A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a real problem and need some honest advice.I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. During this time we have had problems a because he is a flirt and loves attention. I have never had proof that hes cheated, but often found flirty messages he has sent to girls. About 6 months ago I got sick and tired of it and finished it. He was devastated and begged for me to take him back, but I was furious that he was still sending messages like that. Anyway,in our time apart I ended up sleeping with an old friend of mine (who my boyf HATES-but this was NOT intentional) My boyf found some texts on my phone so I confessed to everything. He was so mad but forgave me and within 3 days we were back together. I suppose I thought this had given him a walk up call. We have spent 2 months being unbelievably happy, he has told me every day how much he wants to marry me and spend his life with me.However, something didn't feel right this wkend, so after checking his phone on monday, I found out that he had been cheating on me. He wouldn't admit everything, but I spoke to the girl and he had taken her out a couple of times, bt they had not slept together, just kissed. Turns out he had taken her out the day before I found the message and then came home to me,telling me about how much he wanted to be with me for life!!!I have kicked him out, he is going through the motions of apologies, telling me he needs help coz he has a problem, but also telling me that he never got over the fact that I slept with someone else. My head is all over. Is once a cheat always a cheat? Please help!Im utterly devastated, he convinced me that we would be getting married and would be together for life.
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male
reader, holikdad  +, writes (9 June 2009):
Nope, I don't think you're to blame in this at all. Cheaters are mentally weak and manipulative people. Don't lower yourself down to his level. I know, you already did it, we all have weak moments, but don't do it again, you're a better person than he is.
I am a firm believer that if you want to pursue a relationship with a different person that you need to completely sever the relationship you are in before you make the first move. So dump the BF he's bad news.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all, especially Uncle Phil! I'm feeling much better now.
Holikdad-I was a little confused by what you said, do you think im partly to blame for this as I slept with someone when we were broken up? I had been thinking that, obviously it wasn't the best idea, just never had it put like that. Thanks for the help x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): Once you've got his memory out of your system and come to realise that not all men are like him, you'll find happiness once more. You're still quite young and have at least two-thirds of your life yet to live, so make the most of it. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life, so get out and live it!
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (9 June 2009):
Remember every relationship will and does have problems. Cheating isn't a problem it's a disease and the only way to cure it is to separate from the cheater.And please don't try to excuse yourself because you slept with someone else. It was intentional unless he raped you, no amount of drugs or alcohol makes you do things you don't want to do, and either way it's a terrible excuse and demeans you as a human being.Your BF does have a problem, and it's not your responsibility to help him. Move on with someone else who will really respect you and not treat you like garbage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice, its so nice of you both to take the time to respond. I'm just really struggling right now, have never felt this low. He clearly doesn't care and is now keeping his distance. I don't think i'll ever be happy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): Is once a cheat always a cheat? Well, it seems like this one will be until he grows up! He had his chance and he blew it big time. When you slept with this other chap you and your boyfriend weren't an 'item', so him saying he's forgiven you is laughable, especially in view of the fact that he's been spreading himself ever so thinly elsewhere.
You've done the right thing by kicking him out, and I'm sure you know you could do rather better for yourself than him. I doubt you'd be together for life and marrying him would be a big mistake. There's no trust in the relationship - and no wonder! I suppose you could give him one last chance, but I suspect it would all end in tears sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (9 June 2009):
 hun you are DEFINATELY better off out of this.
i mean how rude is that!
taking out a girl then coming back to you pretending nothing has happend.
i do believe that once a cheat always a cheat.
i mean he's clearly not got a problem just the fact he wants more than one girl.
it's unfair he keeps telling you these amazing things when he's off flirting with other girls or even taking them out to places then coming back to you with all marriage.
you deserve so much better than this!!!
he's clearly unable to be trusted AT ALL!!
i hope this helps :)
best of luck.
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