A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is lovely 99% of the time but sometimes when hes drunk he can be mean. Not everytime but about 50% of the time that hes drunk he will say things as a joke but i think he means it. An example being at the weekend he said i had a fat face, then talked of how my feet smelled awful (which was a complete lie as igot out the bath 10 mins before he came in) and will do things like play fight but will bite my arm/leg or pull my hair and it really hurts. Ive told him to stop and that hes hurting me and he just laughs and says hes just playing. I just walk away and leave him too it but im a bit worried that hes done this a few times now. Other times when hes drunk hes lovely and soppy. Also when he hasnt had a drink we do play fight and do call each other names in jest but nothing personal and when we play fight hes very gentle. When hes saying things i dont like or hurting me i do tell him at the time and tell him again the next day but now its happened on a few occasions. What do you guys think?
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male
reader, tinybutnotfangless  +, writes (10 October 2014):
 Being drunk, people may do things out of their usual character. It's not something people can normally control. Otherwise, it wouldn't be called "being drunk" right? If his "Doctor Jekyll/Mr Hyde" only happens when he's drunk, even if it's half the time, the problem is still that he gets like that when he's drunk. Therefore, he has to stop being drunk.
So either he learns to control his drinking habits, up until he knows the next drink will get him drunk or he continues drink to get drunk. There isn't much you can do, unless you decide to dump him and find another guy who can get drunk without being mean.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): Hi, thanks for your answers. Hes not an alcoholic. He drinks once a fortnight ish and gets drunk around once a month, so this happens around every 8 weeks or so. He gets drunk with a particular group of friends and they all do it to 'have fun'.
In all honestly our friends do often drink to get drunk so thats not unusual and usually i'd be fine with my partner getting drunk but just not when he acts this way.
Thanks again for your responses
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 October 2014):
 I think you are deluding yourself.
I live and love with an alcoholic. My husband can be a loving drunk, but that gets old. when he's an angry drunk he is dangerous and i have to leave my home for my own safety.
THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE.... and you will have this life too if you stay with an alcoholic.
time to go.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 October 2014):
 Not to put too fine a point on it, but I think too that you are dating an asshole. He may be good 99% of the times but ... it's like ink in a glass of milk. It may be just a little drop, but it makes the whole glass unpalatable and undrinkable.
Particularly about the part when he is physically hurting you. What part of " stop, you hurt me, don't ever do that " he can't understand ?
Who frigging cares if he is " just playing " - it takes two to play a game, and if you are not having fun and don't want to play- he should just respect that .
If he does not, either when he is drunk he is so out of it that he does not understand what he is being told ( and then he is DANGEROUS ), or he understands , but he is selfish and entitled and does not give a fuck as long as he is having fun.
I must say that a little responsibility for this, you have it too. You set the general tune for your relationship in daily life, when he is not drunk, and if at 30-35 , your relationship includes playfighting, being rough, and calling each other names " in jest "... sorry , I could never understand adults who do that. Respect is inward and outward , it's in the intentions but also in the gestures and words you use with each other. It's in the spirit of the thing , but in the letter too.
If you get into the habit to let your bf handle you as if you were his 3rd grade buddy , rather than his Gf,- then there may be situations ( like being drunk ) when this behaviour escalates and gets out of control and becomes really too much.
I'll give you a stupid yet, I hope, fitting example.
Suppose you have an inconsiderate bf who when he gets up in the morning slams doors, bangs pots and pans in the kitchen, sings aloud, etc.. without caring if you or other people are asleep. And suppose you don't say anything because, for the rest , he is " lovely ". Then, you can be sure that first time he comes home drunk, he'll make suck an infernal ruckus that he will wake up the whole block and the neighbours will call the police.
While, if he had learned to be considerate and mindful of other people's comfort, even as a drunk, he would never totally lose his grasp on his ingrained
" considerate " behavior, and he'd reach his bed with maybe a little more noise than usual, but not too much.
- But, never mind that. I thought of mentioning my opinion because that's what DC is also for- sharing opinions. But, perhaps it's me - maybe I am too
" persnickety " ( a great new world that I just learned on DC. Persnickety ! Lovely word. )
So: you want to act as if you were still rambunctious kids , fine . You want to exchange verbal abuse as terms of endearment , your choice.
Just please make sure , next time, you do not do that with a mean-spirited, ill -tempered raging alchoolic. It may end badly.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (8 October 2014):
 My ex husband was an alcoholic and a mean one, a VERY mean one. After living with him for 15 years and then divorcing him what do I say? RUN...as fast as you can and never look back. Alcoholics are assholes. They don't care about anyone but themselves. IF you've got a boyfriend who gets mean when he gets drunk, you've got a problem. He should be nice to you 100% of the time. Being drunk doesn't give him the right to be mean. Find a man who knows when to quit drinking and is nice to you 100% of the time. Otherwise, you'll have a life of hell. Been there..done that.
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A
male
reader, tinybutnotfangless +, writes (8 October 2014):
99% of the time, he's a lovely, but the real question is, how often does he get drunk? From the sound of your inquiry, it looks like he gets drunk often enough to bother you enough to post your question here. So again, how often does he really get drunk? If he's doing this once or twice per year and he's a mean drunk half that, then once a year being a meany can be brushed off as being a temporary jerk. However, if he's getting drunk every weekend, during holidays, during weddings, special anniversaries, etc, then that's a lot more than 1% being a jerk. Regardless, you need to set some boundaries here if he's going overboard. Clearly, he's not taking you seriously, since the play fighting seem to be telling him that what you're saying is not really that big of a deal. When he is sober, you sit him down and make sure you tell him and he needs to acknowledge this. When I say acknowledge, I don't mean his response is "Yeah, sure." What I mean is he says he recognizes the problem and that he will make sure not to do it again.However, everyone knows that this is a fantasy ideal. The problem isn't that he's a mean drunk 50% of the time. The problem is that he gets drunk. Why is he getting drunk? I am a sad drunk. I have a lot of issues over my lifetime that when I drink, make me super depressed and down. Besides having a liver problem, the other biggest reason I quit drinking was because I would say some hurtful things to my wife. I quit alcohol because I didn't want to potentially hurt my wife again. If you are important enough to him and it is a problem when he drinks, then what he should really be doing is reassess his alcohol consumption and drink less. The rhetoric is: Why does he drink to get drunk?
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