A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I broke up a few months ago when he told me he didnt know if he loved me anymore.Things are amicable so we're remaining friends.However, whenever i bring up my feelings for him and the relationship, he tells me "anything can happen".Thing is, i cant help but feel slightly led on by that.As things stand, hes clear his feelings have changed for me. And we are remaining friends with no intention of fixing or rekindling the relationship.I still love him and didnt want to end and he knows that.But i really dont see why he'd give me "hope" when his feelings arent currently enough for a relationship to continue.Tbh id rather he not allude to a reconciliation until its pretty much certain. Otherwise i see no point as "anything could happen" could also mean we move find new partners and move on forever.However i feel he doesnt let on to 100% of his feelings because he still flirts with me and he also got really annoyed when i joked around about finding someone new.There also isnt any evidence of another girl on the scene.Is he genuinely keeping the door open or just saying it to be nice/ in case being single doesnt work out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2016): Sorry I didn't make it clear. I've only told him my feelings once but he keeps referring to it and I sort of skim over it. That's how it's been brought up a few times.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 August 2016):
 A guy who doesn't know what he wants does not deserve your love. To know whether he loves you or not, you have to look at whether he is capable of loving. How long have you been with him? I am assuming that things could have gotten boring for him while for you, everything was okay. Maybe he suddenly became this break up artist to spice things up. The conversations you exchanged did not serve any purpose, or closure but to stroke his ego that you still feel for him. It's almost as if he was fishing for confirmation even when you don't like his game anymore.
People who go back and forth, on and off, and being vague, is a sign that there's no direction in the relationship. Relationships turn into marriage, and many people have kids. Maybe he just simply does not have the maturity to go forward in life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2016): Sorry I didn't make it clear. I've only told him my feelings once but he keeps referring to it and I sort of skim over it. That's how it's been brought up a few times.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 August 2016):
 In your original post, you say " whenever I bring up my feelings for him and the relationship " (... that's when he gives you the evasive non -committal platitide that you have chosen to take for " hope ").
Then in your update you say that you only brought this subject up once, and he is the one who keeps trying to flirt and bringing feelings up.
Which one is it, then ?
Anyway, not that it is very relevant. Either way, it is an evasive platitude not supported by any meaningful action or serious conversation- just by your wishful thinking. He KNOWS perfectly you are in love with him and you did not want the relationship to end ; how hard would it be for him , if he thought he had made a mistake, telling you : look, I am sorry, I made a mistake, let's get back together ?.... Piece of cake ; he KNOWS you'd take him back in a heartbeat and the whole " friendship " thing is about you hanging on for dear life. But- he has not said that, so he has not changed his mind. And he is feeding you vague platitudes all along.
The only difference is the motivation behind the platitude- if it's you who want to talk about feelings , then, as I mentioned in my previous post, probably he is being nice and diplomatic; he is showing compassion. If in fact he is the one always flirting and bringing up romantic stuff, then he is a little less nice. He is messing with your head and keeping you hanging because this is an ego stroke, and very convenient for him. As of now, he likes his single status just fine and does not want to change. But just in case, if with a little flirty banter he can keep you nice and handy, simmering on your back burner- why not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2016): Sex is alps completely off the cards and he knows that
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2016): Thanks all for your advice. I also want to add that I only shared my feelings once he's the one who keeps bringing up possibilities and when he does I quickly change the subject. I also don't flirt with him. If anything I make it clear I won't flirt as we aren't together.
Also I made him promise friendship as we've been friends for years and I didn't think our relationship would last as long as it did.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 August 2016):
You are leading yourself on. You kind of made him promise that you were going to stay friends ( although , as other Aunts have remarked , when there 's unrequited love , then is anything but real, honest, platonic friendship ) and he is kind of telling you what you want to hear- if he is a nice guy, because he does not want to crush your hopes and hurt your feelings ( in short, out of pity ) and if he is not -so- nice, to keep you conveniently close and handy, ready in case his newfound single status does not get him all the satisfaction / fun / sex he was hoping for.
You know that, as of now and until you carry such a big torch for him, it would be better and wiser to cut him off, but you don't want to do it because it's awkward or difficult.
Alas, OP, nobody has the luxury in life to do only what's easy and pleasant. Some times we have to use our will strength and force ourselves to do what we know it's best for us in the long run, even if it entails a sacrifice in the present.
The choice is only yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2016): My dear, he's offering you false hope and feeding it to you through a baby's pacifier. You're whining and pleading. That gets annoying; so he tells you what you want to hear basically to make you shut-up and get off his back.
Men really can't stand it when women (and their gay male equivalent) are emotional and whiny. They'd say anything to make you stop.
You know that he's not taking you back; and you're stubbornly forcing yourself on him. You're not wearing him down in the least; and your love doesn't mean anything to him anymore. If he's not reciprocating, how long do you plan to hold-out until you realize this guy's not budging?
About being friends. People who used to boink each other then break-up seldom really become friends. One of the two hasn't really gotten over the other. Evidenced when one of the pair finds someone else, or makes a really intense romantic connection. The so-called other friend does everything they can to put a wedge between the "friend" and whomever the new love-interest may be. Then we get the posts from the annoyed new girlfriend how she can get his ex out of the picture. Yet their "only friends."
