A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone i'm a 20 yr old female and i have been with my boyfriend (19) for over 15 months.We live together, like most girls i have a problem with his ex, however they never were really an item she just messed him around. He hasn't seen her since we've been together. We see his parents who he is quite close to once a week. They briefly met his ex in the past. I find myself not wanting to go over to his parents home as his Dad really frustrates me. A few times when we've been over there he mentions my BF's ex for example he will say 'I saw the (name of a nationality) walking their dog the other day' meaning he saw her and her parents, he says this with a huge grin of his face looking at my BF. My bf then just says 'hmm did you' and gets a bit embarrassed.My bf went to see his parents the other day, when i wasn't there, and my bf related that his dad brought her up again calling his friends name the name of my bf's ex on purpose and when my bf said 'dad your friends name is x not y' (his Dad mispronounces the name of his ex) . His Dad then said 'it shouldn't be a problem that i mention her should i?' and started asking when he had last talked to her. To which my bf said not since i started going out with (my name)On another occasion, we went to see them my bf was complaining about his phone bills and his dad grinned and said yes but they probably aren't as high as the bills i got two years ago from that certain number you always used to ring! (being his ex's number) It's become more frequent in the last year. I've told my BF that it bothers me and he said he will say something next time? I know his parents love me but i don't understand why his dad is always trying to wind him up and mention her all the time? Am i being stupid and should i just ignore it? and why does his dad do it??Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the input! I like the idea of saying something such as "She must interest you very much if you feel the need to include her in every conversation." this is a good subtle way of asking why he brings her up all the time. I will find it hard saying that because i'm not very confident and not good at confrontation especially with him as he's quite a strong character and has an answer to everything...but i think its a good idea and i will definitely try bringing it up next time!!
Thanks !! xxx
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 I like maverick's idea of calling him out on it. The next time he brings up the ex in your presence, speak to him about it, as she suggested.
"You mention Diane every time I'm here. You seem to have a fascination about her."
This may be an American thing to do, but the effect of what I'm supporting is that you in essence, get in his dad's face about her. Stand in front of him and talk about his ex with dad. If he's being sly about comments like that, get square up in his face (metaphorically speaking) and make him account for his random statements.
This is an extreme reaction, of course, and will make you feel uncomfortable if you are not the confrontational type. But it's not an aggressive type of confrontation I'm proposing here. It's like a puppy dog that gets hold of a sock and carries it around and worries it, throws it around and won't relinquish it. It's all very innocent and sweet, you see, you are just going to press on his dad about these comments.
Do not look at your boyfriend or expect him to deal with it. The goal here is to get his dad to feel some sort of awkwardness, and the only way to achieve that is to show him how inappropriate he's being.
Now, from what you've written about everyone else rolling their eyes about him, it may be a lost cause and not worth your energy or upset. In this case, you'll just have to treat him as though he was a mentally challenged drunken person. Condescend to him and marginalize him and don't let him get to you.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 January 2011):
Oh, I missed your follow up OP, sorry about that. Well, if your bf is going to talk to him about it, the problem should resolve itself. Still, if you ever get in a similar spot, don't hesitate to stand up for yourself!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 January 2011):
Okay, I'm going against popular opinion here, but I think you should stand up for yourself if this continues to persist. Just because the man is older and your bf's father doesn't mean you should take all the crap he spits out. Your bf is in a tight spot for obvious reasons. You, however, don't owe the man anything. If he brings her up again with the same enthusiasm as always, speak up:
"She must interest you very much if you feel the need to include her in every conversation."
Bring it innocently, but with an edge. How do I put it; you need to say it in such a way that if he backs off, he's not going to burn every bridge along the way. Being in a relationships means dealing with parents and he may genuinely not be aware that he's bothering you with this. Some people are just really ignorant.
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A
female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (26 January 2011):
 After 15 months. Its enough. Its time to out an end to it.
