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male
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anonymous
writes:It pains me to no end that my sister married a pathological liar. He lied about everything before they got married. He lied about his childhood, he lied about being in the army, he lied about what his family's line of work, he lied about being an athlete, he lied about smoking (she found out he was smoking all along!). Big or small, he lies about it and my sister knows the truth. She couldn't take it anymore and told him she wanted a divorce.They have a 1 and a half year old girl. He doesn't look after her the few times that he's free, our family does (he says he's not as attentive because of the way he was raised...) he hasn't been working in years since he was fired and my sister is always working long hours to support them with my parents looking after the baby because the husband is always at meetings with his team of entrepreneurs.With this "trial seperation", he moved out of the house and in with some friends that have some very troubled kids and big doberman dogs. My sister is worried about the baby and this environment given his track record looking after their little girl. After all this she's decided that it would be better to stay together because otherwise she can't control him when he's looking after the daughter.I think this whole situation is horrible! I really don't trust him either; he could be doing cocaine for all I know or seeing another woman during all these late "meetings". He doesn't help my sister or look after the baby and they don't trust each other anymore. What really gets me is my poor niece! What a horrible nightmare this is! My sister tells me that divorces are easier on the kids when they are too young to remember anything different but I still think it's bad that she's going to be lacking that father figure when she grows up. On the other hand, my sister simply doesn't trust her husband but is thinking about just getting back together because she can't control him when he's alone with their girl.I think this fear - provoked by the current environment he's in - is shortsighted but I'd like your opinions. Any thoughts? Should couples stay together for the kids?
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 one more thing would be the "team of entrepreneurs" is something called Amway Global. The way it works is that they have a bunch of products that they sell at a wholesale discount. It is wholesale warehouse meets online shopping to meet the western world's need for cheap, convenient shopping right at their fingertips. The way it works is word of mouth advertisement. Would you like to have a residual income for the rest of your life with a little work? blah blah blah...With a little work, provided you are a personable and friendly individual that is motivated for the right reasons, with the talents to sell a controversial idea. It is a legitemized pyramid scheme that has a base for being legal (the online prices that are sent directly from the warehouse)The people that make him the money are the people that he has recruited. they utilize their resources to make them as much money as possible. They ask all of the people, "are you interested in (the above)" and they say yes or no. If they say no then they ask, "are you interested in buying common things like energy drinks, sports products, or groceries at wholesale prices from the convenience of your own home?". Sometimes they will say yes, sometimes not. Anyway, that sounds good, but its not for one reason.Your sister's husband is a MORON. He is going to fail at it and he is going to spend an exorbitant amount of money in the process of failing. I figured I'd let you know what it is he is doing, exactly.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (27 April 2010):
no...
it was quite constructive...
if you decide to not do what I said for the simple fact that I painted a quite frank picture of what is going on, then you are a child as well...
What I said is true and the urgency with which I said it reflected the urgency of the situation.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 April 2010):
 It is great to see that you care so much about your sister's well being. May God bless you .
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn update: Trial separation continues. They're not talking. She's ignoring my suggestions to go see a psychologist so I'm just going to go instead to get some guidance on how to help with this situation. Thank you all for your kind input!
@IHateWomanBeaters - A note for the future:
Calling anyone's sibling stupid is not going to make them receptive to your comments. I'm sure someone as nice as your are to volunteer your time on this site would want readers to benefit from their unique life experience with thoughtful, constructive opinions that omit decidedly nonconstructive insults.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (7 April 2010):
@ OP
You HAVE to knock some sense in that stupid girl you call your sister.
She is your sister. Keep on reminding her of her options once a week until she breaks.
It sounds like it won't work, but it does.
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female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (6 April 2010):
 Sweetie - don't say you're never getting married! Trust me your sister had signs but I think she chose to ignore them. This is very common. It's just unfortunate that she had a child with this asshole.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 April 2010):
To stay in a dysfunctional marriage is wrong. It won't get any better but can only get worse and may end in violence or in some cases,death.
