A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I have big ambitions to become a vet and i have the qualifications to go to university and do what i want. I also have a boyfriend with whom i've been with since i was just 13. So we are extremely close. The problem is the uni i want to go to is very far away. So i would only be able to come home and see my boyfriend every or maybe every other weekend. I've thought about it and i know me and him could pull through, but the uni course is 7 years long. and i know neither of us will be happy enough just seeing each other at weekends for that length of time. ive thought about him moving with me but he hates cities and has a job as a countryside manager. So it would be difficult for him to live in a city. I've spoken to him about it and he said i shoulddo what makes me happier. But going to uni i would be unhappy without himStaying here i would be unhappy not becoming a vetand him moving with me he would be unhappy out of his comfort zone and out of a jobPlease help :) x x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): Hey, hope it's not too late to hear what I have to say.
I'm in a situation where my girlfriend and I are going to university, but we'll only see each other possibly at the weekend. If she goes very far away, I'm sure we'll only see each other once a month. The thing is, it's very hard to put an end to one thing just so you can start another, so why not go to university, and still give your relationship the best go that you can? In that 7 years, there's a whole world of things that could happen, be they better for the relationship, or worse.
Give it a shot :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): Definitely go to university. Boyfriends will come and go, but you'll have your career for the rest of your life (well, at least until you retire). If you don't go to school, won't it be terrible to be stuck in some job, year after year, yearning to be a vet??
I know you think you will be with this guy forever, but you said yourself you have big ambitions. He seems content to stay where he is. Hmmm.
Go to school, and if things with him work out, that's great. But if not, you will get through it. Either way, you will always be glad you went to school, fulfilled your dream, and got a job you love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): I am in the military and us older people pull postings away from our (also military) partners all the time. So go get your education. You'll feel a complete fool if you don't and he drops you in a year's time.
As for the relationship, if you want to keep it running long-distance here are the tips.
1) You are both going to live independent lives. Get used to that idea -- no more billions of texts about what you are doing this five minutes. That doesn't mean you don't love each other less.
2) Take time in those independent lives to think of the other person. Remember the things you are doing which will interest them, buy things you see which they will like, arrange small surprises every now and again. Using those memories, write letters, take photos, make videos, send e-mails sharing your life. Be real in them -- you're not selling yourself, you are sharing.
3) You can't solve relationship problems from a distance. Whatever issues you have, they are on hold until you are together again. Solving emotional stuff over the phone just can't be done, all it does is wring both people out. That means if the partner needs urgent non-relationship emotional help (eg death in the family) then you're on the plane.
Stop coddling your boyfriend. A country boy who can't cope with the city. ROFL. Is the boy a wimp? You're a smart girl, so I'd bet not. I'd say your boy isn't stupid: he's offering a half-reasonable excuse not to be dragged across the country when you might toss in being a vet after six months.
Once things are established he might well decide to move to the city to be closer to you. I'd suggest you don't go reinforcing any role models that might imply you don't want him with you.
Face facts, seven years is a long time. The boy had better be worth it. You are going have to be clever, going to have to be smart to pull this off. But if you do, then you'll have built a strong relationship along the way, and that's something many 25 year olds would be envious of.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (14 December 2009):
 I know that at your age 7 years seems like a lifetime but you will be surprised how fast the years fly by. I really think that you need to look at the big picture and do all that you can do to fulfill your dreams of becoming a vet. The animals will thank you and I think so will your boyfriend after all is said and done.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 December 2009):
It comes down to a choice, and one of you will be hurt. All I can do is say this. Your life's dream is to be a vet. Perhaps you should follow your dream. You don't want to look back in twenty years time and realize you sacrificed your dream and are unhappy. Follow your dream, and be a vet.
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A
female
reader, nolaughter +, writes (14 December 2009):
As a woman who went away to college with a boyfriend back at home, I can really relate to this predicament, and the advice I would give to you, is to end the relationship.
People change a lot throughout their university years, and lots of times relationships can't withstand the growing that people go through during these times.
When I went to university, I had a boyfriend who I loved very much and whom I had discussed marriage and children with. After a year of being at school and trying to make the relationship work as a weekend thing, I came to the realization that we had really grown apart. I felt like I was growing as a person, and he was sort of standing still.
We broke things off shortly after my second year in school had started, and I really regret all that time that I lost during my first year at school that I could have better spent making friends and devoting myself to my studies more. Going home every weekend that first year, I really missed out on a lot of socializing and friend-making activities.
You only live your life once, and you only have the opportunity to set your life on the path you want the rest of it to take at this one precious time. I would highly recommend that you do not let your love life take precedence over your education at this point in time. Going to the right school, getting started in the right programs, that's the most important thing you can be doing for yourself.
