A
female
age
41-50,
*rinandtim
writes:I met him during my divorce and his divorce.We both have 2 kids from our marriages.We got serious immeditately.He moved us in after 6 months.Sex was constant and phenominal.Our kids got along fabulously.Then he found FaceBook and old crushes and new crushes.He suddenly and harshly wanted us out.He was rude and insensitive and harsh about it.I found a text w him trying to get another girls number.He took her out and stayed the night with her.I found a shitty townhome to rent and moved out utterly destroyed and heartsick.I truly thought he was my soul mate and best friend.We are 33 and 34 and our kids are 7 to 10 yrs old.He kept coming back saying he loved me, cant stop thinking of me.Then hed blame me and leave again.More girls later and one with the largest breasts Ive ever seen and again hes back.Because no guy ever gives me the connection he and I shared I agreed.Its been almost 2 months and we get along better than before...sex is even better.But then I broke down and blew up on him cuz of the past.Should I try to understand and forgive
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 No. You can forgive once. Maybe twice. But what do you want to do, keep forgiving him for the rest of your life ? That would not be forgiveness, that would be helping him to abuse you !
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): I say don't move back to him. Yes, it seems like you've got the shorter end of the stick, but I'm telling you, if you give yourself at least half a year if not 3 months, you will start to not miss him as much. Look forward, not backwards...but look forward to a future with you and your kids in it. Do you want a lousy partner? You just divorced one and now you're jumping into another lousy relationship? Is that what you want for your kids too? You've got the power to do anything, use this time to really evaluate what it is you want in life, what you want for your kids, what you want to do in the future. Think of it this way, do you want to be miserable constantly or do you want to be happy and fulfilled. Right now, it does feel like he's the only one for you, but listen...it's always like that when you're on the rebound. You think he's the best thing ever, but he was the best thing ever to help you to get over the fact that you are divorcing a man and jumping in bed with another. Yes, you both went through the same thing together...divorces, but is that all there is? Is it sex, a few laughs, a history shared of divorces? There should be friendship (he should be your best friend and honestly, best friends don't hurt you or tell you to move out adn then tell you they love you), he should be your confidant, your team mate, someone that's there to support you, someone that doesn't go looking for other women to "ride" cause he's already got you and any other woman wouldn't matter to him cause you're his woman. And anyway, do you really want to be with someone who's already slept with half of the town and get STDs? Nooooooo there are other men out there. Yes, it doesn't seem like it, but there are. And these men will definitely treat you so much better than the one you are with. You are worth it...so think of that and fall in love with you first...find out what you love to do..rediscover yourself. You are a good person. Believe in you. You are the team leader of your family. Now do it!!!
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 I think you have every right to be mad at him!!! He broke your heart after you had seemingly done nothing wrong. Don't let this sorry excuse for a man walk all over you, stand up for yourself. Show him that you won't be taken for a ride any longer. Either demand more commitment from him (no other women, no facebook) or show him the door, hoping that it hits him on the arse on the way out!!!
Don't be a doormat hun, you don't deserve it!
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A
female
reader, Determined Diva +, writes (11 February 2011):
 Girlfriend, STOP! LOL
My head is still spinning from that ride! Do your self and
your kid a favor and find a new Carnival! It's not even worth the headache and the drama, LET IT GO! I had to let go of a 2 year relationship with a disappearing looser and user. It hurts, but at the same time it feels good! I'm learning how to focus on myself and I'm looking forward to greener pastuers! ( A REAL MAN! )
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (11 February 2011):
 Wow. This is a stormy relationship. If you are prepared for that kind of drama, nonstop, well then forgive him. However, past behavior is the best prediction of future behavior. Is this the life you want?
I am not a mental health professional, but he sounds as if he has a mental health issue - bipolar is my guess. Could be any number of things really. NPD and Borderline also come to mind. Google them and see if you recognize him in the descriptions.
You also must think of providing a stable home life for your children. I don't think he is a very good candidate for that, but that is your call.
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A
female
reader, iicandyxoxo  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 I think you should just move on.
DOn't fergive him cause he seems like those guys that dates you fer looks.
&& You don't want him to think that you are soft and gonna fergive him in a heartbeat everytime he doesn't have a GF.
How do you know he isn't doing the same with 5 other girls?.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): Really depends on how much more you are willing to put your kids through. You might have been having a phenomenal time after the divorce but it could have been hard on them, just maybe alittle..
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female
reader, buterkup2 +, writes (11 February 2011):
oh honey, I relate. I am in a unhealthy, manipulative relationship. How can we be so attached emotionally to someone who treats us so badly? what sense does this make? Maybe they know how to manipulate us women so we get attached and withstand so much more than we ever thought we could. If you stay, forgiveness is one thing, forgetting is another. He will have to work on this too by rebuilding trust and being honest. don't rehash it often. if he is willing to work with you and is remorseful, then maybe. but i would set a boundary that if he cheats again leave for good, for your own sanity. no more chances
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (11 February 2011):
 Also, let me point out to you that IF you had done this to him, he would have never wanted you back. Ask him what he would have done if the roles were reversed? My hunch is that he wouldn't have been very forgiving, yet somehow, as women, we take on these great burdens because we love someone and have great connections. Truly, we are only hurting ourselves. You didn't deserve this to happen to you and its unfair to live with this hurt every day.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (11 February 2011):
How, when your heart is broken?
I understand why he did it - men after a divorce are like teenage boys who have just discovered sex.
However, this must have hurt you beyond words. How can you overcome such betrayal. In the end you have to love yourself and be your own best friend. Someone that is truly your soul mate would not have done this to you. Now its difficult to move past the resentment and hurt. He on the other hand is happy as he can be - he had his fun and now has a great girl.
You need to do what gives your heart most peace and happiness. If leaving him will make you more sane and less hurt then that is the right path to take. If you feel he you can move beyond the past through counseling than do it. HOwever, I'm not sure that is entirely possible.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): You are old enough and intelligent enough to see what this guy is doing is no good. Is this the example you want to set for your kids, or is it you cant stand being alone, it seems you haven't really been by yourself since your divorce, one relationship ended and the new one began. You keep mentioning the sex as is that is the only bind that ties you, no matter how much he disrespects, sleeps with other women, kicks you out of the house, not only you but your kid too, but it's ok, the sex is great, so I guess it's all worth it? You need space to be by yourself and figure out what you want and maybe get some self respect and dignity back and stop using this guy as a crutch. And also find someone who will treat your kid better as well. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): you have too much going on to deal with his drama. get a stable environment for you and your children and tell him to figure out what he wants. when he does then talk to him again
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 February 2011):
 I guess you never really talked about the status. I don't blame you. Women have a dilemma. When women have their relationship talk with their men, they feel smothered. If women don't talk, it gets very vague and you never know whether he just wants sex. We wish we could be carefree and just live in the moment, until something comes up to haunt that dream. Constantly moving or thinking about moving is stressful and unfair for you, so you have to honestly share your feelings and state your boundaries with him. Every time you have this fear of him leaving, it's a sign that you become more intimate and vulnerable with your love to him. He has to show that he feels sad when he sees you sad. You have to express to him that you wish he can take care of your feelings and be your emotional rock. Whenever you have fear, counter it by becoming more loving because love is the absence of fear.
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