A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Question for girls, I have quite long periods when I don't have time to date girls, due to time restraints of work and being on call there. My job requires me at times to be in the busy nightlife area. I often get signals from girls trying to get me to approach them. I do need to have a hug and cuddle(even though I'm a guy), so quite often I chat up a girl and(assuming she's interested) within a few minutes we are usually having a long cuddle. I have done this also with 2 and 3 girls(each one gets their turn:-). Then I wish her/them all the best and leave.I would imagine most girls may be cheesed of with this as they would probably have expected to be asked for their number etc. However I can tell you they really enjoy the intimacy of the cuddle. On the other hand, if I don't respond at all to a girl's signal, I can usually see the upset(of course that's always bound to happen as most don't get picked up).So girls, would you rather have a chat and a long cuddle etc. from a guy you are attracted to, or better that he not approach you at all, if he can't give you more time?
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (22 May 2013):
 Hi
Well I reckon you must look like David Beckham with a body to match - or you use that certain body spray
Good luck with the search - you only need one good woman
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 May 2013):
 Op, I did not say it " should not " be erotic. I am saying, if it's erotic, as the red blooded male that you are , just portray it, communicate it , ACT on it as erotic , without passing it off , to yourself or to them, as "just cuddles " or having a hunker for "hugs".
If you want to hug young girls, it's not because you lost your teddy bear and you need some tenderness- it's because the contact of young flesh sends sexual chills down your spine.
Which, there's nothing strange with, that's biology. But let's not get signals and intentions mixed up, and make sure that your signals and intentions are sent and received exactly and openly for what they are . Otherwise, again, sorry but it's a bit like those lewd mall Santa Clauses that are a bit TOO nice with the cute little girls.
Making time ? Sure that you can make time ! Presidents of nations , CEOs of megabillion companies , world famous stars can make time for their sex life... and you cannot find the occasional couple of hours for a physical encounter ?!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): OP here: Old bag, I said the exact opposite, that younger girls would be more inclined to have a cuddle, not older. Old bag and Cindycare, I agree with you 99.9%. Young girls generally do not run after older guys. There are exceptions where there can be a crush on him but that's rare. However, for some reason, by me it is different. I think it is totally weird, but go figure. For some reason at work(where I will not go further than a bit of flirting), at the bus stop, in bars etc., girls are always trying to get my attention all types of ways. The guys at works say I am very lucky, as I am generally wanted by the young of the opposite sex, even before young good looking guys.I have never initiated even flirting. I don't need to.And old bag, I cannot stand a woman who is even a bit drunk. If I smell any one with the smell of alcohol, I will give them a wide berth.I am not fantasizing. I know there are older men who will flirt unwelcomely with young girls, thinking they must want them. That's not me. And CC, I am a normal red blooded man, so just like all of my gender, if it's the young ones getting my attention, why should I cuddle just anyone? Yes of course it's erotic. However, I have taken on board re hugging and not taking it further. I have now had a few very friendly chats. Although, with one I couldn't risk the temptation and gave her a kiss on the cheek:-).I will now try to make a bit of time to ask out. We will see.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 May 2013):
I don't think it's strange that a 36-40 y.o man is attracted to much younger women , it may be socially and psychologically not advisable in many cases, but it's natural.
What I find strange, is that this 36-40 man can't just have balls and ACT on his attraction, dating / pursuing / having adventures etc.etc., with that minority ( it's a minority but undoubtely it exists ) of young girls who are attracted to his age bracket and signal clearly their attraction,- rather than engineering , under the pretense of an avuncular jolly, "friendliness " and " cuddliness " , well, basically , the way to cop a feel of young flesh somehow.
Your interest is erotic, - it has nothing to do with need for affection , or being naturally outgoing, otherwise you would not target for your cuddles only the 18-25 age group, you'd be fine cuddling whomever , including the feisty older Italian lady ( who, btw, wasn't me, I swear,LOL ). You like young flesh ? Fine, no problem, as long as they are not minors. But at least , say what you mean and mean what you say.
Otherwise it all is, frankly, rather creepy- like those " affectionate " old uncles that sit 9 or 10 years old on their knees... with totally not unclish thoughts in their minds...
