A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 39 (40 next spring) and childless. I have just come out of a 10 year marriage which pretty much destroyed my sense of self worth / esteem. I am still a little raw but trying to move on. My hopes and dreams for a happy family life with a loving man seem impossible. I am worried that to start dating I will appear desperate / sad / pushy and will put off a lot of guys who have much more (biologically) time to think about trying for children. I feel I am running out of time. I still want to have some fun, spend time getting to know a guy and dating but I cannot avoid the obvious - my age. My own family just don't seem to understand my heartache. Will men be put off by my age and situation?
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (21 November 2011):
 ps
and actually in my opinion having kids IS a passport to unconditional bliss, relatively speaking - so you are totally right to get moving on this - and to feel upset that you haven't got children yet - so turn that angst into action and find the right guy and get going. You have time for at least two, if not three or four. Think of 45 as your approx. stopping time. So, then, meet someone and have first child within a year, then add another couple, and hey presto.
I am not joking. This is deadly serious. You don't want to go into the menopause with any regrets. It will ruin the rest of your life. So just go for it - check out all the sites - go speed dating - do it all. FIND SOMEONE.
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (21 November 2011):
Loads and loads and loads of women get together with someone in their late 30s and have children almost immediately. Lots of my friends did. Together one month. Married six months later. Pregnant a month after that.
Some guys get it. Actually, most guys who don't have kids do start to think about it when they get to 38 or so. (and I am talking English guys - foreign guys from almost anywhere else all think you should have teenagers by the time you are 40).
So, don't be shy about it. It is cool. You put yourself out there. You want a baby, yes. You want to be happy. Just go for a walk in Barnes, S London on a Sunday afternoon, and you will see a million and one be-tweeded, be-spectacled happy dads, bald and proud, looking after min. 2 usually 3+ little nippers, all under 5. And if you do catch a glimpse of a wife/mother, she is on the other side of 40 and couldn't give a damn.
There are so many women out there having babies later. It is so not too late. My 40th birthday present was my daughter : ) ... I did have my first child when 27, but had to wait for my next one. So I know how it is. Frankly it was easier with her than with my first, so you don't need to worry about that. It is all FINE.
There are also stacks of dating sites where men go BECAUSE they want a woman and a family. You just have to find the right type of guy. And you are lucky, because there is a definite English type who has kids in his late 30s and embraces it all whole heartedly. So ... get searching. Don't feel bad. There are literally millions like you. Most of them in Barnes ; )
(sorry - just went there recently and it struck me!)
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (21 November 2011):
Loads and loads and loads of women get together with someone in their late 30s and have children almost immediately. Lots of my friends did. Together one month. Married six months later. Pregnant a month after that.
Some guys get it. Actually, most guys who don't have kids do start to think about it when they get to 38 or so. (and I am talking English guys - foreign guys from almost anywhere else all think you should have teenagers by the time you are 40).
So, don't be shy about it. It is cool. You put yourself out there. You want a baby, yes. You want to be happy. Just go for a walk in Barnes, S London on a Sunday afternoon, and you will see a million and one be-tweeded, be-spectacled happy dads, bald and proud, looking after min. 2 usually 3+ little nippers, all under 5. And if you do catch a glimpse of a wife/mother, she is on the other side of 40 and couldn't give a damn.
There are so many women out there having babies later. It is so not too late. My 40th birthday present was my daughter : ) ... I did have my first child when 27, but had to wait for my next one. So I know how it is. Frankly it was easier with her than with my first, so you don't need to worry about that. It is all FINE.
There are also stacks of dating sites where men go BECAUSE they want a woman and a family. You just have to find the right type of guy. And you are lucky, because there is a definite English type who has kids in his late 30s and embraces it all whole heartedly. So ... get searching. Don't feel bad. There are literally millions like you. Most of them in Barnes ; )
(sorry - just went there recently and it struck me!)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): I'm a guy, and I didn't get married or have my first child until I was in my 40s. I was very introverted when I was younger, so I buried myself in my education and career. I've been very successful in my career, and more than one women has said I look like a movie star. (I'm saying this merely to give you some perspective)But, most women I met assumed I was afraid of commitment, or that there was something wrong with me because I was still single at my age. It was very frustrating.A lot of men probably would be put off by a woman your age who is anxious to have children, but it seems to me this just means you will have to cover more ground (meet more men) to find the one you're looking for. Keep in mind that men have biological clocks as well in the sense that most of us don't want to be raising teenagers when we're in our 70s.I'm not a doctor, but it seems to me another option might be to have some of your own eggs harvested and frozen crygenically. My understanding is that most women become less fertile after 35 primarily because their bodies produce fewer viable eggs, but they can give birth if they can get pregnant. This might buy you a couple years.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Honestly ? Yes.
