A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so this may be a difficult one…I’m getting married next summer (provided there isn’t another sodding pandemic). My husband-to-be is a really wonderful man and I’m so lucky to have him. However…He still wears his and his first wife’s wedding rings on a chain around his neck. Sadly she died in 2015 in a car crash and left behind him and their two sons who are 10 and 8. Is it really insensitive of me to ask him not to wear them anymore after we get married? I’m not saying get rid of them completely, just keep them as mementos in a box or something.Obviously losing someone in an accident is as devastating as it comes, but it was made even worse because she was literally driving home to surprise them all with the good news that she’d just been promoted at her job. Then some idiot speeding driver ploughed into her car at a junction and left her with irreversible brain damage. They were all devastated as you can imagine. He took it really badly as well. She was his one and only love at that point; they’d been together for 16 years since they were both 14, childhood sweethearts. I remember his sister confiding in me that he was in such a dark place mentally that they all feared he was contemplating suicide.Thankfully though he slowly came to terms with it and started to move on with his life for the sake of his boys more than anything else. We met online in 2019 and I was smitten straightaway I will admit it. I wasn’t bothered at all that he came with baggage and just loved how much he doted on his sons. We’d been together for about 7 months just before the pandemic started last year and I made the very bold decision to move in with them to avoid not seeing each other during lockdown. I was really worried that we were moving too fast but we were definitely in love by that point and more importantly I suppose, his sons accepted me as well. As it happens everything worked out and I’ve grown to love them both almost as if they were my own. I’ll never forget the day he proposed when he said he couldn’t think of anyone else he’d rather be with and be a step-mum to his kids. I honestly cried I was so happy.Everything is really good right now and wedding preparations are going well. It’s just purely the fact that he still wears the rings that’s the only issue for me. There are quite a few pictures of her around the house and that’s fine, I completely understand that. She will always be a part of their lives no matter what and it is important for the boys that they never forget who she was. I just feel like it wouldn’t be right for him to stand at the altar putting a ring on my finger whilst still wearing hers around his neck. But how do I broach the subject with him? I know he still misses her deep down (He still cries on the anniversary of her death) and of course it’s understandable as she’s the mother of his children, plus you can’t exactly brush a 16-year relationship under the carpet. But I’m now here to fill the void she left behind; I’m now the one who makes him happy again and the one who will be Mum to his boys (and hopefully our own children too). How do I broach the subject with him?Thanks x
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): I must apologize to you with the sincerest of heart. I shouldn't trivialize your feelings down to petty; that's most unfair and unkind. I know you are giving yourself to someone who seems to still be holding-on to someone else. It's difficult to tell where his love for her ends, and where his love for you begins.
Try and see it this way. He is sharing the rest of his life with you, and giving you his children. The most precious things that he has. He trusts you in his life to take care of two young boys who had to live through the tragic loss of their mother; and now another woman is stepping into their lives. They didn't get to choose you, they have no say; but they have to trust their father to make the right choice.
Maybe I could only see as far as two children who lost their mother; and a man who lost a young wife tragically. She will never see her boys grow-up, he will never have the chance to grow old with her. He is willing to give that honor to you. He decided he could love someone else enough to marry her; and allow her to help him raise his young sons.
If the rings really really bother you; then gently say something, if you feel he's not giving you his all. Rings exchanged in marriage do have meaning; and maybe I got a little over-zealous when I suggested it would be unkind to suggest he put the rings away.
I will only say this. I hope he will do it voluntarily, without having to be asked. I only know the rings don't really soothe the loss and grief that will ever be in his heart. He has moved-on far enough to love again; and maybe he has to do it in small steps. Marriage is a big move; so that's huge progress. If you can manage it in your heart, focus on the boys and how he demonstrates his feelings towards you; as both his wife, and the mother of his children. I think in time, the rings will fade from everyone's memory; once you all become a family.
I apologize if I hurt your feelings. It was not my intention. I hope and I pray, that you will be a great mother and wonderful wife. Then his first wife can look down from heaven and smile; knowing someone loves her family enough to risk her own heart, to show them the love she could not complete herself on earth.
