A
female
age
26-29,
justme..x
writes:I have some thoughts I’d like to share with you guys about the sexual pressure young people are under. I appreciate that I’m only speaking for myself, and most of my points will be drawn from my personal experience, but any opinions and feedback would be more than welcome :) thanks in advance for reading. I apologise for the length, I have strong feelings on this!!First, I’ll address this idea that I’m strongly against: that sex is the climax of a relationship. It’s what all the dating and kisses are leading up to, what it’s all about, what you’re aiming for. For some, it’s actually the point of a relationship, the objective, the most important part. I am sixteen years old, and have been in a happy relationship with my boyfriend (just a few months older) for fourteen months. We have not had sex. But my point is, however non-judgemental, non-pressuring a person you are - when a couple are over the age of consent, when they have a stable relationship, when they’ve been together a while – there is an 'expectation', an assumption if you will. “They’ve been together ages; they must have done it by now.” What is that about?! Where is this unspoken, presumed deadline no one told me about?! What’s the RUSH? I have all my life – probably seventy more years – to have sex. Why, when a couple have been kissing and touching for six months is there this pressure to take things further, a dutiful shift up to 'the next stage'? Who are we aiming to please? Our partner? Or our peers, fitting in with the expectations of today?The next few paragraphs are very much from personal experience and may not apply in general, but I’d like to share them anyway. I’m in year eleven at a typical British secondary school. There are quite a few couples at school; me and my boyfriend don’t particularly stand out. However we have been together longer than most. Recently we’ve had an issue with a group of boys in our year group shouting vulgar things. It started off with one boy leering every once in a while “have you two had sex/shagged yet?” But things escalated and a whole group got involved. The jeers got disgusting and aggressive; a huge group followed my boyfriend shouting and gesturing. It was basically sexual harassment. Of course we got the situation dealt with and it’s not relevant any more anyway as I’ve left school for study leave now, but is that not so awful? Yes, those boys are immature, perhaps they’re sexually frustrated and jealous. But that is shocking. The peer pressure is ridiculous. And what would have been the best answer? What would please the peers? If we’d had sex then we’d be ridiculed and labelled as slags or whatever, and this is what happens without. You can’t win. They yelled “have you fingered her?” – have you done this to her, have you done that to her. I have never felt like such an object before. Besides the intimidation/bullying aspect, asking someone about their private life like that is (in my opinion :D) so wrong. Which takes me nicely onto my next point :D'Private life' should be just that – PRIVATE. I will never understand people who go around telling others what they’ve done with their partners. It’s degrading and disrespectful to their partner, and it makes them sound so arrogant. I have a really strong trust agreement with my boyfriend about this. It’s one of the worst things he could do to me, go around telling his friends about our private life. I’d dump him if he did, genuinely. I haven’t told anyone anything about how far we’ve gone – I think it’s between the couple involved, completely. I can’t stand people who casually ask “how far have you and ___ gone?”, friends or not. Blabbing about your partner’s body/sexual tendencies is even worse. Cosy girly gossips over coffee are all very well, but I still totally disagree with describing your sex life. Besides the vile group of boys, I’ve been feeling pressurised to lose my virginity by others too. The first 'other' is other couples around school, who are notoriously sleeping together. As I’m sure you all understand, year groups at secondary schools unofficially split themselves into 'ranks', there’s a definite pecking order. At the top are the 'popular' ones, the hard nuts, the girls with inches of foundation – and at the bottom are 'nerds' and people with learning difficulties. Anyway, the people at the top of the tree have a bigger reputation for being more sexually active. I guess just because it fits in with the type of teenagers they are; they go to parties and get smashed and dress sluttily. But at my school, couples way down the pecking order are sexually active too. It’s a lot more surprising and pressuring when you hear about people you wouldn’t expect. Many of my FRIENDS have lost their virginity and think nothing of it. We’re all fifteen, sixteen. God. There’s a couple who I’m sort of loosely friends with who have also been together a while. They are known for being very 'saucy', haha, even though they’re not in the 'cool' group at all. The boy brought lube and vibrators into school; pressing his new toy up against people to get a reaction. His girlfriend got him a new sex toy for them for his birthday. It all scares and bewilders me so much. Again, what’s the RUSH?! Argh. There’s another couple (way down at the bottom of the tree) who I’m again kind of friends with, who are ENGAGED for goodness’ sake. They’ve only been going out a few months. They slept together on her bedroom FLOOR, and then had to clean the carpet. Classy. Where has the value of virginity gone? Why is it okay to throw it away to the first guy who comes