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (22 May 2013):
Hi
I like the way you seem to think older women would be more inclined to go for a cuddle than nothing.Younger men are ok to look at and admire but that's it.Each to their own though.
My daughter would freak out if some guy your age,loaded or not, wanted a cuddle, so would her friends, they go for young trendies their own age which is early twenties. Then they have music fashion careers etc in common.
I don't think you can generalise and maybe the girls you speak of are drunk when they show interest.Think they have the upper hand - but then you vanish so they realise they don't.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (21 May 2013):
Dear OP -
I found something on the net:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuddle_party
Maybe there IS a growing request for this kind of interaction and I didn't even know it but there seem to be special parties for it :)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 he's my husband already. I LOATHE that he's younger than I am to be honest.
Trust me it's not about jealousy when I see a younger woman on an older man's arm or vice versa.
The REASON you should not take ADVANTAGE of younger women is that for YOU it's fun and games. It's how to get the hot young tight body to touch me and love on me. FOR MOST young girls it's about "OH HE LIKES ME... could this be magic??!!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here: ....or, so very confused....maybe when a middle age woman sees a young girl on the hands of a handsome middle age guy...would she possibly get a trifle jealous and think "that's not fair, he should be with me...."?
BTW, after telling me I should rather be with a 50 year old, I noticed that you also like the young ones. Future hubby 13 years your junior...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): OP here: So very confused, so we agree that it is age difference..
Although the great majority of young girls are not interested(sexually) in the great majority of middle aged men(unless for money prestige etc.-which I don't have). So they generally will not be cuddling with middle aged men. However, almost all-if not all- middle aged men are very attracted to young girls. I really don't know why, but for me it works both ways. If they show interest in me, why shouldn't I reciprocate?
Maybe it's the different wiring of men an women, which makes it disturbing to you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 May 2013):
At your given age OP a woman of 50 is more who I would like to see you with than a girl of 19
and as you said "I would think many young ones would prefer a cuddle to nothing."
and that to me is the key... they settle for crumbs instead of holding out for a hero... they'd rather have a cuddle at 19 from some nearly middle aged guy (yes at 36-40 you are nearly middle aged) and to be honest your wanting to offer cuddles to the younger girls is not sitting well with me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): OP here. It seems to me that this is a difference between older ladies and really young ones(19-25) as "really confused" noted and others re in their younger years. With one exception, this also seems to come through from responders' ages. I would think many young ones would prefer a cuddle to nothing.
The girls I was asking about are the young ones. Exception was this 50-60 year old Italian woman grabbed my hand while crossing the street and kept stalking me for about 10 minutes refusing to take no for an answer. If it was a male doing that, he could be in trouble. Although this was quite a bit more than signaling attraction.
BTW Cindycare for an Italian, your writing of English is excellent.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 May 2013):
I will gladly chat with folks any time, but to be honest I would not want a hug from a stranger.
But then I think that's a function of my age... I've seen young girls around 19 or so, who are desperate for physical contact take any hugs or crumbs thrown at them by any man thinking they cared. Then they find out the guy is just not really interested.
I would not be cuddling a man who I was not interested in having more with.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 May 2013):
Sure, OP, let's agree to disagree , and I accept that your personal experiences and observations, in different places , times and social milieus from mine, suggests you differently. I would be more of a dickhead than I normally am credited for being if I insisted " No, it can't be , never happened ".
I just want to precise , though, that this has got nothing to do with my PERSONAL preference.( My personal preference , as uptight as it sounds, it's to never let strangers , no matter how attractive and yummy, touch me or fondle me in public, I am not big on PDA with an official partner , imagine with a total stranger. When I wanted to signal my attraction and sort of seal the deal kind of fast I used to... never mind:).There are ways :) ). This is about semiotics , not preferences. The discipline that studies signs and symbols and the way we communicate through them. Generally ( the key word being generally )if I do X, it coneys Y. Like, if I am at the theatre and I clap my hands, it means that I loved the show. Of course, maybe I HATED the show and I am only clapping because my sister is one of the performers , but, generally, we can assume etc. etc.
