A
female
age
51-59,
*ioletSparkle
writes:Hi, I need some advice, I haven't dated in ages, I am 43, just went through a rough patch with major losses, illness etc, now better but I am still fragile. Anyway, since last year I meet maybe every 2/3 months this guy through work, older (I usually don't like older guys) but for some reason I had a little crush on him - I never acted upon it, because of all the above mentioned problems, maybe I looked at him a bit longer but only when he was talking at work so it didn't seem like I was staring. Anyway, 3 weeks ago we met again in a work situation, and quickly he proceeded to ask me about my life and tell me that a) he was divorced b) he felt lonely c) he had lots of energy (?! not sure about that one) I was a bit confused but I thought he just wanted to be nice because he sees me coming to these meetings by myself (I moved recently and I don't know many people) anyway 1 week ago we met again and straight up he said that he liked me (I wasn't sure I understood because it was so much out of context so I didn't say anything) and then he talked about his son. This time I got agitated, because he didn't actually do anything "normal" like saying let's have coffee and know each other better. Next week there should be another meeting and i sort of need to be there for work, but I am afraid of meeting him and what should I say if he comes on to me again? I liked his appearance and style without knowing him, but his behaviour feels a little off. One thing is a little crush on someone, another thing is really connecting with another person, and that's what I want and need. What do I do? Do I just stop going? If he starts hating me, he can really ruin my life at work. Thank you
View related questions:
at work, crush, divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (22 November 2017):
VioletSparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you, yes, I am quite depressed, in the last two years I lost my career, most friends, most family estranged, was deadly ill (now healing), lost all my possessions to mold, spent 6 months looking for an apartment and 4 months in bed after being electrocuted in a freak accident, my father I lost when I was small to mental illness so now it's more a lot of bad memories that usually are under control,
I am trying to cope at best as I can, the groups do help because they are made of people like me (adult children of dysfunctional families), but I just started so I haven't made any friends yet.
For many years now I haven't settled for anything less relationship-wise, so I am alone like a dog, but I enjoy great peace of mind at least in that department. Yes, the fact that I go into a tailspin only because some guy I don't even know tells me that he likes me proves that I am still too fragile. At least I didn't even answer him or paid attention, so I guess I am doing fine. I am determined not to pay attention to anyone who doesn't at least bother to ask me out ;) Case closed, thank you all for your wise comments.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (22 November 2017):
 Have you thought about joining a local social group for people who have lost a loved one?
There are such groups around and i'm thinking it may really help you on a number of levels.
I know you mentioned that you're going to "therapy" groups (what type?) 3 to 4 times per week, but quite obviously, these groups don't seem to be helping you at all.
This comes across within your reply and you "still" sound quite down and depressed.
Obviously, having lost your Father is a difficult situation to contend with, however, you're also carrying around an unnecessary stress.
This guy at work.
Try to forget him and move forward with your life.
He is definitely not worth your while and you can/will do so much better some day, when you're good and ready to meet someone new.
Always seek those who are DESERVING OF YOU and don't settle for anything less.
Also, you'd find, within a closed group of people, sharing common ground, an outlet in which to share your thoughts/feelings and receive some much needed support at the same time.
Also, you could try joining a local hobby group (of your choice) and re-focus your mind/energies on something that really makes you happy within.
This way, you'd also have more structure in your life and you'd be making new friends all at the same time.
What you are currently doing isn't working, so you should flip the coin and try new things.
In the end, you're nothing to lose at all and you're more likely to gain.
Do try some new tactics, just to help you feel better about life in general.
Bets of luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2017): My sincere condolences for your loss. I can relate to the need for the comfort and support of someone intimate and warm during such times. It will sometimes make you feel very vulnerable. It's like an emotional free-fall, and you don't know where you're going to land.
He was picking-up on your vulnerabilities, and his line of questions were not rooted in kindness; but to see if you were available for a casual fling.
He's a businessman, he knows how to seal the deal. There was no clumsiness. In fact, he was quite clever. Evidenced by the fact he left you confused and intimidated. That leaves him deniability should you take offense and decide to report inappropriate behavior.
...............................
