A
female
age
51-59,
*ee1721
writes:if my husband emails and call his exgirlfriend who he cheated on me with when we were dating and he's telling her how she's pretty and her lips are so invting. would that be considered cheating?
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female
reader, LibertarianLou  +, writes (19 January 2010):
I think the question is, do YOU think it's cheating? And does HE think it's cheating?
The same rules don't work for everyone, some people would say that's totally cool, some would say it's a hanging offence.
The fact that you're asking us tells me that you feel insecure about it and aren't happy about it. If so, you don't need that validated by us - you have the right to not be ok with it.
There is so much you don't say though - like, why did you decide to forgive him when he cheated before, how did he convince you he was trustworthy?
In terms of whether you really have anything to worry about (because I'm guessing you're more worried by what else could happen, not the messages themselves) I think there are two good tests. Firstly ask yourself...
1) How do you know about these emails/calls? Because if he showed you or was basically happy for you to see/hear them, it's more likely to be that he doesn't consider them important and doesn't feel he's done anything wrong. (OR he's completely selfish and simply doesn't care if you get hurt or he loses you, and only you know if that's the case!) If he's hidden them (and you've been snooping) he obviously thinks he's doing something you wouldn't like - and is doing it anyway, which is bad news in itself. Also you obviously don't trust him - quite a big lack of trust if you're going through his stuff. I think if it gets to that point the r.ship is a bit effed anyway tbh.
2) Does he spend time with this girl, and does he ever invite you along? Is it with others, or just the two of them?
I would ask him outright about these emails etc. In a very non-confrontational way. Just sau "oh you said such and such to Helen (or whatever she's called) in an email I came across/call I overheard/etc (if this is plausible - as I say if you've been snooping then I'd just forget it anyway).Do you think she might have got the wrong idea? I could get the wrong idea so I can see how she might." And watch his reaction.
And - assuming they're good mates and that's why they talk (if not you have to ask why they still do... bad news) but assuming they are mates, why not suggest to him that you invite her out somewhere with you and others/to a house party/to be set up with a single male friend who you think she'd be perfect for/etc? Say she sounds really incredible and you'd like to get to know her better. Again watch his reaction. (This will also make you seem incredibly secure and probably dimish her power in both your eyes and his - honestly, it's true.)
If he's nervous, jumpy, defensive, takes these as accusations of guilt, angry, thinks it would be weird etc about either of the above, be cautious and outright confront him, calmly, and ask him if there's any truth.
If he's warm and relaxed and unthreatened by the above, you're almost certainly fine.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 January 2010):
 It is inappropriate. Emotional affairs are as damaging as physical affairs.
I keep thinking that people close to my age should be smarter than to do something like this.
FA
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 January 2010):
Well, it's not a good sign. If he cheated on her with you, then he can certainly go back to her and cheat on you. Have a talk with him quickly.
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