A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Thanks for listening!So, my fiancee and I have been together about 2 years. He is currently unemployed no fault of his own and looking for employment. However, he acts like I should be paying for everything. I don't mind helping out sometimes but I do have my own limits as well. He knows when my payday is and will be online asking for help. If I decline he becomes annoyed. Which is frustrating on my behalf. He will then ignore me and acts like I'm a terrible fiancee. I just dont feel as though it is up to me to take care of his bills and his food all the time. Am I wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2021): I think there's and easy remedy to your problem; if this guy is some online-romance living in another country.
Send him the suggestion to open a "Go Fund Me" page; or go mooch off his family.
If he is one of those online-gigolos scamming lonely females; he is probably "engaged" to dozens of women scattered all over the world.
I watched a documentary about foreign scammers in Eastern Europe, South America, Russia, and Africa. These guys spent their days online in computer cafes; chatting with women all over the world. Riding around on shiny motorcycles, wearing expensive jewelry, driving cars, and wearing designer clothes purchased by lonely-women they're extorting online. Desperate or naive-women they've promised to marry. The catch is, getting them documentation to immigrate to Europe, America, or Canada. You can't tell these women anything, you can talk until you're blue in the face! They're in a make-believe world! These guys treat them like dirt. They filmed the guys while they were online talking to these women. It was so sad.
They spoke to the director/producer of the documentary facing the camera. They laughed at the women. Calling them fat, ugly, and stupid; with too much money! They bragged to each-other how many women they had. Some were married, or had girlfriends. I was incensed watching the video!!!
The guys were young and handsome; while most of the women they were shamming were older. They all fit a profile. Some are financially-secure, some were poor themselves, usually plain in appearance, some overweight; and they all have low self-esteem. They may have met them online, or these guys hustled them while they were vacationing in their country.
I hope you're not one of those women. They ask for advice, but never use it. They like living in their own personal live soap opera and unreality show.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2021): is he from 3rd world country? This is very typical behaviour for so called boyfriends.Why does he know you payday?
I would advice to not lay all your cards on a table in front of him. This behaviour is very typical for money extortion under vail of romantic relationship: to withdraw effection until price is paid.
I have a pretty strong feeling he is from some poor country. I can assure he will never stop. Some cultures are very big on " sharing" meaning if you have more you are obligated to give. Be very very cautious.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2021): You have a choice here.Either break up and live well or stay with him and live with abuse and poverty.Choose wisely.
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A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (10 July 2021):
 Do you live together? If you live together the bills you're paying are for utilities and rent for both of you? if so I would kind of undertand you having to pay it all because you also live there( but at the same time I would evaluate whether he was looking for a job or was a lazy person, if the latter I would leave him as I can't stand lazy scroungers) but if we're talking you living in differet houses and he still expecting you to pay stuff for him and inoring you when he doesn't get you to do what he wants then he's manipulative jerk and you'll probably regret marrying him. People like that use this kind of despicable behavior to get things they want and manipulate other people to gt their way, it will only get worse when you get married, trust me. Don't walk, run from him, you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2021): No don't let him control you and your finances that is actually a form of domestic abuse if you look it up. I had a partner like this and the more I gave him the more he wanted and would get nasty if I didn't oblige. This is a huge warning sign here that you shouldn't overlook. Speak up tell him you haven't got the money and don't back down. If he's still not nice with you then call off the engagement
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2021): You are both being daft and immature. He is also selfish, mean and lazy - can you not see this - open your eyes !!You can always get work. I know a guy who is nearly 70, he hates sitting around doing nothing and likes to get out and be busy and meets people. So in the winter he gets paid to clean off peoples' snow from their paths, in the summer he washes windows, mows lawns and weeds gardens etc. He puts himself out to do it because it matters to him. He does not need the money, he has plenty of money, your guy has far more reason to put himself out and make an effort and he is fitter and more able, so he can, he is wanting to sit back and be lazy instead.As for you marrying him. Grow up. You marry someone who is responsible, who will pay the bills and take care of you. It is obvious he cannot and does not want to. Either he is pretending he wants to marry you to string you along and get what he wants now, or he is going to sit back and let you pay for everything and do all the work then.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 July 2021):
 Is this really the guy you see yourself married to, raising kids with?
My guess is no - Or my HOPE is that you don't WANT to marry or have a family with a guy who is like this.
YOU DO NOT owe him anything. IF you can help out, OK that would be up to you. But, the money you help out with is that a loan? Will he give that back?
Someone who will throw a FIT when they don't get their way is NOT going to be a good team player. And you NEED a team player in a spouse.
Why isn't he getting unemployment?
I would stop giving him money, you need to save up for a rainy day yourself. And if he CHOOSES to ignore you and throw hissy fits like a 3-year-old, maybe... you need to rethink this whole engagement and marriage.
Personally? I'd end it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (8 July 2021):
 He's on line, asking for help? Am I right in surmising that not only do you two not live together, but this is a long distance relationship? Sorry if I have that wrong, but that is what your post makes it sound like.
If I am right, and he is from a different country, I suspect you are being scammed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2021): If his covid extended-unemployment benefits have run-out; he'll have to contact his creditors to negotiate hardship payment terms. He can also contact the State Dept. of Social Services to determine what temporary benefits he is eligible for. He can contact his family for help; and answer the help-wanted adds practically plastered all over the place. I see help-wanted signs in the windows everywhere!
When you have no income at all, no legitimate job is too beneath you! Even if you're over-qualified! It's only temporary; and until you get on your feet, or get a better offer.
He should workout a budget plan with his utility companies; and apply for whatever covid assistance programs they're offering.
You are not obligated to financially-support a grown-man. He's your fiancé; he's not your husband yet. If he has been generously helping you financially from time to time; return the favor, but stay within your means. Say "no" when you can't afford to help.
Don't be guilt-tripped or pressured into doing things for people. Especially, paying somebody's bills!!! You don't get snotty or pout when you're the one down on your luck! That's not how you ask for help. If you offer to give him money, make him sign an IOU, or a repayment agreement. Any "small" amounts of money you give him, give them as a loan. If he snubs your offer, withdraw it!
Psychologically, he's using your engagement as leverage; and he knows you're scared he'll withdraw his proposal. It's up to you to want to help; and it should be based on the goodness of your heart, not fear of his breaking the engagement. If he does, you have a right to keep the engagement ring; but if he's suffering financial-hardship, give him back the ring. Especially, if he's paying for the ring on credit!
Until he's officially your husband, you have no financial responsibility to support him. If you were married, you would help each-other; but he'd be doing everything he could to find employment, not to prolong making you the sole breadwinner. If he's threatening to take a walk...let him! If that's a preview of the kind of husband he's going to be; let him go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2021): My advice, always try living with the person you are going to marry before you marry them. Living together is a whole different picture to just dating. You dont need to bail him out financially and if this is a problem before you are married you seriously need to consider if this is something you will continue to put up with.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (8 July 2021):
 No i don't think that you are wrong, he is your fiancee, not your child.
He has become to expectant on you, because you have paid for things a few times he now thinks of this as normality. If you keep paying for everything you are giving him more reasons to be lazy and not look for work and will continue free loading off of your good nature.
Are there family members that can help him?. Is claiming any sort of benefit income?.
When you decline and he becomes annoyed, then ignors you acting like you are a terrible fiance really does not paint him in a very good light.
You are engaged to him, i would have a long hard think as to whether this is the person you want to marry, because one you tie the knot then realise you have made a mistake then things could get very messy.
Nip this in the bud now, stop paying for everything, and have a long hard think as to whether this is the person you want to marry.
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