A
female
age
41-50,
*erenity1
writes:Aunts please help me... I still haven't left this guy alone that I'm being the other woman to... and the sad part is I would like to but haven't been strong enough to just leave him alone, because he's obviously not going to leave me alone.The thing is all I here you all say on here is that people that are the OW have low self esteem, no self confidence, and no self respect... I don't agree with this totally because me myself, I have an excellent career (financially stable), I'm in the middle of my graduate studies, I'm in the process of buying my first home, etc. I know what I'm capable of and know what I deserve, maybe it's just the fact that I've never experienced better and not practicing patience in waiting for the right one (man).My guy isn't married, nor does he have kids with his long term girlfriend but the fact is he has had the opportunity to choose me and he didn't. Then it gets tricky because every time we're together he doesn't even make sex an issue. We can sit and talk, watch tv for hours without having sex.So why, if I know in my mind/heart that he really doesn't want me, do I continue to associate myself with him? You all, I'm not asking for put downs, I'm asking for productive advice. I'm already sad that I'm degrading myself to this degree, I don't need anyone else to badger me about what I already know, but if you have any clue why my behaviour is like this or experienced this yourself, I would love your input...
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affair, confidence, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): You said a very sensible and profound thing - that you have learnt a lesson. We all learn in life and if you put this to experience - that you have the capacity to love a man and for it to be wrong, walk away and still be able to love again you are the better person for it. You are capable of giving someone a lot of love in the future and they will be able to fulfil your dreams. You have experienced vulnerability and know yourself better now as a result. I wish you lots of strength and happiness.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): I do think you have low self esteem even though you are confident and successful in other areas of your life. Somewhere inside you there must be a feeling of not being worth a whole lot if you've been settling for this type of arrangement for so long. Maybe you have destructive thoughts about relationships like men are just cheaters or that you won't be able to trust you'll choose a quality guy and then end up really hurt. You could have fears of being alone or fears that an available guy will really get to know you and then maybe decide he doesn't want you because of who you are and not because there's some built in excuse like another woman.
It's easy to stay comfortable and not face your fears because that requires change which is very scary to people in general but even more scary when you have issues you need to face. There is this saying that "the devil you do know is better than the devil you don't know" meaning that you already know this guy is unfaithful by nature and deceptive. All these other guys out there you could be dating aren't going to have their true colors on display and it takes time and discipline to kiss a lot of frogs until you find the right guy. Even single women with healthy self esteems find this process scary and disappointing and it takes strength to put yourself out there and demand the best for yourself.
You've settled for a destructive situation and decided to cop out of building a successful personal life which would include being with a man that you can build a future with. It's like someone who drops out of college who has a whole list of excuses like their smart but the professors were unfair or the classes were too demanding. They rarely say "I'm not willing to do what it takes to reach my goals".
Decide what your goals are in your romantic life and if your goals include this guy, then you probably need to see a therapist and work on your fears. If you want out and you know this is unhealthy for you, then saying you aren't strong enough is just an excuse. Just like any other goal you've achieved in your life (graduate school, buying a house), you've had to earn those things through discipline and a decision to do it. You didn't earn your degree by skipping classes and not doing the work. You aren't going to get out of this situation by spending time with him and continuing this affair unless your goal is to waste years of your best years to only end up alone. This relationship won't last and you're eventually going to have to face your issues and it's easier now than when more years have gone by and you're alone at 40 being angry at him because he never chose you and you never got married and have no kids. Time slips away from you as you get older and change becomes even more difficult.
Also, the longer you settle for a degrading situation, the more out of proportion your fears become, it's like a slippery slope. The choices we make reflect and confirm our internal beliefs so every time you are with him you are confirming that you are second best and that you don't deserve an honest, faithful man that will really love you.
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A
female
reader, Serenity1 +, writes (3 April 2009):
Serenity1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question you all are right...maybe he does keep me from facing the mere fact that without him i will be alone except for my son and God...i WILL get past this...im confident in that...when?...im not sure...but God knows...if i hadn't let my feelings get so involved i would consider him FWB, but i think it's too late for that approach
i will not repeat this again in my life...it's a lesson learned...i can honestly say that...thanks all who responded...i appreciate it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): perhaps because he makes you feel safe? or that he has accepted you as is, with faults and all.......
either way, you know that long term it will be very destructive for you.........you need to make hard decisions regarding him in your life and only you. at least you acknowledge what you are doing is wrong......you have the intelligence to recognise it, you just have to have the stamina to say good bye to him, once and for all.
it's sad that you still allow him in your life even though you know that he has not chosen you. it is so sad that you continue to see him even though he has made you HIS SECOND BEST. It takes strenght and courage to finally walk away and I believe you can. But how long before that faithful step is taken? You hold the secret to your happiness, so you decide.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): You are just a friend with benefits - it will never amount to anything more than that! Sorry!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Is it maybe because being with him excuses you from having to find someone new, or face being alone until someone new is in your life? If you don't try, you can't possibly fail, and if your relationship fails because he couldn't commit, then it becomes easy to think of the problems in your relationship are entirely his fault. That's a very safe place to be, and a hard place to get out of, but not one that will make you happy in the long term.
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