A
male
age
30-35,
*eviantLearner
writes:Hi,I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 24months or 2years and in that time we both have not had sex. We are each others 'first' boyfriend/girlfriend, we started dating in our 20s and both virgins. Though we have not had sex, I very often perform oral or 'touch' her. I do this because I know that she enjoys it and more than often I am able to get her to orgasm. However when it comes to me...I don't get any of that treatment in return.To be fair she has 'tried' to give me a handjob and blowjob but this is after months of begging and even then she would only do it half-hearted. I understand that a blowjob isnt appealing so I was able to rule this task out but...no handjob either. She also won't give me a handjob unless I am wearing a condom and again...she will only do it half-heatedly. I have not once achieved been given an orgasm by her.With this brief backstory, I need to know; am I being selfish in wanting sexual stimulation as well? We have seen each other naked and I Am willing to kiss and lick wherever to make her feel good. I just wish she would do the same for me...
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male
reader, DeviantLearner +, writes (26 June 2013):
DeviantLearner is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank-you for the advice and input. They were all helpful.
I will talk to her first and get some answers and see if we can figure things out and from there...I will need to do some soul-searching I guess.
Thank-you again, everyone!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 Wow. I'm sorry you are having this problem. And it appears to be her problem to a large degree.
FWIW I agree with Chigirl and I LOVE giving my guy blow jobs.
It sounds like she has major problems and phobias or hang ups about adult sex. If she refuses after two years (and you are both over the age of 18 and therefore legal) to seek professional help to overcome her concerns and issues with this, then I would stop pleasing her and I would consider ending the relationship.
A healthy sexual relationship (and the ability to discuss it rationally) is a huge part of an adult romantic relationship.
If you are not abstaining from sexual relations due to religious reasons (i.e. no sex till married) then that's one issue but that does not seem to be the case here.
If she refuses to discuss it, or go for counseling, let her know that you will not be able to tolerate the lack of reciprocal sexual activity and will have to consider ending the relationship. THEN when she says she will change and work on the problem, sit down with her and set a time frame for her to find a competent counselor and schedule an appointment. DO NOT let her drag this out too long.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 So the problem is cultural, it seems. In addition to her being.. I guess immature, childish. She thinks a penis is ugly and is SCARED of it. In what world is that normal? It is unnatural to have such a reaction to a penis. I wonder if her parents were tough on her and taught her that a penis is a bad thing, and that she will go to hell if she as much as looks at one?Also, the lack of education is eminent. She doesn't know how babies are made. She actually believes that by touching your penis with her hands she can get pregnant. She actually believes this, otherwise why ask you to wear a condom for a hand job? In addition she finds the penis revolting. This says something about her psychological development. She's not mature in her head, she thinks a penis is something ugly and scary.. This speaks volumes of her view on natural things and body. She has a very negative image of the body. It's an unhealthy image, to be honest. She will never do any research on her own, I am afraid. She doesn't want to. She genuinely dislikes your body and your penis. Maybe she's a closet lesbian? In fact, seeing as she enjoys oral, but hates your penis, she sounds very much like she could be lesbian. Whatever he is, or whatever her problem is, it is clear she will never have sex with you out of her own free will and desire. And since YOU are NOT asexual, or a woman without a penis, I highly recommend you end this relationship. This is as weird as it gets, really, and you have every right to want more. You've just accepted this because you don't know any better, as this is your first relationship. But if you stay with her you'll die a virgin, I can tell you that much. A virgin and untouched and unwanted sexually for the rest of your life. Because such a true FEAR (yes, fear) of a penis doesn't just magically vanish. If you really don't want to let her go, you must absolutely get into counseling. For her, for most part, but perhaps couples counseling can help to. But she needs to talk to a doctor about this phobia of penises and pregnancies. It's not normal, and she needs to either get help and work on it, or she can't be in a relationship with you (or any other man). She needs to get her doctor to teach her about sex, and how babies are made, and about contraception. She also needs to be refereed to a therapist (or psychologist), because the underlying issue here isn't just the fact that she doesn't know the first thing about sex. It's also that somewhere along the way, someone made her think a penis was horrible, and