A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been carrying on an affair with a married man. He is going to leave his wife, I do believe that. The thing is, the original timeline for him leaving her has already come and gone. Circumstances have just naturally happened that have caused him to have reason to stay until those circumstances have been resolved. I am getting impatient, and I really want to anonymously tell his wife about us to speed things up. Obviously, I can't have him know that it came from me, so I would need to be very sly and clever in how I tell her and what I say.Any advice?
View related questions:
affair, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2017): I am the mistress..... I have also been married for 10 years and I'm in the same boat as this woman. I am ready to throw 10 years down the drain for another man who is also married. Love makes you do crazy things but..... I have been sitting on the planned text message Anonymous of course that I have been planning on sending her. I have not sent it yet I am waiting for the right time if there is a right time but like her I am getting impatient and I am ready to be with him and I want him and I will do whatever need be to get him.... so to the lady who wants to do this more power to you
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Everyone says don't do it. Hmmm you have asked for some advice on how to do it. It's dicey. You have to really think it out. Yes you can send an email to his wife. Im sure you have information that he doesn't know you know. Men in affairs tend to let down their guard with their lovers .. sharing much more than just their bodies. You must know some rather private things that he doesn't know you know. I imagine that you are angry at him because he made promises to you and then broke them and I agree with the others who write that trust is a hard thing to hold onto when your relationship began with lies and deceit. However it is your choice to accept that as a part of the life you will have with him. I would imagine, that he is really scared of change. Possible and actually quite likely, financial woes. The effect on his children if he has any, Social connections, The impact on his ability to focus at work, Family approval.... Yadda Yadda. If you really do want to inform his wife, there are a few ways to do it anonymously. One is to create a yahoo or gmail account and send an email from that account to his wife.Probably best to go to an internet cafe in another part of the city and pay cash as each computer has an ip address and is tracable. Put yourself in the mind frame as if you are a business associate or tenant or ex or present friend that appears to have a grudge for something that happened in the past... reluctant but vindictive... and by the way I imagine that that is actually a bit like how you feel as, even though you love him and want him, he is not following through with what he said he would do, very disappointing. And yes all, here is a newsflash, it IS possible to love someone very much and be angry at them for failing you, Yet still want them to be your life partner. no one is perfect and change is hard. Sometimes you have to push fate. He probably doesn't hate his wife, he's just bored and fallen in a rut. That said, likely it isn't THAT BAD or he would have left. So...rather than go on and on I will make up an example letter -- obviously you should not use the exact words as an internet search with any string of the words I am writing will likely pull this thread up.Here it is:There is no nice way to say it, your husband is cheating on you. You can ignore this info, you can confront him with no evidence, or you can spend a couple days calmly trying to find out if there is any merit to this email. Take a look at his credit card statements, his phone records, perhaps tell him you have an unexpected family emergency that requires you to leave town over night or for a day or two and instead stay in town and follow him. Considering his level of indiscretion, that should give you more than enough time for you to find out.--------------------Short and to the point.No matter how it works out, you'll have closure.I would be very interested, if you have the energy, to update as to whether you did it or not, and if you did, what the outcome is.Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): so your in love with this married man right? ok. imagine that things did go the way you wanted and this man and his wife got divorced, clearing the way for you and him to commit and start a family. do you really think his parents will accept you with open arms as their new daughter in-law? can you cope with standing at the alter listening to your man make his vows KNOWING he has already said them before? just think about what telling his wife will mean for her future, his and yours.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): UNBELIEVABLE. puts all mistresses to shame, going any lengths to keep a married man. no scruples. if your married lover knew exactly who he was in bed with he will run a mile, wouldn't it. deception, the order of your life.wow.trust you are getting some laughs at the responses.
...............................
A
female
reader, goodwoman  +, writes (17 August 2009):
I have to stop saying to myself....unbelievable. I have to stop shaking my head....I have to stop myself from being critical of this situation. Anonymous female, age 30-35 is pondering outing her married lover to his wife. There is another agenda hidden here that anonymous female doesn't want to acknowledge. Either this is a question posed to seek closure to an otherwise doomed relationship for all three people involved or this is a question posed to add some sort of excitement to an otherwise dull situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 August 2009):
 I'm with the goodwoman, what makes you think the wife doesn't already have an inkling at least that her husband is cheating? He's probably done it before and a wife can usually tell. Go ahead and tell her, I think you'll be very surprised at the outcome.
