A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I guess the question I have is what do I do? About 3 years ago before my girlfriend met me she had sex with a girl while a guy she occasionally hooked up with watched. They were all out at the pub and the girl was interested in her and the guys house was close. When the guy started to get involved she left. Didn't like it. She didn't see him or her after this but is friends on face book with the guys now girlfriend. She says she doesn't regret it. She had a life experience. I'v known about this since we started dating but when I started thinking about how much she meant to me and the future, it's getting me really down. Also,she won't do the same with me. I understand why and I don't as well. When we spoke about she said that girls who say 'oh I was in a bad place' aren't being honest. You're either the kind of girl that does it or you're not. So why not with me? She also thinks it's not a big deal which I think most people would agree it is. It's most guys fantasy. The guy did nothing. Hasnt had to comfort her when down and just do much more that I won't go into. But he gets the fantasy. That just doesn't seem right to me. I want to get this out of my head. I need help and I'm looking for genuine suggestions. I know you can say that it doesn't matter what someone's done in their past but I think it does. Or at least how you see it does. Can any one give me some suggestions or advice that has been in a similar situation?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 November 2016):
 OP, your GF owes you nothing sexually.
Let's say you experimented with a male lover and you tried anal and didn't like it. That you allowed this other man to DO that to you because you were at a low point and you were hoping to do it would make him stick around. You found that 1. you didn't enjoy it, it was nothing special and 2. he didn't stick around.
So WHY do you presume SHE OWES you to do this with you when it wasn't a GREAT time in her life when she tried it and the results were NOT as she had hoped?
Now I think male anon's advice is ridiculous. It's acting like a spoiled brat who isn't getting his way - however - he does make sense when it comes to the issue of... YOU can date her and RESPECT she doesn't want to do this EVER again, not even with you OR you can take your toys and walk away.
Some people JUST don't want to add more people to their relationship and sex life - even though they tried it in the past. Accept it or walk away. But for goodness sake stop pouting and acting like you are entitled to having your GF do whatever YOU desire sexually.
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (21 November 2016):
Oh and to the male anon who suggests this is the same situation as a man who decides he doesn't want to buy expensive gifts for his current girlfriend when he did for previous ones - are you serious? Do you really believe giving your body to someone sexually is the same thing as nipping to the shop to buy a present?
The fact you equate it to a monetary transaction speaks volumes about your attitude towards women and sex. The correct opposite situation would be if SHE wanted HIM to take part in a sexual act he no longer enjoyed. You know, because sex is for both people and not something women should reward men with for good behaviour?
Oh and as for Mr Moneybags, he's well within his rights to refuse to spend his money for any reason at all. In fact, I'd encourage him to do so to weed out the gold diggers :)
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (21 November 2016):
The only suggestion I have is for you try to adjust the way you view relationships. At the moment, it sounds like you think because you have provided her with emotional support and tried to be a good boyfriend, you are somehow 'owed' more sexually than the other guy was. When in actuality, no-one is ever owed anything sexually from another person. By that logic, people wouldn't try anything in bed as doing so would mean they were obligated to continue doing it with every subsequent partner even if they hated it. Sex should only ever happen for one reason - the two people want to do it.
OP you are acting as if he got the better end of the deal here rather than focusing on the fact you are the one she started a relationship with. Presumably you get more from the relationship than just sex, which he obviously didn't get correct? So why are you ignoring all of that and focusing on this one sexual thing?
You know I've seen questions like this before and I actually think they stem from a place of insecurity. I think somewhere deep down you are terrified that she was attracted to him more than she is to you and that's what bothers you. If you could only get her to do it for you, that would give you the validation you are looking for. I also think part of it is wanting what you've been told you can't have. Just like if you tell a toddler that one particular toy is off limits - it becomes the only one they want! Be honest with yourself - would you be as fixated on this fantasy under any other circumstances? My guess is you always enjoyed the idea of it in theory but it wasn't particularly important to you until you found this out.
And finally, I'd ask you to consider what it is you actually want her to do about this. Should she do it anyway for you, despite not wanting to? Magically change her mind so she now likes the idea and does it willingly? Turn back the clock and not do it the first time so you don't feel like you've missed out?
Only one of those is possible in reality, but honestly I'd question the character of anyone who tried to pressure or coerce their partner into sleeping with another person for their own gain. Surely it would only be enjoyable to you if she was into it too? At least I'd hope so. Also, having been in the position where I've been made to feel obligated to have sex when I didn't want to, I can tell you it's the beginning of the end of your sex life together and possibly your relationship..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2016): I think that some of you are missing the point. This wasn't her first time with a girl and as I said, she doesn't regret anything. She wasn't bothered with the guy being there. She simply wanted to have sex with the girl and so basically used the guys house and as soon as he got involved she left. I haven't begged for her to do it. I've said I want to and she doesn't want to. Fine. I still need a way to stop feeling crap about it. I'm asking for advice on how to get this out of my head.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (21 November 2016):
 I understand that you feel hurt/disappointed/jealous about something that your girlfriend did in the past but won't do now..BUT...if you can't handle her wishes with grace then you shouldn't be with her. She owes you nothing and she's told you that she didn't like the experience and doesn't wish to repeat it. That's her right. End of story.
I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate it if the shoe was on the other foot. So either accept her wishes or move on because continuing to bring it up will just continue to make a rift between the two of you and the odds are your girlfriend will get sick of you bringing it up and end things.
Believe it or not, it isn't most women's fantasy to be with a woman with a man watching. Its a GUY thing...and trust me, most of the time fantasies are much better left being just that...a FANTASY.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2016): You can either accept the deal she is offering you as it stands, or you can leave. That's your choices.
