A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,I used to be the greatest girl ever. The one who was cute, sweet, sexy, smart and funny. He was contacting me on a daily basis and every time we went out together it was clear that we liked each other very much. I am not the kind of person who thinks everyone is into her but honestly, I was not being pretentious thinking he was really interested. Even more this situation lasted for months so I thought that his interest was sincere.Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.One day we went out, we slept together and from this day everything changed. I saw nothing wrong in sleeping with him, we know each other for years and the situation was progressing, it seemed just right.I was fully aware about the potential difficulties of this relationship – this is a different topic but this would be very difficult. Anyway I was ready to take the risk but he said to keep it casual. He continued to contacted me but not as frequently as he used to do. He is not silly as he used to be and many of his comments become sexual ones. Do not get me wrong, I am not prudish but I feel like this is my only asset he can see now. I went from the special girl to spend quality time with (his words) to the booty call.I have never hidden I like him. I am not pursuing him in sense that I do not text him all the time or nothing crazy but I always reply and everyone can see I am happy when I am with him. When did I screw up everything ? I cannot help to think I did something wrong. Or maybe he never liked me. Or he thinks I am just easy and not worth it. I feel stupid and naïve, for me he was not a random guy and clearly I was just a random girl. I cannot believe I misunderstood everything during months ...I am so confused. I would like everything to be as it used to be. Thank you for your comments.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 October 2010):
Hi there. Don't make yourself available for the booty call thing. Don't downgrade yourself like that. You deserve better. Start believing in your own worthiness.
If he calls you for sex, just tell him you can't and just say you are going out somewhere - and don't give him any details. Then end the call shortly after.
In other words, let him know that you do have a life of your own and that you don't need him. No matter how much you still like him, don't let him know it. Don't even hint at it.
In saying "No" to him, don't be angry or upset, just be kind, relaxed and respectful.
You need to build up your self respect, confidence and independence and make your own life as interesting and exciting as it can be. There's more than one type of happy. You can be happy in or out of a relationship. You could start some interesting hobbies, take yourself to the movies, see your friends, have fun, laugh and be happy. Life is too short. Enjoy it to the full.
I sincerely hope this is helpful to you. Take care and best wishes.
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 Read back what you said in the beginning of your letter. You were confident, assertive, fun to be with... you were your OWN person and that is what attracted him to you. You started dating him and he loved your company then eventually when intimacy happened the perameters changed. A guy can have sex with a woman and NOT feel the same emotions that a woman feels. It's sex, it's enjoyable but it doesn't make him feel any more committed to you. In fact in some cases it can frighten a guy off (even if the sex was mindblowing.)
It changes how YOU feel too. It makes a woman feel "well he must really like me", "we must be committed now" "we're definitely an item" etc. Women tend to examine the relationship, analyse it and disect it and actually LOOK for changes in how the guy treats her afterwards. They try so hard and concentrate on being the kind of girl they THINK he would like. The butterflies in your stomach are now replaced by a gut-wrenching tension. You're on edge, and you can only relax when he's with you - but you never know exactly when that's going to be. Soon, you start analysing his every move and talking about it relentlessly with your girlfriends.
This is the worst thing a woman can do as the guy immediately picks up on these feelings and withdraws as this kind of behaviour is not attractive to a guy. Think back to how it was at the beginning when you were together. YOU WERE YOUR OWN PERSON RIGHT?
You need to take back the control! Every man secretly wants to be with a woman who puts herself first. But he WILL take whatever he can get if you give it away freely. Be your own person again. Date other guys, keep your options open, enjoy your life instead of making HIM your life!
Once he sees that you're honoring your heart, it will compel him to honor you. He'll stop blowing hot or cold and give you the attention you deserve. Or, he'll leave you alone; and you'll find out he wasn't worth your time and heart anyway. You just saved yourself a lot of heartbreak. And since you were keeping your options open, you have a number of other suitors who are happily standing by. :o)
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Hi, i've been in a similar situation. A slept with a guy and fell for him, he wants to stay "friends" too but still contacts me sometimes for "fun". He has a girlfriend now so that's what stops me doing it anymore. The thing is, this guy isn't a friend and neither is this guy you like. I've learnt that certain guys, that ones that use women, use the "friendship" card to keep you around. I mean it's perfect for them, they get all the benefits of sex without the commitment and when you tell them you're not happy and want more that can just say that they told you they only wanted to be friends. Guys like this will shatter your self asteem and ruin you. This isn't your fault you have done nothing wrong, he is a user and you are too good for him. I'm only 23 myself, but have learnt alot about this kind of thing this past year, it's opened my eyes to the way some guys work. I'm personaly trying to break away from him, it's very very hard but i know it's got to be done. Don't waste another second on this guy, once you sleep with someone it can never go back to the way it was before. Go out there and find a guy who won't use you for sex and be happy. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Does guy know about your past?