...............................
A
female
reader, goodwoman +, writes (17 August 2009):
You want to know if it is okay to inform your lover's wife about you....anonymously....for two reasons...the first being the deadline to inform her has passed and secondly you are getting impatient with the lack of action on the part of your lover to do so, correct? You firmly believe the he will leave her so the two of you can be together, correct? You also believe that circumstances have just naturally happened that have caused him to have reason to stay until those circumstances have been resolved. You are thinking that by anonymously informing the wife you will force the action that you want? Go for it, tell the wife - I'm sure there are plenty of ways to do this, a letter, a phone call, have someone tell her. But, I must ask do you really think she doesn't already know or at least suspect? What are the special circumstances that are preventing him from leaving his wife for the woman that he loves? Is this what you want? Do it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): Lets fast forward. You've done the deed and his wife is devastated. She kicks him out and he comes running to you...for a week. Then his wife feels depressed and he feels guilty and he talks to his wife for several hours trying to work out why he cheated and where their marriage went wrong. In the end they decide to give it another go. He leaves you, says he is sorry. Then, 4 weeks later he texts you, says he misses you and you also miss him. You feel weak and invite him over. You sleep with him and become his bit on the side all over again. That is what you are now. I'm afraid to tell you he would have left if he wanted you - really wanted you. He has used you and the only thing left for you to do to try and salvage the humiliation is punish his wife. My best advice (and it is based on being in your shoes)is to dump this guy because you know you are propping up his marriage by seeing him. Walk away from a man who is actually using two women and not caring one bit. I guarantee you (again based on my own experience) he is sleeping with both of you. How does that make you feel? Has he told you how horrible she is? Doesn't understand him? I've heard it all trust me. Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and dump him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): you are being funny right?????? you are now panicking and know in your heart that he will not choose her over you . what a sly devil,. not only having her husband on the side but now wanting to interfere directly with her. i know you have no shame but to stoop even lower, surely you are outdoing yourself.
oh well, seems like lies and deceit is what you are used to, so being the anon tipoff is just one of the many hats you can wear. why don't you want him to know you were the one spilling the beans. oh yes, he would be a tad bit upset now wouln't he. seems like you would try anything and everything to get your married man even though he has made his decision by not meeting your deadline. what a piece of sh1t you have turned out to be. i think your MM realises this as well, don't you. oh well, spill the beans and wait for the fireworks. the life os a mistress...interesting isn't it. so full of drama.........and i am sure you wouldn't want it any other way.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): We all say,he will never leave his wife - how would you like to be that wife that he is staying with - you know what you are doing with him - you know what you share with him in bed. Can you even begin to know the pain she will be in when she knows the story about how she has been sharing her husband with you. How long has that been? In your mind can you imagine how long she will picture the 2 of you being intimate, the questions she will ask him about you, the questions she will search for answers to about herself. If they stay together they will have to work on this marrage for a very long time - their lives are forever changed. Her pain will last for years!!!
Do you belive that the two of you can start a life of LOVE
on the lies he is telling you about leaving his wife, and you wanting to sneak to his wife on the sly, with a clever plan of telling her about his & your affair. Do you hear the words your using - you want to deceive the man you love. This isn't worth all you are going through and you don't need the baggage. You sound like a smart woman, give your self a break, GET OUT OF THEIR LIVES! you will thank yourself years from now. If you win him - you will still lose in the end. You will be in the same place the wife is now - at some point down the road. You made a mistake it doesn't have to be your life story. Find that person that will truly LOVE you he IS out there for just you.
I Belive It!
...............................
