A
female
age
41-50,
*laraw1
writes:Hi Guys I have a situation which isn't about a relationship, it's more a family situation and I was just hoping you guys might be able to help me. My brother just turned 50 years old, and his wife put on a surprise birthday party for him, and she didn't invite our mother at all, in fact she told her there was going to be no party at all. Our Mum is extremely hurt, I wasn't invited either, but I don't care about that, I do care about someone hurting my Mum like this though. Especially when they had organised my cousin to come from interstate to attend the party. I am not sure how to help my Mum with this situation as she has asked me for advice. My instincts tell me to confront this woman who has been married to my brother for over 30 years and has been treated like a daughter by my Mum, they have always gotten along so great, so I don't understand her or my other siblings who knew about the party and happily kept it from Mum. Personally I have no respect for this woman anymore (yet I loved her as a sister as she has always been the closest I have ever had to having a sister), I have no respect for anyone who can treat their husband's mother in this way, it's selfish, cruel and very immature. So what can I tell my Mum as to how to handle this? Thankyou for your help, I really appreciate it.
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female
reader, Claraw1 +, writes (8 February 2012):
Claraw1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to all. Youwish, your right, I didn;t know about the comments until my SIL told me about them herself in front of her husband, he didn't know about them either until that point, so we couldn't react to that. As soon as she said that, my brother asked me to let him deal with it, and then he started arguing with her. He made my nephews parents aware of the comments and she is no longer allowed near the child. if I had known about the comments at the time she said them, I certainly wouldn't have cared about Mum not being invited to the party, and would have just told her we were better off. I am furious, but there are already her husband and my nephews parents dealing with the situation with her, and I have been asked to step aside, so I have.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Wow, You SIL sounds like a can of crazy! Don't feel bad you weren't invited and your mom too, I'd actually rather not be around someone like you SIL. No matter how rowdy/wild a 5 year old is, no one should utter those kind of words, it's a child!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 February 2012):
 BACK UP!!!!!!
Your SIL told your mother that she WISHES her 5 year old nephew were DEAD?! She was serious about wanting this kid to die???
And your main issue is a birthday party?!? Why isn't the issue your SIL's horrendous and really terrifying statements??
There are toddlers, babies, and little kids going missing and being killed by relatives that are making massive news, and you didn't take her seriously?!?
Umm, I'd say FORGET the birthday party and call the police or a mental hospital. Is no one thinking of this poor 5 year old's protection???
What the bloody hell is resolved about a death threat to s child?!?!?
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Sister in law is a strange lady, to want to punish old ladies.... anyway, you've dealt with it in the correct way. Nothing has been hidden and you've made her aware that you know what she did.It's now your brothers problem to deal with. Comfort mum and make her feel extra special at this difficult moment.Sorry, got your sex mixed up before, your a daughter not a son, but your still your mum's defender... that's as it should be.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1 +, writes (8 February 2012):
Claraw1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have found out the reason from my SIL and my brother, she had come to visit my Mum a few weeks before, and whilst chatting to her, my SIL started talking about our 5 year old nephew (son of one of our other brother;s) and told my Mum that she wished he was dead and in fact would like it if he died. My Mum said to her "that's my grandson your talking about and I would appreciate if you would keep comments like that to yourself in future, or simply don't talk me about him if your going to say things like that" (My SIL quoted these words from Mum). My SIL felt that my Mum was in the wrong because in her words "How dare she say that to me!" So didn't invite her to the party because she thought Mum was in the wrong and the only reason I wasn't invited was because I care for Mum full-time and she didn't want me to have to be in an awkward position. I let her know that I appreciate she didn;t want to put me in awkward position, and that I was in one anyway, and that as far as I am concerned it's resolved. My brother is dealing with the rest of it.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1 +, writes (6 February 2012):
Claraw1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all, I appreciate all your help. I have no intention of letting this come between my SIL and I. My brother called this morning because he was hurt that we were not there. I took your advice and told him simply that we didn;t know the party was on and that if we had known we would have been there if we were asked. He is not very happy. I don't hate my SIL, I love her but I don't like how she disrespected my Mum and then lied to make out that Mum and I didn't want to be there is all. My brother then spoke to my Mum, who told him that she was hurt she was not even told about it. I get it's "her house-her rules", but the party was for my brother, not for her, and for her to invite her mother (who is older than our mother) but not his is wrong, and my brother isn't happy about that either. I was more hurt and disappointed by her actions, because she has always been close to my entire family especially Mum, I just didn't think she would be like that with her. I am not going to hold it against her, I don't hold grudges, I deal with them and move on and that is what I will do with this. Once again thankyou.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 February 2012):
Talk to the brother.. again, not in an angry way, but to inform him that his mother is hurt and devastated. She held him in her belly for 9months, she fed him and watered him until he was old enough to leave home. She could have aborted him, he owes her his life and a little respect for the fact that his birthday is her pain day.
