A
female
age
41-50,
*ulliet
writes:Dear Aunts,I am a single mother of two loving boys, 12 and 5 years old. I am currently in nursing college. I have a boyfriend and we've been together for five years. We met 6 months after I got my second child. My children adore and loves him, and I think he loves them too; However, sometimes he gets real mean to them. I DO NOT stand for that. Whenever Mr. MEAN comes around I ask him to leave, or I give it to him straight. I always tell him these are my kids to handle, and my love for them will always be number one. However, for the most part he is really really nice to them. He tells them he loves them; he surprises them with toys; he shows his great affection towards them. My problem is recently my intuition has been telling me to let him go; I really love him, but I love my kids more and I never want to see them hurt or sad. I really don't know what to do. Also, I am worried if I break it off with him; how will it affect my kids because they adore him. Am I reading too much into this little voice inside of me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, xclamation point  +, writes (13 August 2011):
Julliet: You say that your problem is "recently my intuition has been telling me to let him go" and I say AMEN. Never doubt your gut - it always tells the truth. If you keep rationalizing and delaying taking action it won't get any easier to end things. Is it a good thing that your children "adore" their abuser? I think not. They are already in an unhealthy behavior pattern if they cling to a man who is temperamental and unpredictably hurtful to them. They probably treat him good for your sake because they know you want him. Although my advice is blunt, I feel for you, having been in the same situation at an earlier point in my life. Make the tough choice, stick to it and never look back or you will carry a heavy burden of guilt for the rest of your life. Find someone who respects you and accepts your motherhood as an integral part of who you are and what is special about you. Just forget about "John's heart" being broken when you're the one who already has a broken heart.
Consider this: A man who tries to make a woman choose between her children and himself is a creep: he is selfish, immature and irresponsible. He isn't telling you the truth either - the truth being that he resents your kids so much he can't contain his anger toward you for having had them but is too much of a coward to say so to your face and so he takes it all out on them. Be strong and I wish you all the best. Things will get better when you deal with this.
Sure its hard to
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (7 August 2011):
 juliett, i don't doubt that you love your children very much and they are well behaved and good mannered because you have been raising them in home with love and respect and plenty of your attention. i'm afraid that this is enough to make some men actually JEALOUS of the children. he probably would prefer the children to not even be there.
tripping the children and slyly hurting them is SADISTIC. if you tolerate this then who knows what it could develop into. the sort of man you should be with is one who would be horrified at the thought of tripping a little child etc. a REAL man. john is a sorry excuse for a real man. you say he is the only male role model your boys have got - well, to be honest they would be much better off without his poisonous influence in their life. this can make your lovely little boys grow up twisted into men who have major emotional and mental problems, and they will have hate for you that you sat back and allowed it to happen, just so that you could have a boyfriend!
an ex friend of mine grew being subject to violence and verbal abuse, plus the mental cruelty of being ignored by his dad, and seeing the dad also batter his mum and smash the house up. he grew up to be a chronic user of women, have drug problems, depressive problems and inability to have real relationships without cheating. no respect for women, just like his dad and felt like his mum let him down by not throwing the dad out. his sisters also grew up and married abusive men, all three kids grew up to be ruined adults because of one pathological man.
please do the right thing for your sons - you are the only one they've got and they are depending on YOU to protect them. cut john out of your lives, you don't need to ask your eldest child what he thinks, he will probably say he wants him to stay - like battered wives stick with their husbands coz they are just hoping for the man to change and your children also will want you to be happy. YOU are the grown up, YOU make the choice, its not fair to ask a little boy to do this for you!
if child welfare get involved you may have the right to make a decision taken out of your hands. is john worth losing the kids for? there are millions of other men in the world that you could get a relationship with, rather than this child abusing creep you are currently with
x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): You have an obligation to protect your children at all costs. You have an obligation to those kids to put them BEFORE your own desires.Go to badbreeders.com and read what happens to children when their own mothers don't protect them.
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (7 August 2011):
Hi Julliet
I have to add my voice to Cindycares and Youwish. They've really hit the nail on the head. Read their advice and take it to heart. Of course it's not going to be easy for you, but for the sake of your little one you need to take control of what's going on here and make protecting your children the top priority.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 August 2011):
 I PROFOUNDLY second Cindy's advice. That isn't "Mr. Mean" who deserves a talking to. He is a hateful abuser who is HURTING your kids. This guy's heart deserves not one IOTA of consideration. If he is laying a finger on your kids (tripping?! Are you serious!?!??), he's gone. NO discussions. No talking it out. No wavering. No pining. No "but I love him". No "I don't want to take his influence away"...etc.
Do you realize what kind of hideous damage he's doing to your kids right now by hurting them??? Do you realize the damage YOU'RE doing to your kids by allowing him to? If you stay with this guy, it's like YOU'RE tripping your kids. YOU'RE bruising your kids. YOU'RE pushing the kids with your foot. If you stay, you are an accessory to child abuse. Do you know that??
