A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I'm 27, almost 28, and I've never had a real serious relationship. It frightens me, because I feel like there's something wrong with me! I date guys, but they never seem to stick around long (I'm not clingy, I'm actually pretty cool and funny.) But I tend to get with guys who are not looking for a gf and just want a sex partner. It's getting to the point where that's all I think men want here! Not sure what vibe I'm giving off that makes them think I'm not a person to be serious about!! argh. The thing is, I've never in my life thought that I've met someone I could truly commit to! My last "boyfriend" which was not serious and was very rocky, and lasted 9 months I kind of fell for. (That was 2 yrs ago.) But I knew all along he wasn't right for me, nor was he a good person in general. I also self-sabotage a lot of potential bfs without realizing it but honestly I don't think I would have been happy with any of them anyway. So why haven't I met someone who seems like a good match? I'm not even sure what kind of person I should be dating to be honest. I haven't felt that butterfly feeling for many many years. I just want to meet the right person, fall in love, and have a happy life together. I'm laid back and generous, and I know I'd be a good girlfriend if a guy would just give me a chance! Or if I'd give him a chance I guess..Any advice or anyone gone through a similar feeling. I've been in a dating rut my whole life and it's really bumming me out!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): Small story for you.
I'm 40. I've been married. It ended in disaster. I never knew what real chemistry or 'the right one' was supposed to feel like until just 3 or 4 months ago.
Of course, thats a whole different problem, but my point is, it took me 20 or 25 years to feel what you are 'supposed to feel' when someone knocks your socks off.
Be patient. Very Patient. Then pray that when it happens, that person is available. ;)
A
female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (27 May 2011):
 Hey, hon,I think that most people go through 'ruts' at one time or another. (We can't have 'better' days if every day's the same, and that'd get pretty monotonous, right??)Speculating on your post, the line 'I'm not even sure what kind of person I should be dating to be honest' makes me wonder if this is what you need to work on. Maybe you need to figure out what YOU are about before you find a relationship that really ignites.What is your life about? What fascinates you? What excites you?Are you interested in art (in whatever form)? Do you have a weakness for men that play guitar? Would you be happiest talking into the early hours with a man that reads similar books as you do or has a passion for similar political affairs/ cultural issues as you do?Chances are that if YOU don't know what vibes you're giving off, then maybe the men you've dated couldn't read what you wanted either.Until you know what you are about, maybe its hard for a man to know if share the same soul, and especially hard for you to know where to start looking.Figure out what you want and then aim high. Even if you don't get the first man you realise might be pretty cool to be with, I think the important thing is to feel real excitement again- to get butterflies in your tummy for someone again, even if the first crush happens to be on the cinema screen rather than working in the same office as you!There a million 'nice' partners that could hold your hand on the way home, but the individual that will quote your favourite comedian with you when something funny happens might be the rare gem that you'll really click with.Figure out what you want in life and you'll get the sparkle back in your eye as you go out there to find that.The search in on. It just might take a bit of patience.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 May 2011):
 If a guy is just looking for a sex partner, don't date him, and *do not* sleep with him. If you do that, not only will he no longer view you as girlfriend material, but none of the other guys in his social circle will, either.
You have to build a relationship first, *then* have sex, not the other way around. If it's not seirous, don't have sex. Men will assume that if you are willing to sleep with them quickly, you've been willing to sleep with lots of other guys just as quickly. It doesn't matter if you're not easy, what matters is if the guy *believes* you are. And, fair or not, men generally are unwilling to commit to easy girls, whatever their other qualities.
Meeting the right person and falling in love don't just happen, you have to make it happen. Those nine months you spent with the not-serious boyfriend? Those were nine months you weren't out looking for a serious boyfriend.
Extend your social circle. Join a club, get introduced to mutual friends, anything it takes. Meet more people, and try to focus on groups that have long-term attached couples. They will tend to know more relationship-minded people. You don't have to drop the "I'm only looking for serious dating" bomb early on, you just have to hold off on getting more physical than kissing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Stop having casual sex, it's NOT what you are looking for.
Have you tried an oline dating service? A new hobby, taking some evening classes in something fun? Blind dates?
Or where DO you meet the men you have been around lately?
And consider to date men QUITE different from your past ones.
Don't give up!~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks guys! everyone here is very encouraging. I know I'm young, and I need to focus on making myself happy and not relying on someone else, but sometimes it just gets really lonely! I've tried dating sites, and I only seem to attract the creepers. But also I should mention I live in NYC, which is the hardest place for a woman to find a man. For every man here, there are 5 women, so it ain't easy if you catch my drift.
But I won't give up, I need to quit feeling sorry for myself because other than the lack of a bf, my life is pretty good!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): You just simply haven't found the right person for you. Don't give up, you're still young! Go out as much as you can, keep your dating life really healthy and try and meet as many people as possible. Perhaps dating sites? Anything! But really, your time will come and you will meet someone who really cares for you and wants a serious relationship, you just need to try harder.
You should watch sex and the city (I know, it's not real), but seriously, I used to be the same as you and when I watched that, it made me feel so much better! Good luck!
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A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (26 May 2011):
Hi - dating must really suck - there's the pressure to meet someone new, be funny witty, look good all the time and laugh at lamearse jokes and things.Without know how you are meeting people, maybe what you need to do is do something you've never done before becuase you consider it distasteful or not in your interest or whatever - I mean break the mold and try something off the wall?? Listen there are tonnes of guys who would want to date someone like you - nice, caring and who want a genuine relationship not just a one night stand. Men do want long term relationships - you just need to find the right one and when you do oh boy you will know all about it - you'll probably be back here writing how love has removed all your common sense and causing your life to cave in.The other option could be to give up for a year and just life your life for yourself - tick off things on your bucket list that you want to do for yourself and just have fun!! When you do met mr right and have kids you'll be thanking me later.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ima FreAk! +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Hiyaaaaa,You know that saying true love will wait?Well I think that is a load of bollocks!Sometimes you can't be that lucky and sit around waiting for love because you will never find it!Honestly I recommend you start the flirty flirt! It's a new generation and it's alright for women to make the first move... it doesn't show your desperate in fact... it shows that your brave and have courage. Get flirty but not too flirty and you know make a few guy friends and call them and get to know them and you never know.Don't feel dishearted that you haven't met someone it might be that the time isn't right and I promise you (despite not knowing you) but I know that you will find someone eventually you just need to grab em!Hope my advice helps ya!Good luck!Lots of love,Ima FreAk!x
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A
female
reader, lysha +, writes (26 May 2011):
 ihavent been in the same situation as you, but ido see what your saying...
there isnt anything wrong with you hun, not everyone falls in love straight away sometimes in may take many years to find the match for you, but my tips to you are, even if they are not the best looking person on earth try give them a chance if they have a good personality, also dont think on this too much, the right one iwll come along, the wait will be worth it trust me:)
you seem to be a very nice person, try get involved with something new like a hobby, you may meet new people their, :)
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