A
female
age
41-50,
*utterflyfly
writes:I've been seeing on and off (cos of lack of time) this guy for 3years. He was and says he is so into me loves me very much; in the past i found 'his love' a bit suffocating. However recently I decided that i will give a good go to a relationship with him. he sounded over the moon as he always wanted me to be his girlfriend. His consistent message has always been he wants me forever and willing to put up with me no matter hat.BUT :-(.I tested him.Sent him texts from an unknown number. HE is willing to meet that 'misterious admirer' from the texts,shows off to 'her', texts 'her' and has cancelled our date in order top meet her. WHat should d I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): well if it isnt obvious enough from the "off & on " part it looks like to himt hat you arent commited eonugh and might be able to just up and leave, and dont mistake his kindness for sadness, just becasue he set up a date doesnt mean his interest for you has become less, it be out of curiousity rather then intimate. Ask him how he feels and where you think your future is together, it is teh only way to know how he feels. if he still plays games and doesnt want to commit 100% then you should leave and find another man that is willing to put up with your lifestyle untill it calms down,
A
female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (14 August 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the question how can i not want to hear your opinion, you were one of the few who were consistently assisting me in this situation with advice so i am grateful for your time taken to give me your views. it's been a journey and i cant complain i couldn't turn anywhere for advice/comfort, even if this is 'just internet'. you guys did your best to point out to me where's north and south from were you're watching and that's invaluable. so thank you again :-).
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 August 2007):
 Now you know for sure, for absolutely sure, that he is a liar and was cheating on you for who knows how long. The good part about your testing him was that it led to exposing it. I think your gut feelings warned you something was the matter.
I'm happy that now you are free of this man.
I'm also honored that you wanted to know my opinion on this matter. Thank you, Butterflyfly.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (12 August 2007):
 Oh dont get me wrong, ive made my mistakes by replying to his txt when we first split & raring up at him when he tried to say sorry for lying, that just riled me even more for some reason! But like i said, it was prob cuz i didnt love him, and ive had good relationships before & know what they are like. Its been a few years since ive had a good relationship. And i look forward to it again in the future.
So it was easier for me, and ive cut up sim cards he had the numbers to & got caller display on the land line now so if he tries ringing i will know its him & ignore it. He hasnt for just over a week now.
Its difficult because i am still angry with myself & him, even after 5 weeks now. Especially as ive lost my brother becuase of it, and me & him used to be close until this guy got his claws into him. But that is another story altogether!
Glad you're staying strong now. All the best.
C xxxx
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (12 August 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhlskitten, what an interesting reply as well, from you. i don't feel lonely in all this mess at all anymore. i'm so glad i bumped into this website, and have quality interractions and discussing issues with others. these liars, heh? what a waste of time.... everybody's time.... you had more presence of spirit than me and cut the wires straight away. i'll probably have the sense to do as you did next time, if such situation will occur again. i hope not.
thanks for telling your bit, all the best.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (12 August 2007):
Should always trust your instincts.
What an interesting read.
I did a similar thing to someone a few yrs ago but was only seeing him 5 weeks & didnt bother going to meet him as the mystery woman, let him know he was dumped beforehand.
But i think the fact the guy lied to you alone would of sent me running from him.
I certainly wouldnt of even thought of getting back with him though. I split from a liar i had been with a year, 5 weeks ago, and wouldnt dream of getting back with him now. I, like you, had that feeling all the time that things werent as they seemed. Came out toilets in clubs & found him chatting to strangers (female) lingering looks at bar maids when he walked past them in front of me, head turning towards them as he walked. But he always called me paranoid. I dumped him because i couldnt fall for him, barrier up wouldnt let me cuz i didnt trust him, thank god i did end it. He was in touch with his ex all along (which he always denied) and other things i accused him of lying about at the time, he admitted to after we split. No idea why, maybe he thought if he came clean it would make me give him another chance, or maybe he wanted me to hate him as much as i do now & never speak to him again as long as i live & that felt safe to him. Who knows. But God knows what hes been up to in the last 5 weeks. I cant even be arsed to think about it. But i doubt its clean.
Once a playa always a playa or liar as far as im concerned, you will never trust them.