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A
female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (26 January 2011):
Your bf needs to say something. He should tell him she an ex and she's in the past and he wants to think about the future. He should blame it in you by saying " it makes my new bf uncomfertable". He should say HE doesn't like it and HE doesn't care if he seen her and doesn't want to hear anything about her. And if the father can't respect that then seeing them less often is a good idea. Once a month for only an hour or two. And when the father asks why you guys don't come around you bf should tell him its because he doesn't respect HIS wishes of leaving her out of the conversion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the help and advice! I don't think my BF's Dad would've had a crush on the girl as he refers to her as a 'tart' but i think he's only joking... he's 50 something and he thinks he's hilarious! I think he does it to get a reaction out of my BF which he does, my bf gets embarrassed and looks at me? Not sure why he should feel the need to get embarrassed? BF said he would say something next time it happens, hes not afraid to speak up and have a go at his parents and he says if his dad knew how much it bothered me he would be mortified. When his dad says things his wife just nudges him or rolls her eyes.
Thanks everyone! xxx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 January 2011):
 I think that Dad just likes getting a rise out of his son. If your boyfriend doesn't respond to these little jabs, Dad will eventually stop because all the fun is gone.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Oh if I had a nickel for everytime I would be a millionaire. There are a lot of my friends Dad's that do the same thing with their sons and daughters and I believe it's because they liked that ex gf or bf for some reason, whether just as a person or because they were attractive or whatever.
I go along with what he says. Just kind of slowly shuts him up. Your best option is to ignore his behavior and possibly have your boyfriend ignore it too. If he mentions her, don't acknowledge that he has done so. Eventually your bf's father, will move on and just stop mentioning her all together.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 January 2011):
I've seen this a few times, with my own father and his own father. Basically, your boyfriend's Dad fancied the ex. That's why he goes on about her. DO NOT repeat that to your boyfriend (that would ruin the lot). But I'm 100% sure that his father fancied his ex.
Honestly, you're better to ignore it. You don't want to wind up putting your boyfriend in the middle of some feud that he simply can't control. Even if he did say something, chances are his father wouldn't change. My father never changed. His father didn't. I just explain to people that he's not great.
The important thing is that your boyfriend loves you, and you and least get on with your parents.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 January 2011):
 i imagine that your boy friend has put up with this for years. And it might even sap his confidence in himself. How does your bf's mother act during her husband's embarassing attempts at humor? She too has probably suffered his silly behavior.
Some older men can be so very thoughtless and inane. To the point of utter rudeness. One would never want to be out with them socially for fear of gaffes.
But it is something your bf has to solve in-family. He will be torn between loyalty
towards his father and loyalty to you. How embarrassing his father's words really are may not fully register, as the family is no doubt so used to it.
I think your bf knows it is not ok. But he may not be comfortable standing up to his father.
Slowly, patiently and little by little with subtle actions and huge amounts of tact it can be worked on.
Allow your bf to try to solve this first. It is his father.
Perhaps your bf could even enlist his mother's suppprt before he tries to deal with talking to his father. Even that may not solve things.
Some people can be very thick skinned.
Maybe long term, if you become a married couple, you could try to deal with it when you are entertaining your in laws in your home.
For instance if you invited the in-laws to your place for a meal. In your home you can say what happens. Discuss your approach first with your partner, so he will back you up. Thus if you bf's father (in your home) raised the ex's name or any of the ex's issues you could, with a smile, say that 'we don't discuss that in our home'
Not sure how old your bf's father is. But on rare occasions people show signs, 10 years before Doctors diagnose it, of senility. there are even rare instances of people in their 40s showing signs of alzhiemer's/senilty diseases. Such people might ask the same question multiple times of the same person in a single hour. Or be easily frazzled by new tasks. Or get flustered to a degree that looks way out of proportion to the problem. Or keep focusing on the same issue, that they bring up to talk about to everyone week after week, as if one topic fitted all conversations. They know their brain is failing, but desperately try to hide it, at the start, when they still comprehend the changes in their thought processes.
Or easily forget details that should be easy to remember.
Or come out with completely inappropriate remarks at the worst time (though lots of people do that at all ages !)
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