A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts, I am in a fix as I type this. I made a first attempt at online dating about 7 months ago and the only guy I really had an interest in, we hit it off. It was rocky at first but we are amazing now and not a day goes by without us chatting for hours and calling. We've even shared personal issues. To be honest, when i joined online dating, I never had the best of intentions. I just wanted to use men for money but i was frustrated in my attempt and meeting this guy totally brought me out of that negativity. We had a discussion and I was to visit him in Europe first. I live in Africa. I didn't take him seriously in the first few weeks of chat because he was distant and cold. So I hurriedly said I will visit him first with my own money which of course is a lie because i don't have any money to travel anywhere.I have been unemployed for 5 solid years and only managed to secure a job this year which I quit because my life was at stake. Back again to square one just when i thought I could save up some money to meet him. I gave he excuse of my job and not being able to travel because i dont have permitted leave and he offered to visit me first in my country. We had intense discussion and I told him only half of my financial troubles because I don't want to be the typical african woman with financial difficulties. I was never this way, it's just been so difficult with the bad economy. He said he would pay for my Masters degree (a cheap one of course) if we decide to be together after my visit to his country. I will pay for my visa twice, ticket twice and the exams I need to write to get admitted onto the university. Me paying twice all boils down to the fact that he suggested I visit his country first to see if i can live his kind of life, country life, which is reasonable. And if i decide okay, I will then fly back for school and we can start our lives together and I get a permit and everything. He wants everything done legally and right. I am not against it. What I can seem to slide through is his insensitivity. He tours the world as he likes and expects someone as young as myself who hasn't held a job in years to pay for all these things. He offered to pay for any additional costs to my flight. But i dont even have the money for anything. I started doing what i could to raise the money for the flight and expenses but its been met with a dead ends and I will not sell my property for something that isn't certain. I can't and refuse to tell him that I can't pay for anything because I am really ashamed. He is just 4 years older than me and doesn't even have a degree like me but is doing Okay for himself. I will be too ashamed to tell him like a loser that I can't even pay for my visa or anything.My sister who lives abroad contacted me some days back that she secured a job for me where she works. I was overwhelmed. I was happy but burdened and sad at the same time. My heart sank at the thought of losing something so beautiful because I am financially handicapped and dont want to be a burden to him. My mind is half made up about moving to a new country to work but I really do want to meet him. I dont know if I should lose this job to meet him. Or forget him and move on since we haven’t met physically. I told him I will take the job and he was mad at me. HE asked why I wasted his time and why choose a job over us. He doesnt understand the gravity of my situation. I have subliminally tried to tell him O am penniless but he doesn't seem to get it. It is hurting so bad because I rarely do like people. If i leave him, it will take ages before I find something so beautiful. I will never tell him how i struggled for 5 years without a job. And I don't know If i should cut him off like that or tell him bye. We have only weeks apart to meet in my country and I have only days to travel for work. I want him but I can't phantom life as a burden on him. He doesnt earn much and I don't want to drag him down. Do I choose financial freedom over potential happiness?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 November 2017):
 I would be very suspicious here, something does not add up. Please put your safety first at all times. Remember that even though you have both spoke over the internet it does not mean you know him, he is still a stranger to you, please do not put yourself at risk and if he is travelling to meet you please ensure you are not alone meeting him. Protect yourself.
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (21 November 2017):
 Umh! I'm not sure you were really hearing the advice and warnings the aunts were handing you. If you find yourself penniless in Europe you could just simply disappear off the map. You need enough money of your own to be self-determining. You need escape money and enough to pay your own way.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 November 2017):
 Please be careful, OP. There's something not right about him. If you want to continue with him, that's okay, but please be more realistic.
Love develops over time spent in person. Fantasies develop over time spent talking over the phone and online. Until you spend several weeks together in person (not necessarily all in one go), you won't really even know each other.
Please be sensible and take it *very* slowly. Get the job, focus on that and fit him in where you can, but don't pin all of your romantic hopes on him (or any new relationship).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI finally told him the truth and he decided we shouldn't give up. He said he will visit me in the new country and we see how it goes from there. He also told me he didnt know the gravity of my situation and would not ask me to pay for flight tickets if i didnt have it. He still offered to pay only after we've met and decided we both want to be together.
Thank you all once again
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2017): His feelings are based on what you've told him. They may change once he knows the truth. You plan to tell the truth when he arrives to visit you. What other choice would you have once he is present to see things with his own eyes?
You didn't start things out honestly. So you now have to go back and tell him you haven't been working for five years; which is quite a long time. If he is a laborer, you are correct; he would have to be quite a good planner to afford a lot of travel. It's easier when living with your parents; and that might change now that he has taken on home ownership.
He tells you not to take a job? So you're supposed to place your future and well-being in the hands of a man you've never met in-person? That's not only risky, it's not very smart. You're so sure you have some beautiful relationship going when you haven't been in each others presence; and he doesn't really know everything there is to know about you.
