A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend since one year ago has had very many sexual partners and she is only 19 years old. (i am 20)People always say that it is a good thing because she is very sexual if she has been sleeping around, but she isnt. She only did it because she was weak and insecure (mixed with alcohole and hornyness).Thats problem number one. I dont know how to get rid of that problem in my head, the fact that she has been sleeping around. But, the reason I'm writing is because Im curious about anal sex. She has tried it one time before with another guy, and we have done it like 2-3 times. When we did it, we didnt use lube and she didnt feel so good. (She did it because she wanted to make it up to me when we had been fighting, weird I know)However, I really want to have anal sex with her but she is like "we will have it sometime, but Im not that comfortable with it" and I feel that we havent even tryed it for REAL anytime, we have only done it without lube and not carefully. And its obvious that she didnt like it.I respect the fact that she dont want to do it, but sometimes she almost "lets" me do it. But it feel like she has the wrong mentality, anal sex is something she GIVES me instead of something awesome we do together. And I have tried to explain this but she wont listen, she just says "we are going to try it out, just give me time".Ive read on the web that you can start fingering her ass while fucking her, but she always says "no, not today"ALWAYS..So what should I do? I really enjoy it, and I want to make my girlfriend feel good about having anal sex, I want her to love it!How do I make her wanting me to fuck her in the ass?Thankful for all the help I can get
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): First, why the hell did you do it without lube?! Way to turn her off of it forever!Second, even though you caused her a lot of pain she is still willing to try it sometime. That's commendable on her part. She's a great girl. Let it go and maybe you guys can try again in a few months or a year.The first time I had anal sex with my girlfriend we used a lot of lube and even then all she let me do was put it in her. I was not allowed to thrust. The second time, same thing, because it just felt uncomfortable. The third time we did it, I also fingered her pussy at the same time and she came harder than she ever has in her life. She was also much louder than she usually is during sex. She says she loved it. Even then, we rarely do it. She has to be in a certain mood.Stop being so pushy and appreciate what you have!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): There is no form of abuse in her past. I think youve got it all wrong, she is not so comfortable with it, thats it! Its not that she cried when we did it or that she wanted to punish herself. I just wanna get her to want it again, make her so horny so she almost WANTS my dick in her ass. I just want à second chance to make things good, in my way. And about the other part.. We are good for each other, it is a actually now recently that I have started to analyze and think about this.Our sex life doesn't depends on if we have analsex or not, so it's not that big deal. So stop analyzing it like the worst relationsship in the world, I wouldnt be with her if that was the case.I think I have this weird fetichism that I get turned on by seeing my gf being fucked by another dude. And that makes me sad. It's so depressing that I think of another guys when we fuck and gets turned on by it. Makes me crazy! I am sad because she has slept with many people before me, and that she is the same person now as when she was promiscuous.Please help me to change my mindset about her past aswell.Hugs to you!/OP
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): There is no form of abuse in her past. I think youve got it all wrong, she is not so comfortable with it, thats it! Its not that she cried when we did it or that she wanted to punish herself. I just wanna get her to want it again, make her so horny so she almost WANTS my dick in her ass. I just want à second chance to make things good, in my way. And about the other part.. We are good for each other, it is a actually now recently that I have started to analyze and think about this.Our sex life doesn't depends on if we have analsex or not, so it's not that big deal. So stop analyzing it like the worst relationsship in the world, I wouldnt be with her if that was the case.I think I have this weird fetichism that I get turned on by seeing my gf being fucked by another dude. And that makes me sad. It's so depressing that I think of another guys when we fuck and gets turned on by it. Makes me crazy! I am sad because she has slept with many people before me, and that she is the same person now as when she was promiscuous.Please help me to change my mindset about her past aswell.Hugs to you!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 May 2011):
 I have to also raise the possibility that she has experienced abuse in her past. This forcing you to do unlubed anal sex seems to me to be coming from somewhere dark and ugly; she learned that she deserves to be hurt sexually from somewhere. I doubt it was with you, this probably goes back into her childhood.
