A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have been together for over a year.At first, like all relationships, things started off great, we'd text all the time, the sex was regular, we were both affectionate to each other. However, over the last few months, things have changed.Lately, it seems I'm pretty much the only one that's giving. The sex life is practically dead. Despite how often or much I text, I always get short and sweet texts few and far between, and it seems I'm pretty much the only one being affectionate.Now, I used to pick up her phone and write little memos on there, like she used to do with mine, saying "I love you, you're my world" etc. I had never checked through her texts (sent or received). However, lately I seem to be getting somewhat interrogated whenever I talk to a female, add a female friend on to Facebook, etc.Then one night, I decide to look through her messages -if I'm getting 20 questions for talking to someone of the opposite sex, I'm asking myself why? She had a text from an ex boyfriend - or at least an ex long-term casual partner - asking if she was over him, and asking if she really wanted to meet up or if it was just a passing desire. Immediately, red lights. I read her reply to him, and she'd said she wanted to catch up, but probably not the same way he did. My mind felt somewhat at peace because from that I assume she wanted to catch up, but just as friends. Slightly uncomfortable about the idea, but one I'd be willing to accept.After that, I couldn't help but check her phone again a few days later. She had spent the night at mine, and I checked her phone in the morning while she was asleep. Two messages sent and received both ways. He texted saying he wants her. She replied saying she wants him too. He replied saying he can't get her out of his head. She replied saying she felt the same way and he is constantly on her mind. This was sent the night she stayed at mine, right at the time when she and I were sitting together watching TV!I haven't told her I've read the messages yet. Part of me doesn't want to, as this could just be one of those things where committed women like the attention and it's a morale boost etc. Also, it's almost like I want to leave it for a while, check her phone now and then to see if there's any more contact and what the nature of it is. Even after reading these messages, and voicing general worries that I'm scared I'll lose her, she's reassured me that she loves me, wants to marry me, and we'll be together always.I know I shouldn't have gone through her phone in the first place, but it's happened. But now I'm just worried. It's been 3 days since those texts, and I have checked her phone when possible since and there has been no more communication between them as of yet, which has given me a little bit of peace - if things were going to get serious, then surely there would have been more contact by now. I did write his number down, and was debating calling him up or sending an "anonymous" text telling him to back off from engaged women, but I've since deleted the number.Anyone else in/been in this situation? I don't know what to do or what to think.
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engaged, facebook, fiance, her ex, sex life, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Those texts didnt lead you to believe,THEY SHOWED YOU. She is with you,but sexually available to who she chooses. I cant make my mind up whether youre mentally strong or wimp. She knows how she see`s you though. Ditch the bitch.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): Fact - It is YOU who is being driven to the point of despair, YOU face not only humiliation and pain, YOU have to face and continue to be with her whos acting like nothing has happened. Shes gonna speaks a few choice words to say sorry, shift blame and gets away with it, until the next time, and the next. the vicious cycle never ends. it continues. Why? because YOU make it so easy for her to do as she pleases. You already see her for what she is. she made a delibetrate choice, she chose to have this f**k buddy in her life, so do not fool yourself. She ives a lie continously. Make no mistake- she is not the one "suffering".She is the one enjoying.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): if you send him text saying back off,they will become more secret. look mate,its not good saying it,but they are in it together. rite now you are being decieved,there is a lot of disrespect for you,do not feel bad about sneaking through her belongings or anything. if she was a normal woman then you wouldnt have to stoop to this. they are a good match and deserve each other,and she will be the one taking her moods out on you. Its normal to meet a liar once or twice in your life,its learning experience,but it looks like you are doing everything to prove yourself wrong. I have neen where you are,it also took me years to accept she was a similar type to yours. This is nothing to do with how you treat her,its to do with loving what you now know as an unfaithful woman. I was blamed just like you will. When she knows you found out she may blame it on you,show anger because you shouldnt have found out. The most famous one is to then start accusing you and bringing up relationships you had before you even knew her. Later it turns to crap,we are soulmates,we are meant,i am never going to risk losing the man i love again. its bull,they adopt different techniques.Believing again they wont get found out. Eventually you will be so untrusting,paranoid and insecure that you wont even recognise yourself. You are ok,then next minute you are looking at them thinking why am i so weak to still be with this tramp? You either go or enjoy your punishment.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 The only thing you need to do is find the nearest curb to kick your fiance to it...Engagements are a dress rehearsal for a life together and if she is doing this crap now, better to jettison her than to be stuck with a mortgage, a bald head and a beer gut and a couple of kids with this woman only to find out 5 years down the road she has been screwing this guy the whole time...if it is not this ex it will be somebody else...sorry this is happening to you, but she is doing you a favor by showing her true colors before you walk down the aisle, and you risk becoming a true doormat if you don't dump her now.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (24 January 2011):
The only thing you need to do is find the nearest curb to kick your fiance to it...Engagements are a dress rehearsal for a life together and if she is doing this crap now, better to jettison her than to be stuck with a mortgage, a bald head and a beer gut and a couple of kids with this woman only to find out 5 years down the road she has been screwing this guy the whole time...if it is not this ex it will be somebody else...sorry this is happening to you, but she is doing you a favor by showing her true colors before you walk down the aisle, and you risk becoming a true doormat if you don't dump her now.