C xxxx
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (12 August 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've met this guy for a drink this saturday night with a 'what's gone is gone, let's not look in the past' attitude. he's been extremely reassuring and nice to me and been saying he wants me back etc for the last weeks. I'm really not up for it, i've fallen out with the way he is, but it doesn't bother me to go for a drink with his circle. so i went. then haha... we were in a club, dancing away etc, he tried to fondle me, then i fondled him but straight to his back pocket where his phone was lol.and i took the phone out of his pocket and RAN to the ladies loo.i know im a bit mad but really, i'm not gonna wacth my morals when im with this guy lol. needles to say.. i saw in his phone he has been seeing and still seeing another woman, being very close together.. i went back and gave his phone back to him and i was out of there. i told him the best thing he could have done was to respect me and be upfront , not selling me cookies again. supposedly we were to hook up again as mates, be civil with eachother. but no, he kept on and on that he loves me so much and he's sorry for the past etc etc. JEEEzz... i can't possibly keep him even as a friend now. i dont need people like that around me. Leanna, you were right, i shouldn't even have allowed second time contact with him. WHat do you think about that, Danielepew!! :)i'm baffled and bemused, there are some twisted poeple out there and really nobody should give to someone else more than they get back... and the best thing ever is to trust your gut, because it tells you exaclty whats going on, dont put up with dodgy logic and iffy situations................
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): Well done for staying strong, I hope everything's okay now
xxxxxx
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (25 July 2007):
I'm happy for you. You managed.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (25 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielepew that is a good question you ask and I had to narrow my dilemma down to that. You mentionned the positive side of all this trouble (that this experience revealed things that have to be improved in order for a relationship to be good). Then Leanna practivally told me to wise up and learn from it.. You people are good at giving advice you know!I've chosen a sort of middle way.. I know inside myself that I have dealt with this guy the best I could and to my best interest and eventually I was fine, emotionally (with the help of your posts here!!).Also.. everyone's human, I've done cookies in the past, ok, i haven't really lied to someone to their face. I'm thinking... I don;t exaclly hate him, but to my mind I'm done with him.. There is no harm in keeping a neuttral attitude. Danielepew you mentionned once insecurity issues.. now I feel secure enough to let him be whatever he can and also I'll be whatever want to ')
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): It seems to me that you single-handedly started a whole lot of unnecessary trouble here, I hope you've learnt your lesson.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (20 July 2007):
The civilized peace you mention is worth in itself and I would go for it. After all, you had a love relationship. Sometimes problems like the one you had are good, in a way, because they expose what is not working well, and, with the right mindset, it is possible to improve it.
I wonder if you will agree this is the question you need to ask yourself:
Do I just want to keep the bridges, or would I go back to him if he asked me to?
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (20 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother well, small dilemma hehehow else. I'm getting lazy thinking for myself and I chuck anything at this site for everyone to help me solve..
This guy has called me last nighti n the middle of the night and as i was halfway between sleep and awake i answered the phone not knowing it was him. The moment of weakness went on and we got to talk throug everything that happened. I mean i considered myself broke up with him and yeah, nothing new could happen. he appologised and in the same time said i trapped him. i told my peace too, told him why i was hurt and what i think he did not do properly, bla bla'. the thing is that i hate to burn bridges with anyone and im always striving to have a reasonable relatinship with all i know. i've been having this really bitter taste after all this little 'situation' with him and im glad we said our peace now in a civilised way.
i dontknow what else to make of it.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (16 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust thought I'd update he stopped all the texting and calling for 2 days now. Things ARE movign on :).
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2007): hiim butterflyfly i did meet him i wrote about it on friday here \:).
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female
reader, love-him +, writes (15 July 2007):
 hey bbe,
Just wonderin, what happend with it, did you go and meet him?
Mail me or write back chick x x x
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (14 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah and there's nothign sweeter and lovelier and conforting and interesting and exciting that 2 or more smart women meeitng up for a coffee and chat and having a great time together focusing on themselves rather than men or shall i say themselves first and then the men. i'm not a man hater but am an idiots' hater...