Ditto for body language , personal space and erotic signals . Generally , people don't touch or fondle strangers, if they do, they have their own good reasons, the very main one being - physical attraction. Which does not have necessarily to lead to immediate sexual coupling, and does not mean literally " I want to f..k. ". BUT it means "I feel physically attracted to you . I find you pleasant to sight, smell and touch , you gratify my SENSES " . If instead your hugs and caresses want to signify something totally different - well, it's not against the law , sure -but how the women are supposed to know ? , and this can lead to malfunction in ( non verbal) communication. Does it make more sense like this ?.
For verbal communications, it's different, because verbal communication follows different semiotic codes. If you only TALK to a person you signal a lower level of erotic interest, so the expectations are lower.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): OP here: Cindycare, my social real life experience shows a somewhat different picture than what you and some others wrote. Anyhow, I think we will agree to disagree on some things. I read your preference that you would not want anything intimate unless he is will to go further. Fair enough, but that is all I asked, not about what I should be doing , only your preference.
So ok, back to my second question. Would you prefer the guy pick up your signals and have a friendly chat or not start talking to you whatsoever, due to him not taking it further?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 May 2013):
Then maybe you got asleep halfway through the Sunday sermon OP, because you have missed the basic points : I was not talking about unwelcome touching, which would be , anyway, not a cuddle , but ..a criminal charge .
I was talking about willing , enthusiastic partecipants , or even initiators . They STILL would be signaling " I find you attractive therefore I am touching you / letting you touch me in the hope and intent etc.etc. "
Languages are codes of signs, and body language is as well. One is expected to master at least the most common , usual meanings of ACTIONS, and if my action is to push my breasts into your chest or to press my crotch against yours , you can bet , 90% of times, that I am not signaling " I just want some cuddles ". At least not from a total stranger.
I guess I was just a bit surprised , that , at your age and with an intense social life, you had not reached this conclusion yourself.
As for the chat / conversation, no ,it's different, the girl might in the back of her mind, feel a bit disappointed that you don't want to carry the acquaintance further, but she won't be angry / feel mocked or anything. Why ? Still a matter of codes. We are used to talk to strangers just for killing time, or other not emotionally/ sexually charged reasons. It's perfectly Ok, as in the examples I gave you, in the dentist's waiting room , at the post office, in a supermarket line etc.etc. - and it carries no particular expectations.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): OP here. I would like to ask this question again, but slightly differently. I am assuming that the responders are still in touch, otherwise I will start a new thread.
Taking out the cuddling bit, you send strong signals to a guy you are attracted to and he has a long chat with you, which you are both enjoying, but he doesn't take it further(doesn't ask for your number etc.). Would you be glad that he at least chatted with you, or would you rather he ignored you in the first place?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): OP again. Cindycares, I can see where you're coming from and I have seen many unwelcome touchings etc. However, this is different in that I would never even touch a girl unless I can see that she is completely comfortable with it. Yes, sometimes it takes only 4-5 minutes, especially if she was already giving me really strong signals and even more so pushing her body into mine at the line at entrance to a venue, or sitting next to me at a bus stop rubbing into me etc. etc.Also you don't know me personally, (I will try to say this without seeming to be full of myself) people get comfortable in my company very quickly. BTW I did ask 2 random girls last night what they would prefer and they said that they were glad that I at least approached them.Anyhow I just asked for what girls prefer and received a sunday sermon :-)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 May 2013):
OP, no offence but your question sounded a little bit bizarre to me. It's like you are surprised that some girls ( MOST girls, I'd say ) could very possibly be cheesed off. Why are you surprised ?
Communication is based on codes, social codes that are not printed anywhere but in general are simply and easily absorbed through observation and experience.
So , it's not really about " leading them on ", but about totally shortcircuiting the ordinary steps of social interaction in a way that may result confusing and offensive.
When you chat up somebody in any casual social setting ( as it happens ,say, in the waiting room at your dentist's, during a train trip , in line at the post office ) you don't start ( at least I hope ) fondling and feeling up your casual interlocutor after minutes , unless you want to scare them to death / get arrested . You know that the code says that if you want to cuddle with strangers, first you have to call them, ask them out etc. You just don't touch people whom you do not know, even if they flirt back. It's too intimate.
