A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife cheated on me a few times then suddenly moved out leaving me with my 2 daughters who are still in school. The anger was eating at me so bad that I went to a counselor to keep myself under control, I wanted to make my wife's life as miserable as possible. She dumped all her close women friends including her best friend she grew up with and a woman and her family we were close friends with. My wife was apparently insecure about both these women suspecting they wanted to sleep with me which there is no truth to I never slept with anyone outside our marriage, not yet anyway. My wife sneaks into my house when I'm at work. She apparently left her email open on the family computer. I found a few emails to our family friends husband. The details were sickening, they have had a lot of sexual encounters. I even read what motel they go to and how much my wife likes to have sex with him. This husband was my friend for years, we spent a lot of time with family together as well as fishing trips with just me and him together. I don't think his wife has a clue. I have been good friends with his wife but nothing serious or sexual has ever happened between us or ever discussed. Now I'm not sure what to do. They both know my wife lied, cheated and moved out. This guy knows more about what went on than I do. I'm outraged to say the least. Should I tell his wife and send her the emails I printed out and saved? I think she has every right to know, and I'm not trying to sleep with her, but I think she should know, what should I do?
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at work, best friend, cheated on me, friend's husband, insecure, moved out Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (5 March 2014):
 You're hurt and angry at the moment and you have every right to be. The woman you loved and trusted treated you despicably and broke up a loving family. To be honest, deep down I doubt you would want anyone to go through the pain you're feeling. But what you do want is to hurt your wife. You want her to feel the pain you do. But she's too busy playing around behind this other woman's back. Well, you could easily tell this woman and I know there are many people who'd pat you on the back for it, but I wonder if it will make you feel any better. But what you can do is wait until your anger wears off a little and you can think a bit clearer. If you decide to tell this woman then know that it does have consequences and you'll have to deal with that.
Or you can do as Honeypie suggests and, "Look to the future, Be a GOOD dad, good MAN, don't make your life about making your wife's life miserable. She is doing that ON HER OWN. Best revenge is LIVING A good life."
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 Honeypie said it all: "A friend of mine is going through this atm - she filed for divorce citing Alienation of Affection and ADDED the person's name whom her husband cheated on with her. It will BE on the divorce decree. PUBLIC records."That's indubitably the better answer you can give to what your wife makes you go through. Use the justice arm, make it announce publicly your rights and shame the person who once swore your fidelity. Get your due, get your kids custody... and move on. You're still quite young, don't let these two knaves (your "wife" and your "friend") waste your life... which is too short, as I'm saying so often on Dear Cupid.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): Honestly, I don't think you'll really gain any real satisfaction by creating havoc and spreading your own pain around. I think his wife will find out soon enough. She will find the e-mails on her own. Count on it.
There is karma for vindictive behavior. You may get immediate gratification.Then you will stop and think about the pain you've caused; because you were angry and acted in a fit of rage. Not because you felt she deserved to know what was going on.
Trust me, dropping a bomb on her will, not make you feel any less cheated or betrayed. In fact, you will feel just as angry and abandoned. Then add some guilt for shoving his wife's nose into it.
Deal with your anger and your own issues. Let the other couple deal with theirs. There is a certain amount of satisfaction received from plotting vengeance on other people for the wrong they've done us. Then looking back on the deeds we do to get even; will make us look at ourselves with surprise that we could be so hateful and destructive.
If you are a father, I hope you will maintain the compassion it takes to raise your children. In spite of all the wrong done you and your children. She is still their mother. She will meet her fate in due time. She's flying high and reckless, she will crash and burn.
When that day comes. She will look around and realize, she has burned all her bridges in the process. She will have no friends, no husband, and estranged children who don't understand her.
Oh, my friend. There is a price she will pay. You don't have to lift a finger. Save your energy, and use it to take care of your kids. Let the anger drive you to be twice the good parent you can be. Their mom abandoned you all. Now you have to prove they aren't loved any less for it.
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (3 March 2014):
I feel your pain and betrayal,i think you should instigate divorce proceedings against her. Keep the E-mails and all the proof you have of her infidelities. You'll see how long her lover will want her knowing you're divorcing her. What's the chance of him leaving his wife for her? you deserve better than this woman as a wife.nCheating is the ultimate stab in the back as far as I'm concerned. It's up to you if you want to tell the man's wife,nyou are within your rights to do it.
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A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (3 March 2014):
 Greetings,I must concur with HoneyPie,Is this act one of justice or vengence?Are you doing it to punish your wife out of her infidelity or to reveal such acts and bring them to light?If it is vengence then I would say control yourself, it can consume you and nothing that you can do will ever make you feel it is enough to ruin your wife. However if it is justice, to make sure that someone is aware they are being treated unfairly then by all means test the waters with your friend and ask her round privately, no children at all and show her the e-mails but be prepared for this to backfire as you will be dragged into your friends and their fight.Best thing you can do is be true to yourself but remember that every action has a consequence and you cannot blame anyone but yourself for what you do now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2014):
 I get that you are hurt, feel betrayed and want vengeance on your wife.
BUT...
If you want to tell the wife of your friend, to HURT your wife, know that this woman (the friend's wife) will ALSO be as HURT as you are now.
If you want to tell her because you feel she has a right to know (and you have evidence) then I would call up the woman and ask her if she mind you stopping by - or her stopping by at your house. And then give her the printed out e-mails.
Don't do it in front of the kids. Don't talk smack or negative about your wife to your kids either. TRUST me they know and it will have EMOTIONAL consequences for your daughters JUST knowing that their mother cheated on you and left.
Personally, I WOULD want to know. There are times where I'd advice don't tell, but in your case you have fool proof "evidence", so it's not just about getting even with your wife.
And revenge sex with someone your wife knows is a stupid thought, it won't HELP you.
My advice to you is also this, KEEP getting counseling. CHANGE the locks to your house. FILE for divorce. IF you live in a No Fault state - you can still file for divorce with Alienation of Affection I believe. TALK to a lawyer.
A friend of mine is going through this atm - she filed for divorce citing Alienation of Affection and ADDED the person's name whom her husband cheated on with her. It will BE on the divorce decree. PUBLIC records.
Look to the future, Be a GOOD dad, good MAN, don't make your life about making your wife's life miserable. She is doing that ON HER OWN. Best revenge is LIVING A good life.
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