A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my wife for 6 months. She is a medical professional. One of her co-workers contacted me to ask me if she has problems because she is not enthusiastic or energetic about her work like she used to be, and made a “joke” about suicide the other day. She has been stressed with finances as she pays our mortgage and a lot of the bills because I am a contract worker and my income is sometimes irregular, and I have to pay maintenance for my ex and 2 kids. I sometimes spend weeks away for work. The kids live my ex and visit at weekends and holidays. We have no children together and she doesn’t have any of her own. (She wanted children but we decided against it due to financial reasons and because I’m quite a few years older than her and I wanted my kids grown while I was still young enough to be active with them.)I had noticed that she had been irritable and negative lately.I tried to ask her how she feels and her answer was “I feel insignificant but useful when necessary”.Should I tell her to see a professional or wait for her to get her head straight by herself?
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 May 2011):
 I agree 100% with KC...the problem she has is with the relationship. If a woman wants to have children but cannot because of a medical problem then she will have to try and come to terms with it. If a woman cannot have children because it doesn't suit her husband then she is NEVER going to get over it and will always have resentment. Men won't understand this but almost all women will.
The fact that she is also so heavily responsible for the major bills but not able to have a say in her future is most likely what is causing the irritability and negativity. In short she is feeling used, and out of some duty to you and your marriage, she is internalising her pain and it is affecting her health.
If you want to save your marriage, you have to talk to her openly and honestly. She might try to smooth over things but from her statement 'I feel insignificant but usefull when necessary' she is actually screaming out for you to realise that she is feeling extremely distressed and you need to take notice and try to allow her to express her anger.
It is a well documented fact that men are very good at manipulation and getting what they want and then assuming everything is ok on both sides but you need to allow her to have what she wants or the future of the marriage looks bleak.
Talk to her and let us know how it goes.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 She might need professional help. It seems like depression although I cannot be too sure. It's just the impression I got from how her co-workers seem to describe her as somewhat lethargic now and her response when you asked her how she felt. It seems a typical description of those afflicted with depression. I'd be cautious. You spend a lot of time away and obviously deep down she still wants children with you, so as you can see, there is a lot here that would feed depression if she was afflicted by it. Be wary of the amount of sleep she gets, be wary if she seems to lose her appetite quite frequently. Just watch her behavior so you can be sure.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 May 2011):
 It sounds actually like she might be having problems with your relationship rather than having a medical/mental health problem.
From her comment of “I feel insignificant but useful when necessary” this indicates she is feeling used by you, chances are it will be because of money - because she pays for most things so she may be feeling like you are using her just for money and the rest of the time she is insignificant.
Also the children issue will be playing on her mind and will be adding to feeling 'insignificant' - you already have your kids so you have your own family, whereas she wants kids but cant have them because of you. So there is no 'use' for her as a woman, she has been denied the one thing that makes you feel complete as a woman - having children. Now not all women want kids, but the majority do, and if you cant have kids, for whatever reason - you feel you have failed as a woman because that is what we are here for, to bring children into this world.
So she will be feeling very insignificant because she cant bring anything to this world or your relationship - you have everything she wants just with another woman, and all she brings to this relationship is financial security.
I really do feel for your wife, she must be hurting at the moment and I'm not surprised she irritable and negative. I suggest that you try and talk to her again, telling her that you are worried about her and want to try and help. Hopefully she will open up and talk to you, but if not, you should suggest marriage counselling as you are going to need a lot of help to get through this and if she cant open up in front of you, she is going to need someone else to help her open up.
From that comment you mentioned I am almost certain the root of her unhappiness is the relationship, so suggesting she needs professional help for a mental health condition will only insult her and confirm in her mind that you have no clue about her, how she feels or what she wants. It is fine to say that you are worried about her and have noticed her negativity recently, but dont imply that she is ill in anyway or needs help. By the sounds of things it is the relationship that needs help, not just her on her own.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): I think YOU should talk to her. Take the time to ask her what she really means with “I feel insignificant but useful when necessary”. I understand that you don't live an easy situation and i guess also she is suffering from it and doesn't feel loved and wanted anymore. When i try to put myself at her place (based on the information you gave) i would feel very sad. You discussed children and decided not to have any because of financial reasons. Now, that is for sure a 'head' decision, but her heart must ache especially with you having already 2 kids with another woman. Can you imagine how she felt when you told her that you don't want one with her because you wanted your kids grown while you were still young enough to be active with them? It sounds like a cold and logical reason to me. Would you not want to have a child with the woman you love? I think you can make her feel better and improve her feeling for the relationship too if you show her how much you love her and how important she is to you. Make her feel 'extraordinary' instead of insignificant. Have regularly a week-end only with her without your kids. Go for a picknick, invite her to something she likes, make her feel as special as she is to you, make her understand she is so much more than 'useful' to you.If you feel the financial pressure is a problem for her too, then maybe there is a way that you can reduce it? Discuss with her what possibilities you have. Maybe another/cheaper house? Show and give her support, i'm sure she is waiting for that.Good luck to you.
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