along, whenever?The other pressure – not intentional, bless her – is actually from my boyfriend’s mum. She’s very hard to put into words. She’s a rock chic who acts younger than her years; she’s very blunt and larger than life with a strange sense of humour. I’m a bit scared of her still haha. She is a single mum, but she’s seeing someone now; they met online and slept together on the first date. She’s pretty open about that. So I guess my boyfriend has that for an example. Anyway, I’m coming to my point – on my sixteenth birthday a little while ago, she gave my boyfriend 'the sex talk'. I assumed it would be the typical chat along the lines of “use protection, be aware of bla bla, only when you’re ready ... etc”. But how wrong I was! It was more genuine advice; actual practical tips for the event itself! “put a towel under her” “she shouldn’t hurt too much if you’ve been fiddling around for a while” etc! :O I freaked out. She is obviously expecting us to sleep together, almost encouraging it. It made me hysterically wonder that if we did, she’d ask how it went! She made it sound like it was imminent. It’s also quite sad she felt it was necessary to do on the day itself, don’t you think?What is this whole abstract idea about 'being ready'? It seems to be rapidly down the drain within my year. People just do it, almost because they can – because IT’S WHAT YOU DO. It is the natural and expected thing. The whole importance and specialness of it isn’t really appreciated. There are so many strong assumptions that I have had/will be having sex that I’ve lost my sense of how ready I am. It’s been swept off by all the outside pressure. I’m losing the sense of my morals and opinions. I love my boyfriend, and he loves me. But when younger, I never thought I’d be the type to lose my virginity at sixteen. Then again, what IS that 'type'? Is it so wrong? Or should I go with what I always used to think - before I fell in love - that I should wait until I’m older, for when I’m with my probable life-long partner?Then of course there’s our old friend the media. Look in the 'modern fiction' section of the local library and I guarantee you so many books will have intimate sex descriptions in them, or they’ll just be completely centred around sexual relationships. That is what people want to read. The page three girls, the pornography market, the cosmetic industry. All these adverts for clothes and make up and even other products scream SEXY. The films and magazines. It’s a sex obsessed world, and the pressure is almost unbearable.
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engaged, fell in love, immature, jealous, kissing, met online, porn, sex life, sex toy, sexually frustrated, vibrator Reply to this Article
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male
reader, Mark_25_ +, writes (17 June 2011):
 You really are an amzing person! I've never heard someone your age speak so maturely and have such strong (not to mention correct) morals. It is so nice to hear someone your age refusing to go with what everyone else thinks is right. I'm exactly the same, I won't conform to what everyone else thinks you should be doing. It drives me mad. I think the bottom line is that everyone in secondary has an obsession with trying to be mature and growing up. Nobody actually enjoys being a teenager anymore and they just want to grow up, unfortunately, everyone thinks that the best way of doing that is getting into a "relationship" and having sex. Everyone is so worried about what other people will think. I think it's pretty horrible the idea of 13 and 14 year olds having sex because they think it's cool.Never stop believing in your opinions, the way you are you have far more respect from people that actually matter, and I have a massive amount of respect for you from what you've written on here.
A
female
reader, zebralove  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 You have strong values and opinions witch are yours and you must repect them. However you can't juge the people around you for having sex. Sex is natural and everyone is diffrent. You don't want to have sex a sixteen, good. Don't do it. But the other girl next to you who lost her virginity at 15, is she a monster? Sex doesn't change the persone you are inside. I mean yes teens don't realy know what they are doing and why, I mean I lost my virginity at 15 and I don't regret it. And to tell you the truth it wasn't even that special, I mean I loved the guy and he loved me also and that relationship lasted for about a year.
You don't want to talk about your personal life, then don't. Others might be more open then you, it may not bother them to talk about what they do or did. I mean its not like if you need to talk about it just because they are right?
The kids at school are just imature and probably jalouse of what you and your bf have. No need to pay attention to what they are saying.
Teen girls thing life is a chick flick, they think that there bf loves them as much as they say they do and give them all they have plus sex thinking they will be together for ever. Alot of people in this worl will need to learn life lesson be experience and mistakes. Don't juge one another by the mistakes you've made. Learn from them. Live and let live.
One day you will see that sex can and will be beautifull and special. But take all the time that is needed to be confortable with this aspect of your life.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 June 2011):
 Well first of all let me say good for you for having such strong opinions and values, it is really refreshing to hear!
