A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Ok, I need some insight. Without being too graphic, my boyfriend of over a year and a half and I had finished having sex and were lying in bed. Somewhere along the lines of us just talking he said that he really like when I’m on top and in reverse, but why don’t I want to face him. I commented back, joking, saying “well I figure the back looks better than the front” (meaning my body). He looked at me kinda funny and said "what do you mean?" I said “my back and butt are more toned/in better shape than my stomach or boobs.” He got a little upset and sat up saying that "I’m so insecure that I won’t even face him during sex?" He got upset, got up, put his clothes back on, gave me a quick kiss goodbye, and said he would call me later, then left. I in no way wanted this conversation to get this deep or for either of us to get upset. I am 5’10” and am a size 14 with b cup boobs. I am a little over weight, mostly in my stomach. And yes, I do work out as much as I can, at least 4-5 times a week, my problem areas are getting smaller, but just taking a while (which is frustrating in its own right, but that’s a different story). I do think that my boobs are too small for my frame and even though I like them touched and what not, I tend to shy away from having him do it. From the time I was 8; I have been criticized and judged because of my body. Anyway, do I have insecurities? Yes, most women do. I live in Hawaii with him, there are half-naked women everywhere with toned bodies, and do I have moments where I don’t feel as hot, sure. I think he looks at porn, I don’t know if he knows I know (if that makes sense), and sure I don’t feel as sexy as them. But the way I look is the way I was made, and because I don’t like some parts I am working to fix them. My point is should he really be upset? I didn’t mean for it to get to the point where he is mad. I feel really bad; I don’t want him to feel like I don’t trust him or anything, which to you guys I know sounds like I don’t trust him. I honestly, and truly thought, that he would be more turned on seeing the "good parts" of me I guess. How do I fix this? He is coming over this weekend and I want to make things better. Thanks ahead of time for any advice. xxx
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female
reader, peteloevely  +, writes (26 January 2013):
 A bit of an overreaction if you ask me, supporting those you love takes you further than storming out acting all offended.ok! it might not be true that you are not attractive, but you feel that way, and maybe support you since you are doing all you can to change that which YOU don’t like.Reminding you that he likes you and asking you to trust him on that works better... so just tell him to stop throwing tantrums it is not that big of a deal, I will bet you my left arm on the fact that he too has body insecurities... and I am a left handed.I know it because we all have them, we are constantly sold the image of perfecting, and most of us are so further away from that, it hurts.It is about learning to love what you got, and screw the rest. :)
A
female
reader, AProblemShared +, writes (26 January 2013):
 Your boyfriend clearly thinks that every lump and bump is adorable and could possibly be upset because, although you were joking, he might think that you think he doesn't love you enough to appreciate all of you during the most intimate time you could be having together. He obviously loves you and I'm assuming the 'problem' areas were there when you met? If so he doesn't care otherwise you wouldn't be this far in the relationship. Forget any criticism you've ever had, people can be so nasty. If he thinks your beautiful then who the hell cares what you look like, including yourself. I wish you well and hope you can sort things out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): Sounds like your boyfriend is being a bit of a drama queen. You have nothing to feel bad about. Everyone has their insecurities. You're human. Besides, I doubt you'll refuse to ever face him during sex. I'm sure at some point, you have or will. It was just a humorous comment. And truthful, too. But so what? You should do whatever makes you most comfortable, sweetheart. And he shouldn't have reacted that way. Most men know women are self conscious. That's when he should have been supportive instead of dramatic, and told you he thinks you're beautiful and perfect no matter what. Epic fail on his part.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): While I agree with the others to a certain extent, I don't think he should have got up and left like that. Of course insecurities are not great in a sexual partner, but everyone has them and he could have at least talked to you about it and tried to reassure you a bit. I do agree you should work on your self esteem though, but for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Dayzy  +, writes (26 January 2013):
Just ask him to meet you to talk about how you both feel.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (26 January 2013):
 I think he's probably offended you would rather not face him during sex and that you feel you cannot share your body with him. Whether you face him or not he can see your body and he knows what you look like. He is obviously attracted to you and to be honest men aren't going to complain whatever during sex! I think you would be offended too if he never wanted to look at you.
To make it up to him you need to find some courage and face him (literally). Show him he is the man you trust to see you - the whole you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
To Tisha-1, the women in my father's side of the family doesn't hold anything back when it comes to how you look, no matter how old you are. I haven't always been overweight, but I was always tall for my age and they loved pointing out that I was in some way a 'freak' because of that and many other stupid things. They even told me at 13 that I shouldn't eat dessert because 'it will only make me fatter'.
Thank you guys so much for your feedback. I feel bad that I made him upset. I'm going to talk to him about what happened tomorrow when I see him. I feel kind of silly now that I look at it.
Thanks again so much!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 January 2013):
 Insecurity is less attractive than a flawed body.
Women with minor flaws with confidence get a lot farther than a pretty woman with crippling insecurities. To a guy, it seems like you're needing validation and that gives off a needy/clingy vibe.
You're also not focusing on HIM during sex if you're so self-conscious. Men love women who are active, engaged, and into sex, not worried about hiding parts the whole time.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 January 2013):
 Who was judging you at age 8? And why do you think they were doing so?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 January 2013):
Men don't want to be with insecure women, just as women aren't really attracted by insecure men. Your comment told him that you think he doesn't think you are attractive. That's a pretty big blow to him. You've essentially told him that he's with an ugly woman.....
Men LIKE women to have curves. They LIKE and LOVE their women to be happy and secure and comfortable in their bodies. They ADORE women who adore them enough to trust their choice in a woman.
I'd say you need to do some major work on your self-esteem, urgently and learn to be happy in yourself, NOW, as you are, You are lovely and worthy of love and of being sexually desired, extra pounds and curves and all that.
Personally, I would tell you to get yourself into therapy, a gym,a walking program and into a discussion with other women who are less than perfect.
Your own insecurities are going to tank your chances at a fulfilling and loving relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 January 2013):
 I think he was upset because he sees you are gorgeous, and you don't.
He isn't with one of those "perfectly toned girls" he is with YOU, because he CARES about YOU.
Yes, I can see why he could be a little upset. Could be he feels like you are assuming HE doesn't like your body.
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