It's like me and my partner. He was married before and it ended badly. After dating me for a good few months, he made it clear to me that he will never marry again. He did it once and rightly or wrongly he believes it ruined his relationship. I always envisioned marriage in my future, but faced with a choice between the two I chose him. If I didn't like it I would have left.
But what I wouldn't do is go in a huff about how he did it once before for someone who didn't appreciate him and try to convince him that if he loved me more he should be willing to marry again for my benefit. No! Nor would I want that! I don't want him doing something he really doesn't want to for me, how selfish. I know compromises are required in relationships but things like marriage and opening up the relationship sexually to other people are a huge deal and both partners need to be on board or it's a no go.
The simple truth is this - our partners have laid their cards out on the table and we can accept it or otherwise. Whining, coercion and emotional blackmail should NEVER feature in a healthy relationship. And to me, the fact you don't get that on your own tells me perhaps you are in the wrong relationship anyway.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2016):
 Let's say instead of a girl on girl viewing for you it was about a food she ate.
Let's say Lobster. she ate it once before she met you and she did not like it. Would you want her to eat it again with you JUST TO MAKE YOU HAPPY?
I'm a bisexual woman who is married to a man. I was a swinger in a previous marriage. I tell you this so I'm not called "sexually repressed"
In my swinger days we were good friends with a couple. The husband so badly wanted the wife to be with other women with him but she had tried it and did not like it. He had no choice but to respect that.
IF you cannot accept that she's BTDT and is no longer interested in that aspect of sexuality, then you have no choice but to leave her.
Whining about it, begging her, or any other sort of nag nag nag is just going to make her angry and resentful and then you may not have to leave her she may leave you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 November 2016):
 Am I reading this correctly? You're questioning the future of your relationship because your girlfriend won't have sex with another girl and let you watch? Is that basically what youre saying? I had to read this question a few times because I thought I was getting it wrong.
She didn't like it so what are you wanting to happen? Let's switch it up and say you had a gay experience in your younger years and didn't like it? Would you do it again? Of course not, so why would you expect your girlfriend to do it just because it's your fantasy?
I think most of the time it's better to leave a fantasy as just that. The amount of times I've seen people post about acting out their fantasy and it ruined their relationship. It shows how much your gf disliked it by the fact that she didn't speak to either of the people it involved since.
You need to think long and hard whether this is a serious issue to question the future of your relationship. Personally, I think this is extremely bizarre for you to be worrying about and think there must be other underlying issues for you to be thinking whether the relationship will last or not based upon this question.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 November 2016):
 What's unfair is that you expect her to do this for you, even though she doesn't want to.
You know what happened to the guy she did that for? He's not in her life any more. Yes, it's because of that - maybe you don't care if that happens to you two?
OP, most fantasies that involve others should be kept as fantasies only because it usually ruins or permanently changes the relationship.
It's highly possible she sees a future with you and that's why she doesn't want sex with anyone else. You need to see that as a good thing, not feel entitled to a fantasy she doesn't want to take part in, just because she did it in her past.
If you can't get over this in a few weeks, you need to leave her and not start another relationship until you realise women do not owe you anything sexual they don't want to do, regardless of whether they did it in their past or not.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2016):
 OP, what part of " I did not like it " you did not understand ?
Is it unfair that she does not want to replicate with you a sexual experience which she did not like ? Not at all. She does not OWE you to do anything sexual that she would find disgusting or awkward or unappealing etc.etc.
Is it unfair that , the time she got the hitch to try sex with a woman, another guy was there to watch, and not you ?
Ah yes, in this sense it's not fair, because life itself is unfair under many respects. Prince William gets to be a prince and live in the lap of luxury , and maybe, for all we know, he is not half the man you are and you are better than him in looks, intelligence, personality etc. Some people happen to be luckier than others , at least in certain occasions- but I don't see either how you can blame the girl for this, or how you could correct an inevitable fact of life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2016): Your feelings are understandable to people who look at this objectively. You will take crap from people who have baggage about sexual freedom clouding up the issue.
"The past does not matter" is bulls**t. That won't work on a job interview, it won't work in school enrollment, it won't work in a courtroom, and it should not work for sexual history. The rules of basic adult responsibility apply to everyone.
Your GF won't do the same sexual things with you that she used to do with her ex. Okay. that is her right. Its your right not to date her anymore. Those are your choices.
Go tell your current GF that you used to buy your ex-GF lots of expensive gifts, and holiday trips, and nights out. But now you don't want to do those things with your current GF because you are "over it". Your current GF will probably not be too thrilled to hear that. But what's the problem? Its the same principle as what she is doing. Exactly the same. Just because you did something with an ex you don't owe it to your next partner too - right? How dare your next partner feel annoyed about that!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (21 November 2016):
 I can't tell if you're jealous that this isn't on the table anymore, or upset it happened to begin with? What's unfair about it, that she doesn't want another lesbian experience? That she only wants to have sex with you? If you're upset she won't play around with girls anymore, I think you have to evaluate what your priorities are. You'd basically be requesting a girl to do something sexual against her will, which gets quickly into a rape-type category. If you think her past reflects on a type of loose nature I'd ask you, what NOW at this point in time in 2016 shows she's promiscuous? I think the word choice "unfair" suggests some kind of entitlement on your end. A person who was once a complete stranger owes you nothing. The things you should expect from your partner is love, kindness, respect, and support. Anything else she does for you should be icing on the cake. Her sexual choices, past and present, are her choices, and you need to respect that.
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A
female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (21 November 2016):
Why don't you mentioned to your girlfriend that you want to do that fantasy with her that she did withthe guy and the girl at the pub three years ago. When she comes home to wherever she was today. Maybe she obiag to your fantasy in the bedroom with the woman or just the two of you. She will do your request if you tell her how much it will mean to you that your fantasy will come true. Maybe she wants to leave that preticular fantasy behind on the past.
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