A
female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (20 November 2017):
VioletSparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthing is, I have no friends left and moved when sick to a new city, so there is zero support for me - I am going to therapy groups 3/4 times a week, but that's all - it's really a stupid situation, and having silly guys to make a pass on me is really more that I can bear, I need help so much.
...............................
A
female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (20 November 2017):
VioletSparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthing is, I have no friends left and moved when sick to a new city, so there is zero support for me - I am going to therapy groups 3/4 times a week, but that's all - it's really a stupid situation, and having silly guys to make a pass on me is really more that I can bear, I need help so much.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (20 November 2017):
Thank you for your reply and it's nice to hear your thoughts.
I'm sorry to hear that you've only just lost your Father and haven't been well, but do know, that in time, you will begin to see the light again and life will be much more enjoyable.
Do take as much time as you require to grieve and to move forward and when you're ready to make the next move, just take it slow and try not to worry/stress.
Try spending a bit of time paying attention to yourself and your self-esteem and trying to preserve your health and positivity.
Don't spend too much time alone, whereby you will begin to think of the more negative and depressing things.
Ring up one of your nearest and dearest and spend some quality time with them.
Good company is always welcome and can do wonders for our morale!
Remember, it's ALWAYS better to be single and happy than be with somebody and be unhappy.
Also, if/when the RIGHT man comes along, you "will" know within yourself and you "will not" have to question yourself, the man or the relationship.
A good, balanced and healthy relationship should flow effortlessly and shouldn't feel like "hard work".
If it does, then something is wrong, for the most part.
I can relate to you, because i've shared your experience and i've learnt a lot from my errors of judgement.
It took me a long time to find my Mr Right, even though i'd had many a bf/long term partner growing up.
When i did finally meet him, i just knew instantly and he knew too.
We married in January 2016 and it was one of the best moments/days of my life.
If you don't rush and give yourself enough time, you may just find your Mr Right too.
All the very best and please let us know how you go in due time.
...............................
A
female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (20 November 2017):
VioletSparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your advice, I knew that but I didn't want to admit it - God knows why I had this crush on him at first sight, and in general he seems like a kind-hearted man the way he behaves with others, but probably not with women - I am so incredibly needy right now (my father passed away 2 months ago, I was very ill myself etc) that I would have given anything for the miracle of a guy I fancy being nice to me when I need it most. Making some tired moves to have sex doesn't qualify as "being nice to me". Thank you for the advice, I will skip the next meeting to let this cool off a bit, he never paid attention to me until a month ago, so it should be easy to go back where we started. It's very sad...
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (20 November 2017):
I have had personal experience with this situation and i didn't allow anything more to come of "his moves".
In the end, he was fired, because he was caught sleazing onto somebody else!
This is what these men do, they will try with one and if there's no success, they'll head straight to their next victim.
Be careful and protect yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (20 November 2017):
This guy is not a SERIOUS GUY and doesn't appear to have a true interest in anything serious with you.
You guys meet up at these work meetings and it's all very casual.
Casual meetings, casual moves, on his part and very odd ones at that!
He tells you he's lonely and has lot's of energy and this should be your wake up call.
You're there, he's lonely, has much energy and then what?
You should keep all conversations strictly professional with this guy, as you and he are on very different pages, relationship wise.
He really does sound a bit "tacky" and "sleazy", so take this as a warning.
Also, you should NEVER mix work/personal relationships.
It rarely works and what if things turn sour?
You may never want to go back to work again and if you were forced to, you'd have to contend with this guy and a fair bit of "gossip", not to mention what he may do to blackmail you, or seriously taint your reputation.
You've already been through a lot in your life and you certainly don't need all this stress/drama hanging over your head.
Just remain polite/professional at all times, however, do make it clear to him that you don't feel ready to be dating yet.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (20 November 2017):
 Never mix business with pleasure is a good rule of thumb. Its not wise to date someone that you work with because the fallout (and yes these situations normally do not work out) can be devastating. If you must interact with this man ALWAYS remain polite and business like. Do not let it get personal in any way. Defer his personal talk or come right out and say that you are there to work, you wish to have a good working relationship with everyone and NOTHING more. This situation can get out of control IF you let it. Don't let it. If it escalates and he refuses to get the hint, go to HR. I wish you all the best, I know from personal experience what a difficult situation this is. Stand your ground.
