I can say Big Sis is they were fools to treat a classy act like yourself this way.
So a big thumbs down to those deadbeats and a big thumbs up to Big Sis - you're the best baby!
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