A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have posted on here so many times as I dont have anyone to talk to. What would you do in the following scenario?I am on the verge of buying a house with my second husband who I ended up having a seperate house from for the last 4 years as we had so many problems.The experience scarred me deeply. The biggest problem I had was him not accepting my two older children, he was dismissive of them and it caused issues for my son who is better now. Money was another problem he abandoned us when i lost my job. We have a son together and over the past two years we have been trying to work on things. My second husband is still is not quite there with my kids but it is ok. He is putting the deposit on house with his savings and we are combining income, as I earn more. Yesterday we agreed we would wait unti Dec to take our kids to a christmas fair. My two were dying to go so i said let me tell them and i will say it will be busy until dec so we will go then i did nt want him to get blame for us not going as they see him as mean sometimes and i am trying to change that. He said i should not protect them I am, scared of telling them the truth and I treat my nine year old boy like a five year old. My Son had counselling after he lived with us so I do take things gently I am not afraid to tell him things but he has an anxiety disorder which I am controlling at present and giving him coping skills with life. I said it makes no difference to you what I say as long as the end message is the same he went on to say I had no rules for the kids. This is not true my kids are kind polite good children who go to bed at eight and I am strict on manners. He has been controlling with his opinions for the last year and when we move into the house he will give his opinions whether I like it or not. He also said we have to save £1500 a month to put the money back in the account I am all for saving but he can be mean he will think nothing of spending £800 on himself getting his teeth done or £4000 tommorow on plastic surgery to improve his pecs but was reluctant to buy his Son a birthday cake over £2 I save but also treat my kids occassionally as they are only young once I dont want this to be controlled as I and my kids will hate him. Has he been holding back all that time and he will go back to the original monster would you be scared
View related questions:
christmas, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 December 2012):
 You've done so well honeypie, you've done better than I thought you would. You sound stronger, you sound calm, you sound much happier.
"I dont want to cause anyone hurt"
Again, that's always the big problem.... again I'll translate... "I DON'T WANT HIM HURT"... again, it's what he wants, when he wants, nothing to do with you or your kids... He'll scream and threaten and frighten your old father, he'll scare your kids... but again what your thinking about is how to make him happy. No, "Bliss" is not wrong, it's beautiful, it's what we've always wanted for you and your children.
Please read Miss anonymous who wrote on the 14th May 2012..
"I wish I could turn the clock back every day. I should have listened but he guilted me into it as I felt awful not 'allowing ' him to live with his son. Life is short; make yours one full of good decisions" (Miss anonymous - 14th May 2012)
You've handled everything so well. You've stayed strong, you've put your foot down, you've shown him he can't push you around anymore.
But it's time to get that divorce now, your strong enough, you've had time to heal. As eyeswideopen says, it'll make him know your serious and he won't have any right to demand anything. It will protect your rights and your children's interests, right now he has some husbandly rights that are very worrying.
This selfish abusive man hasn't learnt anything and he never will... but that doesn't mean you, your father or the kids have to put up with it. Tell him nasty aggressive men aren't welcome in your house anymore and tell him next time he pulls that kind of crap you'll be calling the police to lock him up. He won't trouble your 1st husband, because he's a coward who can only bully children, women and old men. He knows how to behave, he just chooses not to. Next time he shows any aggression call the police to throw him out.
Time for that divorce... men like him don't get hurt, remember he's already thrown away the love of his older kids, he managed three months all by himself doing fine, not interested in seeing his son or seeing if you were OK.
He's not a nice guy, he's very selfish. Please get a divorce and give yourself to get some peace, some happiness and find your bliss again.