He doesn't know what is going on, I suggest you inform him about the hurt to mum. Hopefully he will deal with his wife.
If your mother is elderly or sick, maybe the wife didn't want her there, and that is understandable, sick, old people and little children can take up all the attention. But that doesn't excuse the lying or rejection. No reason why shouldn't put on a small tea party for old, sick and kids and then do a big adult party later. No reason why she couldn't phone mum and tell her the problem and ask if she mind celebrating her son's birthday another time.
My culture has a great respect for the elderly. Half the time you invite them and they are sensitive enough to know they are not wanted and decline... but you never ignore them and try to hide them away. You have respect and sensitivity for their feelings.... one day you'll be old and your encouraging your kids to treat you in the same way.
Unfortunately it will be difficult to forget the wife's behaviour, she's probably damaged you family for ever and destroy your mother's relationship with her son. I can see your mother contacting her lawyer and making amendments to her will.
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (6 February 2012):
 I think your mom should ask the wife directly! You can ask her why YOU were not invited but it makes sense for them 2 to talk. That way ...its less like you picking a fight or jumping to the defence of your mom. It seems you have already made up your mind that she is a bad person not to have invited you and your mom... talk to her... she could have her reasons. If she was like a sister to you as you say...it won't be tough to talk to her and also ...one incident is not worth wiping out 30 years of history!!! Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 February 2012):
Maybe invite your brother out for a dinner with just YOU and your mom? To celebrate his birthday?
I still say you SIL was in the wrong for lying to your mom.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 February 2012):
For me it would be simple. I'd call the brother and calmly ask why we were not invited and why when asked where we were, his wife told guests we had "decided not to attend" while in fact we didn't even know it was taking place. Tell him you don't intend to start a fight or get angry because that would be a petty thing to do, but that you were disappointed to learn of this and wonder what happened. Communication is key here. If you're afraid of lies, do this face-to-face.
Sure, you could let it slide like CindyCares suggested, and she has a point when it comes to "her house - her rules" but I think that that will not make the issue go away. In fact, I think it will keep brewing under the surface and cause problems in the long run. Talk it out now rather than later. It could all be some big misunderstanding. It could be her way of sending a message. etc. You won't know unless you ask.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 February 2012):
 I would not interfere. Her house, her rules- her guest list.
Besides, your brother is not a kid but a grown up man and he does not need a paladin of justice to felp him defend his mom's rightss if he thinks they have been infringed. He must have surely noticed that his mom wasn't there ,so either he was perfectly fine with that, or if he wasn't he could/ can ask an explanation to his wife.
As for helping your mother overcoming her hurt, the best way is not fanning the flames and not turning a minor faux pas into a major family drama. If she brings it up, just shrug it off and say " I guess it was for 50 somethings only " or " Oh people are strange some times " or some other non committal platitude, and change rapidly subject. Life is too short and precious - particularly at your mother's age ! - to let it be poisoned by stuff like that.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1 +, writes (6 February 2012):
Claraw1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses, since I posted I spoke to my cousin who was invited and attended, it was a family party, the rest of the siblings and various family members attended, My sister-in-laws family attended. When asked why Mum and I were not there, my sister-in-law said that we had decided not to attend. My cousin thought it was strange, and asked me why we weren't at the party, firstly I asked what party and she said S's 50th, and I didn't know he was having one, we were told he wasn't getting one. 'pparently I wasn't invited because I would have told Mum about the party, and as Mum's full-time carer her emotional well being is very much my business as my job is taking care of her. My sister-in-law told my Mum that she was not having a party for him, looking her straight in the eye. If she had said well yes but I thought for whatever reason he could have done something with you later, that's fine, but lieing to her is what hurt her. My brother didn;t know about the party at all, it was a surprise, which is why I am upset with his wife, I just want to give my Mum good advice on how to deal with it.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 February 2012):