God bless and guide you. May He comfort your heart, and bless you, your family, and your new marriage. May the Lord heal your fiancé of his grief completely; to allow him to move forward, in order to prove to you becoming his wife was the best decision you've ever made in your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2021): Hi
I understand that you may feel a bit odd at this but I think you are brave enough and warm hearted enough to just let him carry his broken heart with you both until he feels otherwise ( if at all). A broken heart does not mean we love somebody more than another, it means we 'LOVED'. Maybe you could see this as a friendship bond between you, that somewhere in heaven you agreed to share the next chapter and in fairness she is the biological mother of their children and this may help ease future pain for the children knowing that their mother will never be replaced or forgotten. Life can be so sad but we have to remember that memories and lost loves are written within our souls and can not be put away in our closet for fear of competition. You have an important job to do in your chapter together and SHOW love to their children if you are bringing them up, any mother would be eternally grateful for your special part in ALL their lives and helping them ALL heal. Please forget negative unreal thoughts spoil the gift you can give to them all L.O.V.E.
Good luck, think of her as your chief bridesmaid and have a good marriage, he will love you just as much, it's never measured it is pure energy.
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female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (10 July 2021):
 I'm so happy for you OP, you seem to have found a good one & you too seem like a lovely undertanding person, so I'm sure this talk will go down well, you've received such great advice already but I'll just add my 2 cents and say that I don't think it's insensitive to ask him if with the wedding he thinks he will feel ready to keep his wedding ring somewhere else but not wear it aroung his neck anymore ( I remember I had a bf who wore a huge st benedict pendant and that cold thing was always touching breast while he had sex and it was bothersome to me, imagine having someone's wedding ring touching you while...) anyway, I think that it's really lovely that he's not shallow and that his love for her was very deep, unlike some men who remarry 2 minutes after their wives die and that she's remembered, but with another marriage you're now his wife and the only ring he should wear is yours, if it's important to you like it seems let him know that you'd rather he didn’t wear both wedding rings at once...
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 July 2021):
 I think you need to let him take the time HE needs to let this memento of his late wife go. On his own.
You can't take her place and you aren't replacing HER.
You are your own person. This is a new relationship not a continuation of his past marriage. So don't feel like you somehow have to become "her". You will be the stepmom. a mother figure, NOT the mom. They HAVE a mom, even if she has passed. A stepmom can be just as important. Kids need love, support, and encouragement.
I will ask you this as a food for thought:
What would you do if he has a tattoo with her face/name on his body? Would you expect him to get it lasered off?
A ring on a chain is him having a little bit of her with him every day. I have my mom's wedding ring on a chain (I don't wear it daily though, but when I miss her and it gives me comfort). Other days I wear my own wedding ring on a chain (I don't like it on my finger)
Him wearing this ring doesn't minimize your importance, your love for him and his kids, and THEIR love for you.
However, I don't want to dismiss your feelings either. Your feelings should be as important to him as his feelings are to you.
I would bring it up, gently. I would consider giving him a nice necklace as a wedding gift. So he doesn't HAVE to wear the one with her ring EVERY day. I would be honest with him and tell him: "I just feel like it wouldn’t be right for him to stand at the altar putting a ring on my finger whilst still wearing hers around his neck. ".
If he needs a bit more time wearing it, I would accept that. But I think it's OK to tell him that you don't expect him to forget her and put it away until he is ready.
Talk to him. Be gentle.
You sound caring and kind. And I wish you both the best of luck going forward.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (9 July 2021):
I don’t think you’re being insensitive or petty at all OP. I think your post makes you sound like a lovely person, who not only has taken on an incredible amount of baggage, but you have done so with grace and understanding. Many people would struggle with photographs of a previous partner still being around the house no matter what the circumstances, so you’ve already showed that it’s not about her being a threat or about you wanting to erase her. But a wedding ring is a symbol of their former marriage, and I agree with you that it is different. I would feel the same as you - that he should absolutely keep it and treasure it, but if he is going to commit you you as your husband, then the only wedding ring he should be wearing is the one you give him.