Now, in other settings, like a party, a club, a bar, etc. the code changes and SOME people is OK with speeding up the process and skipping the preliminary formalities and get touchy feely right away, but why ? Precisely because in certain settings physical closeness does not mean " I am mentally unbalanced and I am going to attack you " , yet it still carries a precise message . Precisely BECAUSE cuddles and close physical contact mean " I noticed your attraction, or I am attracted to you, and I am deliberately breaking the usual physical distance and entering into your personal space BECAUSE I want to act on this attraction , I want to get more intimate,( either psychologically, or emotionally, or both )". On turn, the touchy feely, or touchy feeled girl, is signaling " I am letting you enter in my personal space and be all over me , beyond what it's normal between strangers, BECAUSE I find you attractive and I think you find me attractive and I want to bring this attraction further, to even closer levels ".
If you bust the process and mess up with the code, I'd say it's normal that a common reaction would be : " Uh ? WTF !? "
I also found half amusing , half disquieting the way you go to get your fix of cuddles. It seems to be totally all about you . You yearn for cuddles, - you get your cuddles- then leave. But what about what they want ? Shouldn't you at least try to assess/find out what they want too ?..
I hope you don't use the same method with other emotions, like, say, anger. You wake up nervous, irritated and frustrated , you DO need an outlet for your anger, you feel that you DO need to blow off some steam ....what do you do, you get out in the streets and punch in his face the first guy you meet ? because YOU need to release anger ?...
This is an extreme example, but if you think about it , you'll see it's not that different from your case. YOU are cuddle thirsty and for personal reason of YOURS you can't get all cuddled up within an outgoing relationship, so .. you'll just do whatever comes to your mind to solve YOUR problem. No , OP, there still are social, emotional , and psychological codes that you are disregarding. Of course it carries no penality as if you were disregarding the code about anger . If you punch a random guy to release anger , you'll go to jail. While if you cuddle an attracted stranger because you are skin hungry but then you want to live, the worse that can happen is that she will be annoyed, disappointed or amazed.. As she might as well be with good cause.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): when I was younger and got tipsy I would be fine with that, but nowadays I'd prefer to be left alone or just have a chat no cuddling because I don't really like getting too close and personal with people I've just met.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2013): OP here: "You wish" I don't know why you use the word liar in response. I am not lying to anyone. I did not promise any type of relationship.
However, I do understand from other responses that girls may feel I am leading then on. Ok, sounds like most think I should explain to them first that I will not be taking it further. So I assume, everyone would be happy with that. I will take that on board, even though there are many(especially girls) who seem really interested but then end up not serious at all.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (19 May 2013):
Dear OP,
If I was a little tipsy, in a good mood and one night a cute guy came over at the club and asked me for cuddles, why not. As long as you're honest about what you want (cuddles) and what not (getting to know me better). Depending on the guy, the whole thing might as well come across as really creepy. So I can't give you a final answer about whether I'd be cool with it or not.
On the long run, you might want to find a more satisfying way to fulfill your desire for intimacy than just cuddling with strangers. Sounds like there's a big emotional void in your life and you just let it happen by giving priority to some job. But you know, a job is not everything. Don't make yourself miserable and think twice whether some cuddles every now and then is really all you need.
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A
female
reader, maisy1 +, writes (19 May 2013):
"within a few minutes we are usually having a long cuddle....then I wish her/them all the best and leave."
OP!!! That's not very nice you know. If someone chatted me up for a few minutes, had a cuddle, and then wished me all the best and gestured for the door i would be very hurt. I know we all have needs but hey!!
"I have done this also with 2 and 3 girls(each one gets their turn:-)"
OP you make it sound like they are lining up to cuddle you and that you are doing them a favour!
"I would imagine most girls may be cheesed of with this as they would probably have expected to be asked for their number etc. However I can tell you they really enjoy the intimacy of the cuddle"
Women do enjoy a cuddle, but if you don't give a number out and just wish them well and leave then that feeling would turn to disappointment and of being used.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 May 2013):
 I have nothing against you, but I prefer sex and cuddling in a relationship that's been established. If I can read between the lines of your post, it's got less to do with your "on call" status and much more to do with the fact that you prefer non-exclusivity. You hang out in the nightlife, like to pick up girls for sex, you prefer not to ask for a number, and you are comfortable with lining them up. Can't do that in a relationship, eh?
