A
female
age
36-40,
*evvy
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years a few months ago. He's a great person, a great boyfriend, very loving, kind, and fun. However, our sex life was so bad i stopped wanting to have any kind of sex with him. i started to have a physical reaction (an actual pain in my vagina) whenever we started to have sex. this really bothered me espessially b/c HE thought it was great sex. i tried to bring it up with him numerous times, tried new things etc, but nothing helped. So we broke up, i told him i needed time, didnt know if i wanted a relationship ect. Also, the last few months we were together i became really attracted to someone else. this helped in the need to break up with the boyfriend.So anyway, this someone else. we've been seeing each other ever since i broke up with the boyfriend. we get along well, have great sex, but i'm very reluctant to move forward with him because of a couple reasons..1. this new guy has a drinking problem2. i am still stuck on the idea i SHOULD be with my former boyfriend. 3. i really really don't know what i want. do i WANT to be with the former bf, or am i just clinging to him for some unknown reason? Please Help, any advice is help, Please!also, please note that i know the sex was bad not b/c of some medical reason with me or him, just mentalalso, the former boyfriend isn't really moving on, he's holding out for me to come around, which i feel AWFUL about.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, hiro06 +, writes (9 November 2010):
You shouldnt be with either you shouldnt go back to your ex because you arent attracted to him sexually the reason you had pain when you had sex is because you werent sexually aroused enough to have actually deep penetration. Female when aroused their vagina lengths another 3-4 inches(making it 5-7 deep while not aroused 3-4inches deep)pushing the cervix and forgot something else out the way. The guy with a drinking problem is a NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Get it now if dont let me say it in spanish "No!". That guys has exactly what you said a problem. My advice to you is to take time out for yourself. I can tell that you maybe the type of person who feels they are only happy in a relationship or finds happiness having a significant other. Although I dont know you personally, but I may be wrong but you definitely fit the bill sorry the truth hurts. My best advice to you is to stop seeing both of them and take time from the dating scene to find what truly makes you happy. Take up a new hobby, join a club, etc. Do something to take your mind off of dating and truly makes you happy.You cant love someone else until you love yourself first. You should be with someone who makes you sexually aroused and someone who doesnt have problems or extra baggage that you have to deal with. Like would you get a house with someone who has no credit, no job, no car, the correct anser is No! You should always date someone that is on your level or above you. Because people can be like anchors when you swimming they can weigh you down and pull you down with them trust me I know.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (9 November 2010):
Hi there. As you had a good relationship with the first man otherwise, it was only the sex that you didn't enjoy.
You said you had some pain in your vagina, but yet you didn't think it was medical, but a mental thing instead.
Before you think about what to do, you really have to think about it more carefully.
- Was it poor technique on his part?
- Was there sufficient foreplay?
- Was his penis too large for you to be enjoyable?
- Did he try to bring you to orgasm?
- Did he only worry about his own orgasm?
- Have you ever had this pain in your vagina with other previous partners?
In other words, try to narrow it down as to what is the exact problem regards sex not being enjoyable for you.
You do need to be specific about this, then you can avoid this problem in future with other partners.
This new guy doesn't sound as good as the first boyfriend, because of the drinking problem. Be very wary of guys who drink heavily, as it's possible they could become physically abusive and dangerous. It could make you fear for your life. Just don't go there.
Even if he is not abusive, heavy drinking is still a problem in any relationship.
The fact you are still having thoughts towards your first boyfriend, shows the second guy is not really an option for you. Otherwise, there wouldn't be any doubts.
I really think that you have to sort this out with your first boyfriend, once and for all and be completely honest with him about it and discuss it fully. If you are not willing to talk about it with him, you might as well move on because you are never going to resolve your sex issues with him, unless you discuss it with him.
You said you tried to talk about it on a few occasions previously, but with no success. It just depends on how you went about it.
The right time to discuss any problems with sex, is NOT in the bedroom when you are about to make love.
Choose instead, another time when you are both relaxing in the lounge room at home. Just tell him that you need to talk about something that's worrying you, and that you can't continue with your relationship with him, until you have this discussion. It is important.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 I don't think you should go back to your ex. Sure , it is a pity that it did not work out, if he is such a great guy. But, let's face it, sexual compatibily and mutual desire ARE very important in a couple. Especially if you think of a future together. Passion fades a bit inevitably along the years - and if it was not there to begin with, --
yaaawwwn.
If you know you really have done anything possible to overcome your sexual problems, and you could not- then ,alas, it was just not mean to be.
Also the second one does not seem a good choice. First, because apparently you are not so much into him. Second, because he has a drinking problem. Big,big,big, red flag.
What about just being single for a while ?
It's not either or. There are millions of other guys around, and you are under 25. Way to early to settle for something that does not convince you totally.
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