A
female
age
51-59,
*rustratedartlady
writes:I'm frustrated and have told my boyfriend this on many an occasion. He is smart but I sometimes feel he is trying to outsmart me and tries to make me feel it's just in my head that I think he has too many issues and is clingy.He insists I answer phone and gets mad when I don't, says he loves me sometimes 2-3 DOZEN times a day and tells me oh he doesn't say it THAT often, has told me we're together forever and I'm stuck with him...which to some sounds awww nice but to me sounds stalker if you try to leave.... Almost every day he asks me if I love him and why don't I tell him more, I limit answering him back to a couple of times a day because most of the time I feel forced to say it, he will repeat I love you, 4,5,6 times...did you hear me, I say yes I heard you the other 10 times too. Then he'll go into the I'm exaggerating again speel. He also "jokes" about doing mean things to the kids (not his) and tell me it's JUST A JOKE....and I overreact to that as well. He used to smoke pot (hid it until we lived together about a year and a half and drink daily (hid bottles in garage) and makes a point to tell me he doesn't have any of that in the house anymore so I can't complain about that!! I packed my belongings and found a house because I told him I wouldn't raise my boys with that and he said he'd give it all up. Although like I said he's smart...and read above again...he doesn't have any of that in the house anymore!!I've told him I don't want to get married but he looks at wedding rings at least 3-4 times a week. I tell him he overwhelmes and exhausts me but he is set that we are meant to stay together forever. He can be a decent guy and we have fun when we do stuff together, I suggested maybe I should get my own house and we date to which he got mad and said NO that don't work. It's very hard to find a home I can afford on my income and a part of me still kicking myself in butt for letting the one go. He likes to spend money on us....but he also has a 2 year history of taking stuff back anytime he gets mad so we accept very few gifts now.So people from this are you hearing run.....or he's just insecure from being divorced twice and trying a little to hard to hold on.
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divorce, I love you, insecure, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, frustratedartlady +, writes (26 September 2012):
frustratedartlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies and confirming my gut feelings. To Trisha, I've got a saving account started he doesn't know about and have started looking again in the area. I'm being nice as I feel like many of you things could go REALLY WRONG if he knew moving plans again. To Eddie85 yes that's why I packed when I found the stash, he threw it out and said he'd rather have us but gut says he's just doing it elsewhere now. And yes I've actually just to keep mental track started keeping track - about 15-24 times a day he says it...and wants me to say it back. I will from time to time just to keep arguments and the drill of don't you love me too down but started answering I know to most of them. To Cindy, coincidentally Steven King is his favorite author...
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (26 September 2012):
 This guy sounds extremely scary...why are you with him?
Let's go over some facts: it appears he has (or had) a drinking / light drug problem. The fact that he had bottles stashed all over the place is indicative of a problem. Also, do you want your children to be exposed to someone who uses drugs? He doesn't sound like much a role model. I've also answered many a poor soul's question here who have married someone who had sworn off drinking while they were dating, only to resume it once they got married. Believe me, they were in a living hell.
Next he is using the "love" word to guilt you into being with him. It isn't that he loves you -- he is checking up on you and doesn't trust that you really love him. In fact, this is borderline controlling and manipulative. If you tell someone you love them once a week it means something, but it loses its power when he says it about 25 times a day.
I think by coming here, you are sensing that something isn't right and I am going to agree with the other people that have answered thus far. I don't think this man is in love with you. From the sounds of it, he enjoys "owning you". By supplying you with possessions (with the threat of taking them back), telling you what you can and can't do, the writing is on the wall: you are putting you and your children's lives on the line if you and him don't get along.
Hopefully you'll take a look at what is really going on and ask yourself what you really want out of a relationship and a man. You've invested a good amount of time on this man and you should have more than enough information to make the decision yourself.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (26 September 2012):
 Like Tisha, what alarmed me the most was his joking about harming your kids (I'm assuming that since it wasn't the first flaw you mentioned but it was the first one in Tisha's response). Given the total picture, I am inclined to believe that is NO joke. It's a threat, but said in a joking way so he can accuse you of 'over reacting' when you call him up on it.
I absolutely agree with leaving and SAFELY. You will have to be more cunning than he is. Secretly get your ducks in a row. Get a safe deposit box. Jot down your concerns and gather what evidence you can. Scan copies of important documents, family photos and other valuable things. Be computer savvy, assume he is following your trail. Tell close family and friends what's been going on, but only those you can trust to be discreet. You don't want this out of the bag yet.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 September 2012):
 If I were you I'd have my running shoes on, laced up and be sprinting out the door...your guy sounds very controlling. To be honest, I'd be afraid being in a relationship like yours. Please take the advise of the other aunts and get out NOW. Don't stop to think about it, just do it. Make a plan of action, and get out safely. There are red flags all around you, you already know that this is not a normal relationship. Who wants that kind of pressure and control from someone who supposedly loves you? I hate to say it, but I wouldn't call his behavior love. I'd say it was "I want to call the shots and you WILL do as I say." Say "Sayonara" and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 September 2012):
 This is not insecurity from being divorced twice. I'm guessing the women who divorced him ran screaming from the marriage, as these behaviors seem very long ingrained.
You need to run, and in fact you should have done so before you both moved in together.
I'd be willing to guess that only the very beginning of your relationship was good, and the rest of it has been pretty close to a nightmare.
The whole telling you he loves you constantly and trying to extract it from you is manipulative.
Listen to Tisha and get out of this relationship.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 September 2012):
 He "jokingly" threatens harm to your children? He's controlling and demands you be available to answer your phone 24/7 and "gets mad" if you don't?
RUN.
Tell you what, don't take my word (or the other aunts who will no doubt agree with me that this sounds very unhealthy), go to this site and see if you aren't in an unhealthy relationship: http://www.thehotline.org
Plan an exit strategy though, first, he sounds as though he may be very difficult to leave. I have a link that describes how to do it safely.
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/component/content/article/171?start=2
Here's the related article on 'warning signs you are dating a loser.' (His behavior ticks a lot of those little checkboxes.)
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171
(copy/paste that whole link as the "?" interrupts the hyperlink)
RUN, but safely, okay? Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2012):
 You are a brave woman. Your description of your bf's behaviour was enough to give me the heebie jeebies. Massive heebie jeebies. He sounds like some character from a Stephen King's novel , the kind of guy that is so nice and loving in chapter one, but then, as the story goes on...
Jokes aside, are those kids that he "jokes" about doing mean things to ,your kids ? Then RUN. Better safe than sorry.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 September 2012):
To be honest, he sounds quite controlling to me. Perhaps this is the reason he's been divorced twice. Taking presents back, 'joking' whilst treating people cruelly, clinginess - these are all signs of controlling behaviour.
I think you'd be better off without him. I think that as time goes on, you'll find he's very unpleasant.
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