I'm sure you'll have no problem picking up random women in bars and night clubs. But people interested in relationships can do so even with time or work restrictions. They either find a woman in their line of work, or they find one as busy as they are. You sound like you don't want to be tied down to one woman.
There's nothing wrong with someone single and preferring casual random hookups. Just be honest about the fact because no one likes a liar and a player, and many women prefer not to be tied down either. Find a good FWB who's interested in using you as you use her, and never lie or lead a woman on in hopes of a relationship.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (19 May 2013):
 I wouldn't mind a chat but no cuddling till at least the 3rd date lol
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (19 May 2013):
Hi
If it's a stranger then leave well alone. Giving a girl a cuddle is a green light, a signal to them you are interested..to walk away afterwards is a slap in the face.
I can see your predicament but this is not the answer, not sure what is.Maybe you should form a relationship with a girl who can cope with your job and hours.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 May 2013):
 I don't mind having a chat and long cuddle. No one can assume sex and relationship always at a bar. If one gets upset that could mean she is frustrated with her life and it has nothing to do with you. You owe them no explanation unless you said you are looking for a relationship with them and then disappear. You are free to mingle with strangers. There is a reason there are free hugs in public with nothing sexual. A touch is better than nothing. More women need to know that there are cuddly guys and should not act surprised that he's not up for more. Sex and complicate things and add stress to your busy life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2013): It depends. What is the girl looking for? What are her expectations? There are some girls that are perfectly fine with the cuddles because that is all they are looking for and they understand that it will probably not lead to a relationship. A bit of fun and flirting in a social environment. Many are just out for a good time and have realistic expectations of the situation.
But others may be more sensitive and feel that the cuddle may lead to something more and they might feel let down because cuddling is a form of intimacy and women bond over that. So really it depends on the girl and her expectations.
But maybe you could be up front and honest with them and let them know your situation before cuddling with them, that way you have been honest and they cannot misinterpret your actions and intentions. If they do, then they are responsible for their own actions because you have told them where you stand. Women just don't like to be mislead or strung along. Just be honest. You can always enjoy cuddles without any follow up but remember not all girls think this way. Realize many of them might take it more seriously.
And sure women will get a little ticked if they like you and you do not approach. Maybe you can approach and again let them know your situation. This way they will not feel rejected. You might make some new friends and who knows? It may lead somewhere down the road.
Us women like it when a guy pays attention. Makes us feel special and pretty. Even if we know this, it is always a bonus for a guy to reaffirm what we already know.
And you know girls are not always upset because they don't get picked up. That is not always their intention. Maybe they do not want to be picked up. They are upset because they are not paid attention to. They are made to feel like they are not pretty enough or good enough for a guy to approach them. Believe me, the more guys that pay attention to us, the better. We love the ego boost.
So, I say approach and just be honest and be yourself. This way you will make new friends, always keep your options open and never regret that you are misleading or ignoring some nice people. If their feelings are hurt after you are honest, you are not responsible because you told the truth. They are responsible for those feelings so do not take the weight of other people's feelings on your shoulders. They need to deal with those themselves.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, HeresBoo  +, writes (19 May 2013):
 I would have a chat, as I love to get to know new people, but not a cuddle. I understand that I'm fairly old fashioned in some respects but I am not big on hugging or touching people I don't know so I see it as uncomfortable when someone approaches me and presumes they can touch me.
As for loving then leaving, I would prefer, if we had a good conversation, that you give me the chance to continue having good talks etc and make up my own mind on if I could handle your work in a relationship. If you had no intention on getting to know me further or interest in the conversation (seeing as you would just walk away in the end) I would prefer it if you didn't give me false hope at all.
If you feel bad about giving false hope to girls, maybe you should lay down the law at the beginning of the conversation and tell them you're just a friendly guy - some will ignore and try to get you anyway, some will accept that and some will leave.
That's my personal opinion :)
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