A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a question about men standing up for their partners. My husband today told me a story about a woman at a wedding who was being picked on by another female guest. The woman went on and on but the lady who was being picked on's husband did nothing. I asked my husband ' didn't the husband do anything, stand up for her or say we are leaving etc ' but he said the husband carried on sitting there and did nothing. Now I have been in situations before with my husband who has chosen to do nothing when people have not been nice to me and this subject is like a red rag to a bull!! He feels that I am capable of standing up for myself and it is down to me to deal with it. I really feel it is not and that he should defend my honour and do something. What do you feel. This subject raises it's ugly head with us every few months and turns into a screaming row and then us not talking so your views would be very helpful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): I agree with your husband. You are a grown woman, you can and should find your own battles. If something is between you and another person, then it's between you and them only. Leave your husband out of it.The kind of behavior you want your husband to do, is more appropriate between parent and child. If a child is being picked on and is in over their head or in harm's way then of course the parent should step in and save them. Thus, it would be appropriate for your husband to save you if you were in SERIOUS danger, like if someone was physically attacking you (then again it would be the right thing to do for anyone to help someone who is in grave physical danger). I mean, if you were being physically attacked, then anyone who is in a position to save you should do that, whether it's your husband or a complete stranger passing by. Why do you want to infantilize yourself? I think it is appropriate for your husband to be willing to listen if you want to share your upset feelings towards someone else, but asking or expecting him to fight your battles for you is childish.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): I think there are different times to stand up for a partner. I too, am able to stand my own ground, ( my partner calls me a fire cracker, or his little Jedi warrior)he finds this side of me amusing however when their has been serious 'insult' to me heas torn the culprit to bits (including close family). He would (never support or protect me, if he though i was in the wrong)this is a major factor in situations like this. Our roles have reversed on occasion, when a self confessed violent nutcase, came looking for my partner and lunged out to grab him, I jumped in front and stopped the momentum from developing and told him to let go, or I would deck him( this humoured, shocked, silenced, changed)that moment, that REALLY could of ended tragedy.My point- my partner could quite easily defend himself and has no fear but had my intervention not taken place things would have got out of hand. Also it was my natural instinct to protect who I love, but if he was in the wrong, I would have decked both of them?Stand up for the truth.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 Caring Aunty A brought up a fantastic point. There's a very different dynamic when it comes to family. My husband's parents (specificly his mom) originally didn't like me, though when all was said and done, her dislike had nothing to do with me, but focused more on her feeling like I was competition for her son and the fact that she was sure that I was looking down on their financial standing, as I came from a better financial background.
In that case, my husband (boyfriend at the time) helped me facilitate a meeting with them that lasted hours. He did stand up for me and, while he didn't shut them up from saying what they wanted, he kinda "refereed" the whole meeting. To this day, I admire how he handled it with the "I'm on everyone's side" level of tact and respect. The fact now that I love them dearly and they love me like a daughter, I can attribute to my husband's hands off facilitation. There was residual friction after that meeting, but he explained his parents' motivations to me, and explained me to them.
My family liked him right away, though my mom had issues with my being the first person to leave the home, and briefly saw him as trying to take me away, which led to her becoming upset at him one day. In that case, I stood up for him while being sensitive to what my mom was going through. To this day, she feels bad, and no hard feelings on anyone's part. My parents love him as a son.
When it comes to family, each issue is different.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 June 2013):
 IF was I as being attacked physically by anyone I would hope my husband would intervene.
If I as being verbally accosted by someone I can hold my own and would hope my husband if there would respect that about me. A woman picking on me takes her life in her hands if she thinks she will escape unscathed by my tongue. My husband would stand back and laugh as I chewed her to bits.
IF a man was verbally insulting due to being drunk or otherwise impaired I am sure my husband would defend my honor not that I would need it. A physical attack... the man would die. I can promise you that.
but verbally, I can hold my own and my husband likes and respects that aspect of my personality.