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Anonymous female stated Many guys are too scared to admit they get turned on by another man with their partner. Nothing wrong with it. I cheated on my man,he knew but didnt know he liked it until he told me. I allow him to sleep with females because life is about fairness.She must learn that.
What a load of rubbish if you marry and still persist in those kind of behaviours why on earth do the both of you bother getting married if you cannot maintain being monogamous with one partner at times it makes worry about society as whole with comments like that :/
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): okay,first thing is,if you are secretly getting turned on,and in denial,it needs facing head on. I have a feeling that you cant tell people the truth and look a fool if you dont leave so pretending nothing is going on between her and fb is the only option. Why not come clean with her and get her to tell you all about it slowly so you can test the water? Is there any chance of you both sharing? I dont feel its fair her objecting,yet getting her own sneakily. Come clean,tell her and also you need a bit on the quiet too. If she says no then dump her ass. No way in a million years would you be there if it wasnt turning you on.But you must not live in denial. Many guys are too scared to admit they get turned on by another man with their partner. Nothing wrong with it. I cheated on my man,he knew but didnt know he liked it until he told me. I allow him to sleep with females because life is about fairness.She must learn that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): I have been exactly where you are. Attacked for fancying girls i didnt even find attractive and exactly that kind of shit going on at the same time. She got another phone and hid it, if i asked,she would lie. She still doesnt know the true extent of what i saw. If someone isnt trustworthy,you wont trust,it goes downhill. Basschck and Manya,after just looking at other answers they made,it is very good to see not all women are on here to bash men and are very balanced in what they have answered. It doesnt alter my belief though,that no matter what is happening,some are loyal,some are untrustworthy. Her not liking you talking to females on facebook is a classic. Stop trying to to pretend it wasnt what you saw or it might have meant different,you saw it. Too many people say,there must be something missing,try and talk. Has she? Yes but not to you. No matter how up or down your circumstances,relationship or life is,not everybody cheats,lies and is disrespectful enough to txt dirty secrets in the presence of the ones they love. She abused your trust.Your relationship is at risk,a risk she is taking with someone she knows is not offering a relationship,just sex.Do you get secretly turned on? Somehow I dont think you do. She has spotted you are a soft touch. If you dont get out now,you will have a bad quality of life forever. You have seen her capabilities,so stop believing everything she tells you. The only other option is a trainee cuckold. Do not believe you wont get anyone better. There`s a far better chance of meeting one than there is of her not cheating. Yes you can try and talk but the only words you need are "Goodbye." She will be likely to blame either you or her lover,believe,thats what he is and there is no sex for you,for him yes,you saw it so accept it.
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A
male
reader, faenon +, writes (24 January 2011):
They're warning signs alright and keeping quiet about it in long run is just going to cause yourself more harm than good more so since you two are planning on getting married.
I'd ask her if she is really over the ex and go from there for if she is allowed to play the field once without you knowing (or due to poor advice on keeping quiet) once married its going to happen again liars and adulterers never change their spots regardless of how many rose tinted glasses some people on here wear.
Ask her whats going on approach it calmly if you dont get a decent enough answer or explanation move on think of it this way it's better to kick the whore to curb now before getting married the line in the sand so to speak is drawn now what happens next is what you decide on the situation at hand.
Also just a reminder [quote]she's reassured me that she loves me, wants to marry me, and we'll be together always.[quote] Actions speak louder than words always and you've found her professing love/attraction to another man an ex of all things remember that my friend good luck and hope you find happiness and peace out of all this.
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A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (24 January 2011):
Well, this sounds absolutely awful. It wasn't too bad until she said she wants him, too. Are you sure she meant sexually? I think Basschick is right, and you'd best not say anything (for now). Perhaps it was just a passing insecurity or "cold feet" about marriage. Have you set a wedding date? I think something is clearly off-balance in your relationship right now. She wouldn't be so jealous and questioning if she wasn't wild about you... But yet you say she's not being romantic. ???????