In your shoes, I’d try to approach it gently first of all and ask him if he’s thought about what he’s going to do with the rings. Does he plan to continue wearing them or not. Then let him tell you how he feels. He may have considered this himself already and be preparing to give them up; he may not have thought about it; or he may plan to continue wearing them forever and not see it as an issue at all. But either way, I’d ask him for his thoughts more generally before you ask him to do anything. Maybe give him time to think about it if he needs that. Then just explain to him what you have said here. You don’t want to erase his first wife or minimise what they had together, but you’d prefer he didn’t wear both wedding rings at once.
It’s not at all an unreasonable request OP. Remember this will be your marriage too, and although you are kind to respect what his first wife meant to him, his focus should now be on you and making you feel like you’re his priority. This is a very easy way for him to do that and if he’s not willing, I’d be asking myself if he is as ready for such a big step as he thinks. Hopefully it won’t come to that though OP. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship so I’m sure you’ll be able to find a compromise that works for you both.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 July 2021):
 I think you need to broach this subject sooner rather than later so you have plenty of time to reach a mutually acceptable compromise before the wedding. I understand where you are coming from but also feel for him as it will be very painful for him to not wear the rings he associates with his first love, the mother of his children, the woman with whom he planned to spend the rest of his life. If it had not been for the tragic accident, they would still be together. You need to tread very sympathetically and with great empathy and sensitivity.
In our shoes, I would casually ask, "When do you think you will feel ready to stop wearing the rings?" It is possible he has already given this consideration and may already have decided he will stop wearing them when you marry. That would be the ideal situation. However, if he has not and just assumed you would be accepting of him wearing them indefinitely, then you need to have the conversation with him and give him time to consider what he wants to do and when. Does his wife have a grave? Perhaps you could both go to the grave and tell her, together, that, as you are getting married, he is going to stop wearing their rings but will put them somewhere special (perhaps by one of her photographs?).
I understand you love him and his boys, and want to be a wife to him, but please be careful on the terminology you use when discussing this issue with him. Using terms like "fill the void" comes across as a bit insensitive. You are not replacing her. Like every human being, she is irreplaceable. While it is admirable that you love the boys so much, she will always be their mother, and your husband to be may always weep and feel sad on the anniversary of his first wife's untimely death. Tread gently. I hope he has already given this thought and it is a relatively easy conversation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2021): He will remove the rings when he's ready. He has two young sons who lost their mother tragically, and he lost the mother of his children senselessly. How could you even have the heart to be so petty? It means you no harm. He has asked you to marry him; it is likely he will voluntarily remove the rings without being asked. I couldn't image what would cross his mind that you'd be heartless enough to suggest he should put them away!
When people lose loved-ones to tragedy or calamity; it is kind and benevolent to allow them to deal with their loss and grief whatever way they need to. You don't get to place a time-table or set a timer on it.
My opinion is you shouldn't approach the subject at all; and consider circumstances of the loss.
You mentioned it happened in 2015. My partner died of cancer in 2006; and I feel no less of a loss than I did the day he died! I learned to live with the grief, and I've found a new partner. Never has the subject come-up that I should discard or place any memento of my previous relationship out of sight. There came a time I decided to move-on; and those things were put away when I wanted to...when I was good and ready. Nobody had any right to tell me how to deal with my grief, or when it should be finished.
You're not her replacement, or due any proof when he has recovered from the loss; you're the next love of his life. If you've got a problem about his wearing it, how about considering delaying the wedding? Oh, that ain't going to happen is it?
There is no nice or delicate way to tell someone to stop expressing their grief over a tragic loss. That would never cross my mind. It would be different if it were a tattoo, or he had dozens of her pictures all over the house after the wedding. That might be much; but he'd still have to consider how the children want to commemorate their mother's memory. You can't wipe her out of his heart, she's there forever. Around his neck and under his shirt is very discrete.
Pretend they are just ornamental, and concentrate on helping him to get-over the loss by expressing kindness, tolerance, and patience. There are two children you're going to have to win over; show them your condolences by being patient, and respectful of their mother's memory. Does he have to put them away too??? They have half her DNA!!! They may have some of her features!
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