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (14 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn explanation...
why i perhaps went too far. I had to be heard. Say i confronted him earlier, it would have turned on in a messy array of accusations, reasonings from both parts, stuff like 'you did that /no i did not/but you did/no i didnt/yes/no/yes/nooo/yes /yes/yes/no no no etc etc.. i wanted him to register my message, not to have an opportunity to twist it around.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (14 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAndy00 thanks for your reply, yes hell yeah you;re right it was a bit too extreme... but my intention was a definite closure so i am ok with it. i did feel sorry for him the next day. but then i am thinking,he did sweet talk me and embarked o an adventure with a stranger. that was so stupid of him. in that sense, i dont think his humiliation will last long, he's too superficial to care that much. he's probably redressed his image in his friends eyes already, without me there. they are probably telling him'you're better off mate withut a nutcase like that of a woman'. or something along those lines. so his humiliation wont preocuppy myself any longer.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (14 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfor the guy that said these tests are little stupid tests.. they may be, they may be, but how else to get the peace of mind that i have now? a man is suffocating not when he is honest and loves you and makes sure you know that, a man is suffocating when you explain to him you need some space to think and be because of this, this and this, and what he does is to call/text/come to meet you unexpectantly form work with presents and flowers, shows up at the parties you have been invited on your own and tries to persuade you to enjoy the evening and the night with him... then leaves bitter voice messages on your phone the next day on how hurt he was you stood him up and went home with your girlfriends rather than him. even if you did not expect him there. please imagine this thing happening again and again .you're a bit pissed off, aka suffocated, but in the back of your mind you're aware this guy hey may be a bit too intense, but he has only eyes for you.and with time, you warm up to his passion.understanding, respect, love is not suffocating. obsession, not listening, is. and i think it's the sexiest and most attractive thing to know your guy has only eyes for you, not in the least boring. It gives great scope for a girl to help at developing their relationship, she feels safer to, develop that relationship on all levelsfrienship, sex, romance etc. well at least it depends on your self respect, if you think your'e crap then you would find his love for you just as bad. Don't think that was the case in my situation though.and yes, there are some smarter women out there too but probably they're called 'bunny-boilers' because they take the time to register and analyse whats iffy in their relationship. How about the men with mistresses, aren't they dedicating just as much gray matter to keeping all their sweethearts content at all times? Aren't those silly games though?hey I just saved myself some time with this guy. I'm lucky I went on holiday because he is fuming, leaving me angry messages. If I was home I would have called the police but I hope 2 weeks are enough for things to cool off.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): Another point guys beware there are some smart cookies out there that is not going to tolerate this crap so be warned there is anothr level to a woman scorned lol
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): This is the female that printed the text lol I didn't I also kept the text the show his current g/f but she just lets him off(?) it gets me sooo angry that guy can get away with this kinda stuff I know the mature thing to do is walk away but I invested 18yrs with this arce had house kids everthing he wouldn't leave and I was not leaving him my house so we split i moved into a flat the rest is history so in my book you have saved yourself alot of heartche but you cannot live your life like this not all guys are the same there must be some good one's(???)at least you can laugh but it still hurts have a great holiday and don't look back
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): Little stupid tests... You would find him less attractive if you knew he doesn't like other women and that he is so in love that he can suffocate you.
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (13 July 2007):
 Ok, looking at your response, I do see things from your perspective a little clearer. It most certainly isn't nice to be cheated on (even if he is cheating with a fake person), I just thought it was going to pretty extreme lengths just to catch him. It didn't have to go quite to the point of meeting, did it? Honestly? You could have spilled the beans a little faster rather than drag it out and have it lead to humiliation. Although, fair enough, I can understand why you would maybe want to humiliate him.So, to sum it up, I can understand that you wanted to catch him out, I just thought it was a little extreme. In return, I respect you as well, and sympathy with you purely because in situations like these, it isn't easy to know what's the right thing to do.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (13 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAndy, I respect your reply. But the feeling of being cheated on and lied face to face is unbearable, precisely because the cheated one had a good impression and opinion of the other one. You say you would never put yoursefl in this position - to be cheated? Cheating happens when there is an implied/official agreement between two people, and on eof them breaks that agreement without informing the other person. I only had the magiv wand for a while but heh, I'm not sure I want to have it again. Too many mixed emotions, In the same time, it has saved me alot of time. We can question morals all the time and I'm absolutely happy with how it turned out. I would have been just as happy if he ignored the admirer, or told me about the admirer at some stage as he knows all about me), i offered him opportunities, endlessly, or even if he wanted to meet the admirer, kept it a secret from me, but had shown more integrity . The first flirt that comes his way is distracting him and I knew that all the time but I also knew 'how much he loved me'. well then, prove the love! heh.. So I am reliefed my dilemma is settled.
