A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:if a man is charming does it always have to mean that they are trying to schmooze? my new guy is rather over the top charming towards me, i have told him it makes me uneasy and he said he flatters me coz he wants me to like him. he is not a silly man, he is 50 years old, very successful business man, divorced for 4 years and has grown up children.i am cynical because of men that i have been with in the past. charmingness seems to indicate one of 2 things: sweet person or sociopath.has any one had experiences like this? i feel like i have lost my faith in people at the moment
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi just an update. my 'wonderful' boyfriend dumped me out of the blue 3 weeks ago. after promising me ALL SORTS and telling me he had never felt this way before and blah blah blah. the excuse he gave is that i could not see him as much as he wanted because my son's dad does not have him overnight apart from once a month. oh, and he decided this the morning after he had been out with his mates.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your answers. i had a bad experience very recently in the past, i know i probably should have given myself more time to get over it, as maybe it has made my judgement a bit poor and i am finding a problem where none exists, maybe. i like to be charming and nice to people myself, but this is just the way i am and i like to make people feel better, this is not because i want to get anything from them, i just believe 'it's nice to be nice!' - hopefully this is the reason he has for his behaviour and nice comments too :) been reading a book about sociopaths in the last few weeks (after the last relationship). it seems to have gotten me a bit paranoid about them!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): It sounds like you have issues and fears of being around this kind of person which might be leading you to mistake reality with your own insecurities.
I always say you should go with your gut. But how much of what your feeling is a true intuition about him and how much of it is fear and insecurity within you? That is what you have to figure out.
And no not all charming men are sociopaths. But if you are trying to gauge whether he is a sociopath based on his charm alone, that is not enough evidence. Generally sociopaths show alot more clues/symptoms than just glib charm.
A true sociopath would have taken your comment about how you find his charm to be "over the top" as a major insult. Sociopaths are very narcissistic and don't take criticism well. His reaction is your very first clue that he probably isn't a sociopath. He probably, in fact, just is very charming and he probably is telling you the truth that he just is trying to impress you. Businessmen naturally can be very suave and charming that is why they are in the business they are in.
If you really want to test the theory just for extra reassurance, try criticizing him here and there, even jokingly, in a "nice" way. See how he reacts. If he can't take a joke or can't take criticism (as in he finds it audacious that you would dare criticize him) then perhaps you are dealing with a sociopath. But if he reacts to criticism in a harmless way as he did with your comment about his charm, then he probably is not.
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reader, shawncaff  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 Denise32 is right: charming does not necessarily mean a sociopath. The sociopathic personality does not see you as a person, but as an object, and thus charms you in order to manipulate you.
Your choices are also limited. Being charming can mean more than just sweet person or sociopath. He might be insecure, wanting you to like him; he might be superficial; he might be arrogant, etc. And none of these means he is a sociopath either.
The real thing to watch out for in a charming person to determine if he or she is a sociopath is whether:
--he or she is charming to everyone
--he is charming one moment but another time he is degrading or insulting
--the person's charm is followed quickly by an attempt to get something (money, sex, attention, etc.)
So move ahead...but keep your eyes open!
Best wishes.
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reader, Aunty Honest +, writes (23 March 2011):
 I'd have to agree that charming doesn't always mean sociopath. That might be his way and it might be totally harmless. However, if you are getting a bad vibe from the guy listen to your instincts-if you feel uncomfortable with him then don't pursue it. You don't sound like you're that smitten anyway!
Hope that helps and good luck!
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (23 March 2011):
 I'm not sure about Great Britain, but in the U.S.A. it is fairly easy to check with local and/or national authorities to find out if someone is of questionable or dangerous reputation.
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reader, TashaLovesPeople +, writes (23 March 2011):
 I may be young, but I think this could help you: I participated in a session with a specialized group recently about finding strengths and weaknesses. One of the things they discussed was the general "personality." There was a section named "S" referring to the person's social attitude. Some people, young or old, are social and outgoing, and sweet. They flatter, compliment, joke, smile, and sometimes leave the other person wondering, "What do you want from me? Why are you being so nice?" It happens between people of different attitudes. You may be a more laid back, dominant person while he is more "melt-in-your-arms" and smiley. It doesn't mean he is a sociopath!
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reader, Heisenberg +, writes (23 March 2011):
It's perfectly natural to want to win someone you enjoy over with a little charm. Sometimes to an excess, even, if you really like them. I'd take it as a compliment, if anything. Give him a chance to either prove or disprove your fears. It shouldn't take very long to know, either way.
Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): HiSorry to shock you....but gentlemen do still live on this planet, and some do treat a ladies well. I think you are reading too much into LABELS....sociopath. It's quite simple: a Gentleman will only have good things come out of his mouth. And a loser will say and do bad things.All he does is say charming things....would you rather have insults?Don't lose faith in men, just because of bad experiences...these Pre-experiences should help you KNOW the good from the bad. Be sure you don't throw away a charming man and unfairly label him, without any really solid reason.Good Luck :) I love men but i have also met a few xxxx in the past....they don't spoil my fun or make me grow cold and afraid to be hurt....and they don't jade my vision....stick a plaster on, and start again!!!!!!!
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reader, Denise32 +, writes (23 March 2011):
 No, if he's charming, it doesn't necessarily mean he's a sociopath.
You'd need to see more "clues" in his behavior to determine that. For instance, does he tend to be controlling; always trying to keep tabs on where you go, who you see when not in his company? Does he lose his temper or go overboard over relatively small things? (We all get annoyed at things that happen sometimes, but I have in mind an over-the-top reaction). Is he callous or unkind to small animals?
These are just some of the danger signals I can think of. I'm sure there are others, and I expect other aunts and uncles on the site can speak more to your question......
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