A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im not really sure where to start with this mess that I am in. Im in a relationship and have been for a very long time but at the end of last year, even though I have never even looked in the direction of another man since we have been together I met someone that I became crazy about. It was not intended to turn out this way.I suffered in silence for a good few months and the guy was blissfully unaware what he was doing to me, I knew he liked me but I thought it was a faze that would pass, perhaps the by-product of being flattered however as time went on I was finding it unbareable to be around him. I have never wanted someone so much so fighting myself, I distanced from him as much as possible but he became inquisitive and hurt that I was avoiding him. This was even more painful so I decided to approach him and explain exactly why I could have no more to do with him. Thats where the mess started, I poured my heart out and went to leave but he held me in his arms and said he had feelings too. Speechless, I thanked him for not thinking I was an obsessed weirdo and left promptly. Sleep was lost and guilt took over, being so honest with another man felt so wrong but he wouldn't go away, I couldn't get him off my mind. Naively, I thought maybe I needed to get him out of my system and it would all go away so arranged to meet up. We spent the night together and it was heavenly. I didn't want to go home in the morning. Almost 12 months have passed and I feel stronger than ever for this guy but I am terribly ashamed of what I have done. Its not that I dont care for my partner, I do but something has been missing between us for quite some time. If your wondering why I didn't just leave, its not as simple as falling out of love and meeting someone new. My partner is the father of my kids, my financial rock and my best friend. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): GIRL, do what your heart tells you to do... I myself am a cheater and now it's hurting me big time... NOT gonna get into my life story... I do not deserve my boyfriend cause of what I did... He is not perfect himself - he was married when I started with him (22 yrs ago) -- so we both had our shares --- I stay cause of financial reasons which is WRONG -- I also feel inside I still care a great deal for him...
All I ever wanted in life was someone to make me their woman and I never got that...
Girl, do what your heart tells you to do...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): we are not judging you. we do not agree with your modus operandi and someone needs to tell you what you need to hear. if we all told you what you only wanted to hear this defeats the whole exercise. you will continually think you are justified in sleeping with this other man yet expect your partner to pay and support you. you deliberately cheated and you know you will not stop. you have the best of both worlds and only one person here is getting a raw deal. and this person is obviously not you.
"I dont deserve to be on my own all the time with the kids..." i just want to point out that you are not with your kids when you are having sex frequently with your lover. where are your concerns then for your kids? you know you will not keep to any deadline. we all can use mere words but it is the execution of these words that needs to be seen. you are in financial heaven right now......you know you wouldn't want to changet this situation. it works for you!
"...think some of these aunts need to be dealing with their own bitterness for relationships lost before they start making aggressive comments..." what did you expect. all the aunts here to console you for f*cking another man while pretending to be "a good person". you are just upset that the aunts have a realistic perception of life and what it holds. you cannot faults us for being blatantly honest and seeing this situation for what it really is.
please release your partner. let him go out and find the "good person" he so deservingly needs in his life. you have your lover so good luck.
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A
male
reader, infinitieye  +, writes (10 June 2009):
Well a number of people have really given some harsh answers here. Anyone who quickly jumps to such a conclusion has most likely not faced the problems you're facing. I have and this is what I would advise.
First of all, be honest to yourself and to him. That means disclosing the incident and revealing what your feelings are. You should get counseling to help you. Secondly, you need to address what is wrong in the relationship. What is missing? Is it intimacy, is it a feeling of not being needed, do you not love him anymore??? This means a commitment by both of you to truly see what is missing and if it can be fixed. This involves couples counseling as well. Keep in mind that in order for this "exploration" to take place you'll need to let go of any feelings you may for the other person and discontinue the affair. Without doing so, it will be hard to make any decisions. Trust me, as hard as it is, your mind is clouded over by the emotions you feel for the other person. When all is said and done, I think that you'll be more satisfied if you can look at yourself, your significant other and your kids and tell them you've done all you could and that you truly feel you've made the right decisions. I won't kid you, none of this is easy or quick.
The hardest part is the conflict, which is what I still deal with even today. Do you stay or do you go? I'm afraid the only one that will or can eventually answer that is you but if you feel strongly for the father of your kids, you should take the time find out all of this. At this point you don't know. Breaking up is a possibility but consider everything first. There are those who just jump ship in these situations but who's to say that the problems you have here won't reoccur in the next relationship. You can't have a successful one without knowing who you are first. Lastly, you're not a bad person. You're just human. It sounds like you care so try and work it through regardless of what the outcome might be. Hope that is helpful. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): Poster: Thank you for the last few comments. I know what I have to do. Its hard but fair. I think setting a dealine is a good idea. Thanks for the advice x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): At my time in life I don't judge anymore. Over and over again I have seen good, kind, loving men and women with these problems. The most important thing for people to realise is that their sexuality is at their very heart and soul, it's what motivates us, and it's not something that you can deny. IF you can't control your desires, well, you just can't. You really have to sit down and work out a plan for the future: if you can't be faithful to your current partner, leave him, and set yourself a deadline to do it.
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A
female
reader, always.you +, writes (9 June 2009):
 wow okay the people that are saying hurtful things to you fuck them. Yeah you made a mistake people do and what you did was wrong. Look you need to be straight with the other man and with your partner you need to come out and be honest aboutt things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): I am the Poster: I just wanted to say that I dont see how you can come to these conclusions with the small part of the story that you know. I think some of these aunts need to be dealing with their own bitterness for relationships lost before they start making aggressive comments to people like me that know they have done wrong and are prepared to seek help.
