A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Long story short, my boyfriend of a year cheated on me with a one night stand. We got in a fight, I said really mean hurtful things I didn't mean and told him I never wanna talk to you again! Well the next night, he went out, got really drunk and had sex with a girl he didn't know. He says he freaked out during sex and told the girl he shouldn't be doing this and left. He never told me, we got back together the next day bc I called and apologized but now I just heard this from a random person and he admitted it. He says he really thought we were done and says he regrets it in every way even if we hadnt gotten back together. He says he didn't know how much I loved him but knows now since I got so upset and will do ANYTHING to have me back. I truly believe he's a good man and is apologetic. What do you think? Once a cheater always a cheater? Or can a good man just make a bad mistake?
View related questions:
cheated on me, drunk, got back together, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2011): Men desire freedom above a lot of things in life. To an extent, men are like children. Men like to test to see how far they can go, and still have the woman. A subconscious testing of the waters so to speak. This is the reason why many men leave when the women when they "suffocate" them.
Sadly, only mature men realize that they can't have their cake and eat it too. That everything is both give and take, liberty and restriction. Good men realize that staying faithful to that special woman in their lives is extremely important, and that they can get their "freedom" or "liberty" need in other arenas of life, such as sports, work, or a hobby.
So, in short, immature men don't realize this aspect. This isn't to say that once a cheater always a cheater, but if he knows that he can get away with it once, he will do it again and again. Why? Because he isn't losing any liberty or freedom. He gets everything he (thinks) desires without paying any price for it. It is kinda like as a kid growing up. You always took better care of the toys you paid for, not the ones your parents gave you.
Good luck to you!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): I was with my last partner for 10 years and we never had one fight. I don't understand why people would stay in relationships where you regularly have arguments that go so far as to say things like you want a divorce. That's behaing like kids at school not grown adults.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): I am married and when we have fights and either one says they want out / divorce, does it mean that we really do want A divorce? During our fights i have also told him that i hate him. So do i really hate him or in the heat of the moment harsh words are said?OP, your bf cheated. Lets not mince words or look at technicality.The question u need to ask is this: can u learn to trust him again?can u trust him not to go out and f*ck someone else the next time u both fight?Can u work through whatever issues u two have?So the question now is : he cheated, where to from here?LoveGirl
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (6 August 2011):
 What was the fight about?
Technically, he wasn't cheating.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 It depends if this was really cheating. If he thought you guys were broken up, then I suppose he was in the clear. However, being that he had a guilty conscious during the act, indicates to me that he was still on the fence in terms of your relationship.
I think you need to take a good, hard look at his character. Is he the type of guy that cares about you and is going to stick with you, even when times are rough, and not go running off to the nearest willing woman? Is the next big argument going to cause him to go out and find another one night stand?
Did he put your life and your health at risk and let you know he had been with someone else (from the sounds of it, no)?
People can change but they have to be truly remorseful and the relationship has to be worth saving in their minds. You will also have to be patient and see how this affects your ability to bring up touchy subjects. I am sure on some level, you'll always be worried that if you upset him too much he'll go off to another woman.
Only you can determine for yourself whether you still have enough respect for your boyfriend and whether he has come completely clean in his indiscretions.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 We are all human, we make mistakes.
Your BF was upset and I may say he was not on the right mind when he was with that woman. It was perhaps his way to get over you, consciously or unconsciously we make mistakes then after regret doing it.
I should say, forgive your BF and talk to him and don't dwell much of his mistakes on whether or not he cheated on you or he is a cheater. Don't make any judgement but instead work out on how you will understand each other, communicate with each other, know what you both want and not want...meet half-way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 August 2011):
 hi,He couldn't manage to stay faithful even in the first 12 months? That alone would have made me ditch him if I were in your position.Infidelity is not something I want to ever try. It is a betrayal of trust. It breaks the unwritten contract between the couple. it is an integrity issue. Commitment, Character and being honorable make enduring relationships. Infidelity can destroy all of the above. And because I have seen the pain infidelity causes to so many. Maybe too, because I am aware of a couple, where the man was not even faithful at his own wedding. And was found in a cupbard at his own wedding, with a bridesmaid! And yet year after year his wife forgives him, still. And still she stays with him, though she long ago lost confidence in herself. And she has lost friends who just cannot counsel her any longer, in the face of her persistent tendency to forgive him. She used to disbelieve that he was ever unfaithful. But too many things have happened. So she knows it is true. I still see her, for daytime meals. But her husband is not invited to my home. Her forgiveness continues, despite him giving her STDs on more than one occasion.I don't imagine your guy is that bad.But it seems prudent to tell you that even worse case scenario guys do exist..Your guy certainly did not sit home reflecting on the last 12 months and how he could have done things differently? Or how he could made things more pleasant during the relationship? Instead he did a very traditional thing and went out to drown his sorrows. He could have left it at that. But then he went one better??? And had a one night stand. Which he never intended that you would find out? Or would he have told you maybe? You will never know. At least he did not try to deny it when you did eventually get told. (though not by him, initially) At the very least your boyfriend has poor judgement, his impetuous nature will get him in trouble if he can't curb that tendency, and what else hasn't he toldyou?You clearly care. And you want to give him another chance, otherwise you would have ditched him by now.Give him a time period of an (up to) 12 months chance, if you must. But tell him to be utterly honest with you. Have a regular discussion with him on your shared values, attitudes, directions, motivations, plans for the future. Explore more about where you are in syc and where you differ.Request candor from him at all times. Explore together your attitudes to infidelity. And any other issue that might affect your long term future together. If the two of you are meant to be together you will survive this.And at the very least at the end of the (up to) 12 months you will know where you both stand and whether or not you can extend the 12 months into a lifetime commitment.My best wishes to you both as you explore as long as it takes to discover it you are meant to be as a long term couple, together.
...............................
A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (6 August 2011):
 Well if he thought you were truly done with the relationship, then he hasn't really cheated. But it seems as though he really does care about you. And if you believe that overall he's a good man, then why not give it another shot.
...............................
|
