A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend makes me feel so unhappy with myself. With his comments. I feel so low and have low self esteem and wonder who will want me if we spilt as I'm the kind of person who needs to feel loved and secure. But I'm not with him and it's an emotional rollercoaster! He says things like if we're in bed - have you put on weight? I can tell when you do but you still look good! Also if he goes out he will say that girls come up to him all the time but he turns them down. He likes to be friends with all his ex's! Why? He never tells his mates about what we're doing etc! He has parties at his house and I'm not allowed to go. He goes to weddings without me. And then he will make a remark about how he helped the bridemaids to their rooms! He mentions also how his ex begs him back all the time! Before I met him he was a womaniser and had slept with over 70 people. It's like he's is so cocky and just loves himself and would go up to anyone and make them laugh. Women on a night out flock round him cos he just knows what to say! What if they get the wrong impression? He says I don't mean to do that, I just like having a laugh. I feel he doesn't have respect for me. We never discuss anything. It's like if I wanna do something I have to pre book in advance in case his mates have something on as well. This isn't what relationships are meant to be like is it? Him stopping at mine 3-4 times a week. I make his tea, run his bath, make breakfast in bed. And I feel I get nothing apart from hurtful jokes! He's 30 for god sake. What should I do? All I do is think bout what he's doing all the time it's making me ill!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Its emotional abuse - fact is if he just slightly eats away at your self esteem and keeps you 'low' he keeps you willing to put up with him and his ways because you won't have any confidence left - he's controlling you. He has the 'safe bet' doing his laundry and cooking nice meals (replacement mother figure) while he has all the fun. Next time you have sex say to him "Have you shrunk a little bit down there? It doesn't matter of course I just notice it feels different." See how he likes that one! On a serious note though.... you know its wrong and what he is doing hurts but the fact is you cannot justify his actions or even think of a reason why he does it. You are nice to him and he is not nice back. This is what is messing with your head. You have to accept he is not a nice person and you are - and the relationship is extremely unhealthy. You need to focus on yourself as you are spending all your energy on him. You are totally available to him and he picks and choses what you attend. Reduce the number of days he stays over and invite a girl friend or go over to see a girl friends for a girls night in. Find a new hobbie/interest/ course one night a week - on a day he would normally come round. Tell him you will have re-think the best times to see him. Do this to build your own confidence and sense of self - it will help you make the right decision about him once and for all. The way you feel right now you are emotionally stuck and ground down.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Thing is when i say anything he just says im only joking! It hurts. Then the next minute i go quiet because im hurt and thinking bout it. He says what wrong? God cant u take a joke. Its like i have to ask all the time can we do this go out etc. But he says im not sure whats happening at the wkend! If we do something he says things like my mates r doing this and look i chose to spend time with you. Which makes me feel guilty. This has gone on 4 two years! He can be so nice and loving at times and thats why i cling to him hes a total charmer. But when im not around i sure hes charmer others too. But he says dont be silly i only have eyes 4 you! And im the best thing ever id never cheat on u. When ive been single ive been a naughty boy but no when i with someone! He seems to be nice to his ex one min horrible and they hate enough the next. They have a child together. But she wants him back. He says she nos theres no chance but shes still there. The other wk when he was drunk and she was on a night out she asked him 4 a threesome with her mate! I said what did u say. He said yeah.no course i didnt shes loopy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Show this abusive playa the door!! As long as you are with him he will use and abuse you - dont fool yourself into thinking that he has feelings for you - he doesnt. He is the most important thing in his life and his pleasures come first. If you are content to put up with this then so be it, but if this is not to your liking get him out of your life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 April 2009):
 No wonder you feel so low, he's made you into his doormat, and you allowed it to happen. He's a player and you are just going to be repeatedly hurt by this jerk. You need to show him the door, my dear. He isn't going to change, he'll just string you along as long as he can. Don't let him.
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (3 April 2009):
 That's sick. He has parties that his GF aren't allowed to attend. If these are just like guy parties.. like a boy's night out then that's one thing.. but if he's having parties with everyone invited and you're not then it looks like he's trying to hide some questionable behaviour. A boyfriend should never make you feel bad about yourself in any way. That's not what a relationship is.
Have you told him you don't like his stupid comments about your weight? or his lame stories about his ex's? Tell him you don't want to hear those.
I hope any time you two get physical it`s protected, considering the amount of sexual partners he`s had.. has he been tested? Have you?
You sound more like his maid than his girlfriend.. Why are you treating him like royalty if you get none of the same treatment back?
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A
female
reader, hands_down317 +, writes (3 April 2009):
 I'm sorry you're going through this, and no, this isn't what a relationship should be like. First thing, he shouldn't EVER put you down like that. Just because he says "but you still look good" doesn't erase the blow he gave you before. Have you told him that this comments bug you and hurt your self-esteem?
Secondly, he seems very immature. From what I get from your messge it's like he's always gesturing that you should be so lucky to be with him. He SHOULD be inviting you to weddings, and his parties, hands down. Unless there is a valid reason (aka guys poker night or whatever), it's not fair to you if he doesn't give you a reasonable excuse for you not to be there... you are his girlfriend.
If I were you, I would stop worrying about him so much and work on myself, work on your self-esteem and do things that make you feel good about yourself. Don't take his low-blow comments to heart, just put them out of your head. If he does come around, that's great. If he doesn't, it's his loss and you'll have the self-esteem to deal with the break up and know that you're too good for him. There are plenty of other guys out there, you don't need this one.
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A
female
reader, crimson_kiss +, writes (3 April 2009):
 I understand that ill feeling you get in the pit of your stomach. Dearie, he is not treating you right in the least. He wants to know you are there waiting for him to come around to you, and he is out having the time of his life. His put downs are a way to express to you that you need to take this from him because you will never find someone better. STOP him from doing it to you. Go and have a good time yourself. He wants to go and do things without you, then why can't you do the same?You are being neglected in this relationship and you need to wake up and realize there are other men out there that will more than happy to show you what a REAL man and REAL relationship is all about!
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