A
female
age
30-35,
*ujubie
writes:I have been dating this guy for about three months. We just became officially boyfriend and girlfriend about three weeks ago. Last week I was at his house when he ran to drop something off I got on his computer and did some snooping. Well there is this girl I have always been suspicious about and asked him multiple times if he had ever been involved with her and he said no. Well I found messages from the both of them from the time we had been in a dating relationship that said that he wanted to sleep with her and that he had feelings for her etc. I confronted him about it and we talked through it all and I know he has really big trust issues so he was really upset at me for invading his privacy. He got very upset and cried a little bit when I told him how hurt i was and that I was worried i couldn't trust him after that and i didn't know if i should continue seeing him or not. But regardless we worked it out and I told him I didn't want him to see her but if he was to tell me before hand. But now whenever I'm not with him I feel panicked and worried and it makes me feel sick because I am thinking that if he's not with me then he's with her. I know in my brain that he isn't but I can't stop myself from worrying. I want to trust him but idk how to after that. Please tell me any how I can stop doing this. Whenever I'm with him I feel amazing and totally secure but when I'm not I feel paranoid. Can I bring this up to him even though we have already talked about it? Should I trust that he will tell me the truth even though he lied already? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 January 2013):
 You did not trust him in the first place and you snooped without any true reason to. Other than you didn't trust him.
then you got proof that he lied.
now you want to know now to trust him again?
you mean how to learn to trust him in the first place right?
you can't. YOU WILl NEVER TRUST THIS MAN.
My ex husband was like that. I found out he was emotionally cheating on me... (he lied too) and I NEVER was able to trust him 100% again.
My current husband... has never lied to me, never given me reason to doubt him and I trust him 100%. I would trust him 100% in a room of naked women....
If you cannot trust and do not trust there is NO relationship to be had.
A
female
reader, AProblemShared  +, writes (26 January 2013):
 I know I shouldn't but the way you casually threw in the snooping part made me chuckle a bit. Snooping is a hard force to resist when you have doubts already and although not many people would admit, I'm sure every woman, and most men, have either snooped or have been tempted to at some point or other. I'd say it's a good thing you did too because I can't imagine your BF telling you off his own back. The fact that he has blatantly lied to you about having any involvement with this girl should set alarms bells ringing. I don't think I'd be quite so forgiving and in all honestly wouldn't trust him. A relationship without trust isn't a relationship. I hope this helps and wish you all the best.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (26 January 2013):
 Sounds to me like hes wanting to play the field regardless of wat he says. Its his actions that do the talking at the end of the day.
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A
female
reader, Dayzy  +, writes (26 January 2013):
Actually, he can't trust you not to check on him, and you can't trust him not to cheat.
I think you looked on his computer because your instincts told you he was cheating. And you were right. Do you think you would have checked his computer otherwise?
Do you watch Dr Phi? He often says that he best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. Of course your bf turned the tables and accused YOU of not trusting him...oldest trick for someone caught inthe act of doing something they shouldn't. Didn't you try that one on with your parents... the indignant "You don''t trust me".
If he's messing around with this girl, then you have every reason not to trust him, and if you had to snoop on his computer to find out the truth, good. Better to know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): Heretohelp has a point; but I know that feeling and idk but i can tell if mh person is lying. Its no way to start a relationship, If I had found out all the things my boyfriend lied about when he lied about them, I would have left. Bit I fpund iut about three months later. But still I do not really trust him. When you start iff relationships that way, it sets the foundation, so you will always be somewhat worried it will always be in the back if your mind unless you can honestly forgive and trust them again. Sadly the only way to rebuild trust is to give trust... its not easy. Just think it over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): I think snooping is ok if u have a reason to doubt. N snooping is much better than getting betrayed after giving time n emotions to a relationship. If a guy is hiding frm you what he's doing behind his gfs back, n it gives no other option than to snoop n I don't feel anything wrong about it. If he's playing around behind ur back n that's right for him, then snooping is not a big crime.
And if you both are exclusive, then he shouldn't be writing mails to other girl about wanting to sleep with her. I don't think he can be trusted.
Good luck !
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A
female
reader, Jujubie +, writes (26 January 2013):
Jujubie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's seems like you are. I've never felt like this or acted like this in a relationship thus I am coming for advice on ways to trust him again. He is working through trusting me again as well. I never said I was a saint for a gf.
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