A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:*OP Title* This is a bit of a mess. I recently married my boyfriend (now husband) of 8 years. We are so happy and I love him so much and I know he loves me too.Ever since we got engaged I have been thinking about a mistake I made in the first 3 weeks of our relationship, whilst very, very drunk and not in full control of myself I slept with a guy from work who I had kind of been seeing before I met my now husband. We lived apart at the time, in different parts of the country and no-one knew what happened except me. I was so ashamed at the time for being so drunk I didn't know what I was doing and that I'd let it happen I couldn't face telling him and never did, infact I didn't ever tell anyone.It is now eating me up, but seems to have been worse since we got engaged. I don't think it is fair to tell him now after so long, it was such a long time ago, before we said I love you, and only in the first month of our relationship. But on the other hand I am keeping the secret from the one person I tell everything too and I desperately want his forgiveness, but that isn't fair on him just to make me feel less guilty. He may not think it is important because it was so long ago, but my fear is that he took it as a gross case of mistrust.Please give me your honest opinions, we are both nearly 30 so not very young,although I was only 21 when it happened. Is this ridiculous I am still thinking of it?!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): thank you, i have thought about that, he has asked me not to mention it again but to stop worrying about us and our relationship. he knows the answer to the questions youve mentioned and he knows it was a drunken mistake when we lived in different parts of the country and that i couldnt remember the next day what had even happened! terrible i know and i am ashamed of that. the other guy doesnt even come close to my husband in any way in fact he was in a long term relationship when he did this, which i didnt know until after. I will be there for my husband and I am prepared for him to ask more questions or it hit him harder further down the line.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): I suggest you revisit the topic on occasion, but carefully for a while to let him voice any residual concerns or curiositites. It would be a normal reaction for him to wonder about other things now...like where he was when you were with this guy, how he compared, etc. You need to be completely honest here (well, unless this other guy was better in bed, in which case I'd probably lie). But being aware of his feelings and concers at this time is very important. If you try to brush it all away now that you've confessed, it may give the illusion that you don't care about his feelings. Guys can be more sensitive than you know when it comes to competing with other males.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): thank you, im not saying it was easy though, and he is hurt but we are dealing with it. there may be some rocky times ahead but we both love each other and i believe we are strong enough to work through it. i still feel guilt for what happened and for now burdening him with it, but in the end, i believe honesty will make us stronger
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): I'm so happy for you and your future together. This is absolute proof that honesty is the best thing for a relationship where the two people TRULY love one another. All those people telling you to hide it , bury it and forget it...well, maybe with some people that is better, but for two people who understand, it is best to have the truth out. This was a test of your love...now you can move forward into an everlasting love, with no guilt, no remorse and complete honesty. God bless you and your marriage!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Well I have told him and it is the best thing I have ever done. He truly is the person I thought he was, understandably he wasnt thrilled but he was so understanding and was even comforting me throughout the whole thing, He understood it was very early in the relationship and that it was the only time, but said I should have told him earlier as I have built it up to be bigger than it was, he said he still loves me and we can put it behind us and enjoy our married life together, we are both still smiling. thank you to everyone, you gave me the strength to do this
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Ouch.
Well good luck.
Understand that, as someone said, he'll possibly feel like this happened yesterday. Your relationship may not survive this. You need to let him be very emotional about this if he needs to.
I can only suggest that you reconsider one last time.
What he deserves is to be happy. What you are doing is unloading your guilt onto him. You're about to give yourself relief, and him pain. Is this what he deserves?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): I have actually decided to tell him. he knows of the incident already, but not that it happened when it did. i have to tell him, he is my husband and deserves to know, im just not sure how im going to approach it, i just hope he forgives me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): thank you again for your honest opinions, to clarify the other person in question would never enter our lives ever again. I love my husband and if i could undo it believe me I would have been honest from the start. I just cant bear to hurt him and burden him with this, i think in some ways the deception is worse than the act and thats where im struggling. i dont want secrets, and what if he has one of his own? ultimately why should i shatter his happy existence to ease my guilt? and we werent serious back then as some have said. i do believe though if the question ever arose i would tell him. i am seeing a counseller soon so hopefully i can discuss with them and move forward. thank you again.
