A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I were together four years (lived together/wedding booked). he cheated on me and started going with this other girl (I didnt know), he split up with me but maintained we were on a break. Treated me really badly - didn't say sorry and said he wasn't happy. Before the last couple of months of it he treated me amazingly - so completely unexpected behaviour.Anyways, throughout this he kept in contact (tried it on twice, I refused). I was obviously still heartbroken. he decided last week that he was amazingly sorry, it was a mistake, im the love of his life, etc. i was SOOOO happy. So we got together - since then, he has made nearly NO effort at all at showing he's sorry/i'm the one, etc, everything's negative and all about him. I'm going around in a min for dinner (i asked him to cook!) and am seriously considering telling him to just f**** off, everytime he's on the phone and he says things like he loves me (but less than he did) and how he does want me but only when he sees me and that he doesn't really think about me at all when we're apart makes me cry my eyes out, as I remember when he used to text me and email me the loveliest things, yet i need it most now. He doesn't like hearing he was a dick. I told him after what he did i need reassurance, but so far all i get is negativity - no phone calls, no loving messages, just 'yeah i do want us to work'. When i got really upset he just got pissy with me for crying as i repeat myself and it 'bored' him. He wants to now take it slow (now that i slept with him on fri) as he's worried he can't 'make an effort and he doesn't know why'. So far, i've been making more of an effort. I found myself not nagging him as i know that won't help, but how is that fair when he is so negative and gives me no assurance at all???Please can you tell me what to do. i really love him, and am willing to forgive, but he's making me more unhappy than happy. Surely I deserve better than this? Oh yeah, and it's my final year of uni - his timing is disgusting. Thanks guys
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female
reader, LibertarianLou +, writes (27 January 2010):
I'm sorry to be cynical. But are you having sex now that you 'not together' but he is 'exclusive to you'?Because if so my instinct is that he is getting sex from you without having to commit to a future or make any effort to make it work. He may say he's agreed to be exclusive. But I am just visions of an argument two months down the line when he hooks up with someone else and then says its ok because technically you weren't "together" - whatever the hell he means by this. What is he sorting out? Why is it so hard to say you're "together"? Why does he expect you to wait the hell around while he sorts himself out?! It makes me so sad what you write about this other woman. It doesn't matter whether she's 'up to much' or which one of you is meaner/nicer/nastier/whatever... he is clearly disrespecting you both. Also are you getting this impression of her from him? Geez why on earth would be possibly lie or be biased? Sorry but I don't think this man will ever make you happy, and you should still ditch him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ever so much for your prompt and detailed responses. Unfortunately my question wasn't posted before I went round so am reading them the next morning. He carried on being distant last night and I said I'd had enough and deserved alot better, which he agreed with.
We came to the conclusion that it was all abit rushed and forced so we are going to take it slow and see what happens, as he knows that he cannot treat me like that and in his words, he doesn't want to blow this opportunity because he's acting stupidly. He has said he will focus on me and be exclusive to me but we won't be 'together' until he is sure he can assure me of his feelings, so a repeat of this doesn't happen. I hope it works.
I also know that the girl he left me for isn't up to much, I think it was more of a case that he could treat her like absoloute crap and she wouldn't care, as to me who gives him a hard time when he's nasty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): You do deserve better, and if the least you deserve respect. The suddenly hot and then cold behavior sounds immature and insecure. He might be thinking if you took him back so quickly, he could just as easily take it for granted again. He might be trapped and in denial of his own guilt, unleashing it on you because he does not know how to admit that he was a dick and own up and be responsible for his actions.
You have the upper hand now - ask for what you want and don't be afraid to move on and enjoy your senior year if he can't give it to you!
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A
female
reader, LibertarianLou +, writes (19 January 2010):
How can you possibly think this is going to work out or ever make you happy? He makes a tiny bit of effort when he thinks he might not get what he wants but then as soon as he gets it he can't be bothered. What a loser. Perhaps the girl he went off with got wise to it and chucked him. You should do the same. He is making you so unhappy and he doesn't even care. He's been unfaithful. You're going to be driven into paranoid misery and then he will blame you for driving him away. Get out now, it will be hard but you'll feel better once you've made the decision for yourself and taken control. Then keep busy, IGNORE HIM IF HE TRIES TO CONTACT YOU. Write down all the pathetic disrespectful things he does and exactly how bad they make you feel, then write how good you feel when you're doing fun things without him. Read the list over if you are ever tempted to go back to him. And don't give him the satisfaction of anymore sadness. I would break up with him in a really nice polite way. Just explain that he's a bit childish and not what you're looking for, he's not making you happy and you've grown a lot since you've been apart, you've developed new interests, met other people, moved on and generally expect more. Tell him its not his fault, he can't help the way he is, and you hope he finds someone who's right for him who can't stand it (tbh he may well do as far too many women put up with this rubbish). He will get a massive shock. After all if he's lost two women from being this stupid (maybe more, how would you? He is clearly happy to lie and be dishonest) perhaps it will teach him to grow up. But DON'T go back to him. He's had his chance, blown it, and you've been incredibly nice to give him a second one. He's not proving himself to be deserving of it, so get out.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 January 2010):
Come on, girl. Look at this through clear eyes, instead of those lovey dovey ones. He cheated, kept contact and tried to use you, before coming back. Now he's telling you that you're 'boring him'? He's not reassuring you, he's staying distant. He doesn't love you at all. My bet is he and this other girl split, and he came back to you to use you. Pleas dump this guy and move on. You do deserve better, and you can do better.
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A
male
reader, Anadin +, writes (19 January 2010):
 I think your effort and energy is being wasted on this guy, hes not showing his 100% devotion or that he truely regrets being sorry, if he is feeling sorry and punishing himself for it inside (if he is that sort of person) then he should do it alone and not with you in tow because its still keeping yo on a line, you have also said that he cannot make the effort ad dosent know why.....i can tell you thats a bleeding cop-out there....the grass looked greener on the other side, but it certainly didnt taste as nice. hes not 100% into you in my opinion
Once bitten twice shy is what i will say to you....stay away and wait for him to start comming to you, go have fun with friends, family etc and enjoy urself, keep him in the back of ur mind, make him show you he wants you...he cant have everything his way!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): He didn't time this. And your final year of uni sounds like good timing if you ask me! You're just about done, and can start life on your own without the need from anyone, let alone a negative boyfriend.
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