Take care, and well done you.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 I think you should start the divorce proceedings, that way your husband will know you mean what you say about never getting back together. As long as he thinks he still has a foot in the door he'll be a problem. I'm glad you have begun to feel the peace and happiness as you definitely deserve to, but now I think it's time to really close this chapter.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone
I am sounding out today and need some back up. Thank you who helped me before I couldnt have left without you. I split with my second Husband in May so I ve been on my own for nearly seven months! I have enjoyed mylife on my own its so peaceful and I am in the process of buying myself and my children a house life has got so much better. My ex didnt bother to come and see his Son for three months I did offer and its awful to say but it was bliss! I heard stories he was going out every weekend etc but it didnt bother me I loved my new life. Three months ago the ex returned on the scene to see my little three year old boy I let himcome and see him twice a week sometimes he doesnt turn up but I feel Im doing right by my boy. I wont let him go out with him as he tried to commit suicide and has a history of violence and always told me if he didnt have me he would take his kids and go. He has over the last three weeks started trying to talk me back when he comes to see his Son its not working so I just tell him honestly I will not go back. I see him as a sad figure on his own but he treated me very badly and I will never go back. I am friends with my first ex Husband who I have two kids with I have explained I dont want any kind of relationship I need time on my own but we take the kids out for days sometimes its nice I get adult company and share the work with the kids which gives me a break. On the weekend I went to the next city shopping for xmas presents with my first ex my second ex's ex wife saw me and told a bitter lie that I was holding hands with my first ex. The second ex went beserk turning up at my seventy year old Fathers house saying he was willing to take things into his own hands. I told him it was none of his business but we are just friends and do things with the kids. Last night he came to the house to see my Son he aggresively came upstairs asking if I was seeing my first ex I said I have answered your questions already you are here to see your Son go and see him he saw i had a vase of flowers on my window he said who are they from I said I bought them he said he must have bought them then he said I will go and kick his f head in. My little girl was listening and realised he was talking about her Dad. I told him to leave he begged to stay I said on condition that you see your Son and leave me alone. He came and apologised later saying you are the only person I have ever loved I would wait for you even if you are with someone else. I told him I dont want us. This morning he texted he dreamt someone had bought me the flowers and I was getting married it was awful he said glad we are friends I just find it difficult. I texted him back this has to stop or I cant be firends with you and will converse only regarding Rocco and will stop you seeing him if you behave as you did last night. We are not divorced I have not thought about proceedings yet as was getting myself better after a traumatic four years. I dont know whats the best way to handle this I dont want to cause anyone hurt but I will never go back I wish him the best but I wont sacrifice myself or my kids happiness. How do you think I should handle the situation as I feel hes getting obsessed ?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): Dear A Female, I applaud your decision not to move in with your sons father.I hope that is a decision you are currently in and will be permenant.I am not someone who has no experience of a situation like this. I am trying to get out of a relationship that is remarkably similar.You have to stay away, This man you know, is controlling and is only behaving reasonably calmly at the moment as you are not currently living with him. As soon as you do it WILL all change and I think you have enough intellience to work this out,You earn more, you have a home, your kids are recovering,,,sounds like heave to me,The only flaw is thta he will probably have to see his father occasionally, Try to limit this as much as you can as your son could pick up traits towards women that ar'nt desirable,I don't even want to talk about your husband as he has proved himself to be someone who cannot deal with life's challenges and is hard work.He is a baby that you do not have the emotional energy to deal with.Your children need all of your energy and a relationship should enhance your life, not make it more difficult.You are not goign to 'work things out together' YOU are going to have to expend energy on keeping everyone happy. What you are doing is trying to make you husband appear to your children as something he is not.He is not reasonable, so by lying to make him appear so youre actually aiding an abuser.You can't im afraid make him appear something he is not.Your kids are astute, they 'know' Listen to them and carry on being the wonderful mother you obviously are and leave this loser to his own mess. He will have to deal with life not having you to pick up for him.Your future without him is bright. If you are scared of him.make up an excuse, tell him you can't buy a house with him as you are gay/depressed/have too much on your plate work wise/are working towards a promotion etc etc..just get him off your back and away from you and keep him away.I was in a situation similar yo yours and I did move in with him eventually.How I wish i'd listened to my children.My eldest has now left to live with his father, my ex..your children may leave you if you stay with this man...I had my own house and job and he was 150 miles away. Now we are together and have a child and I wish I could turn the clock back every day. I should have listened but he guilted me into it as I felt awful not 'allowing ' him to live with his son. Life is short; make yours one full of good decisions, Much love xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (30 November 2011):
I guess we aunts don't like him either, we feel the same as your kids.Counselling is a good idea, you sound like you've had bad experiences in life and don't expect to be treated nicely. I know it's hard to leave when the outside looks cold and lonely. But it's the right decision, this guy is making things worst for you, he's stealing away more of your self-esteem, with him around life will never get better.Be strong, and every time you feel weak, come back here and talk, or just read everything that we have all talked about. Or get a counsellor or friend to hold your hand and dry your tears.Be proud of you, I know you are trying to leave and that's why you come her to talk all about it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): NARCISSIST, ABUSIVE, CONTROLLING!