My insecurities consisted of not feeling so secure with him. I never could quite put my finger on it. But i had started to warm up towards him, starting with 2 months ago. And he' s been so positive towards me. Mind you, he's been absolutely positive towards his mystery admirer. Well I probably need to look into myself further.
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (13 July 2007):
I think it was wrong of you to test him, when he supposedly left no doubt in your mind that he wanted to be with you. What happens next? You reveal it was all a lie, he won't believe you tested him like that and you leave eachother feeling angry. That's my prediction anyway.To me, this is your way of getting rid of him. You weren't happy, so you gave yourself a reason to get angry with him and then dump him.I'm not in the situation and would never put myself in that situation, so my opinion probably isn't as valid as those who have "played the game" so to speak.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (13 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLOL that's so funny you printed off th e ltexts just to piss him off lol. wel the meeting happened last night...!! i can;t tell you how sweet it was.. it can;t be encompassed in words. he came there with his best mate. they were waiting. then they saw me coming. My bf was schocked but he managed a huge smile and a long ;heeeey! soo good to see you what a nice sursprise!;. I had 2 printouts of the letter i wanted to give to him. I wrote on them q.e.d. ( latin for 'which was to be demonstrated') hahaha. in the letters there was a transcript of all teh text messages going in the triangle: real me, amy the immaginary girlfriend, and him, in chronological order.also, i underlined the times when he had choices to shift decisions. then at the end some conclusions. then the moral of the story was that he wont get a f___ tonight. lol. anyway back to the events. after he 'hey-ed' me so enthusiastically, i handed him a printout and i told him well basically, i am amy. and 'to not f__ with me cos i outsmart him straight away'. HIs mate was in shock. i told him mate this guy was tryin to 2 -time me but he really's got the wrogn person for that. his mate didnt know what to do.my 'bf 's face went green, then red, then like somebody's hit his head with a rock. then pure rage. we were at a bar and people were seeing everything that was happenign lol. he then tried to grab my arm shouting 'how could you do this to me bi___ch;.His mate and the doorman of the place stopped him. another good bit, this guy fancies himself as a bit of a doorman as well and sometimes he works in weekends as a doorman in some nice clubs in london. and he knoew the doorman of this bar, where we met this evening. the doorman knew me by sight, too . I told the doorman i reckoned i could be a better doorman than my boyfriend, i'm much smarter than him. And this guy let out a laugh! and then i said my bye bye-s he gave me a wink!! hahahahahahaa!! it was the best most exciting thing i have ever done. it felt sweet... the well, ex-bf tried to cal me all the night and texted me, but i wont get into discussions with him at all. he oscilates between
1. i knew it was you and i played you as well.yeah right, play what, how, and why.
2.hey am i not allowed to meet new people ( which was a hole digger, but i guess he can't tell.
3.i like to flirt but i never go further.
after all, only until recently i had a soft spot for him. luckily tomorrow im leaving the country for a 2 weeks holiday so the timing is perfect.
After that i had a soothing chat and drink with my friend.
it's all good now..
thank you all for your opinions and support, you've really helped me toarticulate my confused thoughts and feelings and you;ve been very encouraging!
i feel sad that it had to be like this but i guess the sadness is only because of the lack of attention i had thought i had from a man.
there will be others.. better ones.
thank you, once again
xxx
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (13 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLOL
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): I played this game with my ex who cheated on me & now lives with another poor soul it's went on for months he made some excuse to get rid of his sim card bought another to text and meet up with me he stays the night at mine everything I kept ALL the text he got up during the night and deleted them all thinking he was smart I then left text & voicemessage that I had downloaded and printed them off just to piss him off lol I now know I am well shot & good ridance as I was with this scum for 18yrs
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (12 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontonight is the big night.. the meting happens at 9 pm. it's 5 pm now here.. the real me saw himt he other day, pretending to know nothign and my stomach turned inside out when i was seeing him lieing through his teeth and being as lovable as he could you would have said he hasnt struck gold with a woman before!! nevertheless my friend texted him pretending to be the mystery admirer and he excused himself to the gents to reply to her 4 times. tonght he is expecting a good time.. i will go and tell him not to fuck with me cos i outsmart him straight away... too exiting!