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (4 August 2010):
 The past is the past for a reason, and often it should stay in the past in order to get on with your future..However, it is bothering u and your spouse is your best friend and whom u confide in..since u both are older and mature I would go ahead and tell him about the incident. He'll probably get pissed but hopefully he wont take it to heart since it was a mistake so long ago and youve been faithful ever since? Every girl gets drunk and makes mistakes, we shouldnt blame it all on the alcohol however I agree it does cloud our minds but we still have a sense of whats going on. But were only human.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): I've been in a similar situation. I was dating my GF, and found out about 6 months in that she was considering having her ex over for sex about a month into our relationship. This was a conscious decision, after she had professed her love for me, and not prompted by anything but an arguement that day. I confronted her, and she said it was a mistake, he never responded, and nothing ever happened...which I'm convinced of. But I'm still haunted by the motive that she wanted it to. If nothing ever did happen, I wish I had not known. But since you actually had sex, and your motives were weak (you were drunk), I'd lean toward telling him. If it's eating you up now, it will not likely fade over time. But do not tell him to make yourself feel better...that is deflecting guilt, and not fair to him.
Is there any way you can play some sort of game to "feel" the situation out...like ask him if he's ever had an affair and see his reaction. If he asks you, say no, but maybe "how would you have felt if there was", and see his reaction. He might see right through this, so be careful. But honesty now will create a lifelong trust. You cannot be TOO honest, and carrying lies...even very old ones, rots the soul.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): If there's no reason to tell him about this, then there is also no reason to tell him about any other incidents of cheating in the past either. Why not just lie all the time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): i really understand where u coming from i haven't been through it but i can relate....i would tell him the truth only if he kept it 100% real with u all the time about anything he have ever done even if it would hurt u
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): I think you should definitely tell him. I'm surprised people have told you to keep it a secret. He's your husband! You've promised vowels to one another, and I'm pretty sure lying isn't one of them.
It was 3 weeks into your relationship, the pair of you were hardly serious. Fair enough, you SHOULDN'T of kept it from him for so long. But he deserves to know still, a week later, or 9 years later, still the same. Plus, the fact it was so long ago should be more of a reason he'll forgive you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): I guess the one question I would have is, does your husband have all the rest of your sexual history? And if he does why doesn't he have this bit? Since it was 3 weeks into your relationship I would think he has a right to this info.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 August 2010):
It serves no purpose whatsoever, to even mention it after all this time. It would be a total waste and might well destroy the great relationship you both have.
The question is, you need to be able to trust in your own life choices. If you can trust and respect yourself, well then other people (your husband), can trust you also. That's the real essence of all this.
It vitally important to work out what it is you really want out of your life. We all need to do this. It's so important - the different between being happy and fulfilled, or going right off the rails and giving up on ever being happy and settling for. We all deserve to be the best we can be.
Just the fact that you feel guilty about it should be enough and at this point, you say that you would never do it again in future - or so you say. You do need to be sure of what all your feelings are, for both your husband and this other man. Perhaps you are a bit bored with your life generally, and all these feelings are surfacing to help you find some direction.
You might be feeling restless generally, nothing to do with what happened 8 years ago. It might be worth putting some newness into your life, such as starting a new hobby or interest. You will then have a lot less time for thinking about the past.
The mind is a tricky thing, thoughts and history gets regurgitated every so often. But all things happen for a reason, they are not just a coincidence. They are all life lessons. So you need to bear that in mind.
My advice is to put it all down to experience. You won't repeat something when you can predict what that outcome will be. Just as long as you think about the situation before doing anything. Weigh it all up - the pros and cons. What happened eight years ago has no relevance to what happens today. That person back then was a different person to who you are today anyway. So there's really no comparison.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 August 2010):
Sorry, just cannot agree with the multitude here who believe the ends justify the means.
I do not believe a relationship should have lies through it indefinitely, especially ones that the other person should have known.
I would want to know. There is doing the easy thing in life and there is doing the right thing. I think its pretty obvious here which is which.
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A
female
reader, Unsure07 +, writes (3 August 2010):
That's kind of a tight situation. One: If he asks you have always been faithful then you would be lying if you said yes. Then again you weren't in the relationship long enough to make anything official.
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female
reader, StrayTogether.com +, writes (3 August 2010):
 Let me get this right: It was the first 3 weeks of your relationship, happened 8 years ago while you were living apart and with a man you had been seeing? Not only do I think you shouldn't tell him, but I don't think you have anything to feel guilty over.
I agree with Yos, you must be both honest and kind in a relationship and telling him now would only relieve your guilt and achieve nothing positive for your husband.