Such things happen time to time in my family and create great drama and noise. An uncle died and his wife and my aunt (sisters) had a fight, and later my aunt didn't get an invitation to their daughters wedding. Every other member of the family were invited. So most of us refused to go. A fight is one thing, banning you from a wedding is another.I have a cousin who has a birthday party every summer. Lately she's not invited my mother, but keeps inviting me and the rest of the younger family. Her father and another of my aunts are invited, so it's not an age thing. Again, nobody goes, we're a family, nobody should be left out. She is rude and has bad manners and because of her behaviour the family think little of her.Doesn't matter if it's a young people's affair. It's her son, it's his birthday. Either he has a birthday party for friends only or he invites everybody. The wife could explain that it's really not suitable for the elderly. But the mum can come and leave early. Again that's what my family do to stop any arguments.It's your mother too, of course your upset. As I said this cause hurt feelings and arguments. After the wedding thing, my family were arguing and divided for about 5years.I would talk to the cousin and any other family members that went to the party and try to find out why they were invited but not me and my mother. Who knows maybe there is some type of misunderstanding or we've done the wife something wrong and we make her feel uncomfortable. I would also talk to the husband. Not in an angry way, but in a fact finding way. Finally I would talk to the wife and if she didn't come up with a proper explanation, then I would give her hell.In my family, the correct response would never to talk to the woman again and cut her off complete. You need to depend on family, there are certain levels of respect that have to be shown especially to our parents. That's the way it is in my culture. This would be seen as a disgusting thing to do and would not easily be forgiven.As a son you are expected to sort this out for your mother (if father can't do it) and find out what went wrong. It very much is your business as far as I'm concerned.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): I read this post, and got an opinion, and then before posting I read the other responses. Sounds like were all in agreeance here.What came to mind for me was my wedding. Where I had to accomodate everyone and their brother at my expense. People Id never heard of, never met, or hadnt seen in over 15 years were expecting an invite. I remember getting to the point of ... whos party is this ? Because it was turning out not to be what I wanted.Your brother is a big boy now, and he can make his own decisions. Did he maybe not want his mother there, was this a friends or co worker party only. You havent given many details except that really it has nothing to do with you. Not your birthday, not your marriage, not sure why youre getting so involved, and further more, why you would go out of your way to start a family fued that has nothing to do with you. If your mom is upset, let her go talk to your brother, or better yet, let mom call him up for a bday dinner out.I would stay out of this as it has nothing at all to do with you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 February 2012):
I too wonder what kind of surprise party it was. If other relatives were invited, and it was a "family" function where the mom was intentionally slighted while other relatives were invited, then I agree, it was a completely nasty thing to do, and you have every right to every negative feeling you're feeling.
However, she didn't invite you or I'm thinking other relatives, and it's a party between friends and buddies? Does the cousin have a familiar relationship as friends? If it was that kind of party, I can see where that party was more between peers and not a family affair, and relatives weren't invited. But there would have been no need to lie.
The big thing is that she lied to your mom and said "There's no party" as well as inviting the cousin from out of town. She didn't have to lie. She could have said that it was more of a party between buddies. However, her lie is the most damning thing about this story, and she deserves to be called on the carpet for it, foremost by her husband. That's just crappy treatment, for which there's no excuse. She could have had a surprise party where she chose to only have peers or buddies, but she should have been honest about it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 February 2012):
 if it was a Saturday night kind of thing perhaps it was just their friends???
I know that it when my mother planned a big birthday party for my father (not sure I think it was 40) she invited a houseful of people... not a parent or sibling in sight...
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Unsparing +, writes (6 February 2012):
"I have no respect for anyone who can treat their husband's mother in this way, it's selfish, cruel and very immature. So what can I tell my Mum as to how to handle this?"
Tell your mother you have no respect for anyone who can treat their husband's mother in this way, it's selfish, cruel and very immature, and tell her you will be informing sister-in-law face-to-face directly and loudly
you have no respect for anyone who can treat their husband's mother in this way, it's selfish, cruel and very immature.
Honest to God, what a cruel petty miserable [word that begins with "b" and rhymes with see-aw-itch that some mods let by and others don't]. Only consolation is her hubby and in-laws will never forgive her, fallout will last longer than she can ever imagine, in short time sis-in-law will regret the misery she brought upon herself more than anyone, albeit for characteristic selfish reasons.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 February 2012):
Honestly, I would talk to her face to face, that way 1. she can't avoid you and 2. it would be harder for her to lie.
I think that was really not a nice thing of her to do.
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