A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 39 years old. I was raised in a house filled with deceit. Which is why I am writing today. I met a wonderful woman and have been together for 4 months. I believe in complete openness between lovers to help ensure the best compatibility. I have been in many relationships, had several girlfriends, maybe too many for her liking. I fear that if I don't share my life experiences, what she might learn about me down the line may turn her off. In a nut shell, I don't want my past to change her opinion of me in the future, even though I never slept around for the mere pleasure of doing so. I am older and have lived more than she has. I'm concerned. Any ideas??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, goodgirl2008 +, writes (5 October 2010):
I disagree to some extent. If you have children from any of those past relationships, she needs to know. If you have any past wives, she needs to know. I personally have learned the hard way as to finding out your partners past relationships. My BF would talk of his past,just in conversation (army, places you have been, things you have done) etc. I noticed that he would add details to these stories each time he told them. Minute details that did not add up to what he had told me before. Hmmm. I did some research and found out that he had been married 3 times instead of 2 times. Ok. He told me of two. The one he did not tell me about was a shameful event to him, that I don't necessarily agree with, but can understand him trying to hide it. They had 2 kids together but the actual marriage lasted 4 months, he told he how many children he had, he just didn't tell me from two different women and was at such a bad time in his life that he wanted to totally blank it out, as i would myself. Nevertheless, I was furious. I felt lied to, which I was, repeatedly about this situation. There goes the trust. Then you start to question, what else has he lied about? I confront him. He falls to pieces. He had been trying to tell me, I had noticed a difference in his demeanor. He was carrying a heavy load and seemed to be glad to put it down. So, the question you have to ask yourself is.....Do I want to carry these secrets? If you think she is going to be pissed off or upset now, just wait till she does find out...later. Trust is started from the word go, and the longer you wait, the more trust you destroy. Please do not tell her of any sexual escapades (threesomes, etc.) that you have had in your past. Don't go there and don't be the kind of ass that brags about sexual stuff. Keep it to yourself. Or do you want to hear about her sexual escepades too? I don't think you do.My BF and I, after a 2 week separation, managed to work things out. We have been together 15 months now. I understand why he lied, but he should not have. I love him, I will probably marry him, I respect him, he is a good man. But, I will admit that there is a part of me that holds back because he lied to me, which could have been avoided.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 October 2010):
Hi there. The deceipt you talk about is just the fact that you have had a lot of girlfriends in your life history - prior to meeting your present girlfriend.
You say it as if it's something to be ashamed of.
Most people by the time they have reached their mid to late thirties have naturally had a few partners. It's quite normal. It's certainly to be expected.
If you don't date a few different partners, you are never going to find out what you really want in a future life partner. It's necessary to be able to make a comparison between them, of the qualities you like and don't like. Each time you start a new relationship, you start to narrow down those qualities to what you do want, till you get to meet the person who everything "Just Clicks" with, and everything just falls into place. You would never have a hope of finding Mr or Miss Perfect, if you didn't date different people. It's extremely rare that anyone would ever marry the first person they ever dated.
When you meet a new partner, past history is not something that's suitable for open discussion anyway. It is of absolutely no relevance.
What your life was before her, is not her business anyway - and nor is her life before you, your business either.
It's never a good idea to bring up past girlfriends or past boyfriends. If that subject ever comes up, it would become very awkward and very uncomfortable as well. To do so, would spoil your whole evening together.
Not only is it not a good idea in the beginning, but it is never a good idea to discuss past relationships even months or years down the track. It serves no purpose, and is definitely counterproductive to any relationship.
What is likely to happen if you were to do so, would be it would almost certainly cause your girlfriend to feel insecure and she probably might compare herself to your past girlfriends. In the process, she would feel inferior in some way. She might also feel as if you were telling her to kind of brag about it. You don't want that sort of situation do you? I'm quite sure you don't. She might then have some trust issues, towards you - where previously, there were none.
My advice really is to forget history (relationships history), and only talk about your hobbies, interests, your family and friends etc. In other words, just keep any conversation to general things. Just don't go there.
There is no need for confession. There is nothing to confess. That's all history and can't be changed. It would prove nothing anyway. It only matters who you are now.
Besides, all those friendships/relationships have made you the man you are today. Older and wiser since that life journey. All is well.
It's very unlikely that your girlfriend would ever want to ask you anyway, she knows it's not her business. Just as I'm sure you wouldn't want to ask her the same thing either.
Just move forward, and enjoy each other's company. Thinking about the past will only destroy things between you now. You can be certain of that. You would never be happy from that point on.
Please, just keep it all to yourself. There is no need whatsoever to share that kind of information with anyone, let alone your new girlfriend. It's wise just to let it be - to remain in history, where it belongs.
I sincerely hope this is helpful to you. Take care and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): I think that as long as you're clean (no STDs) you shouldn't worry about it. If she asks, or if it comes up in conversation give her the honest answer but I wouldn't just blurt it out to her. That'd come off as weird.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): i know from experience. its much better to tell her yourself in your own way than to let her find out on her own down the road. Especially if shes the jealous type. Even if she doesnt take it well then it would still be better than if she found out.
But you have one thing on your side, you said you didnt sleep arround just for the pleasure of it. So if shes asks then atleast you can say you had feelings for your lovers wich is like saying "i do really care about the women i have sex with" as opposed to "i really only cared about sex".
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A
female
reader, redchevygal +, writes (4 October 2010):
I think that if you feel strongly that it might mess things up in the future then I would tell her. just tell her that you always want to have a honest open relation ship with her so you want to tell her about your past. If she is the Wright person for you she will understand and except you no matter what the past holds.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (4 October 2010):
 I think the important thing to do here is talk to her about it. If you feel like you're carrying around a secret, it will weigh on you and your relationship. So, if you feel that the right thing to do is to tell her, you should have that conversation. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, xAx  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 the truth always comes out. try to find the right time to tell her. i think that you should tell it to her gently and tell her that you don't want to have a relationship built on secrets. she should understand that it is also becasue you are older aswell.
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A
female
reader, lovebird1  +, writes (4 October 2010):
Hi there,
I also believe in honesty in relationships. Be open and take the risk she doesn't like the truth. Of course it will hurt if she doesn't, but you will feel so much better if she is accepting you for who you are. To keep your past a secret will be a burden for you in the future, and maybe she'll find out anyway, in the end.
Maybe, if you can sit together and talk about it, and it will be okay. I am sorry I can't give you any better advice, but the only alternative is starting this relationship with a secret, and you sound like the person who wouldn't want that.
Good luck!
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