A
female
age
30-35,
*hadowGirl
writes:A few months ago my ex boyfriend fingered me, and it felt really good. But afterwards he told me that maybe I should lose my virginity to someone else as he thought I was "too tight." For various reasons we decided to break up and now I'm with someone new. We both want to have sex but when I think about it, I keep thinking about what my ex said and it bothers me. Is it possible I could be too tight?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (9 October 2010):
 Your ex said you'd be to tight. That's not true. I believe he was afraid to go all the way, and used that for an excuse. Reason being, requesting you loose your virginity with someone else. Now your with a new guy and you want sex? How long have you been with him? No one can tell you not to have sex, but before you do I want you to think about the emotional side of sex. I'll give you a situation I come across often. You have sex with your new guy, and maybe even a couple of more, you then find someone you really care about and might even be in love for the first time. I can almost guarantee you will regret that he's not the one you gave your virginity to. I will say out of 12 girls I've dated over the years, and some had been long term, there's only 2 who did not regret their first time.
I only want you to think about this side. I don't want you to be one who later regrets the choice you make now. This is because, when you hit puberty, and your body starts its changing, what also changes is the development of adult level female emotions. I've counseled girls who gave away their virginity, where doing so they ended up being emotionally attached to the guy they had sex with, where he wanted nothing more than to have sex. Some of these girls, your age and some younger, now carry an emotional burden which is close to if they had been raped. It's the "I gave him this" and with the emotions "now I think I love him" and ended up with "why can I give him something this valuable, and he doesn't feel the same way". In a girl your age, this would attach as if you'd just been extremely violated.
I wanted to share this with you because it's not a major sex education topic, when it should be. I know you're only 16, but that doesn't shield you from the negative impact your decision has. There is reason why all over the world there are horny guys with their girls patiently waiting while she says, "We'll have sex when I'M ready." Preparing for emotions is important. Before you have sex, I want you to really sit and think hard. This guy that I am going to do it with, if things don't work out, if we have sex and he walks away, will I regret that we had.
Don't think of yourself as being to tight. Your ex was just afraid. Unless he's a master at female anatomy, where did he get the information to draw that conclusion from?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Ah, so was your ex a teenager? I'm afraid to report that teenage boys are just about the worst source for sex education or knowledge of anatomy of females. If he's had his sex education from porn videos, then he knows nothing about real women at all.
My guess is that he didn't really know how to arouse you so that you actually experienced the vaginal loosening that happens when a woman is turned on, and if he stuck his fingers in you when you weren't properly lubricated, either from your own fluids or a storebought lube, then of course you'd feel tight. Sorry, my dear, but your ex was an idiot. Okay, maybe he was just badly education and misinformed, but I want to emphasize that what he said shouldn't haunt you in any way.
Just wait until you are older, in your 20s or beyond, and you will understand what I mean.
Your age shows as 13-15. So a fair assumption could be that you are 13. In which case, you ARE far too young and could in fact still be maturing and growing. The point is that you are still young and vulnerable to comments like the idiot ex boyfriend made. You don't know enough to know that he didn't know enough himself. It's a good thing he didn't try to have sex with you, it likely would have been very painful and traumatic as he didn't know what he was doing.
So please, be VERY careful, take care of yourself and definitely wait until you are ready for the possible consequences of sex. Which are getting pregnant or getting an STI. My other suggestion is to see your doctor and be honest about being sexually active. There are a lot of things to think about and having some preparedness is a good idea.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, xAx +, writes (5 October 2010):
 i don't help children have sex which you should understand where i'm coming from. to be honest, you should have given more information in your question because all i'm left with are assumptions. so next time you ask a question, ask it properly, that if you want the right answer.
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A
female
reader, ShadowGirl +, writes (4 October 2010):
ShadowGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question@xAx
Yeah thanks for that. I'm 16 in a few weeks, which in the UK is legal and my boyfriend is 17 and so already legal. So, you assumed that because I've spoke about having sex I'm gonna go out right this minute and do it.
Also, for your information, I do want to have sex to show love and commitment. But I also want to do it because it's fun. My boyfriend is not a stranger, by the way. I've known, and liked, him for just under a year now.
If this was a question on losing my virginity, maybe your answer would be helpful. But seeing as yours is the only answer that was a basic rant, and nothing to do with the question (Will I be too tight?) I'm going to have to ask you to keep your opinions to yourself.
Thanks.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 Very weird thing for him to say because most guys like it "tight". Honestly I wouldn't worry about what he said he could have been so nervous about having sex that he said something to hurt you to put you off so he wouldnt have to face doing it.
In saying all that don't rush into having sex and NEVER let someone pressure you into it. A sexual relationship is special and not something to be taken lightly so think about it very carefully first. If you do have sex please please please make sure you use protection!
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A
female
reader, hunnylove +, writes (4 October 2010):
well, its normal for sumone of ur age to b too tight. its nothin u shld worry about n mostly guys enjoy it wen its tight ;) just make sure u use sum lubricants wen u do it so tht its easier to get in ;) n its more enjoyable.
hav fun!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): that part of a womans body is meant to stretch and move (move inside that is). its kind of like a one size fits all (unless the guys packing guiness book of records stuff). and thats probably what your ex was pretending to be. He probably just wanted to feel like a 'big man'.
So in short dont let it bother you. Just remember that for a lot of girls the first time does hurt a little. All you have to do is relax and enjoy yourself and dont worry about what the 'big man' wanna-be said.
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A
female
reader, xAx +, writes (4 October 2010):
You are underaged. the law is there for a reason. you can only have sex from the age of 16, that goes for both you and your boyfriend. purpose of sex is to show love and to make a family and by the sounds of it you don't want to do neither of those. you just want to be an ignorant child. how can you give away something so precious, something that will stay with you for the rest of your life to someone you've been dating for less than 2 months. you're pretty much going to have sex with a stranger.
i know my words probably won't change anything, just make sure you use a condom always.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Thats impossible i had sex with a fair amount of guys and for them the tighter it is the better it feels for them just use some lube to make things easier on yourself
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