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 July 2007):
All right, Butterflyfly. We don't know when you'll find the right guy, but I hope you do find him. I hope we've helped you.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (10 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielepew, as to my next 'love', i think I will have to do some hard thinking and focus on a different cathegory of men altogether... this one looks and behaves so macho and a 'ladies man' - i personally dont buy all that thats why i had him hangin on for 3 years before i gave him green light ( well, with reservations). I have a feeling ( hinted by some of your replies !) that I was precisely looking for this( proving someone he is wrong, therefore I am right all the time not to take them at face value and believe anythign they say).. Err
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reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (10 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPeterk5699 you're got a schemer's mind too!! I love the third option I justlove it! I did save most of the texts, the most relevant ( as the memory of this phone is almost full with this convesration!! ). I dont think i will take even more time and trouble for a tedious job such as copying all the texts and printing them, I think me revealing myself would be a good enough closure :-). The 3rd options sends me into fits with laughter now THAT would be FUN!!!
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (9 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn answer to the anonimour reader.. Guys you shoud really register to this site so I can put names to your replies! so an answer to her... it is evening here, the misterious girl texted him, he replies promply lookin forward for living life to the full . the girl asked him if he's single, not that would matter. he says 'well, what do you think ?;)'. HOwever, I'm also considering the possibility of him having figured ou tthe game so having my friend tomorrow textin him whilst i am with him would take his doubts away. One of my friends doesnt agree with this game, he says i have better things to do, i should have even tested him. But i know how hard it hurst to not know what hit u when you find out someone's been cheating. and i also know that i only took advantage of the opportunity of having a new phone. I would have never brainstormed this on my own, i just suddenly got htis new phone as a present and.. then i got htis idea... My other 2 very good friends love this , on the other hand. Im starting to have fun too..
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male
reader, Peterk5699 +, writes (9 July 2007):
 You have kinda got yourself into a bit of a trap here. You have 3 choices though: Go there and confront him but that could spell trouble. Your second one is to "Hide" somewhere near and watch him as he waits at the meeting spot and get a chuckle from the look on his face and snap some photos. Your third is to just not turn up at all and the next day text him as the "Mystery admirer" and ask where he was.
IMO the 3rd would be best and if he arranges another date meet him on that one and tell him you know what he's been doing and prove it by showing him all the texts (if you saved them). If you haven't saved them, do so in the future and then type them up on the computer, print them then delete them. Stick the prints into a folder, wrap it up and give it to him as a "breaking up pressie".
Good luck though.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (9 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionANother touch.. just to eliminate any possibility of doubt or insight coming into his mind, i will get my best friend to text him from this unknown number at the same time i'm with him. that would settle it solid 4 him he wont get burnt by pranks..
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (9 July 2007):
I'm with you, Butterflyfly. Only he who has never been through the horrible experience of finding out someone is cheating can disagree with the reason for the testing.
I think you're doing things the right way: you are giving him an option. I see this as, well, he failed, yes, but then he reconsidered. If he doesn't...
Won't you please let me suggest something. You're young and you'll eventually find someone else. Don't do the testing again, unless you find good reason. You know, testing can go wrong, and some good people will get very, very offended by it. Not everyone is a cheater. Give yourself (and your next love) a chance.