The problem won't be your age. 40 is a great age for a woman. Still young, still sexy and attractive and yet more mature, self confident and experienced ( in life, not just sexually ) . Most of my friends got married or re-married in their 40s. My cousin was 52, and my friend's mother 80something ( that is a bit unusual though :) Cupid's arrows hit their target at any age, so relax,finding the right companion is far than an impossible dream.
But the kids, well, that's different . You don't see many men,say, 40 to 50 , anxious to be fathers, pining for the offspring they never had. Chances are that they already had children from their exes, and don't want/ can afford any more. Or that they have purposedly CHOSEN to stay childless .Those who are very keen to start a family, well, they'd choose a younger female with more reproductive power and fertility years in front of her. ( While you are still fertile in your 40s, it's far from sure that you can conceive at the drop of a hat ).
You should go for younger men only, and that's easier said than done. While the percentage of men willing to date / have a relationship / even marry an older woman, has grown enormously compared to just 10 years ago, those who would choose / accept one for raising a family together are very few and far between.
Conclusion ? never say never, and be optimistic - reasonably. Don't make having biological children the be all and end all of your life. Don't feel that if you are not a mother your life won't be complete. If it happens it's a blessing, if it does not you can be happy anyway.
Having children is not a passport to unconditional bliss.
Plus, if you evaluate any man you meet first of all as a potential dad for your child, you'll scare them away immediately. Nobody likes to be judged by his stud potential, same as you would not like to be appreciated only because you can be impregnated.
Open yourself to new love, and be ready for it, but remember to choose wisely. It's better to find the right life companion and be childless, than having a child .. who has a jerk as a father.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 I agree that you will encounter men who have had vasectomies or who wish to live a child-free life. However, you could be open about wanting children and maybe one of those men will reverse their snip if the relationship turns serious.
Also, I wouldn't rule out alternative options such as IVF with a sperm donor, or adopting a child. You may be a single mother but at least you'll have achieved your dream of motherhood and still be able to date men with other children.
Don't give up your dream. You may regret it later in life if you remain childless (not by choice).
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 November 2011):
 I dont think men will be put off by your age and situation, in fact it may well be the opposite - it is quite rare to meet a woman at your age who doesnt have children, and most men dont want to take on someone elses kids so it could work in your favour actually.
The main problem you will encounter though will most likely to be that men around your age either wont want children hence why they have stayed childless, or they already have kids from a previous relationship and wont want anymore.
However I dont think you should be negative or give up hope - remain positive that you will meet someone and simply be honest with any men that you meet that eventually you would like a family. All you can do is be honest upfront and then see what happens from there.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 November 2011):
40 isn't that old in my opinion and I'm 23. I honestly would stop worrying about that because that's really the only part you can't do anything about. So you're not a young flower anymore, well that doesn't mean you're not a very appealing woman. My aunt is 42 and I can honestly say she blows many 20-year-olds out of the water. She takes good care of herself without going overboard.
She is childless, like you, but currently dating a man who has a daughter and it seems to be going well. There are a lot of single men and single dads out there who may feel no woman may want them because most have started their own families by then. Like you, not everyone follows the beaten path.
If you still feel too low about yourself, start working out and get better nutrition. All the periods in my life where I felt down and sad had in common that I didn't take good care of myself. I've noticed that it is often the same with other people. So start with that first. It doesn't have to cost much. Here's a website that offers free workouts and gives diet advice (look for the FAQ): www.bodyrock.tv. The workouts are short so it's not like you'll have to follow the schedule of a fulltime athlete.
Once you got that rolling, reward yourself with new clothes, a trip to a spa, hairdresser, etc. Anything that gets your mood up and helps your self esteem.
Also, now you're single and free again, this is the time to do all those things you thought of doing but never did. So travel, do sports, sign up for all those things you wanted to do but couldn't before. You don't have to jump into dating immediately. So try to set up a life on your own again with friends and activities to surround you.
That should make you feel more satisfied and independent and those are two qualities men like in a woman. Basically you have to get to the point where getting into a relationship isn't what completes you, but what is a big plus to an already fulfilling life. Once you have that kind of confidence you won't seem pushy or desperate. You'll just seem like someone who likes to share a good life with someone else worthwhile.
So in short, no I don't think men will be put off by your age and situation. But I highly suggest that before putting yourself out there, you build up your self esteem and confidence first.
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Hi have no fear there are a lot of men out there who are looking for women who want a family. When the time is right he will find you. A ten year relationship takes a bit of getting over and you don,t want to carry all the emotional baggage into a new relationship. There are men out there though who understand where you are at because they have been there or are there themselves. They to will want to put the past behind them and are looking for a better future with someone that understands them. There is someone for everyone!You are not running out of time to have children, you are probably at the best time in your life to have children. Look at it like this the man you were with befor was not rite for you.While you are single and have no responsibilities get out there and meet a few new friends.Celebrate your new lease of life have a party, your free to be who you want to be and attract who you want to attract. All the best!
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