You need to get your head on straight and stop hurting your kids. Yes, I said YOU are hurting your kids by your wishy-washyness and allowing your boyfriend, who should be SO MUCH LESS important than your own flesh and blood to abuse them. How would you feel if he was tripping you? Pushing you with his foot, and bruising you? What if it was a little kitten you had that he was abusing like that?? And why the hell are you terrified of "arguing" with him? Is he abusing you?
Protect your children. Not tomorrow. Not after you build up the courage. Not after you had some sort of "heart to heart" talk with your boyfriend. But now. This guy is gone. If he is loving to you and abusive towards your children, then he is a MONSTER.
Your kids are loving now, but that won't be the case soon. How many more bruises or broken bones or dislocated shoulders or pinched sciatic nerves will it take for you to actually be a real mom? END THIS GUY. Trust me, your kids will be happier not getting abused.
There should be no hesitation. No feelings for this guy. Seriously, could you love someone who hurts your kids on a regular basis? If I even THOUGHT that someone was hurting my son, I would rip his face off of his skull! THAT is a mother...one who lays down her life for her kids.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 August 2011):
 Ok, by now I know that the Aunts are supposed not to be judgemental and all that, but, sorry, I cannot take it, some things just make my blood boil, so.... hallo, Julliet,welcome among the awake, what have you being doing lately ?Drinking massive amounts of poppyseed infusion?...
Switch back to regular coffee, Julliet, so you will be conscious enough to realize you are enabling some guy you have the hots for to abuse your child. Yes, abuse,this is abuse, and the fact that he is sly makes it just more disgusting. Come on,the guy TRIPS a young kid to make him fall,he deliberately stomps on his feet,you find mysterious bruises on the boy.... and you hear a tiny voice that whispers " uhm... I wonder if " ?! I think you should hear a big loud voice which says " Get out of here real fast,you loser,before you lift a finger on my kid once more and I am compelled to detach your penis from your body and serve it to you for breakfast".
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female
reader, Julliet +, writes (7 August 2011):
Julliet is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for the great adivce everyone. Your words of wisdom is exactly what I needed. However, I haven't spoken to my boyfriend as yet. Right now we're at odds and I will have a serious talk with him when we're both in the right state of mind. The last thing I want to do is argue. I hate doing that...:)...thx...:)
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 August 2011):
After reading your follow up I see there's definitely something wrong with his behavior towards your children. He's hurting them, but being sneaky about it. That's a red flag, a big one. That said, you told us your kids "adore him" so if they do he must compensate a lot for that bad behavior. Also, I have been raised through fists (had a black eye at one point when I was 10) and I can't say I didn't deserve to get smacked when I did because I could be quite a handful. It did stop me from rebelling because my dad didn't just smack me around for the heck of it. He did it when I was exhibiting unacceptable behavior. That said, my mother was able to silence me with one word and has been physically weak ever since I was born (MS). If I had to say who I respect more, it's my mother. So I would sit down and talk to John first before leaving permanently. Tell him the truth. If he's a suitable partner, he should be able to take it without throwing a tantrum. So tell him that you've noticed he sometimes hurts the kids when he thinks you're not looking and that you are so hurt and shocked by this you're considering to leave him over it. Tell him you can see where his approach to disciplining kids comes from, but that you choose not to be violent with them. It is a sign of weakness after all. That should shake him up. If his reaction is satisfactory you can talk about how to reach a resolution you're both happy with. Keep your eye on him, incase he falls back into old habits. If he reacts badly, leave him without question. Your kids will get over it. The most important thing to them is to have a strong mother who is there for them no matter what. Disciplining through violence can easily go wrong. So, in short, think it over well, talk it over well, but follow your heart/gut.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): After reading your response and explaining what you mean when you say he is being 'mean' to your youngest makes me think you are right to be worried. Violence solves nothing, what makes him think he can treat your child in that way!! And he does it when you are not watching...strange. You are very right to be worried indeed but if he is treating you child in this manner then there is only one thing to do....leave him.
Do not ask you eldest how he would feel as that is then putting him in a position, you can explain things if and when you break things off with your partner.
You said it yourself, your children will always come first and your lovr for them is greater...as hard as it will be for you there is only when answer here, you and your kids are better off without him. Keep us updated with what you decide to do!!
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 August 2011):
 As a single mom, YES, by all means LISTEN to that little voice inside your head with what you think is best for your children.
If you have their best interests at heart and he does not..there is a problem.
If your children have become accustomed to your bf as their Father, you have another layer of possible problems.
If you have allowed him to become a co-parent with you and has responsibility towards them..then he has a right to discipline them as well.
Since you did not give any examples of what you say is mean..it makes it harder for aunties to respond with what would be unreasonable.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 August 2011):
As a single mom, YES, by all means LISTEN to that little voice inside your head with what you think is best for your children.
If you have their best interests at heart and he does not..there is a problem.