We'll be around if you need more help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): Listen - I have tested partners before and sometimes it needs to be done. It may have caused me grief at the time but saved me a longer time of grief if I carried on with the relationship. Ok have you asked him if he is single or seeing someone etc? Perhaps that is something you need to put forward too on these mystery texts to get to the bottom of how he really sees you or feels about you? Dependant on his answer then maybe turn up Thursday and confront him or stand him up. If you do not want to seem devious perhaps tell him a friend of yours said they didnt trust him and you stood by him but they wanted to prove to you what they felt. And that obviously he confirmed their suspicions. Either way I think he needs to know that you found out his game...how you tell him, whether admit it, or say a friend did it blah blah...then that needs to be done. Good luck
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reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (9 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielepew, I am going to be at the date. By my calculations it is the best soothing I can get for my anger. It is the best way I can ge thim to understand what he has done. NO accusations, just saing hi :-) and going soon after :). SInce I had made up my mind to give him a go, you understand I had a very positive image of him and that hurts now. But hell if I won't do this testing again to somebody else. The 'real' me will see him on wednesday morning, for a coffee and a cuddle, as he said. I will be positive and once again subtly suggest how happy i would have been if we could spend the thursday night together. I wont insist on it but i will mention it so it will give him another chance to decide.Kinda pervert of me but I know what I can give and how I can be and i dont give myself to no loser who's not capable to be honest.. I wanna give him the boots in comprehensive 'bullet points' . I won't whine, I do the complaining here hehe... Thank you so much for your replies. I am eagerly checking htis site twice a day now :-)
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (9 July 2007):
Well, with the information you give, it's obvious he was not just curious about knowin who his mistery admirer is. I'm happy to see that you and I are in the same wavelength, but now I want to add something.I'm with you, not in the test itself, but in the reason for it: there was some motive for you to need you had to test him.I understand you asked him to wait for you to be ready and he said yes. Well, maybe he is not that much into you anymore, and that is his reason to accept a date with a mistery girl.The third possibility, but a remote one, is that he knows it's you who's texting and he is playing a game on you, too.I agree with the Anonymous female who says he should have never accepted the date. This is cheating, period.I also agree with Jess, who says you should re-evaluate your situation. I don't think you two would make a good pair.Keep us updated if you think you need to.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (8 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo the meeting is supposed to be this thursday evening. they have planned to have a drink and if all goes well, spend the night together having some fun. open mindedness and fun is their motto. shortly after this, we tried to establish our next meeting time during the next hectic week. we took the days one by one, thankfully i work shifts and i could say i was unavailable all the days apart for thursday evening.. but he suggestede morning coffees or leave it to next week... because he has to stay at work on thursday evening... then i said ok, im dissapointed but nevermind, he could come and sleep at my place even if he finishes work late. usually in the past he jumped at these opportunities.. now he was really tryign to avoid the thursday suggestion..... i was understanding in the end... but I AM BOILING i am so annoyed i feel like shouting to his face 'oy u tellin' me porkies!!!' i'm soooo hurt by the lies.. i hate it when people lie to me.so it looks like i will mail love-him . cos i wanna it to have a big impact but i cant think straight.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (8 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwords can't express how grateful i am for all your replies. i guess you know how it feels not knowing where to reach because of clouding emotions
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (8 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe's also told this other lady he's up for anytign and he likes women who are 'alive'. thakn you very much. after me finally 'giving in' to him in real life. see where i come from?
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (8 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJess ----'This guy clearly cares for you a great deal so i don't understand why you felt you should try to prove him wrong.'. That's exacly what i was trying to do. I've got a kinda masochistic satisfaction out of this. I have had this sort of pain before so maybe i'm only trying to prove my own little points to myself all the time. ooohhh so much food for thought..............but hey.. practical issues now:what the hell i should do witht he date? i like the love-him strategy.. any other ideas? i am pondering between an angry 's_od off ' or some other kind of little game that would place me on top... oh dear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2007): Ok, you made a bit of a mess and it's bad that he's interested in the 'mystery admirer'. I agree with the others, he's probably flattered and curious. How bad his reaction to the texts depends on what 'mystery admirer' said. However another issue that no-one seems to have pointed out is that you don't trust him. So you are insecure and you thought you would test him but if you trusted him you wouldn't need to test him. This guy clearly cares for you a great deal so i don't understand why you felt you should try to prove him wrong. You have two problems, you don't trust him and he could be likely to stray. You need to evaluate your relationship- good points and bad points. If the bad outweighs the good then it looks like the relationship isn't worth the stress. If the good outweighs the bad then stop the contact with mystery person altogether as no good can come of it and focus on your relationship. Hope this helps xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2007): What's wrong with these people? Testing him was a genious thing to do and you should do that to all your mates to see if you can trust them. I've done it. I say show up at the date and dump him right there. It will devastate him and he deserves it, because already he is cheating and placing you in second place just to meet this "mystery admirer". That's plain old cheating. There's no reason in the world for him or for anybody to accept a date if he already has a partner. You should just break up with him and forget about him. There's nothing to look here. There are lots of men ready to make a true commitment with you and make you happy don't settle for this inmature person.