something she should stay away from. Sounds like she was shamed. But only a professional will be able to give a proper analysis. But really, take this to heart: you're not asking for something unreasonable. The problem is, you've asked for too little, and accepted this irrational and unnatural behaviour from her for too long. She now thinks it's acceptable behaviour, because you haven't reacted for two years. She's in for a big surprise if she tries to date a man who's actually been in a relationship before, because this wont fly. It's one thing to not want sex for religious reasons, or because you want to wait until marriage etc. It's quite another to not want sex because you're scared of the penis. Unless she tackles the issues she's got with your penis, and learns to accept you for how you look, and works on herself to the degree that you can have a normal sex life, then you should end the relationship. She wont ever have sex with you, after two years she still finds your penis disgusting. I'm telling you, it's not normal. I never met a woman who acted the way your girlfriend does. And I talk to women about sex, I talk to all my girlfriends about sex, and the ONLY time anyone ever found a penis disgusting was when they were 12-14 years old. So I don't think your girlfriend is mature, to be honest. I think she's mentally underdeveloped. Which can only be addressed by a professional. In the childhood and teenage years you experiment with sex, and as an adult you learn about it and show an interest in it. That is what is normal. You are normal. She is not. Don't think that you are not normal, or asking too much. You're perfectly normal, and your request is perfectly reasonable. But you wont get any sexual intimacy with her, because she's got severe problems. Not just small issues that every woman has. Some women don't like oral, I know... but they never FEAR the penis or make a man wear a condom just to touch it.. Nor do they get startled when they see a penis..!I doubt she will change though, really. After two years, she's not changed or developed, and she probably never will. You deserve a natural relationship with a normal sex life, and to feel what it's like to be wanted and loved.. not feared. Staying with her will scar you, I'm afraid. You'll come to think your penis is something ugly, you already show too much "understanding" for her situation. Your penis is a natural part of your body. Not something ugly. The body fluids are natural too. If someone finds them disgusting, then they are not mentally ready for a relationship. Remind yourself how babies are made. It's a natural process that includes a lot of bodily fluids. If it was natural to be disgusted by them then the human race would be extinct. You are normal. She is not.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (24 June 2013):
Dear OP,
This situation is kind of stuck.
Maybe she's just not mentally ready for sex. She seems to find it ugly and weird and scary and no matter how much you perform this or that on her, it won't change.
Also pushing her to do research won't change. It doesn't come from her. It's not her wish. She just keeps making those promises to keep you.
Look, I believe it's just too much for her to handle.
Just talk to her and say that it's not working out for you like this. Don't make her promise you anything or tell her how wrong she is, just say that you can't go on with a one-sided relationship like this. If she's not willing to explore her issues or confront her fears, then accept that. But you have the right to leave.
Men and women have the right for sexual pleasure, as long as they don't force it upon someone else. Your wishes are normal, but maybe your girlfriend is just not able to satisfy them, so don't push her. Decide whether you'd rather break up or stay sexually unhappy, because that is your personal freedom. You can't change her, but you can change yourself.
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A
male
reader, DeviantLearner +, writes (24 June 2013):
DeviantLearner is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again,
Sorry about the lack of information.
First of I would like to verify/confirm that nothing is stopping us from proceeding further.
The very first time I shown her my body she would totally freak out when she saw my Penis. So I told her I will wear a condom until she gets used to the idea of touching it raw. But now it feels like she is abusing it, like now she won't even be near my penis without the condom.
There was a short period where she would touch it raw and slightly lick it but she would totally spas-out when she saw the juices and she would do about anything to avoid it. On one rare occasion she tried giving me a blowjob she felt the juice and just start coughing uncontrollably like she had drank acid, not a whole lot of juice mind you, just a slight droplet or possibly smaller than that.
From what I know her school did not teach her sex-ed, instead they focused more on home development. I have asked her to look into sexual pleasures for men for me but every time I ask her "how is your research? Want to ask me anything?" responses are either "Yes! I am! But I am just not ready!" or "I have been working all day and I am tired. I don't have any time!" and more than often we have had fights over this because I do want more.