She should take the child and leave him and provide a better environment for the child to grow up.
Too much strife, abuse and sometimes violence is not conducive for little children to grow up in.
Living with the man in such a marriage because of the child is wrong morally and ethically.It not only harms the child but also the mother.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 April 2010):
The child only ever has to sense that the mother stayed there for it, and it will say 'mum would have left it was not for me being here, so it's my fault she is here'. That's exactly how they feel. It's pretty hard not to get full custody here too, but what is his track record like on looking after kids?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm never getting married.
Makes you want to hire a private investigator on your spouse before you get hitched.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe decided (but not acted upon it) to stay with him because even though it's bad now, she's not expecting a rainbow after a divorce. He would still be a jerk. It would not be amicable and they would certainly fight more. It would be hard on the daughter to deal with all the fights on top of everything else that comes with a divorce. He would most likely start asking to see her all the time but my sister would no longer have any control over the environment. Staying together she would be able to have a better say in those day to day decisions and make things easier for the daughter. She feels trapped and doubts divorce will solve that.
Did I mention I didn't like my brother-in-law?
@CaringGuy: This may differ from the UK, but the law in this jurisdiction would require exceptional circumstances like (hurting the child) to deny the father shared custody with access rights. My sister would have to deal with him all the time for the little one. I would be interested in hearing about how the child would blame themselves? Could you please elaborate on this point?
@IHateWomanBeaters: I agree with you on all the negative consequences of staying in a bad relationships. My sisters finds these to be the lesser of two evils with divorce being not being a solution in this case.
@Auntie E: Everyone puts on their best image before marriage. It turns out he was really good at it - REALLY good a it. We all had no idea. I don't think therapy would help but I appreciate your comments.
@Agony Auntie Smiles: Would you be so kind as to elaborate on your suggestions? How could they make the divorce "work"? How can the daughter be spare a life between to arguing parents?
I'm sad/mad/depressed and this isn't even my relationship... I appreciate your comments.
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female
reader, Agony Auntie Smiles +, writes (2 April 2010):
 There are times when parents should stay together for the kids but this does not sound like one of those. Your sister has you and a wider supportive family - she can do without him. It is not as if he earns big money and the comforts that brings - exactly the opposite plus he could be putting your niece in danger.
Men like you describe are a drain on resources and should be cut out of the lives of children as soon as possible. He'll be a bad example if he stays and the probability is that you niece will end up in a relationship with a worthless man too.
Social pressure to conform to the double parent family is not so strong. Children should always be put first. Your sister should divorce him and as soon as possible. Once she does that she should work to ensure that her daughter does not feel rejected by the father or sorry for this sad, inadequate man.
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female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (2 April 2010):
To answer your question NO! She needs to get this man out of her life now! How unfortunate that she had a child with him but she and the baby are better off without this guy. Listen to CaringGuy! He is spot on about this. I also think that your sister should make an appointment with a therapist to find out why she picked a guy like this in the first place? What was she thinking?
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reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (2 April 2010):
If you read this and you are in the same situation.
PEOPLE SHOULD NOT STAY WITH SOMEONE, "FOR THE KIDS".
That is the stupidest, most idiotic thing you can do.
The more you are sad, the more the kid is sad.
The more you are depressed, the more the kid is depressed.
Kids learn behavior from their PARENTS.
Be a parent and not a backless goon.
Leave your stupid fucking husbands or stupid fucking wives.
Get out and be happy so your child can be happy.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 April 2010):
Completely horrible, and totally wrong. He won't change, she'll get unhappier and the child will grow up in a repressed, unloved atmosphere and will probably blame itself and end up depressed (I've seen it). If she's worried about the safety of the child, she needs to leave and tell the lawyers that he can't be trusted. But to stay on behalf of the children is madness, because it will be the child who ends up hurt, confused and blaming itself for the rest of its life.
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