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female
reader, love-him +, writes (8 July 2007):
Hey trust me tht isnt a game u should play honestly.. your stuck now, all u can do is let this mysterious girl stand him up and he wil have to tell u wher he is , and what he is doing instead of ur date?? mail me if u wanna talk x x x x
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (8 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYOu guys are very helpful and I can see the truth in all your replies! It's a soothing feeling to get some understanding!
Danielepew, you are on my wavelenght, this is what I 100% think too. He's just been so so so into me, that finally has got me convinced to try something more out. Perhaps I always knew on the back of my mind that his words were just that, words and that's why I tested him.. ANd the insecurity.. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it.
Leanna, the bit that hurst is that the texts have been kinda explicit.. Me eventually deciding to give up the game, him calling me and texting me back that he is interested but i have to reveal myself soon.. And that he will be the judge of how crazy i am, i just have let him buy me a drink.. I proposed the possibility of ending the night together, he said if we go over 2 drinks thats entirely possible... him saying not to build up my expectation cos he is just a guy (therefore he is preoccupied by how this date goes..)...
yellowdaffodil, you nailed it as well. It perhaps is not fair to him to keep him at a distance yet expect his loyalty.. but my pont is he is bragging on and on about his loyalty.
I am just very angry that he lied to m to my face cancelling our date, it made me feel very stupid.My pride suffered a lot!.... Again, considering how much he says he loves me. My only satisfaction now seems to watch him in the eye and tell him all, then tell him 'sweetheart, you've been selling mud to the gardener . We both know you have, I now can put my finger on it. Good bye. '
GUys, thank you for taking the time to read this. I must be a control freak but hell do you see now that I should be! haha :-)
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female
reader, yellowdaffodil  +, writes (8 July 2007):
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you have tormented yourself with this act. Sure he is curious, who would not be? What would you do if you received at text message from a secret admirer? It's flattering and that's the bottom line. At this point you have two options. You set up the date by text and then see he shows. You could then show up, admit to the mindgame and laugh it off saying you wanted to add a little excitement to the relationship or set up the date and never show up. If no one shows up his ego will be damaged just a tad. You could watch from afar and see his reaction when no one shows up. Either way, take time to reevaluate your true feelings you for him. It sounds like you are not that into him and he senses that but you do not want to share him others either. That is a little unfair. If you told him he suffocated you he has every right to look elsewhere.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (8 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your quick reply! That in itself is helpful enough... But my distrustful mind thinks, he seems up for anything, because the texts have been very implying on both parts... The image that he's always been projecting to me was exactly opposite to this: not up for anything else at all; waiting for me to be ready for our relationship. hasn't got time for other women. the moment I gave him green light was 'the best of his life'. I do understand IT@S ME who started this ugly game, but HE IS playing it...
To my defense( how else!!) again: You know when a bad thing happens the most useless queston is who started it.. I'm sure that if he ever finds out about my game he will only ask that. I feel like I've opened pandora's box. ergh.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (8 July 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your quick reply! That in itself is helpful enough... But my distrustful mind thinks, he seems up for anything, because the texts have been very implying on both parts... The image that he's always been projecting to me was exactly opposite to this: not up for anything else at all; waiting for me to be ready for our relationship. hasn't got time for other women. the moment I gave him green light was 'the best of his life'. I do understand IT@S ME who started this ugly game, but HE IS playing it...
To my defense( how else!!) again: You know when a bad thing happens the most useless queston is who started it.. I'm sure that if he ever finds out about my game he will only ask that. I feel like I've opened pandora's box. ergh.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2007): I don't think you should have tested him, but in this instance it seems to have revealed something something you should know about before you decide to give this relationship a go.
Unless the texts have been explicit in any way then I agree with the person below, he's just curious as to who this person is.
I think the only thing you can do now is to stop texting him from this unknown number altogether. You've got yourself caught in a situation that's difficult to get out of.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (8 July 2007):
I agree that you shouldn't play this games. However, I also think there is a reason for you to. If he constantly says he loves you and you found reason not to believe him, there is a problem here.
I also think he should not go with this game, let alone cancel your date with him.
What I would do is deal with whatever makes you feel insecure. Now you've got some indication that, yes, there might be a problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2007): Why on Earth would you set up a mindgame like this? I have a feeling he's dying just to know who the mystery girl is, and is less interested in actually going out with her. Of course, you'll never know if that's the case now that you've set up this elaborate sting operation with yourself caught in the middle.
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