I understand her reasoning for not wanting intercourse because of 'pregnancy' I have brought up 'safe-sex' but she just spins it around and we end up in circles.
Again this is a 2year relationship and I have 'gone-down' on her plenty of times and helped her achieve orgasm. As for me I have not ONCE been given an orgasm by her.
I am not wrong in also want sexual stimulation? To be pleasured by her?
[I thank-you for everyone's assistance, I am just so confused now]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): It is inconsiderate for your girlfriend to only be on the receiving end, but just because you're comfortable giving her oral doesn't mean she has to be. Are you only stimulating her to please her or do you actually enjoy giving? Personally, I think genitals are disgusting to look at no matter who they belong to. Chigirl would probably call me prude and childish, but that's my opinion. I never heard anyone refer to people's private parts as beautiful. My friend gives her boyfriend blowjobs, but she certainly doesn't enjoy it. She just does it to please him. Heck, one of my friends who is obsessed with her boyfriend and can't be single for that long has no desire for sex. I also disagree with chigirl on her statement that a blowjob isn't disgusting - which is actually subjective. Transmitting germs isn't appealing, which includes french kissing. But who thinks that much, right? If everyone did, no one would do anything or leave their house. While sex is an important component to a healthy relationship, a "grown up" relationship I would say involves communication, understanding, and compromise.Would you feel better if your girlfriend pretended to wholeheartedly please you? It doesn't seem so by your post, which is good because I think that means you're open to discussion and what the other party feels. BUT, have you asked your girlfriend why she does things reluctantly? Is she in fact, scared of your penis? What's going on? The proper thing to do isn't to ask people if you're being selfish. Cause what are you going to do with the answers you get here? Accuse your girlfriend of being selfish when you're so generous? I can only assume that most people would empathize with you, quite rightfully so. Of course people who are in a relationship want to be sexually stimulated by their partners. Anyone who doesn't know that shouldn't be in a grown-up relationship I would be so bold to say. Talk to your girlfriend and if she is in fact unwilling to reciprocate simply because she doesn't want to, then end the relationship. If she is in fact scared, you can either move on to someone else or work on her fear. And just because she isn't scared of you giving her oral doesn't mean she can't be scared of giving you oral.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 June 2013):
First off, you are having sex. You're not having intercourse, but you are having sex. Oral sex is sex. Hand jobs, touching, that's sex too. Even kissing can be considered sex. You've just not had intercourse. And why not? You didn't tell us why. You're both old enough. You don't mention any religious reasons for not having intercourse, and if there were religious reasons I suppose you wouldn't be doing anything oral or touching either.
So what's the story here? Why aren't you going all the way after two years together? Her lack of interest in you sexually might have something to do with is. She's not that into you sexually. Maybe she isn't sexually attracted to you? Maybe she's got some weird shame-issues going on and has a slight penis-scare? I mean, why does she want you to wear a condom for a hand job? What's the purpose of that? Does she think you can get her pregnant by her just touching your penis?
A blowjob isn't disgusting or not appealing. I love giving blowjobs. They're amazing. It's certainly not less appealing than you going down on her, it's all body parts and body fluids.
So, what is her issue? Does she know how sex works? Did they teach her at school, or has she read up about it? She sounds almost scared of your penis, for some reason, and I can't think of any logical one.
This isn't normal though, I can tell you that much. She's prudish on the extreme scale, and I doubt you will have much sex with her in the future. You're NOT wrong to want more. You just can't blame her for not wanting it. All you can do is think about this: is she worth going through life with no sex, intimacy of that kind? It's not a grown up relationship without sex, and she's acting like she's 14. Such behaviour from an adult woman is not normal.
Dig deeper into this, ask her why she acts this way. Then come back and tell us what you found out.
Btw if I was in your shoes I'd leave. This is a kids relationship, not an adult one, and she's being selfish on top of it. If she's so scared of sex then how come she lets you go down on her? Something weird is going on here, and you need to figure out what, and if this is really worth it. I think you would be much happier in a more functional and adult relationship. This isn't how women normally behave.
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