A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI have been married for 3 years, blessed with a son. The only problem is my husband..he rarely smiles at me now, doesn't talk a lot with me, never spends his precious time listening to my "evening chat". When I married him 3 years ago, he wasn't like this. He always smiled whenever our eyes met and believe me, his smile really lit up my day. He was talkative and didn't mind spending his time with me doing house chores, driving, etc. But now, he only smiles at my son and yesterday I saw him smiling at my mother, a big smile he used to give me. When I saw him smiled at my mother, I tried my luck by smiling at him wishing he will return the smile but once he saw my face, the sweet smile disappeared replace by a poker face. Why he can smile at my mom, chatting with her, accompany her eating at the table but when I asked him to do same things to me, he said he got a lot of work to do and spending time with me is a waste of time.Is it the age different? Does he feel closer to my mom because she is 57 and he is 55? I am 26 years old and this is his third marriages. He has been divorced twice. Could this be a reason why he never cares about what I feel? When I was sick, he left me alone at home because he said his work is more important to him. I never do that to him! Even when I worked 3 years ago, when he was sick, I spent time at home caring after him. Up until today, I have never left him alone at home when he is sick.His attitude puzzling me. I only got a birthday card from him once, in our three years, just because my mom was present at home at the time, so he bought the card and gave it to me when my mom was there. He has not bought me card nor present before nor since that one day he gave me a card. I feel so jealous of my mom because he treats her better. I feel bad feeling jealous at my mom. But I can't helped it. When I asked him why he never spend time with me, he said I did not understand him. I asked him why his smile disappeared whenever he look at my face, he said he does know the answer. He said I should feel satisfied that he gives me money, works very hard for the family, etc. All I asked is him time and I really miss his smiles.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2011): Hi "IAMDONE".I am hurt when he said those words but what can I do? If I said he doesn't understand my feeling, he will get angry.My husband is proud of his job. From website "the five love languages", I knew he is the man of act of service. I have told him many times how I would him to treat me. I love you every now and then, a smile and a warm hug after works are among the thing I appreciated most. If he can spend his time with me, that is really good but I know not to ask him to do that because he make it clear he doesn't have time to spend with me.I tried many times discussing with him about our problem but whenever I asked him why is he treating me like this, he appeared shocked. He said he thought we don't have problem. Once he blamed me for something I did not do in front of his friends. When I asked him why he do that, he said "You are angry just because of that? Come on..", he give me his back and walked away. I did not do the mistake he said I did. I was so hurt and I cried hard after that but he just ignored me, he never comfort me when I need it.He is my world. I gave him everything he needs. I just want to see he smile at me just like before we married. I'd like him joking with me but he never did. He jokes with his friends, chat with them for hours, laugh and smile a lot when I wasn't with him. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't need me anymore. After all he is not in a bad shape anymore. When I met him after his second divorce, he look down, sad and he cried when he call me informing his second marriage failed. I was there all along. I was there when he doesn't have money. I always there for him and all I want is him showing some love but to him when I asked him to love me back, he said I doesn't understand him. It seems like I am the one who is having this problem. He never feels guilty after he hurt my feeling. He aspect me to just accept whatever he's doing and to him he hardly do any mistake. If I feel hurt, I did it to myself. If I hurt his feeling, he blame me straight away. He never ask me, do you happy? How was your day?I think I've write long enough. You can ask me anything, I will try to answer it. Thank you replying me question. God bless you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2011): Dear Abella.First, the problem with his first wife was she doesn't respect him as a husband (that was what my hubby tell me). His 25 years old daughter once called me a bitch, she said our son is a bastard and my hubby does stand up for our son but he just smiled when his daughter said I am a bitch.His second marriage lasted for a month before he learnt that the wife is a lesbian and they divorced not long after that. A few months later, we married. When I told him I was am pregnant he doesn't look happy. He just ignored me.To him, works is the most important thing in his life. Sometimes, I suspect he regret divorcing his first wife. I think the problem between them arises when he lose his job in 1997. His wife and daughter lose their respect to him, even know his daughter only call him when she needs money.Eventually, I learnt to keep quiet, not asking him many question after he change once he knew I pregnant 2 years ago. HE change so quick! I feel like I married other guy, not the same man I knew before our wedding.I did give him some space he needs. And after some times, the silent between us stretched longer and harder to break. I understand when he is tired but what makes me feel unfair is he can spend time chatting with friends but he doesn't have time for me and I asked him why, he doesn't answer me.My mom doesn't know about our problem. My hubby acted differently when she visited. Even the way he spoke change! He is so gentler and lovelier and often smiling and joking with my mom. I did not do anything he doesn't like. I let him be the captain in our family. I rarely disagree with him but I still don't understand why he must treat my mom better when I am the one who repaired his wound after his second divorce. I give him everything he need. I sacrifice my study, career and friends just to make he happy. I haven't got any friend now. The only human I talked to everyday is him. He even prohibited me using facebook because he said I am wasting my time connecting with friends.There is no tonight is your night/my night. I give him time to say what he wants, usually he did prefer to go to bed rather than talking about "us". I never whining or demanding anything from him. I do the shopping, I take our son to the clinic when he is not well, I look after the house, I prepare the quotations and invoice for our company, etc. I learnt not to asked for his help because I know he will said he is busy. Our son isn't close with him due to above reason. If my son cannot find me in the house, he will start crying very hard, hitting his head, throwing things, etc until I am back so I can't let him or my mom taking care of my son. My mom lives in other state, about 440km from my place.My mom doesn't talk a lot too. But when she say something, my hubby fast react to her question. When I ask my hubby a question, it will take him forever to answer mine. He pretend he doesn't hear my question that why I prefer to just shut up and mind my own business. When he talk to me, it is all about works. He never talk about "us" ever since he tied me in marriage.I've done everything within my power to keep things cool between me and hubby. He never impressed with my cooking/baking skill. Always compared me to his chef friends. He never praised me. When I was pregnant, I forced myself to ask him to massage my back when I was in pain usually he turned me down but when he asked me to massage his body/feet/head, I never complain, I just do what he asked for and he never said thank you afterwards.I don't know what else I can do to improve things between us. I really love him and I want to take care of him when he is older. I often told him what I felt but he always ignored me.