At the end of the day, regardless of the rest of the world and what they are saying - only you matter, and you only have yourself to answer to. There are no 'types', there are no assumptions, there are no expectations....that is just a load of mixed messages from a variety of sources who all have different views and beliefs. So all you can do, when it comes down to it, is decide what is right for you and believe in that 100%.
But equally, dont look down on the people who do have sex and think that they are somehow below you. Admittedly, some teens do just have sex so they can be cool, or because their friends are doing it so they think they might as well. But these are the people that will live to regret it, and there is nothing worse than living life with regrets.
However I would like to present myself as an example for you to think about. I am now aged 24, and I lost my virginity when I was 15 and a half, to my first love and first real long term boyfriend. We had been together around 7 months, we were incredibly in love and we totally trusted each other. If you were to ask me what made me choose to have sex at that age and that time, it was nothing to do with age, or what my friends were doing, in fact it had nothing to do with anyone but myself and my boyfriend. We were just so in love I guess and so completely absorbed by each other that it felt right to have sex because it was a new connection, a new level for the relationship. It wasnt about the physical satisfaction as such, more the connection that we wanted. It is the ultimate level of intimacy, and we wanted that - and that is exactly what it brought us. I can remember my first time clearly and I know I have never felt closer to anyone in my entire life, it was a very special moment.
Was it wrong to have sex before 16? Well legally yes, and my parents definitely were not pleased. But do I regret it? Not at all, and I never will. I stand by my decision 8 years on and I know I will stand by it in another 18 years - it was the right thing to do for me and my boyfriend.
But that is my whole point - it has to be right for you, your partner and your relationship. If you are very happy as you are and dont feel ready to take it to the next level, then that is prefectly fine and you shouldnt feel stressed by remaining true to yourself, you should simply feel proud knowing you are doing the right thing.
I will often (on this site) tell teenagers under the age of 18 to wait for sex, purely because the majority are undecided about sex, dont really know how it works, dont know if they feel ready, only want to do it because their boyfriend is not a virgin....etc. However if you presented me with a 15 year old who had gone and sorted out birth control, had condoms ready, had been with her boyfriend more than 6 months, loved him and they had a good relationship - then aside from pointing out the legal issues I would struggle to tell her it was wrong to have sex.
There is no right and wrong with sex, it is ultimately up to the individual and how they feel. It is just as bad for someone like you who does not feel ready to have sex to judge the people who are having sex, as it is for those people who are having sex to judge you for not doing it. At the end of the day if we simply stopped judging each other and stopped worrying about what other people think, we would all be a heck of a lot happier!
I think that is how I have always got by in life, even through teenage years when there is a lot of stress and pressure - I simply dont care what other people think of me, and I am incredibly good at focusing on positive things rather than people who can only offer negativity. I was bullied for years when I was a teenager and it taught me to simply ignore all the stupidity in the world, block it out and channel your energies onto something better than the idiots who try and bring you down.
You sound like a wonderful girl with her head screwed on, it is so nice to see a 16 year old who is sensible and can see the world for what it truly is, rather than simply caving in to peer pressure, the media and other social pressures simply because they are too scared to think outside the box.
Dont allow these pressures to get to you too much, know that you can rise above it and you will be a bigger and better person for doing so. I'm sure you have a fantastic future ahead of you, so just keep doing what you are doing, stick to your principles and never let any outside influences bother you - we are born alone and die alone, and when it comes to the end you only have to answer to yourself. If you can look back aged 80 and feel happy with everything you did, that is a pretty good life you have had.
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A
female
reader, Mickkiee +, writes (1 June 2011):
 Exactly! I know exactly where your coming from. i am in a relationship with my boyfriend of 5 months and from the outset we said we would be open and disscuss worries or concerns with one another. We both expressed that sex was just not on either one of our agendas and therefore decided to wait until we have been in a relationship for at least a year before even CONTIMPLATING sex. The thing is i know people young teenage girls that go out find a man go home with him are back out the next night wth another man and to me its not right. I mean is sex not the final blossoming before autumn comes is it not what has been buildng up. Too many young people today are being involeved with our teen sex culture and don't realise that once you give it up you can never get it back. I am in no means a prude but to walk around today to a nearby butchers and find a young girl sitting straddled on an older man lying on the grass his hands all over her was slightly inappropriate but for that young girl to feel pressured into allowing this in broad daylight is not right. Whitney Houston said, "they can't take away my dignity" think of sex as something that they cant take away from you and it takes two to tango. So many young people see the glory of Ann Summers and feel they too have to be like the maniquinns in the window i can assure you you do not. Never let someone make you feel that you have to ever do something or pressurise you into having somethng your not reasy for.
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