I will take all of the constructive comments on board. Despite what you think I am a good person, as for me not deserving him your right, I dont deserve to be on my own all the time with the kids while he is out living a bachelors life, nor do I deserve to be scrutinized for everything I attempt to do to improve our situation. He is only my financial rock because he wanted me to leave my job not because I choose to sponge from him and the only reason our money is in trouble is because of his inability to control spending. I am not excusing my behaviour and I am not leaving him in the dark about all this, I have offered endless lines to allow us to talk and work through it but he is a believer in 'ignorance is bliss'. I accept some of the blame.....but not all of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): i agree fully with holikdad. you have no morals and you don't deserve the financial security and the best friend relationship with your partner. you have lied and cheated so much. you wouldn't even know the truth if it was staring you in the face. please leave with partner and go to that other man. strange that this other man doesn't want to be with you fully.. he will just use you for sex and expect your bf to feed and clothe you and also provide a roof over your head. you are cheap seconds and this is what your lover is getting. you do not care about your bf so please do not lie. it amounts to nothing. your morals and past behaviour speaks the language that your words do not. you have had it so good- a f*ck buddy and a faithful man. are you not being greedy now. the only thing you will miss with your bf is his finances. you will continue stealing from him and excuse this behaviour by your messed up justification of you f*cking around. please if you do one good decent thing in your life, end it with your bf. he deserves this. and i believe there are good decent women who will be knocking at his door. you have had your fun and your games it is time to stop playing games with this mans life.
i actually think you will not do the right thing here. you are the type of person who will still f*ck around and expect another man to pay for your existence. you will also gladly receive his hard earned money while you still betray him. you know you will not end your affair then who will provide the goodies for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): My partner ...........my financial rock ....." please stop deluding yourself. you have proven that women like you have no scruples about stealing from other men. this faithful man's resources are being plummeted by you. you are delibertaely stealing from him. you are using him financially. you do not deserve him. so please get out of his life. you have no right to mercilessly use his finances yet you f*ck another man. do the right thing here and get out. release this man so that he can find another loyal faithful woman. women that steal men's wealth make me sick! you stay for yourself not because of any loyality to him. you will continue to plander and steal from this decent man. you have no remorse for f8cking another man yet you destroy this decent man. your kids will survive, they know that your partner is decent, he will provide for them. you are justa greedy *itch who wants to have it all. a man to f*ck her on the side and a loving loyal man to steal from. do not make excuses for your behaviour. you know exactly what you are doing so please do not ly. just leave and let this man get on with his wife. he deserves happiness and you can continue getting your sexualo kicks from this other man. the only thing you will not have is your current partners finances to share in. shame on you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): your case is quite similar as mine. the only different is i decided to left my bf of 7 years relationship( who is very caring, 100%faithful, responsible and loving person). i choosed the other guy whom i had affair with for about a year behind my ex back. i left my ex because i feeling something is missing in the relationship. he proposed few times for my hand in marriage over the past 2 years but i cant bring myself to accept him. i just not ready for that. He is quite possessive kinda bf. However i knew he love me with his whole heart. One day, i met this guy (L) and we kinda hit off straight away. L is my current bf now. He knew my past relationship. He is very good to me too and we can communicate n he respect me, not being overly possessive too. HE seem like a perfect guy to me. i thought i really love L. Therefore i choosed to end my 7 years relationship with my then bf. My ex was very hurt and beg me many times to take him back. He promised to change his bad attitude and he really improving himself n put alot of effort to win my heart back. i am very touched by all his efforts. Even now after 6 mths passes, my ex is stilling waiting for me to go back to his side. Actually in this 6 mths, i tried my best to forget my ex and start fresh with my current bf, L. However, my love for him getting more distant each day. L doesnt know about this. he trying his best to make me feel happy and comfortable with him. Now, i terribly missing my ex bf. I really wish i can just run back to my ex arm and hug him tightly and tell him i miss him so much and lets mend back the relationship but..i cant do this because i cheated him behind his back, i already intimacy with L, iam not a good person. I so unfaithful to the perosn who give all his heart out to me. All this while, my ex doesnt know L exist even till now. How can i possible go back to him and keep this secret 4ever in my heart? i feel so guilty if i not telling my ex about L, but if i tell him, my ex might hate me n forever dissappear from my life. Now, i hanging upside down. i cant move on with L and i cant go back to my ex... i feel so empty...therefore, u must think very carefully, do u actaully love this guy or it is u just lonely & feel empty, if u made wrong decision, u might end up just like me- miserable, headache, heart broken , guilty, upset and aimless.
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (9 June 2009):
I know what's missing....your morals. Leave your partner he's better off without you. And if he's a good father make sure not to keep the kids from him. Your children shouldn't suffer because you're a twisted cheater.
There was nothing wrong with your relationship before this happened. This is a mental defense mechanism that cheaters use to justify their actions. Your relationship was fine, probably much better than others you've seen.
Admit what you've done and quietly excuse yourself from the relationship. That way your partner can move on with some who has better morals and can be faithful. You don't deserve the financial security and best friend relationship that he now provides.
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (9 June 2009):
 No need to feel guilty, you have the right to your experiences whether you think they are good or not so good so relax for the moment while I talk to you. In your situation the more you find something taboo and the more you push it away and the more wrong it feels can have its own strange attraction which has an almost magnetic pull toward you. I can't tell you to forget about your feelings, life is not like that but the fact that you still feel this way after 12 months leads me to think that there are be issues in your existing relationship you may need to confront. Giving advice is easy as it comes from the observer and often our 'advice' is based on our own experiences. Why don't you take step 1 and see a phychologist. They should help you to explore issues in your existing relationship, once this is being dealt with your mixed feeling may settle down and you will gain more control of your life. Give it ago, what do you have to lose except a lot of suffering. I'll be thinking of you and hope that helps too.
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