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (24 June 2013):
 There should be a certain level of support for you, but you should be able to stand your own ground at your age. Partners should have your back and I'm a bit like YouWish on this one - my husband has to calm me down if anyone crosses him. I've also been like that with family. I remember years ago a gang of blokes were trying to attack my brother so me and my girlfriends stood round to protect him as he dealt with the biggest of the group. While the others were trying to kick him in the head, my girlfriends and I wielded our handbags to awesome effect, even knocking one chap off a sea wall!! My husband is a shy chap, but I'm fairly sure he'd stand up for me if needs be, but he equally knows I am quite capable of holding my own - he calls me his "little Dalai Lama" when I kick off!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): I wouldn't expect my husband to stand up for me, but I would expect him to support me and walk away with me. I would not expect him to support a person who was attacking me verbally. If he did, that would start a fight between us.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 Story is; there was a time when I would have appreciated some backup from my partner… On this particular occasion we were sleeping over his parents place. After dinner he and I went out dancing and returned home late, way passed the time ‘he’ had given his Mother.Next morning his Mother being upset by this, started to ask questions in a noisy manner... why were you so late, what did you do after closing time, the clubs close at 10:00pm? As a stranger to this line questioning I found it to be intrusive. He remained silent like a child having done something wrong!? But I answered her questions as I would my own Mother in good humour.Yet somehow that didn’t go down too well and he just sat there, and sat there, and sat there, while I got the history of previous daughter-in-laws mistreating her and how she won’t put up with blab blab blab etc. Like what the waffle and shyte happened here, I wondered!?Point is I saw that he didn’t have a backbone when it came to his Mother and on another occasion when his brother was ripping into me… yet he could positively scream the house down by my asking him later, to kindly stand up for me in future, when picked on by his family! Thankfully to date I’ve taught him how to acquire a polite backbone :)However as much as I can defend myself with standing up to people of no consequence like in this Wedding scenario, I would still expect my man to say something to people that matter to me! And if that female guest mattered, in that she started to make that lovely day so unpleasant, she would have got a very polite version of; shut the *uck up, from my man :)Cheers – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): I have this issue with my husband also. We don't argue and scream at each other because of that, but I told him several times that I would really like him to say SOMETHING sometimes I don't think partners should always be involved. It's true most people can stand up for themselves. But there are situations when a man NEEDS to stand up for his wife, girlfriend if it's something that turning into insult or physical violence. I had several situations when I got into argument and actually physically pushed by a guy who then turned on yelling at me. He was very big man, taller and much bigger than my husband. My husband did get involved by telling this man watch his tone of voice. But what shocked me is his wife of that man who was just standing there listening to the whole thing, hearing what I said that her husband pushed me and saying nothing. She just stand there looking at everyone. I can't even imagine my husband acting like that man ever, but If he did I would deffinitely say something and would apologized to a woman and wold try to stop that horrible scene. you also need to consider your husband personality. Mine is very quiete type who would never yell at me or anyone else. I understand though where you are coming from. Sometimes I just want him to say something instead of me. It's always has to be me who is a bad cop.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (23 June 2013):
I think you should be able to handle yourself, however, I do think that it is inconsiderate of him to just sit there and ignore people being rude and mean to you. I don`t think it`s solely the man`s job/responsibility to do the standing up for or defending of everyone. I do think that it does show some lack of caring if EITHER partner sits there and lets the other partner be subject to verbal abuse of threats.
When my hubby was being loudly and continuously complained to and nasty things said by some woman in the supermarket, he mostly just ignored her. But after maybe a minute, I got fed up and stood up to her for him. I have also stood up for him when my dad was being a jerk. He has also stood up for me too. It's very uncomfortable to be sitting there when someone is yelling at and being rude to your partner. If they were giving it back as good as they were getting it, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but if it's largely one-sided then it seems natural that the other person should/would jump in for support.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2013):
 Well, if you can have screaming rows with your husband, then you can stand up for yourself, can you ?
I think your husband should intervene in case you risk physical harm, or maybe if someone is harassing you by insulting you , threatening you, calling you names... But a verbal confrontation with another woman, a spot of bickering in practice ? Someone not " being nice "? You can handle that by yourself- you are not a minor, or mentally incapacitated, you've got a tobgue too to speak your mind- or YOU can say " I am leaving " if you don't want to argue. I really wouldn't play the damsel in distress card more than strictly necessary, after a certain age is sort of looks sort of funny too.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 June 2013):
There is only one instance when I'd want my husband to stand up for me, and that is if another man started groping me or physically attacking me. Otherwise, I'm pretty strong. If another woman tried to pick on me, I'd verbally reduce her to ashes. The best support my husband could give me would be after the altercation was over, after we had left, and then I could hug him and vent.
Otherwise, I can well handle myself against another woman or even groups of women. I'm kinda perplexed that you're in situations where people not being nice to you is a recurring thing that causes a recurring issue between you and your husband. That isn't normal, and I wonder why you're getting yourself into situations where this is happening.
Truthfully, in my family, it's actually the other way around. My husband would have to restrain ME if someone got in his face or if I hear about some nasty co-worker making his life miserable. I remember one meeting where someone criticized an idea my husband had, and he was getting ugly with it, and my husband had to almost drag me out of the room because I went off and berated the guy for trying to publicly put my husband down. And don't get me started about if someone does harm to my son.
I don't think it's a guy's duty to step into an issue between women. I want to handle things myself, and I know I can. I've never backed down from a confrontation, and I know my husband respects me for it.
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