He puts himself before those he 'claims' to love? Money on plastic surgery, himself, but argues over a bday cake for son?
Sister, that type of selfish, ahole would get a punt kick so fast- he wouldn't have the time to register it. And when he does register my almighty Canadian Boot up his backside, he'd be in the middle of nowhere he'd be terrified that something paranormal occured- he wouldn't sleep for months!
( i say the above because I am venting. I actually just tell someone to piss off ;) NO use for physical violence. Just me wishing the impossible and hope its humourous in some way. apologies)
I'm so very GLAD you have backed off and are considering going slow.
For now, your kids should come first. Give them the time and skills to heal and grow strong so they can break the cycle of abuse when they are adults.
Also, are you in counselling? You should be.
Below are links to read over, please do so. I believe in Education and its a start to your own recovery from abusive relationships as the EX and Current sound like clones.
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/abuse-domestic-violence-child-abuse/15830-ten-signs-you-may-be-involved-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship.html
They advise that it takes two to three years to recover from an abusive relationship and will aid you in better spotting warning signs of an abuser.
So please seek some guidance, counselling as well.
*hugs*
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 November 2011):
 so glad to hear that our work here has helped you! Thank you for the update.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 November 2011):
 Glad to hear it! A very wise choice. You'll have some challenges from time to time as we all do, but everything WILL work out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you I have decided not to buy the house the kids and i are staying put in our house i will continue to save as for him i am going to take my time at arms length from my children to see if we have a future thanks for your help i have low self esteem and am scared but you all helped
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (30 November 2011):
" As long as he's not physically, and emotionally abuse to you and the children, everything is possible."
Chickpea please read carefully, he is emotionally abusive to the children, one of them is so frightened he has had to go counselling.. that's the big problem
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (30 November 2011):
 Hi,
I know he will change. He's with you this long, so he does care about you and your children. There's hope... As long as he's not physically, and emotionally abuse to you and the children, everything is possible. Be strong, be calm, be pleasant, keep positive attitude and I am sure he will change, and realize what an amazing woman you are.
It takes time for him to get adjusted, starting getting attached to your children, but with time I am sure things will get better, and you can make this marriage work, and make a happy family.
I just want you to know that you have the right to feel this way, I understand your concerns... Don't be afraid, everything will be ok. Even if he's not a perfect father figure to your children now, as long as he's treat then fairly, thats a great start. Also, I know that it bothers you when he spends so much money in himself with plastic surgery, for example, but not all relationships are perfect. Again, just know that you are right, and I agree with you, but don't let every little detail bother you, and make a problem. I know that sometimes you doubt yourself? Asking, am I wrong to feel this way? I just wanted to reassure you that you are an amazing woman, amazing mom, you are fair, and yes you have your sanity :)
Wish you and your family a wonderful holidays.....
Be patient....
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 November 2011):
OK, here's a question. Are you frightened of this man?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2011):
Like EyesWideOpen said you can't do right by EVERYBODY so you have to choose who to do right by.
As a parent your responsibility is to your children. Teach them what is proper behavior in a relationship..
so staying with a man that makes you unhappy, that makes them unhappy, who abuses you (and therefore teaches them that abuse is ACCEPTABLE) is not in THEIR best interest.
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (29 November 2011):
OP don't worry about multiple posts; it's easy to see why this is a difficult decision for you to make.
However, as an outsider it does not seem like a difficult decision. Your follow-up doesn't change my previous advice. I would add the following points in response, though:
1) I don't think it's fair to make your older kids live with this guy "they don't mind". As a starting point that is not good. There doesn't seem to be any positive feeling towards the man. Furthermore, if he takes it upon himself to discipline them- ESPECIALLY if his control-obsessed side comes out again, which I am sure it will based on your original post- they will probably begin to seriously resent and maybe hate him. What happens then? They feel alienated in their own home, they will try and move out as soon as they can, and they will probably avoid having to come back home. If they want to see you they will have to run the gauntlet of seeing him as well and I would think that your relationship with them will become weaker and weaker as they try and avoid your husband; who knows, you might even lose contact with them altogether.
2) He is blackmailing you into moving in with him. That is awful- can you not see he is trying to blackmail you by threatening to run away with your kids? That is not normal behaviour. I think you should seek legal advice asap with regards to this, potentially even informing the police because people don't make threat like that for no reason.
