A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sometimes, when I am talking with my girlfriend, she will bring up things that have been on her mind about future plans or some idea she has. I love having these conversations. It feels good to talk about the future with her.But, when she brings those things up, she gets super defensive. It's like she already decided that I'll think its a bad idea before she even mentions it. Even though, I pretty much ALWAYS agree with and try to be supportive of anything she wants to do. Even the slightest hint that I don't enthusiastically agree with her idea makes her get really upset.The two biggest example are, a while ago she was talking about quitting her job to focus on making YouTube videos. I told her that sounds like a great idea. I also mentioned that she's in a good place financially to do that now because even if it doesn't go how she plans after a year, she'll be fine. She interpreted that as me not believing in her and almost deleted all her YouTube stuff. The thing that stopped her was deciding that my support doesn't matter... Yesterday, we had another similar situation. She was suggesting that if we spend less while we're young, then we could retire earlier. I agreed and I told her that sounds like a good idea but I also pointed out that that would probably mean less vacations and stuff. She decided that I think it's a "dumb idea" and told me that she would just do it herself...It's frustrating because it feels like I can't have a conversation with her... Unless I am 100% supporting everything she says, she gets upset and shuts me out. I want to be able to DISCUSS things, especially when they are life choices that will affect both of us...I told her that it bothers me when she gets so defensive. She said that it's because she expects criticism and feels like she has to be defensive based on her past experiences with other people. She said she's going to work on it... So I guess that's good.This feels like a really big problem and it creates a lot of tension between us, during times where things were otherwise going great... Does anyone have any ideas for how I can deal with these situations better?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 July 2021):
 1. Blaming you for what some ex or other person did or said in the past, is not fair.
2. She doesn't listen to you. And dismisses what you bring to the conversation with whatever she THOUGHT you said. Or what she expected you to say.
She says she is going to work on that... well, good. The reality is change is hard. Change takes work, "going" to work on something means nothing. It's an empty platitude, IMHO. Like a fat person who is "going" to lose weight. Again, it's great, but unless they actually GET on the ball - work out and change up what they eat and PUT in the work and effort, they will remain fat. And your GF will not change overnight because she knows she is being unreasonable.
" Unless I am 100% supporting everything she says, she gets upset and shuts me out. "
So it's her way or the highway. Basically.
That is not going to change OP. No matter what excuse she pulls out of a hat.
She wants you to "conform" to whatever SHE thinks should be done or she will "decide" that you are against her and her opinions and that your input is irrelevant.
And I don't even think she knows how unreasonable she is being.
Being in a relationship means you sometimes have to compromise. Sometimes you have to discuss and plan and come up with a plan that works for you both. She isn't willing to do that.
Do you really think she will change?
Maybe you need to ask her HOW do we get better at talking about issues that affect us both? How do we become better at accepting that sometimes you two have to agree to disagree?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2021): Firstly it's great that you've told her that it bothers you and that she is willing to take steps to change. Perhaps it's a trust thing, or maybe it's lack of self confidence or low self worth. Sometimes all that's needed is time for that to change. All you can do is continue to show her love and support. Especially if she's used to criticism. So it's understandable for her to go on the defense before you've given your thoughts on the matter. It will take some time for her to accept that there is someone on her side.
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