My advice. Take the job your sister found you. Rebuild your life. There is no romance, only the possibility based upon how your first meeting goes.
To initiate the romance with the European; would require you to leave your country, obtain the required visas, and start life from scratch. You would have to find employment. Until then, you would be very dependent on someone in a country where you have no relatives or friends. You wouldn't be able to afford to travel back and forth.
You really don't have a relationship, it all hinges on how things go once you've met. The first thing you have to do is tell him you weren't honest about some things. You also have some cultural differences to deal with. Interactions over the internet are easy to conduct; because you can withhold a lot about yourself.
You can't miss or regret the loss of something you've never had, my dear. We don't live by what-if, we live by what is. We aspire to what could be; and that is materialized through common-sense and a solid plan. Getting a job is your first priority. Plus you would have your sister as your anchor and support-system once you've relocated for the job. Something more dependable and practical.
I only advise here. I don't tell people what to do. That's your choice. We live with the consequences of our choices.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 November 2017):
OP, I'm all for long distance relationships, but only realistic ones. What you have with this man isn't healthy. Trust me; I know the red flags - we all do. No man who cares about you would tell you to put him first, instead of a job - especially when you haven't had one properly in 5 years.
This man wants you to be the way he wants, not the way you want or what's best for you. Never risk your security for someone you barely know and haven't spent much time with in person.
You are a smart person, but he is clouding your judgement. Focus on getting and keeping the new job, then finding a boyfriend you can spend time with in person, who doesn't want you to put him before financial stability.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input. Let me clarify something. I have been independent before I finished university. I lived on my own for a while before moving in with my mum when I couldn't pay the rent. I take care of everything that concerns me and have never depended on anyone for anything. I might not truly know who he is but he is not an old man. He is a labourer in Germany. He still lives with is parents and already just got his own home. I saw all these on video call. He never offered to pay for my flight or visa or anything. He only said what any reasonable man would say if you already have a strong emotional connection with someone that the best bet was for me to go to school to buy us time to be together because he wouldn't marry anyone to get them to stay with him. Neither of us is ready for marriage and since live is a priority to is both, it's not something we would rush into because I don't have money.
I dont expect him to pay for my flight or visa. I was working initially and saving up could have allowed me to pay for my own stuff but the thing is I quit the job too early and couldn't save. I am trying to get other jobs to prepare for my travel with him. I am very sure if i told him to pay for everything, I am more certain he will say no and end it(not really sure).
If i was looking to truly escape my financial situation, I wouldn't be with a labourer, I would be with a rich white man or someone who has more money. It's because I know what I feel for him. Many people have led successful relationships from the internet and I shouldn't be an exception but even I after being so independent for so long, I cannot imagine being dependent 100 percent on him. I planned to tell him the truth after his visit to my place in a few weeks. But it wont be happening again I guess.
He doesnt want me to take the job because when we initially spoke, he told me love is the number 1 priority in his life and the most important. I also said it is too to me. I guess I wasn't being completely honest with myself. A job had more priority for me. He has a better standard of living so money isn't so important for him since he is okay but I guess I am at fault here. I didn't tell him that I was useless and couldn't afford a penny to travel. I feel so hurt that because of not having money I once had, my relationship has to be defined by this. Thank you all for your response.
I'd take the job and tell him the truth.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (20 November 2017):
 Also, you've stated that you reside in the US, yet you tell the reader you live in Africa.
Why?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2017): I meant to say:
"He DOES know your situation."
If he knows what area you live in, he can check-out the economy.
"Why would you accept and expect so much from some man you don't know?"
"How will you support yourself; if he doesn't even shop-up to meet you?"
Please pardon my typographical-errors!
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (20 November 2017):
Honestly, you have tried to start something with somebody else, all based on untruths and lies.
You should have informed this guy, from the BEGINNING, that you do not work, haven't worked for 5 long years and cannot support yourself.
Simply feeling "ashamed" isn't a good enough excuse.
Yes, it may be hard to do, but it's even harder to try and "use somebody else" and expect them to pay your way consistently.
You'll get caught out, then get dumped.
NO MAN, in his "right mind" will "tolerate" your behaviour.
You should cease talking to this guy and tell him that you're very sorry for what you've done and you should sincerely thank him for all he's done for you to date and wish him well on his life's journey.
He deserves better than this and you know it.
If you carry a conscience and feel remorse, this is the right thing to do.
You do know about KARMA and the fact that you admitted, that you initially wanted to "use men for their money", tells me you haven't remotely got the "best of intentions" toward men in general and you should be working on your inner self right now, instead of wasting/investing all of your time/energy with/on this guy and also wasting this guy's precious time.
Surely you cannot expect a guy you've never met, to spend their money on you, to help you with travel expenses, study, etc;.
This guy is not "insensitive" and if he "tours the world", that's because HE CAN AFFORD TO, HOWEVER, this doesn't give you, CARTE BLANCHE to EXPECT handouts and anything "extra" from him.