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A
female
reader, IAMDONE  +, writes (14 May 2011):
Such a big age difference. I have heard that age is just a number but I certainly feel that age has a lot to do when it comes to relationships. Of course, there is a point in life where age difference does close in a bit.I personally believe this man has some serious issues and has a lot to resolve within himself. I am sure that the same reasons he is not with his other two wives are some of the same reasons you are feeling what you are feeling. It is not a good thing when you can smile at your husband and his face turns to that of a poker player. But yet, he can act one way in front of my mother and act another not in her presence.Seems as though some relationship rebuilding needs to take place here...and this is not a task that you can do alone. It is going to be work on behalf of both of you.By telling you that spending time with you is a waste of time...oh my, I would have been hurt possibly beyond repair and I certainly would have asked for clarrification! What in the world would prompt him to say such a thing?Women are known caregivers and when our husband, children, and family members are sick, we take the stand that they need us and we nurture them back to health. We would like to feel that our efforts are appreciated. Many times it is appreciation that keeps us going and wanting to do for our loved ones. Men do not have the instinct to do such things...I believe it is all in creation.It appears your husband is a provider and that is a good thing because so many women will complain that their husbands do not pay the bills, gamble their money off, and are selfish, so I do give him a little credit for taking care of his family. Again, by creation, this is what men do!It might be a good idea to inform your husband what you would like for your birthday and any other holiday that calls for gifts or tokens of appreciation...perhaps he just does not know what to buy for you. A husband just giving a wife a birthday card for her birthday without some type of gift is just not the usual run of giving for birthday for a man to his wife or woman that he cares about. It is time to have some real heavy discussions with your husband and you share with him what you are feeling and why you are feeling these things and explain to him that the issues needed to be discussed with resolution because you are very unhappy and you want a marriage with him that is full of happiness and joint effort of love and respect shown for each other.Work with him if he is willing to make an effort to make your marriage a happy one. I certainly understand your feelings and it is now time for you to discuss and resolve if at all possible!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 May 2011):
 The big age difference may be causing him an issue or it may be a deeper problem. You need to get to the heart of the problem before you can start solving it.
Your husband is now on his third marriage and has beeen divorced twice. What did he learn from his previous relationships? Because a break up often means there are 'issues' of concern on both sides.
He seems reluctant to 'spoil' you. This might just be a closed mean attitude, or a legacy from a previous relationship where he felt he showered a previous wife with gifts only to see the relationship fail.
But my alarm bells went up a notch when I read your quote in your husband's words, that you "should feel satisfied that he gives ...(you) money, works very hard"
Is your husband feeling like he gives you material things and gives you money and gives you security of a man who works hard? But that he senses it is not enough for you?
How about not expecting (every time) for him to listen to you? Ask your Mom to look after the baby over-night at her home. Get a nice meal ready, dress nicely, let him talk for a change. Turn the tables and tell him, 'tonight is your night, what would you like to do? What would you like to talk about?' Maybe he just wants some silence?
And what if he chooses to not say a thing? Deal with it. And allow him to have a similar night a week later. Do not complain. Do not flounce around and try to lay a guilt trip on him. Be gracious. Glide around with serenity.
Maybe he is getting very tired? Maybe he has some health issues? Maybe working at the same pace he used to work at is getting harder for him.
If a couple are not talking together I think the relationship is in trouble. BUT if only one party is doing most of the talking, cajoling, requesting, whining, demanding, complaining, then one party does not have a relationship with the other party, and both are headed for the divorce courts.
I am not suggesting that you allow this to be a one sided relationship forever. But first cut him some slack and see if he responds positively to the new you.
If he still remains uncommunicative and resistent to your charms, (after you trying your very best over the next six weeks to be the woman he thought he married) then get some counselling on the best way to approach him and re-focus him on seeing you in a positive light.
And if that does not work then yes sit down with him and tell him calmly how you feel.
Try not to draw your Mom into this. It is not your fault that your Mom is engaging and pleasant and nice company. Never Never Never be critical about your husband to your Mom nor anyone else as it could get back to him and he will feel betrayed.
Your Mom is smart, she can see the marriage is troubled and she is trying to keep things pleasant.
Though you could analyse how your Mom speaks, acts and her demeanor as that could give you some clues to what your husband likes in a woman. He may just like your Mom as he may feel she makes him feel calm and at peace.
But it is your job to put into practice all the things that mean a man just loves coming home to you and looks forward to coming home to you.
Some men are hesitant to trust and love if they have been hurt before.
Tell him how much you adore his smile.
Allow him more opportunities to do all the talking. I have to do that or my husband would never get a word in edgeways, if it were not for the fact that he talks more than me. There are mornings when I hold my tongue. Because the relationship in total is more important to me than me getting to say something that can wait another 24 hours.
Good luck with this
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