A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last year i was raped at a city bus stop. My mother and father both know about it, but my new boyfriend dosent. We just started going out 3 weeks ago and i dont no if i should tell him or not. "Rob" tells me everything and i want to to, but i just dont no if i should tell him about the rape. I dont no if he is going to look at me weird or if he is going to brake up with me or even see me diff then before. Im scared im going to lose him. I just want help i need to no if i dont tell him and he finds out will he get mad at me for not telling him or if i tell him and everything will change. You dont need to help but if you can it would help me al lot. thank you!!![MODERATOR NOTE: Name has been changed] Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): My two cents is that he would need to know if you were getting very serious, like talking about marriage. It's not at all unusual for horrible experiences like that to leave a psychological scar that interferes with intimacy. Someone you're going to spend the rest of your life with needs to know about it.
Right now you're awfully young, and chances are you and Rob are a very long way away from that kind of commitment. Plus this is the sort of thing that you really want fewer people to know about, rather than more -- not because you did anything wrong, but because some people will tend to see you as a victim first, and 'you' second.
If you think it would benefit you in some way to tell him, fine. But I see no reason at all that he 'needs' to know.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 September 2009):
From a male:You've only been going out with him for three weeks, so it's too soon to tell whether yoour relationship is serious or not. I know from being male that guys your age can be immature and tactless. I'm not saying he's like this, please don't think I am. But you need to know where this relationship is going. Find out if he's trustworthy and mature enough to handle a relationship and if he is and he proves himself worthy, then tell him if you like. Being raped was not your fault at all. And any guy who does not respect that isn't worth a moment of yout time. Remember that as well.
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (22 September 2009):
 Well, only if im on your situation. i will be honest from the start. if i think i will love this man really then id rather be honest from the start. at least if he say he dont care then at least i dont worry so much anymore that i can think" if i love him more than i do right now" then i know he will not left me. but if he say he dont wanna be part of me because of what happen to me from the past at least i will get hurt but early enough to prepare my self, i will get hurt but maybe wont take too long. and i will learn from it. that if someone come to me again, id rather tell him first my background before i say YES" i love you too..
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (22 September 2009):
 I have 2 opinions and I will give you both:
Firstly, is this a relationship you are in already after 3 weeks? It may be too early to assume something serious so you don't have to tell him anything yet.
On the other hand, the longer you hold a secret in, the harder it becomes to tell it. It gets more complicated with time. If you feel that this is something serious then you should open it up with honesty. You have to realise that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that you were raped and that there is nothing wrong with you. You would be surprised how many girls are taken advantage of in this world and how many never say anything because they feel responsible and embarrassed. You know what kind of man you're with... wait till you know how serious he is with you before you talk to him k? Good luck and God bless you.
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A
female
reader, melanie0083 +, writes (22 September 2009):
 I just don't see any reason why you HAVE to tell him...Its really not any of his business...If youre not comfortable with disclosing yourself about this, you shouldnt have to. But, if you happen to catch an STD from this, you are obligated to let him know later down the line(But not now). You just started dating a few weeks ago...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): i think you have to judge his character to see if hes the kind of guy who could handle that or if you want to wait a bit longer before revealing this. unfortunately a lot of people are quick to judge people have been raped and think they are attention seekers and trying to get sympathy.. i was raped when i was 15 and i told my boyfriend whom i got with at 16 in the first week we got together and he was very sweet and supportive about it but then always used to call me horrible names and play on it when we'd fight, making me feel a lot worse about it and when we broke up he told everyone.. he was an a__hole...hopefully your boyfriend is a nicer person and wont do this..if he tells you everything then hes obviously an open guy who im sure would be very understanding and if hes not then i guess its not someone you'd want to be with anyway..dont let the bad things that have happened to you hold you back and make you feel like you have some disease you have to warn them about.. if hes a good guy he wont worry about it he'll just want to hold you close and make you feel safe and loved :)take care hunny
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