You're being way too dangerously co-dependent.
You need to work on being more honest and transparent, if you have any chance of succeeding within a relationship and most importantly, you SHOULD take this job and NOT let it go, to follow this guy.
The job is MORE IMPORTANT because it brings you the financial freedom and relief that you so desperately require.
You must get your working and financial life, BACK IN ORDER and the SOONER THE BETTER.
You aren't thinking of the "long term" here and this is why you're making such crazy and hasty decisions.
Ask yourself, where will i be in 5/6 years, if i am unemployed and relying on another person wholly?
Do i feel good about using somebody else for constant financial support and gain?
If you don't work and go to meet this guy, well honestly, you cannot expect him to take full financial responsibility of you.
You must work and learn to stand on your own two feet and show everybody that you are able to pay your way and be completely independent.
No man is ever responsible to take full financial responsibility of you and such a union would be very unhealthy and unbalanced.
You must fend for yourself, because what happens if he did do that for 4 more years and then wakes up to your abuse, leaves you and then what for you?
That'll be almost 10 years unemployed and ten times harder to get back into the workforce.
Not a very smart idea.
Take some serious action in your life and STOP expecting others to pay your way.
If you choose the right path, in the long run, you'll look back and be thankful that you did choose the job over the guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2017): If a man can get you to Europe totally dependent on him; he can do whatever he pleases with you.
How do you know this guy isn't part of some human-trafficking ring? Isn't it odd to you he's so willing to spend money on some woman he has never even met?
If you can lie to the guy why can't you cut him off?
He DOES knows your situation. He travels, so he knows the economy in your area. He also knows what risks desperate young women in your country will take. He's counting on you making the wrong decision. You could fall right into a trap. Just the fact you are willing to take such risks tells him more than he needs to know about you. He also knows you're lying about your job and financial situation. Why would you accept and expect so much from some many you don't know? Why would you be so trusting? Sweetie, he has you all figured out!
I think you're tempted by his offer and you're afraid to pass him up on it.
My answer regarding this man? You had better pass on him, and find yourself gainful-employment. Don't go looking for some foreigner you met on the internet to take care of you.
You just might find yourself on the streets of Europe turning tricks and being treated like garbage. If you lied about yourself, he could just as easily be lying to you. He is calling your bluff, he has no intentions of coming to see you. He can't afford it either. He's probably some broke disgusting old troll in a dirty flat; preying on naive young females looking for someone to save them. He's making promises; but so far, nothing offered has materialized.
Even if he is everything he says he is, you're not!
Your sister is offering you a job. Take it. Get that nonsense about that man out of your head. You will not find some generous benefactor out there wanting to pay for your education and do all those things without expecting something from you in return. It just doesn't happen!
You don't have anything beautiful. You have a lot of promises from some uneducated European that you don't even know where all this money is coming from.
Don't turn naive into stupid. If you put your life on the line unnecessarily, you are taking a huge risk. He may meet you, feel disappointed, and you will be stuck in a foreign country without a job or a dime to your name. Waiting to be deported. How will you survive yourself; if he doesn't even shop-up to meet you?
It's God's divine-intervention that you can't find the money to travel. It's God's blessing that your sister found you a job. Take it! Forget about him. You need to keep your imagination in-check, my dear! Don't be ashamed, be smart!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (19 November 2017):
I think you have oversimplified your situation and perhaps wrongly identified your problem. From what you tell me you only have this man as a kind of pen pal. You are friends. You may have exchanged a few confidences but you don't really know what it is like to be together.
Furthermore you have failed to honestly explain your situation to him. You are expecting too much from this tenuous connection with him. Don't think about travelling to Europe unless you have enough funds to get you there and back, and support yourself while you are there.
Also how do you know you can trust this man if you did travel to meet him? Too risky.
You tell us you live in Africa but have posted under the flag of the USA. Was this in error or is there an aspect to this you haven't explained?
Five years is a long time to be unemployed. What chances are there for you now, or do you see a new life in Europe as your best option? I think you need to be very careful and look into your heart. You may consider yourself penniless now, but being penniless in Europe is going to be far worse for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2017): If he doesnt earn much how can he tour the world ? Sorry just need clarification .
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 November 2017):
OP, you will never be happy or responsible until you can financially support yourself. Moving to another country with a man you truly barely know is not wise - you will turn into a "mail order bride" and be "bought" by this man.
Take the job your sister has secured for you. Learn to be independent and financially stable. THEN look for love - I doubt it will be with this man.
Also, he isn't as "beautiful" as you think he is. He is insensitive and controlling. No decent man would suggest you, a penniless person, give up a job that will keep you safe, to be with him, someone you've never met.
You will find someone else - a decent man, not this one. However, you *must* focus on getting this job and helping yourself, not relying on a man you've never met, who doesn't want the best for you.
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