3) You say you are trying to keep everyone happy; that doesn't come across from your post. It sounds like you are trying to keep this man happy and then fit your existing family in around that, trying to justify moving in with him. He is successfully controlling and manipulating you into doing what he wants, or so it seems. Miamine is right, the baby will fine fine without him. The older kids would probably much rather not have him around. You don't seem keen yourself. So, it's HIM who you are trying to keep happy. Please, think about yourself and most importantly your CHILDREN first.
The fact that your husband has no friends or family is not relevant to this question and should not influence your decision making. It doesn't change your problems, except that you need to get some legal advice if he's threatening to take your kids.
Please OP, don't move in with this guy. I can't see anything positive which will come out of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 November 2011):
I hate it when that happens...
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 November 2011):
"I want to do right by everyone but I dont know how to thats why I keep posting"...that's just it. You can't always do right by EVERYBODY, but you CAN do right by your children and yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 November 2011):
"I want to do right by everyone but I dont know how to thats why I keep posting"...that's just it. You can't always do right by EVERYBODY, but you CAN do right by your children and yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 November 2011):
15. Your older kids don't mind him now, but they don't love him, they don't like him much and they are still scared that he'll starting treating them bad again.
16. Your baby loves the dad.. but the baby has not lived with him very long. The baby is very small, and will love anyone. The baby would be dead, if it wasn't for you. The man didn't love the kid enough to give you money to feed it.
17. Your husband threatens to steal your children away. He is blackmailing you to stay. (Your in the UK, he can't do this) GO GET A LAWYER RIGHT AWAY
18. Your husband is so controlling, so selfish, has other kids but spends no money on them, so they hate him and don't want to know him. He is such a bad person, that no other person in the world wants to be friends with him.
17. He has OCD, a mental illness he can get support from the NHS, they will find him some friends he can play with. Tell him to get on the computer and go to this website. http://www.patientslikeme.com. Loads of people there with OCD.. Problem solved, now he has friends.
What's the next problem... what other reason do you have to stay? I've checked your follow up, you talk about what your kids need (and no the older kids don't need this man, THEY STILL HATE HIM AND WANT HIM GONE) You've talked about what this man needs... What about you, don't you need anything. You are going to stay to try to make this man (only him) happy (baby needs only you) You are throwing away your life because you think he's more important that you and your children..
Yep.. checking... it's not there.. NOT ONE SINGLE WORD ABOUT LOVE OR BEING HAPPY. Go call a solicitor, even if it's just to try to protect the children.
You can't stay with him, one day your son will grow up.. and when that happens, he will knock this wicked man out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your posts, you are all right. I keep posting and I probably know the answer. Deep down I am just very scared of making a wrong decision I am torn terribly.My two oldest children are my world I am a devoted Mum to them they dont mind my Husband now, but if he reverts they will hate him. My baby loves his Dad do I split up and feel bad when I see him going back and forth? My Husband said before that if he did not have me he would run away with his kids I am scared of that even. My Husband only has me his family frieds dont bother if I leave him what will he do? I want to do right by everyone but I dont know how to thats why I keep posting I am looking for the impossible answer and torturing myself. Thanks for trying to help and I am sorry for posting too much xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (21 November 2011):
You've already posted this question and received some very good advice. No matter how many times you ask this question, no one here is going to recommend you throw caution to the wind and buy the house with him. No one.
We understand you're scared and you want to make absolutely certain you make the right decision. The problem is there are no absolute certainties, but there are high probabilities.
There is a high probability that your miserly, controlling, miserable husband will be the same miserly, controlling, miserable man after you buy the house. In fact more so because with your savings and your future locked into this house, he'll have you over a barrel.
Your home is supposed to be a sanctuary, a place of refuge, for all who live in it. Your children cannot provide that for themselves yet so they rely on you to do it for them.
We can suggest that you go it alone. This isn't such a stretch when you consider the kind of man you're with. For all intents and purposes you already are alone. You might as well be happy, and your children too. Don't teach them to be dependent upon someone who causes them misery. Show them, by example, that they will thrive by relying on themselves.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2011):
only you can make this choice but it sounds over and over and over like you know what you SHOULD do and just need someone to give you the RIGHT reason to do it?
so if raising your kids to think that emotional abuse and being cruel to the woman you supposedly love and to her children is acceptable is not enough.. what will be?
he is not going to change.....