Again, I'm no expert but you two seem to have found people who are tailor-made to inflict as much psychological damage as possible. A girl who hates anal sex now with a guy who wants her to love it. A guy who has images of past sexual partners playing in front of his eyes, and he is extremely uncomfortable with that, yet he selects the girl who has a double-digit sex partner number. You two are perfect for each other in all the wrong ways. Again, I think this really calls for some professional counseling. If you want to have a healthy relationship, like you honestly seem to, you need to figure out why you and she have come together, as you so clearly do not mesh at this point in time. I'm not saying it couldn't work, I just think you haven't yet figured out why you're even with her.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 May 2011):
I'm assuming you are the OP (original poster). That information adds some more to the topic. Your girlfriend is using unlubed anal sex as a way of atoning or punishing herself. Right at this point, she has an unhealthy way of coping with conflict, and you are just going along with it because.... because, why? Because you have your own unresolved and damaging thought process yourself. You torture yourself with unwanted images of her having sex with other partners and again, you go along with it because... because, why?
You two have separate issues and honestly, they are beyond my scope. She appears to have learned some very poor coping skills and you have issues with your own thoughts about her past. Honestly, you need professional help. Getting her to have anal sex with you is the least of your worries. If you think that's going to solve any of this, you really are living in la-la land, pardon me for saying so.
Anal sex for her is self-inflicted pain, and has nothing to do with love or care or concern. If you love or have a care or concern for this girl at all, you need to stop trying it on and get into some counseling. I am serious.
Take care of yourself, and do your best to take care of her. She sounds damaged and hurt, and you have your own hurt to deal with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): (I started this thread)Thanks for all the answers.I feel stupid now. And the reason we didnt use lube was because SHE was putting my cock into her ass, not me. She was on top of me and we had a fight (major fight) earlier that day, so I think she wanted to make it up to me.I didnt ask for it, never ever before that. So it was 100% her initiative.Then we did it again, SHE putted in my penis again.The reason I want to try it again is that I know that lube is making it "less worse" or in best cases making it feel good for the girl, so I want a chance to make her feel good about it. We have only tryed it on the wrong way, on her initiative, no wonder she doesnt wants to do it again..And, about the other-guys-issue. Its really, really annoying that scenarious from the guys fucking my girlfriend keeps popping up in my head. Sometimes when we have sex, I can see in front of me how the guys is fucking her, and when I think about it - I cum (I get horny seing the guys fucking my girlfriend in front of me) I know it sounds like I have a weird fetisch, but I hate it. I get sad everytime I get those pictures, and even sadder when I get turned on by it.I have also problems with believing that my girlfriend actually can change. I have started to believe that she is (deep inside) the same girl with the same validation-need as before we got together. She tells me all the time that she has been changed with me (I really believe that I am her love of her live, because she has almost only had one night stands) and that she cant recognize herself when she thinks of her in the past. Is it possible for a girl to change that fast? One year ago (before we got together) she was sleeping around (she has slept with 21 guys, she is 19 years old)and suddenly now, when we are together, she is "changed".Is that bullshit or is she the same girl..Sooo thankful for all the help I can get! Hugs to you all
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A
female
reader, svf  +, writes (27 May 2011):
 Tisha-1 has answered your question absolutely BRILLIANTLY.
And so to have the other posters. Please LISTEN to what the other Aunts have said, as they are speaking completely on behalf of how most women feel in regards to anal sex.
I had a similar experience with my partner last year - when I first joined this site (and boy how scared I was back then as I had never ever been on an online forum, shows how upset I was to finally join one). Though this is a very painful and personal experience for me to bring up again, I am going to post a copy of this thread here so that you can see how emotionally it can affect females.
The act itself can be so painful and it also can be extremely mentally unstabilising for a woman who really is not that into it. So, at the risk of embarrassing myself with my problems yet again, here goes:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/emotionally-upset-with-boyfriend-after-anal-sex-and.html
I hope after reading this, you may understand that the act of anal sex can really open up a whole new phobia of insecurities and that it takes a really strong and stable relationship to work things through. In my case, we already had a lot of issues that we have since worked out, thanks to the advice I received from the truly beautiful Aunts (I thank you once again!)
With Anal sex there must be a lot of trust between both partners, as the act itself can be quite frightening. Especially as you didn't use lube... oh my god that would have hurt and you have probably scared her off it for life...
My partner tried it for the first time and went completely and STUPIDLY OVERBOARD and it took a lot of communication and some wonderful support from the Aunts to get me through that week in my life.
Maybe your girlfriend is similar to me and not that assertive in the bedroom due to conditioning, self esteem issues, etc?
Please take seriously what the other aunts have written about and listen to your Girlfriends needs and not your wants only. Maybe if she were really relaxed then somewhere down the track, wait for HER to bring it up first and then you can take it from there. But only if SHE brings it up FIRST.
I have since tried it again, but only because I was OK with it. I have since become pregnant and my body has softened up so much that one day 3 weeks ago the thought entered my head that everything was so soft that it might be ok to try it for curiosity sake after the nightmare of last year.