He's counting on you for booty calls until he has found your replacement. Or maybe keep you as a handy standby. Trust me, he's not playing the game by your rules, and it's all setup on his own terms to benefit you-know-who. He knows you're a pushover right now.
"Maybe...I'm still thinking about it...hold-on..we'll see."
Blah, blah, blah!!!
You're trying to wear him down with your tears. He's coming up with more and more excuses to put you on-hold. You'll be a pile of mush when he's finished with you. You've given him all the power over your feelings and emotions.
Girlfriend, just stop! Get a grip, girl! Go wash your face.
Get it in your head he's done. Convince yourself that it's over. He is giving you false-hope, and you know that's what it is. You can't force someone to want you. If he wanted you, he'd take you back in a heartbeat. That isn't happening, and it isn't going to. He's toying with your emotions.
Gather-up as much of your dignity and strength as you can, sweetheart. It's time to face this like a woman. He's done, so you may as well be done too.
BTW, here's a spoiler alert. I want you to print this part and keep in a drawer. After several months of agonizing and finally getting over him and feelings yourself again. You'll either get the news he got a new girlfriend, or you'll get a new guy. He'll show-up out of the blue to throw you off-course. Remember these words. Kick his ass to the curb and go forward. Don't ever look back. They only want you when they can't stand the fact of another man loving you better. Stroking your hair, and caressing your body. Even worse, a better man loving you.
Destiny has now reset the clock, and has removed him from your life. Someone is better on the horizon. May be a while before he shows up. The downtime is for getting your sh*t together. You don't deserve better, until you're better. Dump your baggage, and stop acting like a child.
These are my words of wisdom. If you don't read them, someone else will.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 August 2016):
 I agree with both aunties,
He is stringing you along in case nothing "better" comes around or IF he gets lonely.
BUT he IS over you as a romantic interest. YOU need to accept that and then modify the contact you have with him now.
OK, so you call it "friends", but when someone has romantic feelings for someone else, it's NOT a friendship. It's YOU holding on to your ex because you don't WANT to accept it's over. Friends don't have romantic feelings for each other.
You try and use manipulative little games, like flirting and talking about "finding" someone else in hopes that it will make him so jealous that he will have feeling for you again. Honey, he won't.
YOU are fooling yourself by keeping a firm grip on HOPING he will change his mind and a firm grip on keeping him on your life.
In order for you to MOVE on, to look to the future you can't be looking over your should at him. HE is your past.
Take a break from any contact with him, you CAN tell him that you are going NC to move on, and then STICK to it. Don't LET him keep stringing you along. IT IS your choice to NOT keep contact so YOU can move on. If he doesn't like that.. TOUGH TITTIES! He is no longer your BF and you do NOT owe him contact. Nor do you OWE him the "right" stringing you along.
TAKE charge in your life.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (16 August 2016):
 You're giving YOURSELF false hope. What are you looking for him to say when you tell him you still have feelings for him? You're basically feeding yourself answers you don't want to hear, so don't ask the questions you don't want the answers to. You said you two have no intention of fixing or rekindling the relationship. If that's the case, then act like it and keep your emotions to yourself. In my book you're not being a friend when you're alluding to wanting romance. His noncommital answers seem like a passive way to not deal with the issue. Drop it, or drop him as a friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2016): I forgot to add, before we got together I kind of made him promise to remain my friend because we've been friends for so long.
Also the split was amicable so I don't wanna be mean.
I hear what you're saying but it'll be quite awkward for me to just cut him off as much as it may be better.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 August 2016):
 He is leading you on, he is keeping you on the back burner just in case being single doesn't work out.
I suggest taking back some control here, because he says he doesn't want a relationship but continues to give you hope by flirting and acting jealous when you mention moving on (finding someone else).
He tells you "anything can happen" well, time to make something happen, go no contact for six months, and stick to it, block him on social media and don't take his texts or calls, be polite but distant if you accidentally meet out and about, but don't invite him into your home or go anywhere with him.
If he has a problem with it tell him "anything can happen".
You need some time and space without him dangling carrots so that you can make some decisions of you own, instead of his hot cold BS.
Good luck~
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 August 2016):
 Your gut is telling you it is the latter. Trust your gut, even if it is not what you want to hear. Be strong, walk away. Don't remain "friends" with him because your agendas are totally different. Protect yourself from more hurt by cutting him out of your life until you get over him.
I hope you find someone who deserves you.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (15 August 2016):
 Sweetie, when a man wants you he will move countries and swim across oceans to be with you. Im exaggerating a little but not by a whole lot. If a guy wants you, it will happen and he will be calling and texting and trying to win you over. The fact that he hasnt and even broke up and stated that anything can happen, its the biggest 'I dont care' you can think of. He is your friend because he cares for you. He is annoyed if you got a boyfriend because he may just feel a bit jealous but has to intention or desire to be with you. Most guys wouldnt let you go if he wanted you.Keep him as a distant friend and continue to dates. Circulate, enjoy men, go out dancing, love life and continue to focus on bettering yourself and youll attract an even better man for you. Know that you are the 'prize' and should be won over. If he is taking you for granted, dont let it happen. When a guy drops me, I instantly make him less important and go about my life. And youll notice he will want you back but youll have so many things going, he will become less important. Make sure to expand your options and focus on other important aspects of your life too. Good luck
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