If your children have become accustomed to your bf as their Father, you have another layer of possible problems.
If you have allowed him to become a co-parent with you and has responsibility towards them..then he has a right to discipline them as well.
Since you did not give any examples of what you say is mean..it makes it harder for aunties to respond with what would be unreasonable.
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female
reader, Julliet +, writes (6 August 2011):
Julliet is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the response...It speaks to me on many levels. When I say "Meanie," here's an example. My youngest like to follow him around and whenever my child is in his way; he would trip him so that he falls, or if the child plays around him with his tiny cars...I'll hear the child say ouch...and I would ask what's wrong and he would John hurt me. Meanwhile I don't see it, but then he will have bruises on his little foot. One day I saw the grown up sitting on the couch and the child playing around him and he was bumping into the John playfully and John pushed him with his foot. Instead of telling the child I don't like it when you play around me...He hurts the child. My kids are great well behaved kids. Good manners and they don't whine, but they love to jump around, run around, and wrestle with each other while this bothers him a lot in no way it gets in my way. I love to hear their noise and laughter. I do discipline my kids but not with my fist and that's the how he thinks I should discipline my kids; this is where we disagree. I don't have a problem with him and my older child it's just with my younger child. Regardless of the way John treats my youngest child; he still goes around him and plays around him. I don't get it. I really don't want to break it off with him. I am just caught between my love for him and my love for my kids. My next question, is it a good idea to ask my older child how he would feel if John and I were no longer together? Or would that be just wrong to put a child in that position. The kids father lives in South America and he doesn't see them, so John is their only male influence I'd hate to take that away from them. Their father cheated on my three times; that's the reason I left him, so he decided he wanted to be with the other girl over visiting with his kids regularly. I just want to do whatever it will take to make my kids happy because I don't want them to feel like second choice to anyone. Also, I don't want to break John's heart because I know he loves me.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 August 2011):
Yes, what does "mean" mean? If he's hitting them or calling them names or demeaning them, I'd say this is a no-brainer. Get rid of the guy LIGHTNING quick.
However, if "meanness" simply means impatience or a slightly raised voice when telling them to do something or taking issue with something not done or breaking up a sibling argument, then maybe a meeting of the minds is needed.
This response from you: "Whenever Mr. MEAN comes around I ask him to leave, or I give it to him straight. I always tell him these are my kids to handle, and my love for them will always be number one." What does that mean?
While this is true that you are the number one parent, constantly reminding your BF that he doesn't matter in the household is counterproductive. When "Mr. Mean" comes in, the thing to say is "Get out of the house" if he's TRULY being mean, not that he has no say. If you leave the kids in his care and are not there, he does have a say!
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (6 August 2011):
 While you don't tell us what you mean, by being mean, I think you really need to sit down and have a talk with your boyfriend. There is a fine line for "step-parents" and what they can and can't do and what is acceptable or not acceptable in any given relationship.
From the sounds of it, you perhaps have two different styles of raising children. He demands discipline and you, perhaps are more lax.
As you go further into this relationship and your children get older, the boys' problems and predicaments generally get more bigger. You've got to ask yourself, if this is the type of man you want helping raise your children? In addition, if you decide to have a family of your own, will you be compatible in terms of your children's discipline.
This is a big deal and you may want to see a therapist to help sort this out.
Finally, if there is emotional or physical abuse -- for the sake of your children -- PLEASE end the relationship now. Your love life should NOT come at the expense of your children.
Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): Maybe u are too soft in your way of disciplinig them
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reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 August 2011):
you have to look at this honestly and throughoghly. when you say he is 'mean' what does that mean?? what is he doing? is he merely reprimanded them for bad behaviour or is he doing something worse? really, parents do not like to find fault in their own children, but maybe it is there. are they badly behaved? is he snappy with them coz he is in a bad mood already or tired? if so, tell him not to bother coming around when he is in that sort of mood. regarding the toys he surprises them with, does he do this coz he feels guilty after he has been mean to them? if so, that is wrong. it is not right to emotionally hurt someone and then give them a gift to patch over it. sure its great for the kids coz they get a new toy, but long term i don't think this is giving them the right lesson.
so may be over reacting OR you might have genuine cause for concern and if that is the case then yes, either have very serious words with him so it STOPS or break up with him, coz your children will not thank you in the future when they grow up with emotional problems that you could have prevented
x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): It depends what you mean when you say he is being a 'meanie'. Give us an example?? You maybe over reacting but unless we know what you mean we can't really help you. He has brought your two children up for 5 years especially your youngest...do they see him has daddy or do they see their own dad? If he is bringing your children up has his own then he should be allowed to discipline them when they are naughty but as I said it depends what you mean by 'meanie'They are your children and of course they must come first and always will but you say he is good with them and the children adore him so what is it you mean? Is it just an excuse to leave him? I am failing to understand because if he was that bad then you would just leave him surely?!?
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