So we did but ONLY because I was genuinely OK with it and he was GENTLE and I WAS IN CONTROL of what was happening. I would never have thought I would have been open to trying that again, but I did, and I didn't feel anger or resentment at him because we talked it through the whole time and I just had to say 'stop' and he would have. So, because of that mental barrier being broken because I TRUSTED him, I felt no pain.
Also, I think the body softening due to pregnancy had a lot to do with it. I don't think I would try it again if I wasn't pregnant however and I can't see us doing it again now that we have tried it 'sucessfully' as he is too scared of hurting me. I felt very close to my partner at the time and simply did not feel like putting anything near my cervix 3 weeks ago but was in a very 'lovey-dovey' mood with him.
I think that if you pressure your girlfriend too much, she is not going to feel loved and valued like I did 3 weeks ago, but rather just as useful as a blow-up sex doll (like I did last year) and that is not going to be good for her or for your relationship.
Please listen to the Aunts.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 May 2011):
Here's her side:
"Dear Cupid,
My boyfriend has been bugging me about anal sex a LOT recently. The problem is that we've done it a couple of times so he thinks it's okay with me. The thing is, it's NOT okay.
See, the first time he did it, it was without lube. I bled when I pooped for a week. Every time I sat on the toilet, as I tearfully waited and hoped things would come out without pain, I thought of him. Every piece of shit as it fell into the toilet was me squeezing out his penis. I hated it so much. God, it was awful.
See, we'd had a big fight and I'm not really good at standing up for myself. My friends have told me that I am trying to validate myself through the guys I'm with, whatever that means. They say that I kept sleeping with guys because I thought that would be the way to make them love me. It wasn't, of course, but for some reason, I couldn't stop trying. I wanted the attention but it never turned into anything.
So we had this big fight, see, and he was really angry and I didn't know how to fix it, because I'm so scared he's going to leave too and he has a problem seeing things from my perspective, so I just caved in on the anal sex thing. I let him stick his dick up my ass without lube. That was about the stupidest thing I have ever done. I paid for that in pain and bloody shit. He had no idea what he was doing and it HURT. A LOT.
My girlfriend said that I was letting him hurt me physically because I have this low self-esteem problem and for some reason I think I deserve this kind of treatment. I deserve to be hurt for causing him so much pain because I slept with other guys in the past. It hurts him so much, I guess I just sucked it up and tried to take it so he felt better.
We tried it again, after that, just so I could see if I could tolerate it. I can't. It hurts. All I'm thinking as he's thrusting is "shit it out, got to shit it out" and "ow, that hurts. ow, that hurts. ow, that hurts." I HATE it. But maybe that's why I let him hurt me? Because I hate part of myself? Maybe that's what I should be working on? I don't know....
He's trying to sneak his way into this by sticking a finger up my rectum while he's pounding away at me. He really has no clue how the female brain works. We are hyperaware during sex and are sensitive to his mood and his feelings. My brain especially, as I've been so desperate to keep a guy. If I could tolerate the anal sex, I would let him try it. But I can't. It's awful.
And the awful thing is he feels somehow that it's like a normal thing, that everyone does anal. I don't know where he gets that idea. Maybe he's been watching porn where the girl pretends to love it. She loves it because she's getting paid for it. I wish he would just fantasize about it. Maybe we could change positions during intercourse so he can pretend? Maybe I should be doing those Kegel exercises to give him that squeezey feeling he must want. Or is it that he just wants to hurt me? I mean, he is the one who insists on it? Maybe he's getting off on my pain? I don't know. So many questions on my part.
He has issues with my past, I'm trying to make up for it. I give him what he wants in bed, most of the time. I just don't get why he insists on me liking the same stuff as he does. I don't.
I think I kinda know what those cons in prison who get raped anally feel like. It's not nice. And they have bigger buttholes. Mine's only little and I've seen the size of his shit in the toilet. It's huge compared to mine. I'll bet in order for him to feel the same as I do, we would have to use an unlubed extralarge dildo and ram it up his butt and then push it around, poking this way and that, just so he could get a sense of what it's like.
I've heard though that men have prostate gland that gets stimulated and some actually like the anal sex. My pleasure center is in the FRONT of my body, the clitoris, not the back, and most definitely it is NOT in my rectum. THAT'S the LAST place I want to be touched.
Sigh. How do I get him to lay off the anal sex demands? What do I have to do to make him stop? It's so upsetting.