...............................
A
female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (19 November 2017):
VioletSparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank you for all the answers - no of course I don't "plan on complying" - thing is, his job is in another branch so except for these big meetings we won't have reason to meet, he is powerful but also far away so I am not "that" afraid, although I would like to keep good relationships. For the same reasons, even starting a relationship (IF it was the good kind of relationship) wouldn't have been a problem.
My question to all of you was: do you think his behavior shows actual interest or is it some mindless flirting? I agree that older guys tend to "put the moves" on women and many of them show a definite lack of morals (that's why I always prefer younger guys) but this one seemed a good kind-hearted person, although I only observed him with colleagues etc not with women. So I don't understand if he is being clumsy or if he is in fact acting to get something - he has NO idea I had a little crush on him, never told anyone. So how do I know if he has "honest intentions" so to speak? Because if he does, then I would consider him, maybe.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2017): Cancel your private meetings outside of work. No, he will not ruin you at work. He's counting on your fear and intimidation.
Do you plan to comply with any of his demands if he makes an improper move on you? I guess you will have to risk what he will do for asking him to stop. What he could do if you don't end this now, could be worse! He has already crossed the line. Just stop him now.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2017): Some older-guys from the "old-school" of thought still have their minds in the gutter, or in their crotch.
They assume a lady who asserts herself or shows her interest "is looking for a good time!" That's ignorance that pervades the male-species; because for the most part, many men don't relate well to women intellectually. They objectify women sexually. The old-guys still think according to old double-standards and traditions; and culture/society sometimes reinforces it.
There is a plague of allegations of sexual-impropriety surging through my country right now. It makes me sick to my guts!
Most of the allegations are true; but there are some that are politically-motivated, and have evil opportunistic intentions for some sort of gain. They all deserve attention and investigation, regardless!
How do you punish people for inappropriate language or unsolicited-passes made over 20 years ago? I guess you just drag them through the court of public-opinion, and let them be consumed by scandal and humiliation to their inevitable and deserved ruin! Those with proven charges of rape and assault, should be prosecuted!!! They abused their power and wealth to exploit people.
I don't sanction nor condone dating on the job for the very reason you wrote your post. There is the risk of inappropriate behavior; and thus the liability of a sexual-harassment suit.
It comes down to "he-said/she-said!" He feels he was given the green-light. That notion is purely out of ignorance; and the lack of sensitivity and appropriate sexual-conduct training that people should all be given on the job. I make sure my employees comply with the company's ethic's rules and code of conduct. We also make sure they get regular training regarding sexual-harassment; and the right to a safe work-environment. Free of bullying, unwanted sexual-advances, and intimidation. Educate everyone from CEO's on down!
Now there's a trend to "out you," and I commend the brave women and men who do!
The remedy to this dilemma is easy. Simply tell him that he has misread your intentions. You don't appreciate his line of questioning.
Insist things remain professional. Firmly tell him you don't like the way he is coming-off at you. Stop it!
Don't be in a room alone with him. Wait until the room is full, and stay within earshot of your co-workers at all times. If he makes suggestive-remarks or unwelcome overtures; bluntly and loudly tell him to stop, or he will be reported to Human Resources.
You unintentionally opened that door, now don't be timid. Fix it! There is still time to shut that door.
If you want to date, subscribe to a reputable online dating-service. Meet nice single available-men the old-fashioned way, but away from work. Don't use your place of business as your dating-pool; and let your crushes for co-workers remain in your head.
...............................
A
female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (19 November 2017):
VioletSparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthing is, if he is a good person I would love to go out with him, but I am not sure he is, considering his behavior that I find strange
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 November 2017):
 Be polite to him but keep conversation to a professional level. If he suggests going out or something, tell him you don't think it is a good idea to mix business with pleasure, or say you don't feel ready to go out yet. Just make any excuse but keep it pleasant so that he has no reason to hate you.
...............................
|