If so, I feel that he has picked up on your vulnerability, kept his patience until he felt you were ready, and then gone in for the kill.
He has had what he intended to get and that was sex!
You say it was a difficult situation, does this mean one or both of you are in another relationship?
If so and he has really got to know you for your personality as well, then I'm afraid he doesn't love you, if he did and also had great sex (an added bonus), he would want the relationship to go deeper, unless of course he is spoken for in another way.
If he is spoken for then he is wanting a bit on the side, and is letting you know it by his remarks 'you are good in bed'
He does not love you!!! This should not be the first thing he can think of to say to you!!!
I would move on from this, take it as a lesson learned, and don't give him the time of day, the sex is all he will want from you.
You are already feeling used and hurt.
Nothing from this man will make you feel any better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies.
What you say makes sense, the second time we slept together he said that sex was amazing but if he had to choose we would prefer have dinner with me. I got it as a positive sign. Now he seems to be just interested in the sex part and he saying that he does want to lose me because i am good in bed just make feel sick. At the beginning i found his comments kind of flattering so i guess it was also my fault as i should stop it then.
Maybe i am overreacting a bit and it is very difficult to me to explain how i feel. It is not even about him. I got an abuse history when i was a child an it took me years to leave behind the idea that people just consider me good to have sex. I was very honest regarding my feelings with this guy and the fact that he could just pursue me to go to bed make me feel insecure and not good enough as a person. Not sure if this makes sense.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (4 October 2010):
 look some men (myself included) have issues with intimacy. what happens is that everything is fine and they are respectfull and interested in a person, then once sex comes it changes things. the problem for me is if the sex is amazing but i find i enjoy it far more than simply being around the person- to me this is a sign i'm not that into them.
people in my life i have fallen in love with- simply being near them was more exciting than sex with them (although sex with them was greAT).
you have wasted enough time on this man, while he likes you i dont think it has developed into anything more and if you feel like you are only being used for sex then move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is very difficult to explain how i feel. It is not even about him. It is about someone who makes you feel that you are just good for sex. His comments saying that he values my friendship because i am good in bed make me sick. And i allow him to do it. I went through a long story of abuse when i was a child and it took me years to leave behind this feeling that people will only stick with me in exchange of sex.
It is a bit of my fault as i should stopped it long time ago but i didn't want to believe that he didn't mean that i was the great girl ever. I was just in love with him. My mistake.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 October 2010):
Stop blaming yourself! "When did I screw up?" Who says you did?
You didn't do anything wrong. You took time getting to know him, you weren't easy, you're not stupid or naive. And you're worth a lot more.
It's just that he's not that great a guy. He said all the nicest things in the world to you, and they worked. That's not your fault. Plenty of people, both men and women, have been there. Plenty more will be there after you.
He's just not that great. So stop blaming yourself and find a better guy who IS worth your time.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (4 October 2010):
I think you will have to accept that things aren't going to be like they used to be.
I'm trying to be understanding from the guys perspective here, like I don't think he necessarily just used you for sex. He could have been confused, for some unknown reason and after starting a sexual relationship with you, realised that he didn't feel the way that he did before he had sex with you.
I'm only suggesting this because I can think back to a time once I had serious history with this girl (almost 10 years) and after a few months of us being "a couple" we had sex and I totally became destructive towards our relationship, I stopped wanting to see her and after a few weeks, we were history. Now I am not some kind of player at all, it was just really bad timing (for me) and things didn't work out well. It isn't a guy thing, I'm sure the same thing can happen to women who end up deciding they aren't in to a man after beginning a relationship. It's just one of those horrible things about some relationships not working out.
It sounds like you just have to move on from this - and not feel bitter or take it personally. You will meet someone else and it will be right for both of you. Put what happened down to experience, and try and make the most of the positive memories and put aside the negative ones.
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A
male
reader, Moonknight +, writes (4 October 2010):
 I disagree with the pervious answer. Sometimes after a long chase with a girl, maybe a guy likes to take some pride in saying "well i tapped that ass" not saying that is a good thing but not saying it is bad either!
See, your looks and character etc and the fact that you held back for a while some what made you worthy sexually. Therefore i don't think it is bad that the guy wants you... sexually, okay... if you are saying sex is all that is there to the relationship then yeah he is using you. Howver you said that you are happy with him when out and so on so clearly he has an interest in you other than sex.
The fact that you've both crossed the sex line means that he can be more open and forward with you about sex, surely you do not expect him to be shy and poking at your boobs like a school boy?
I'd say that you should ask him what he wants out of this relationship/friendship whatever HE would want to call it. if he is out to use you and wants nothing more than casual sex then clear off, do not let him get the better of you or that last time...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 I'm afraid he just wanted to get into your pants and that's it. Some guys just love the chase. Sooner or later it would have progressed to sexual activity anyway so at least you haven't wasted anymore time on the fink.
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