Thanks, Dear Cupid, I hope you can help.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 May 2011):
 First of all you can't even buy some LUBE?!
And secondly, if she's decided that she really doesn't dig anal, you need to respect it. Sex is not about one person, but BOTH people enjoying what's going on.
Stop being selfish.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 You don't respect that she wont do it. If you did respect it, you wouldn't be on her asking how to make her do it.
Those times you tried were real. You were up her butt. And you weren't careful, and you didn't use lube. If you cared about her feeling good about this, and if you wanted her to enjoy the experience, may I ask why you didn't go carefully at it, and why you didn't use lube? Anal sex is for the more experienced, meaning you don't just do it without knowing a bit about the body and how it works. Lube is always essential, so is being careful.
More so, when it comes to the advanced stuff in sex, both parties NEED to be on board. She isn't. That means you need to let it go. Or, you need to let the girl go and find someone who's as much into anal sex as you are. It's like asking a monogamous person to have threesomes all the time.. it just wont work out! You need to either let the anal sex go, or let the girl go.
Same with your issue with her previous partners. Find out why her sexual past bothers you. Are you worried she will cheat? Are you worries she thinks sex is meaningless? Or is it a pride thing, that you want to be the only man who ever had her and so on? Figure out why it bothers you, and if it is something you can work on and get over, or not. If not... Im afraid you need to let her go, because the past will be the past no matter how much you dislike it. If you can't take it, and accept all of her, then she's not the girl for you.
Something we learn in life is that we can not change a person. You can't make her like the things she doesn't, and you can't wish that her past will go away. If you wish she was a different person then you are with the wrong person.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (26 May 2011):
 I work in healthcare and this question is asked quite often by men.The previous answers are spot on. (Frankly,I think you already ARE an ASS for wanting her to DESIRE something she doesnt enjoy!) She already is a Saint for willing to TRY and accomodate you once in awhile. I will give you the same answer I gave to a former lover who wanted me to have a Brazillian ALL THE TIME. "I will do that every time YOU do. You first."SO, let me give you some medical info as well.First, our bodies are not DESIGNED to HAVE ANAL SEX! That is an OUTTIE, not a INNIE. NO matter what lube or technique you use, you are putting pressure on the rectum in an direction it was never intended. There are sphincter muscles that were only designed to open one way and anal sex forces them to be open and strained.The anus is lined with blood vessels that can become irritated and swollen with the friction of anal sex, regardless of lube. (Pressure is pressure and no amount of lube with make a difference!)Things are not that sanitary in the anus. Even if the person uses a Colonic Cleanse and a Anal Lavage (wash) are not going to make that area bacteria free. Feces is meant to clean bacteria away from our bodies and you want to rub your penis in it?Some people who engage in Anal Sex find things become "looser" over time. As they age, they can experience feces leakage!I bet you like that tighter more ribbed feeling that Anal Sex provides. You are hurting HER for YOUR pleasure.Find other things to explore that are just exciting for her (try interesting "toys" you can wear for that ribbed, tight feeling, but with vaginal sex for her pleasure/comfort)Finally, she is NOT your personal Sex Doll. She is a human being. Respect her body and what she is willing to offer you. That is a gift, not a right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): "I really want to have anal sex with her"
"How do I make her wanting me to fuck her in the ass?"
Nothing against anal sex here, but my question is "Why?".
Let's see, you get the choice to be either one of two things.
1. Another guy who fucks her in the ass.
2. The best lover and most understanding and wonderful person in her life, who she will never get over if she lives to be a 100 and has a 1000 lovers after you.
Which do you want to be?
What you are saying is that you choose to be #1.
I'd rather be #2 with my partner.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 May 2011):
 "how can I make my girlfriend want to [murder small kittens and puppies] or [have anal sex] or [give me blow jobs] or [rob a bank] ???"
YOU CAN'T!
why would you want to make her do something she does not want to do?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 May 2011):
 If you loved her, why would you want to find ways to make her do something she clearly does not want to do? She is not your private sex toy, she is your girlfriend. The vast majority of women downright hate anal sex. Even the vast majority of porn stars hate anal sex. Most find it painful. It's quite frankly, selfish to ask her to put herself through discomfort, probably pain, just to satisfy your fantasy. If you really want her to do this, I suggest you buy her a strap on and you can give it a try first.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Is there anything that would make you want to take a big dildo up the butt?
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Find another girlfriend wh likes anal.
How would you feel if your girlfriend kept on asking you over and over to like her ass and you didnt really want to. Annoying huh?
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