A
female
reader, AllisonDro +, writes (17 August 2009):
not sure why you would want him to leave her... haven't you ever heard "if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you"?? he obviously doesnt have much regard for the commitment he has with his wife...so why are you expecting one from him?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): Don't do it. Do you really want someone who is dishonest and sneaky? Do you admire and respect those qualities? Do you really think he won't do the same thing to you? The best thing you could do is get out with your dignity in tact before you make a bigger fool of yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (17 August 2009):
 Are you honestly asking for advice for how to best break up your affair partner's marriage?Why are you involved in this at all? Well...she does have a right to know... so she can decide how she wants to proceed. She may want to try to salvage her marriage or she may want to divorce him or maybe she would like to beat the xxxx out of you and/or him. No matter how sly you are in delivering the message she will find out who you are and so will the rest of yours/his family/friends, coworkers... and if you thought a secret relationship was painful, it will only get worse.You are a part of a very cruel and devastating thing, I understand you have feelings for this man, but you have no claim on him and no right to be involved. You are not thinking of her as a human being, but an object that you want to get out of your way. Put yourself in her shoes and get out of this situation before you hurt an innocent person even more.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 August 2009):
You really believe he is going to leave his wife? Sorry, but not gonna happen. My mother told me this years ago, a man will almost never leave his wife for another woman. Like the others said, why would he when he can have his cake and eat it too?
As far as telling his wife, that's a no no. It should be between he and his wife. You are only in it because you're sleeping with him. You don't even want to tell her because you feel bad for her because her loser husband is cheating on her, you only want to because you want him for yourself! You are a selfish person. What goes around comes around. Find someone else that isn't married! And hopefully he won't cheat on you. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): Don't hold your breath!!! I'm no expert but i cant figure out a reason why he would leave his wife when he can have his cake and eat it. Honestly though, if you and he ever got together, what makes you think he wouldn't be just as unfaithful to you as he is to his wife???
...............................
A
female
reader, kahlan  +, writes (17 August 2009):
 You must guess what im going to say.If he was going to leave her he would have by now-unless the circumstances are really exceptional,then what?There will probably be another exceptional reason not to leave again.Please dont tell his wife.No matter how secret and sly you are,the chances are he will know it was you who told her.My best friends partner left his wife for her.He kept promising to leave his wife for her.He kept giving her dates he would leave but something always came up.The only reason my friend got her man was because his missus found ut and threw him out.She then divorced him and took him to the cleaners.My friend-lets call her J and him N to simplify things cant trust him as N is now screwing J about with anything that moves.Once a cheat always a cheat.His wife will more than likley catch him out anyway.No matter what happens Good Luck.Just remember you deserve better than a cheating toerag who will probably break your heart like he will break his wives.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): I agree with old guy! If they're legitimate circumstances causing him to stay with her for longer, and if you truly care about him, you should wait a little longer. How can you start something real based on you sneaking round lying? You'll end up worried he'll find out it was you. And if she finds out from anyone but him, then things will be much more unpleasant for a much longer time. Do you want that for him? If the circumstances aren't reasonable, or they resolve themselves, then tell him you won't hang around waiting any longer. Or if you really can't wait and would prefer to lose him rather than wait any longer, tell him that now but it might not go well. I find that men will do pretty much anything to be with me if I give them some space.
...............................
A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (17 August 2009):
 If you don't know by now that a married man will NEVER leave his wife for a "SIDE PIECE" by now, then you never will. I mean really, think about it: if he really wanted you that bad there would have never been an deadline in the first place. GROW UP and leave this man and his wife ALONE, before you end up regretting it.And just like Old Guy posted below: Do you really think he'd want to be with someone who would do something so despicable?It's not rocket science to know that eventually he'll KNOW it was you who told his wife...so your little "bright idea" should be trashed, whens the last time you used your brain?????
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (17 August 2009):
 I have advice...tell her yourself...please be honest...HE WONT!I guarantee it.He has no reason to. He has you both.Please understand that it is very unlikely he will ever tell her. For he is not going to leave his marriage for you. If the date for the ultimatum has passed, you are being used just as much.It's the price you pay for the poor choice you have made. The wife is the victim, not you!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): Any thoughts about how he'd react if he figured out it was you? You really think he'd want to be with someone who would do something so despicable?
...............................
|