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Buying a house together will not "change" or "fix" him. Honestly it sounds like you have the kids and a grown up kid too to take care off, that must be exhausting.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): Reading your story you seem stuck in a repetitive cycle and I think at the bottom of this lies your low self esteem. Something continues to tell you to hang in there with this guy and maybe he will come good one day, things will change? That he can heal the hurts he bestowed on you in the past so that will make you feel better? Trust me he won't do any of that. He has shown you his true self - the evidence is there. You want people to give you advice because in itself that is supportive to you - for a time - which is ok.... but it does not seem to move you forward. My best advice to you is to NOT go ahead with this house with him. You are entrenching yourself further under his control. He is already calling the shots about saving etc. I want you to work on YOU not him. I feel like saying to you stop spending all this energy on this man for whom you seem to have no deep love - just duty, subservience and fear. He is sucking the life out of your energy. Think about all the hours per day you worry about this problem.. what could you be doing with that time?! how could you invest that time in yourself and your children on happy projects or pursuits? Why are you keeping yourself in this mental prison? Your instincts about him are correct but you are fighting them off / ignoring them. To move forward you need to free up your thinking so you can step back and see this with fresh eyes on an equal level with improved self esteem. However, i think you are always down low looking up at him - the all powerful man. His world appears dominant and yours follows along - and this would be worse and worse if you move with him. I want you to think about a way you can put this whole thing on ice. What do YOU want to achieve in the next 12 months - given absolute freedom. How can you prioritise your own needs, pure and simple, so that he becomes less dominant. The more confident you get, confident with YOU and your self esteem improves then you will have the courage to deal with this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (21 November 2011):
....in fact I think this is at least the third time you have posted this but I do not have links for the other questions.
That is not a problem however. I want to second Miamine in saying that people are always here to offer advice where they can.
Looking back on Miamine's excellent post, I really want to redouble my urge to you NOT to go ahead with this house. You need to think of how your children will deal with this first and foremost. Please think about your son's anxiety disorder. They are young and vulnerable. They will be far, far happier in a smaller house with a wonderful, kind loving mum which I'm sure you are, than in a bigger house with a man who dislikes them, makes them scared, and who they hate to be around.
You sound like a strong and independent woman who is fully capable of standing on her own two feet and you have clearly overcome very difficult times which your husband has created for you. You have a good independent income. Don't throw all this away. From your previous question it seems like the only reason you wanted to move in together was so that you had a house big enough for all of you.
You need to consider whether that is more important than your and your children's well being. From the posts you have given, I would strongly say that IT IS NOT.
Bricks and mortar are just that, bricks and mortar. They cannot compensate for a selfish and controlling husband who makes your family unhappy and scared.
Don't put your children through this. Also consider, you say your son is better now. Is he aware that he is going to be living with this man again? And if so, how does he feel about it?
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 November 2011):
Yep, remember your last post. We are here, you need to talk and open 24/7 when you need someone. It's always better to try to keep to one post, that way aunts who are interested or who have the relevant experience can find you easily and not miss your latest thoughts. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/on-the-verge-of-buying-a-house-with.html
If you keep posting the same story, and are getting the same advice, you won't hear any different by posting the story again. Your getting the same advice, because people are trying to tell you the right thing to do.
I can understanding that the problem just keeps turning round and round in your head. You present as aged 36-40 and currently living in the UK.
Just wondering, what happened to the first husband? How long have you known your current husband, how long have you been married.
I noticed, in 2 posts - NOT ONE WORD ABOUT LOVING THIS MAN. Instead what you tell us is.
1. He has OCD (mental illness) is obsessive and needs everything clean.
2. He left you in poverty, with children when you couldn't work
3. He hates your children, he shouts at them and makes them scared
4. Your children hate this man you have married, your son got so upset he had to go to counselling.
5. This man is so difficult, it took 4years before you could even consider living with him
6. You are emotionally scared, and so confused that you keep coming here to talk
7. I'm not sure, but I think you have a baby for him - that's why you lost your job, and he left you all alone at this time and gave you no money
8. He is a miser, he doesn't spend money on you or your family
9. He is controlling (this is classed as emotional abuse)
10. Your going to spend more on the house (dangerous with a miser - as he will claim your share and more if ever you split up)
11. He believes in harsh love, doesn't understand that kids need kindness and are not mini adults who understand disappointment.