I might, however, reconsider my position if the man with whom you had sex is in your lives today. You say that you are the only one that knows, but clearly you're wrong on this point, as you didn't have sex by yourself. If this man has the potential to crop up at some point and share your secret out of spite or inadvertently, well ... then you may have a problem on your hands. Consider this, as well.
Fondly,
Jill
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female
reader, sinkorswim +, writes (3 August 2010):
 Don't tell him, there's no need! You're both healthy, happy and love each other. Dragging something like up from the past is just not worth it, you were together 3 weeks when this happened, No point ruining 8 years for something you did in the early days. I'm the same age as you nearly, and anthing I did in my early 20's I would just forget!
Enjoy your husband
Foget the past it's gone!
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): personally I would not tell him. 3weeks is not an established relationship. I dont condone it but at that point you probably didnt know where it was going. Had it been 3weeks into your marriage then it would have been a different story. If you feel that you do have to tell him then perhaps write down the situations and your feelings in a letter but sit there with him to read it. I hope it would ensure that he will get to understand the situation better by the end of the letter instead of flipping out before you have a chance to explain everything. best of luck hun. x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): Thanks to everyone for your replies so far, they have all been very helpful. You are right in thinking it only happened once, and in the first 3 weeks of the relationship. It was completely out of character and has never and would never happen again.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (3 August 2010):
In relationships we need to be both honest and kind. But sometimes kind has to win out over honest. Like now.
The information will quite possibly really hurt him. He doesn't deserve that.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): Dont tell him! Save your self a big problem ahead. He will never respect you again, Im a guy who has went threw that same problem 4 months ago. My wife of 9 years told me she had sex with two guys I never knew about before we got married, 'and yes she kept that lie too her self all those years even after I asked about her past before I married her. So trust me from experience dont tell him, I know how men are, My wife wishes she never told me because I have a no trust issue with her now. She hurt me so bad for keeping a lie from me which I would of never done too her. So keep the good thing you have going with him now, dont ruin it for something that doesn't need too be brought up. Honestly coming from a male I wish she would have never told me and saving me from being so hurt today.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (3 August 2010):
 It happened a long time ago and we all make mistakes. Your regret means it won't happen again. Enjoy your relationship now, and put the past in the past where it belongs. If you tell him then he may be upset for no good reason.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (3 August 2010):
 Tough to answer. I do agree with the others that it was so long ago, it's not worth disturbing your relationship over. However, if your guilt is effecting you THAT bad, then it already is disturbing your relationship.
If it helps, I'd want to know about it if it was my wife. Would I be hurt? Yes. Would I be angry? Yes. But I'd like to think that the 8 years of marriage would override my feelings of being hurt and angry and would lead to me forgiving.
Don't get me wrong, ignorance is bliss so I'm not saying you should 100% tell him. But if you don't, you must make your mind up to take the secret to your grave.
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female
reader, Romani +, writes (3 August 2010):
when you made the "mistake" you were younger and had no idea that the man you were dating for a month would be our husband. Give your self a break! You had no ring on your finger at the time ! keep it to yourself. What counts is that you are faithful now and love him- live your life forward- dont get stuck on the past. If you tell him you might destroy your relationship or risk losing his trust. He will probably forgive you- but it's really unecessary to tell him. Good luck!
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (3 August 2010):
 Honesty is sometimes the best policy but this happened such a long time ago, and it was when you didn't even know how much you were going to love your fiance. This twirl to the past might get messy and are you prepare for his reaction, you just don't know what it might be. You might think he will stay because it was such a long time ago, but what if he feels offended and he actually leaves. Sometimes its better to leave the past where its at.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): I really don't think this has a bearing on your relationship now. He doesn't need to know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): No need to tell him now. Just as long as you haven't cheated on your husband since that time you should be fine. You seem to be really sorry for what you did, so hopefully that will not happen again.
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female
reader, i.love.you +, writes (3 August 2010):
 That guilt is rightly there, you should have told him by now but to be honest with you ... I wouldn't have told him within the weeks of doing it but 8 years is a long time to hold onto that ...
You were A) drunk, and B) young. Perhaps showing him this question you posted is a good idea, show him how guilty you are about it.
BUT TALK TO HIM FIRST!
Hope this helps :)
Regards,
Jade.
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A
female
reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (3 August 2010):
 I think if you tell him now it may make your relationship a bit messy. It happened so long ago... as long as it hasn't happened since.. take it to the grave.
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