A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi cupidI was wondering what "trying too hard" refers to when a girl/guy is pursuing a match or maybe trying to date?What are the ways to know if you are trying to hard and how does it come out as a big turn off ?Cheers Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): For me, I have been trying too hard to get over someone that
left my life. I have been talking to new guys left and right giving them my cell and texting constantly and really they are probably all after sex which I am sensing. I also try too hard to make people like me (a people pleaser) When guys try too hard with the compliments and being overly nice to me I sort of let them. Even though I do like a guy who is nice just someone who has a bit of an edge and stands up for himself. I think a lot of people get caught up in trying too hard. If I can pull back and change my behavior it will help my relationships with others and I need to take care of me before anyone else.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): For me trying too hard just simply means you wanted to show the other person of your sincere intention. By being consistent that you really wanted to be with the person you love. Its just a simple sweet old school gesture that shows sincerity and seriousness of your intention. Just imagine if you tell me you like me or you love me then the next day, i got no text no calls from you. How can you say and prove you love me when your not consistent. Excuse me too, when it comes to love, there is no room for pride, your reservations especially in the beginning of the relationship. Its like auditioning for american idol. You have to give your all, your very best. Otherwise you wont make it to the grand finals. I am 50 years old lady. I am happily married with my husband for 26 years. My husband tried too hard to come and get me. Now, we have 3 beautiful children and 5 grandkids. Seasons may change but the affairs of heart wont.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (3 March 2014):
Dear OP,
"Trying too hard" for me, it means a guy who is not himself, but trying too eager to please me, entertain me or impress me, especially in the beginning of a relationship/dating phase.
Over the years, I have become increasingly allergic to this type of behavior. I don't need a clever pick-up line or an expensive dinner invitation, red roses or poems or whatever, especially when it's only the first phase when I get to know someone.
A guy who is not trying too hard, that's someone who has this aura.. that says "hey, I am really interested in you.. but I don't need you and I won't let you treat me badly". Someone who wouldn't be devastated if you said no (very important). Someone who knows who he is. Someone who assumes he's interesting to others and doesn't have to make a huge deal out of every date.
You are trying too hard if you are overthinking all of your actions towards girls. If you overprepare every date. If you text all the time and immediately respond to every text. If you're too submissive, accepting everything, apologizing, making excuses all the time. You are who you are. And you want someone who accepts you. Make that a condition and don't try to be someone else for anybody.
By the way, I've very often tried "too hard" in my life. To give this up is also a matter of try and error. You learn it over the years.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 When trying too hard you send out a clear signal that you are desperate, and no one will respect someone who is desperate. You don't admire desperate people, look up to them in awe... You look down on desperate people and find them annoying. Trying too hard means you come off as desperate. You might not be desperate, but it is the signal you send out. Being cool and relaxed is the way to go. Act as if nothing is at stake. You don't care. You're fine right where you are, you don't need nobody, you don't care if your date likes you or not, you're not eager to please, you're just there to enjoy it and then who knows.. maybe there's a second date or not, but either way you'll be cool and chill.
Trying too hard means you do the exact opposite of being cool and chill. It means you perhaps fidget, can't sit still, are nervous, talk too much, try to impress by overdoing things, shoulders up high and jumping the gun at every move. Sweaty and uneasy, hopelessly in need of affection, or desperate for sex, or needing to know the date likes you, so much that you act like a puppy, get clingy, get anxious etc. That's desperation and trying too hard.
Your goal on a date is NOT to make her like you. If you try to make someone like you you are trying too hard! The purpose of the date is to see if you like her, and her to see if she likes you, and you can't make anyone like you if they don't. It's that simple. Trying to make someone like you just means you don't really like yourself, and no one wants to be with someone who doesn't like themselves. So if you get told that you try too hard, I suggest you work on apprechiating who you are, and like yourself, before you see if anyone else will also like you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): You are old enough to have experienced situations when you wish the other person seemed more at ease and comfortable with you. You want people to feel it is okay to just be themselves.
Trying too hard is when you are going overboard to please or impress someone. When you get carried away, because you are too concerned they will not like you; so you may do things beyond what is necessary.
Wearing too much make-up looks like someone is either trying to hide something, or they are insecure with how they look. Over-dressing for the occasion. Spending too much money on a date; even if you can easily afford it.
People who are too chatty are obviously nervous, and they are trying too hard to make conversation, and avoid silence that might mean they are boring you. Trying to look smarter or more intelligent than you are, will come across as very foolish. Intelligence requires proof. You can't fake it.
Being a martyr and allowing people to mistreat you, or talk to you disrespectfully; because you want them to like you.
This is going too far out of your way to get, or keep, someone who is probably not right for you.
Allowing people to use and take advantage of you is definitely trying too hard to please. They will use you up, and leave you when they're done. They can't respect a person like that. They don't love a person like that.
Offering sex when you really don't want to. That is attempting to set conditions to entice people in order to manipulate, and be manipulated. That is trying too hard to get something that you want, that you really feel isn't right for you. It's wanting to be with someone far too much.
In spite of the possibility that they may not be as interested, or attracted to you.
Over-compensating in any way is trying too hard. It will become exhausting and come across as unreal or contrived.
People see right through it, which is what makes it so unnecessary. If you have to try too hard, they aren't right for you.
If you you feel you have to try too hard to be with people, you aren't ready to be with anyone until you know better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 It varies from person to person. I agree with Cerberus.
If it feels like you are "playing a role", pretending instead of being YOU - it's a huge turn off. If you are pulling a "I'm SUCH a gentleman" and then orders my food for me - yikes.
If you are pulling a "World's Most Interesting Man" and you are not one, fake. Be who you are.
Overdoing the planning of a date (I'm talking the first 4ish dates) - like trying to arrange a couples massage or hot air balloon trip - when you BARELY know each other - who knows, she might have a deadly fear of heights).
Asking for a second date, 2 minutes into the first date. Too eager. Again it's NOT about the woman it's about ACQUIRING a second date no matter what. NOT about wanting to spend more time getting to know the other person. Again, fake.
Overdoing the compliments. It makes some women feel like he is being fake and that he thinks we women have such fragile ego's that we need constant reassurance of how we look or whatnot. It can also seem a tad patronizing.
Declaration of LOVE VERY early on. Why you may ask? Because if you don't KNOW me you don't LOVE me, you might think you love some IDEA of me you have in your head, NOT me.
Or talking marriage or vacations together on the first date. Talk about DESPERATE!
Liking EVERYTHING she likes. Or "liking" stuff on HER Facebook. Just no.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): Trying too hard varies from person to person. Some see contact every day as trying too hard, some see that as mandatory. Some see paying on dates as trying too hard, others as essential.
For me trying too hard is being too keen. Being willing to put all other plans to the side for me too early and not really continuing their life as normal. Being too accommodating, bending over backwards and not being able to say no are things that are trying too hard. A big one though is too much contact, too much compliments too early on, just being too into the whole thing too early.
That said though for the right woman and in the right circumstances I could find myself caught up in that and not find it to be "trying too hard". But yeah, being too nice is annoying, treating me like the most amazing person ever when we've only met is a huge turn off.
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