12. Your son now has anxiety disorder, because he's so frightened at home living with this awful man
13. He's trying hard to be nice at the moment because he's not living with you
14. He is greedy about his own pleasures, he spends all his money on his self and leaves his children to starve
Ok, please do me a favour, DO NOT MAKE ANOTHER POST. Please write back on this post and explain to us why you are still with this guy. I really don't understand. I keep looking for the words "I LOVE HIM".. but they are not there..
Why do you stay with this man? Why did you marry him? Why do you want to buy a house with him? Are you happy with him living in your house?
I wonder about laughter and smiles... does anybody smile where you live? Maybe he's good at sex or something and that's why you want him so bad. Please answer back, I am dying to know what is going on in your head.
Oh, if you have any more links, I'd love to read them. Please copy and paste and stick them on here, so we can see if there is anything more to your story.
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (21 November 2011):
OP I appreciate that you don't have anyone to talk to, however, it strikes me that everyone keeps giving you the same advice, but that you don't want to take it. I don't know if you are expecting everyone to change their minds and suddenly see that actually it's a good idea for you to buy a house together, but I for one am going to stick with what I suggested last time.
You are your children's protector as well as their mother. They must be your number one priority. You have a good income so it sounds as though you don't NEED to move in with this man. Your son has an anxiety disorder and if this is further exacerbated by living with this man then you should not move in with him. I seem to remember that your children don't like him or am I imagining this?
The worst part is the control issue. He can't tell you how much or what to save. He shouldn't be in a position where he can control your or, importantly, your children. He sounds selfish and as though he doesn't care about your son.
I would be scared of him becoming extremely controlling if you buy a house together. You will be tied together financially and it will be hard to get out if anything goes wrong. You won't have your own place to go to.
Stay away from buying the house. You don't have a positive thing to say about this man, but you do have several bad things which are BIG red flags for me, and should be for you. Put your kids first. It doesn't sound as if they need or would even want this man in their life or yours.
I would also say that if you are deeply scarred from living with this man several years ago, then the worst thing you can do is go back and repeat the situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (21 November 2011):
Hi,
You are a very good mother. I am sure he will change, hopefully, and let's pray.... I have to agree with you when you made the comment about spending money on himself, but hesitant when it comes to the kids. it's strange to me that I parent will react in such a way? I don't have kids myself, but I am the kind of person that will do, give everything for my family.... I never did any luxury for myself until this day, if I have extra money, I always spend on my family...
He mentioned about saving money, but he needs plastic surgery? I don't want to stress you out more than you are already. If we keep thinking about all the details, it's just going to make you exhausted. I understand you have your doubts, but if you work hard on the relationship anything is possible. You have to understand that your two sons are from previous marriage. It will take time for your husband to start getting emotionally attached to them. It's sad, but it's true.
My view is, if you love someone, you love everything about the person, including family, children... Unconditional love, whole family equally. But, people like us are rare to find. I personally know friends that are divorced, re-married, and unfortunately the only people that get affected are the children. A friend of mine have a 10 years old daughter that is always left alone in the room. She seems fine, but the young girl is already over weigh. I am sure it's because of her situation. Reality is that 90% of people that re-marry with children, the new partners most of the time do not accept the children, treat differently than their own, it's a fact.
Anyways, be positive, be strong for your kids, your family, your husband. I think that if you continue being an amazing, loving wife, he will eventually
change... Holidays are coming, try to make the best of it. You are the glue that holds the family together. I know it's a huge job...
Best wishes / good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (21 November 2011):
 I have read your post before and it seems that you are still in a mess about what to do!!I would be very reluctant to carry on in this relationship if it were me. The descision is yours and you don,t seem to have plucked up enough courage to do anything about it!He is your second husband and not by all accounts,the love of your life! You can do better!
You have not come to the point where you have really had enough yet,although i suspect its very close. Put some savings away for yourself to put a deposit down on somewhere to rent for you and the kids. You may have to be clever with your cash as it sounds like he is controlling you there also.
Do some figures and work out where you can save without him knowing.You can do this on your own and there are plenty of people who are willing to guide you!
You work very hard and you don,t work to support his spending.Get in control of your cash.Hope this helps!
...............................
|