I think you two need to talk, REALLY TALK AND COMMUNICATE,
not about the text messages, but about your feelings towards one another. If you feel she's not giving, then why has she changed? It probably isn't this guy. Perhaps it's something more basic. You could try going to see a pre-marriage counselor. Also, do you think you hurt her feelings by "friending" other women? That can be painful, believe it our not, if it somehow makes her feel less loved. i think somehow you have to think yourselves back to the way you felt when you first met.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (24 January 2011):
 You need to call her out on her actions and leave her. I'm sorry, but there's honestly no way around it. If you sit back and wait, more will happen, and it will only devastate you further. Take it from someone who's been where you've been and has seen the proof of someone's warning when they tell you: Get out. This girl is not worth your time. Plain and simple. If she is texting an old "flame" telling him that she wants him, she's not being faithful to you. It doesn't matter that you haven't seen anything recent. You two don't live together. She could be calling him late at night, or seeing him on occasion. Or e-mailing him or chatting through one of the hundreds of social sites that exist online. Please don't kid yourself here. I know you don't want to lose her, but you have to give up on someone who's not completely yours to begin with. Her heart's not in this if she's claiming she's "constantly thinking about another guy" and "wanting him". This is a red flag to you because deep down you know that it's cheating. Tell her about your findings if you like, but don't talk to her just to stay with her. She'll keep things from you more and will learn how to cover her tracks (deleting texts, recorded phone calls, etc.). And I'm letting you know that your paranoia will not go away just because you catch her and she cries and apologizes and says she loves you and only you. She'll be sorry for getting caught, and that's the only thing. Why do you think she's keeping all of this from you and not apologizing right now? Because she's got no one to answer to and she's getting away with everything. Leave her, and DO NOT look back. You'll regret it.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (24 January 2011):
 I have to admit that I do not envy your situation and that you have my empathy.
Like Adam eating the apple in the Garden of Eden, you now have knowledge of something you did not have before which shatters your idealism, and you can't go back.
You have to do deal with this. You cannot forget it or put it aside. When I say cannot I mean that you are now going to be UNABLE to forget it.
You have to first accept the situation as painful as it is: your fiancee was cheating on you (at the very least, emotionally), and there is something wrong in the relationship.
Next, you have to address it. You can snoop around and get more information (spying on her, as Baschick suggests), but I do not think it is necessary, nor do I think you should waste the time. Whether the relationship between her and this guy was consummated or not, it will be one day if this continues, and if not with him, then with another.
The best thing to do is to address it NOW. Tell her what you found. Express your being upset. Hear what she has to say. See if she is contrite or if she is defensive or if she is in denial. If she is willing to discuss it, then find out why, if it was a momentary fling or reflective of larger issues.
Then, finally, evaluate it in your mind. The only way you can move forward is if you trust her. That is the question you need to ask yourself. What will it take for you to trust her again...to the point where you won't look at her phone, and won't feel the need to? Can the problem be fixed and are you willing to work at it?
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, CJH +, writes (24 January 2011):
 She has betrayed you, you seem like a very decent guy who is fair to the point of accepting things he simply shouldnt.
In all honesty, you need cut your losses here. You say yourself that the relationship isnt what it was. I know its hard and you love her but the truth is, shes planning to cheat on you and her feelings have clearly changed.
The relationship is going to end, thats clear. From experience I can tell you that the aftermath will be a hell of a lot easier to deal with if you are the one to finish this. If you dont by the way, you will forever be checking her phone and will also begin to hate yourself for being so weak that you would accept what youve found.
Sorry if thats harsh but, trust me, its the way it is.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (24 January 2011):
I'm sorry, but you sound like you are a little bit in denial. You've essentially discovered your fiance professing her love for another man (how you discovered this information is really irrelevant to the bigger picture) and you don't know what to do? Have you considered the life-altering implications of marrying someone like this? You will constantly be on "red alert" wondering whether your wife is being true. That is no way to live. You will ultimately get worn down to a nub of a man with no self esteem. While your discovery is surely a kick in the head, you are a lucky man having found out your fiance's deception now as opposed to later. I think you know what you need to do. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (24 January 2011):
 I would not tell her what you know. Your best tool is to sit quiet and keep checking every so often. Just because you aren't finding those texts anymore, doesn't mean alot. You don't spend 24 hrs together, so don't be so sure she's not meeting him for a lunch date or "working late" then meeting him for drinks. Unfortunately when you discover stuff like this, it never stops there. Now everytime she says she's working late, you'll be tempted to make sure that's exactly where she's really at. You could surprise her with take-out at the office. Maybe she won't suspect a thing. Good luck.
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