I know it's probably hard to imagine yourself with other people since you've been with this one boyfriend for such a long time, but chances are that he may not be the person you wind up wanting to spend the rest of your life with as the years go by. On the off-chance that there may be other boyfriend's in your life, you would hate to look back and think that you'd made such an important life-decision, based on someone else, rather than on what was best for you.
I'm afraid I may sound a bit rambley, but this hits pretty close to home for me as I wish I'd had someone to give me this advice when I was younger. I hope I'm making sense. :)
Whatever your final decision, just be sure that you're doing what's best for you. Regret is a terrible thing.
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (14 December 2009):
Ok so stay with ur bf and once life settles in possibly regret not going to school. Or go to school and if u and ur bf are meant to be he will be there when u get back or when u come home on breaks and all. Simple enough?
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A
female
reader, Honest_Answers +, writes (14 December 2009):
 I was in exactly the same situation six years ago and decided to go to uni, and it was the best decision I ever made. I thought my relationship was unbreakable but it turned out we wanted different things from life. I didn't want to go back to my home town every weekend because I felt like I'd miss out on all the fun things that were happening at uni. He didn't want to come and visit me because he had too many commitments at home. In the end we broke up and I met a guy who makes me the happiest I've ever been. We've been together coming up to 5 years and I wouldn't change a thing.
Whatever you do decide to do I'd say make sure you're sure. Either throw yourself into your relationship or into university. Everyone I know that's done things by half has ruined both uni and their relationship. If you're strong you'll make it, if you don't you'll still have an amazing career - look after number one sweetheart!
xxx
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A
female
reader, old-spinstah +, writes (14 December 2009):
It's a really tough choice and only you can decide. There are a couple of compromises you could consider but both you AND your boyfriend may have to compromise for things to work.
1) Re-consider your choice of university and apply to one closer to home so that you won't have to travel so far at weekends to see each other. (I appreciate this might not be much of an option if you live in a remote area near no Uni's offering your course or if you applied to a closer Uni already and didn't get in)
2)There are also some Uni's that are located in much smaller towns with campuses in rural areas which your boyfriend may find a more attractive proposition to move to. Even if the Uni is in a city, you don't have to live on campus - you could opt to live with your boyfriend in a nearby rural area and commute. This is obviously a much more expensive option (both rent and commuting costs) but might be worth it if you're determined to stay together. Of course, your boyfriend would have to find a new job but at least in a rural area he will be more likely to find a job that he has the skills for and enjoys. Some Uni's will allow you to defer your place for a year if you have finacial issues to arrange (such as a partner having to relocate and find a new job) so it might be worth asking them.
I urge you to carry on with your educaton. If you are in a committed relationship, it is possible to make "weekend relationships" work. It sounds much more hideous than it is - if you keep busy (which you will be if you're training to be a vet) the week will fly by. At Uni you also get nice long holidays and often reading weeks when you can also return home. It does take hard work though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): Follow your dreams - go and become a vet. Boys might come and go but the university is the opportunity of a lifetime. Visit your bf every 5 days or so.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): I had a similar problem when I first went to college. However, at that time I had only been with my girlfriend for six months. Anyways, she is a small town girl and wanted to go to university to become a teacher. She went to school about an hour away from our hometown. I wanted to go to school in a big city, about four hours away, to study business and then go to law school after that. Sure enough, that's what I did. Now, five years later, things are still going very well. We have both obtained our undergraduate degrees. She is teaching close to our hometown and I am pursuing law school. Although we have been a great distance from each other over the years, and will continue to do so for the next few years as I finish up my education, we have made it work. We visit each other during breaks and whenever else we can otherwise. Though we are by no means able to visit every weekend, we call each other every night and mail letters on a weekly basis. However, I recognize that she is a small town girl, whereas I am a big city guy. Although I sense it will be difficult to move her to a big city, that is not enough for me to call off our relationship. All that I really care about is that I have been able to get the education I want so I can practice as an attorney wherever I desire, big or small town. Only time will tell where I end up, but I realize a relationship requires a little bit of give and take.
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A
male
reader, SV +, writes (14 December 2009):
You should seriously consider this carefully. Not many people have a job that they love and it sounds like you really want to become a vet. Depending on how "far" the University is you can still see your boyfriend and though it may not be everyday it wont be the end of the world. His job title as a manager sounds important and asking him to move would be unfair and selfish as it would be uprooting him and starting over again especially during an economic recession isn't going to be easy. I think that you should go to Uni and let him get on with his life. You'll still be friends. You can't expect things to stay the same forever, that's life. Go to Uni have fun and enjoy life. All the best :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): Think about it.
you start uni at the start of October. you come back for 5 weeks over christmas then finish in may until october. youre only away for half the year.
I'd personally go for education, it lasts much longer than any boy will. if you two ever broke up you'd wish youd gone to uni. wheras if you go to uni you'll find someone else and wont regret the decision so much.
It is possible to live far away and make a relationship work. Its hard but its possible.
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